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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677999">i hope you still see me just the way i was (and i won't be judged for doing as i ought)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos'>Balthamos</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Druck | SKAM (Germany)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Best Friends, Bullying, Dysphoria, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, Issues with Parents, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other characters will be tagged as they're introduced, Teenage struggles, set in the long sprawling holidays of childhood, summer is over but this a summer fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:42:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>119,121</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>David knows the next few years are going to be hard, painful, and lonely.  His parents still think that he’s choosing to be this way. Why the hell would he choose to put himself through this? He’s resigned himself to it now, just surviving until he’s sixteen, just getting through it. He’s strong, he’s independent, he knows he can make it through unscathed, even if he is mostly alone. He has Laura of course but if he’s honest with himself, he’d really quite like a friend. He can’t have that though, or can he? When he joins a boxing club and meets a boy with messy blond hair and absolutely no sense of balance has he found friendship at last?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>309</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>191</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a story in six parts, ages twelve through eighteen as they grow up together. The parts themselves will have multiple chapters, between six and eight per part. I think it should be quite clear and easy to follow but you can always shout if it's not, I know this story inside out now so I may not pick up on things.</p><p>I have wanted to tell this story for a long time, it's developed and changed and did not take the direction I'd originally planned but I'm so happy with what it's become.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Twelve-year old David has been kicked off his football team, he has no friends, no one who just gets him, he’ll never admit it to anyone but he’s lonely, all he wants is a friend. But he’s in luck, he’s about to meet the most important person in his life and despite a rocky start a friendship is about to form. All those things he wants, he’s about to get, in the form of a boy with messy blond hair and ridiculous sweaters.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>
  <strong>part i - few words could open me, but you knew them all</strong>
</h3><p>David was angry. Furious and full of rage. He was always angry these days. Angry at the world, his parents, his teachers, the kids at school. He’d always quietly seethed about the unfairness of it all. But this summer he was angrier than he’d ever been.</p><p>He should’ve been at football practice, should have been halfway through the summer program he’d done these past few years, showing off and having fun with his teammates. But no, his mum had made him quit the team. She’d said it was no longer fitting for him to be running around with all those boys. Even though he was one of them, just a little different. She didn’t see it that way. She didn’t see him right at all.</p><p>He knew he was different and that those differences were going to get bigger as time went on. The thought made him ill, scared, and anxious. But more than anything it made him angry. Made him hate everyone and everything. It was all so unfair. Everything about his life felt unfair.</p><p>What really hurt though, was that the coach, Daniel, had agreed with her. David had thought he would have his back, seeing as he was the best player. But as they’d sat there in his little office, surrounded by trophies that David had won for the team, his mum listing all the reasons why he should cease playing, Daniel had just nodded along. David had foolishly expected him to fight for him and instead he’d agreed on several of his mum’s points and added a few of his own.</p><p>Daniel had said that it wasn’t fair to the other boys, that it would emasculate them, make them feel inferior, that they wouldn’t want to play with a girl. Which was such bullshit, they didn’t care, he didn’t think they did, they’d never said anything before. They didn’t even have to know the difference. If Daniel just treated him like he wanted to be treated, deserved to be treated, those problems were moot because the other boys wouldn’t know any different.</p><p>But football was over for him now because he was sure as shit not joining the girls' team like Daniel had suggested. He didn’t care how liberal the coach was supposed to be there. That wasn’t fair on him and it wasn’t fair on the girls of that team. He would be uncomfortable and they would be uncomfortable with him there. He got that. He wasn’t one of them. He may only be beginning to understand these feelings he’d had his whole life but he knew with absolute certainty that he wasn’t one of them.</p><p>So far Laura was the only one that got it. His godmother too but she was too far away to help him. He knew he was always welcome there and he loved her for that, but he wanted to feel welcome in his own home, understood by his own parents. Surely he deserved that.</p><p>Right now his mother thought it was a phase she could stamp out by aggressively denying his truth. His father thought it would go away if he ignored it for long enough. His teachers at school regarded him with anything from amused curiosity to open hostility. Never just the acceptance he wanted. The kids at school knew him only as that freak who wanted to be a real boy.</p><p>Only Laura and Emily had accepted it when he told them.</p><p>He’d told them first before his parents, he’d gone out to Emily’s house with Laura. He’d sat down and said to them that he was a boy, that he was serious about it, that his name was David and could they please try to see him that way. They had immediately, hadn’t questioned it. Laura understood, Emily had been confused but loved him regardless. Yes, it had taken some getting used to, but they’d both tried, stumbling over their words until his new name, new pronouns stuck and now they couldn’t refer to him in any other way. They wouldn’t see him any other way.</p><p>He loved them so much for that.</p><p>Laura was amazing, had pretty much gotten him through the past few months. Had argued with his parents countless times on his behalf. Had comforted him when everything was too much.</p><p>Recently she’d seen how frustrated he’d been milling about the house with nothing to do. That morning she’d finally had enough. She’d marched into his room and tossed his sports kit at him. There’d been no explanation, she’d just proceeded to drag him across town to some random community centre where no one knew who he was or his story. Then she’d signed him up for the youth boxing group that was hosted there.</p><p>She’d gone in there so confident, used his correct name and put him down as a boy, and was poised ready to stare down the trainer if he had any problem with him. David had been nervous and unsure, hated these situations. But the guy had just added the forms to the pile and waved him into the room. He'd set David up at a punching bag and told him to show him what he could do. He’d watched for a few minutes, correcting his stance and encouraging him. Then he’d told him to keep it up, told him he had to prove himself. David was ready to do that so he kept punching. It felt good.</p><p>Laura was still there, sitting in the corner, on her phone and ignoring him. But he knew she was there and that she had his back if anything were to happen.</p><p>The other boys were older and intimidating so he hadn’t dared to approach them. But nobody paid him any mind, nobody had turned and asked what he was doing there when he walked in. No one suspected a thing. They just left him in the corner beating up his bag.</p><p>A few of them had even smiled at him. They didn’t seem hostile, they didn't see him as a girl, they just saw him as a kid, a boy younger than them. They probably thought he was annoying and little but he didn’t mind that. He knew teenagers were weird; he'd dealt with Laura enough.</p><p>The group itself didn’t seem to be anything proper, not a formal boxing group. He was too young to spar with the other boys. Tommy, the trainer, didn’t seem to know quite what to do with him. Didn’t seem up to much in the way of professional training. On the way there Laura had warned him that it might not be as organised as football had been, that it was not so much a class as a way for kids to let off steam. It was just something to stop them wandering the streets and getting into mischief. Warned him that the other kids might be from troubled backgrounds but not to judge them.</p><p>David didn’t mind the shabby room, the patched-up punching bags or the worn-out gloves. He didn’t care how dated or tired everything was. He wanted to be there. Boxing felt good and Tommy saw him correctly, or if he didn’t he hadn’t sent him away. David supposed to some he was a troubled boy so maybe he fit right in.</p><p>He kept punching, it felt so good to let out some of his rage. Even in the gloves his fists hurt but he continued to punch hard. He stayed angry, couldn’t help it. He imagined he was punching Daniel, his teachers, the other shithead kids at school. Punch after punch he imagined their faces. He hit harder and harder, lost himself in the rhythm of it.</p><p>“You’re not very good,” a soft voice piped up, distracting him for a second.</p><p>David scowled and turned to see a boy watching him with a grin on his face. He was easily a head shorter than David, had messy dark blonde hair with a ridiculously long fringe that covered half his face. David couldn’t even see his eyes properly. He looked like one of those puppies with the long fluffy fur. If he wasn’t so angry he would’ve smiled at him, he was harmless.</p><p>Despite the heat, the kid was wearing a heavy blue sweater twice his size, the sleeves pulled over his hands. David was only in a vest and he was already sweating. The odd boy had combined the excessive sweater with green shorts past his knees and bright orange sandals. He looked absolutely ridiculous. He also looked like a strong breeze would blow him over.</p><p>“I doubt <em>you</em> know anything about boxing,” David muttered. It came out meaner than he’d intended, he’d gotten himself wound up thinking about football and was filled with adrenaline and rage.</p><p>“Er yeah? I come to watch all the time, so shouldn’t the bag move more? You’re obviously just not very strong,” the boy said, pushing his stupid fringe out of his face to reveal blue eyes, filled with mischief.</p><p>He was just teasing David could tell, just trying to wind him up, there was no meanness behind his words but David was in a bad mood and he didn’t care for it. The kid was bothering him.</p><p>“Fuck off!” he hissed.</p><p>The boy blinked then, a little shocked, his smile fading a little as he bit his lip nervously. He glanced around obviously deciding whether or not to flee. But he seemed determined, didn’t run off, instead, he took a step closer.</p><p>“Just saying the other boys-”</p><p>David gave him a shove then, hardly anything, just enough to make him go away. To his horror the boy fell on his ass and just stared up at him, eyes wide and shining. He blinked up at David in shock, hurt and upset visible on his face.</p><p>David instantly felt bad, a heavy weight settling in his stomach as the guilt set in. He just stared down at the boy, no longer angry but ashamed. He was used to being pushed and shoved about, he knew he shouldn’t have done that. He really hadn’t meant to hurt him but he shouldn’t have pushed him in the first place.</p><p>He’d barely touched him but he felt awful. Because he wasn’t mean, as hard as he tried to fit in with the other boys at school he wasn’t mean. He really hoped the kid wasn't going to cry. Was he even a kid? David wasn’t sure, he seemed younger than him but he was just smaller that was all. David figured they might be a similar age. But David was bigger, taller, stronger, he shouldn’t have pushed him like that.</p><p>Before he could reach out to help the boy up a woman rushed up to them.</p><p>“Matteo? Matteo?”</p><p>She pulled the boy, Matteo, up to his feet gently. This must have been his mother. She dusted Matteo off, checked him over, fussing and mothering him with care that David hadn't experienced in a while. When she was sure he was ok she turned to David, barely concealing her anger.</p><p>“You nasty little boy, why did you push him?”</p><p>“I just… he fell,” David said, glancing around for the coach, ready to be kicked out of this club for different reasons than he was for football.</p><p>It really seemed he didn’t fit in anywhere. Maybe he was the problem, he couldn’t get on with people, nobody seemed to get him.</p><p>Being kicked out of football because he wasn't enough of a boy was awful, but being kicked out of boxing for hurting this boy didn't sit right with him either. He was angry, yes, but picking on kids smaller than himself made him just as bad as the bullies at school. It didn’t make him a big man or prove anything. David was kind, he wanted to be kind, he just didn’t know how to show that without people thinking he was a girl.</p><p>Matteo was staring at him now, smiling slightly as he scrutinised him. Then he winked.</p><p>“I lost my balance mama,” he insisted, looking up at her. “He was just practising, but I fell over.” He grinned at David, not at all upset that he’d knocked him to the floor.</p><p>Matteo’s mother frowned at him for another moment then turned to Matteo. “I’ve told you to stay away while they’re fighting in here, these boys are trouble Matteo,” she said, giving David a dirty look.</p><p>David had never been seen as trouble before but he’d take it over the way most adults saw him.</p><p>But really all he wanted to be seen as was David. He wasn't trouble, he just wanted a quiet life where people accepted him and let him be himself.</p><p>“Yes mama,” Matteo said sweetly, letting her fuss over him then pull him away.</p><p>What a little mama’s boy he was. He shouldn’t have even been in there with the older boys, he was too little. He could’ve annoyed one of them and then they could’ve punched him. Matteo was very lucky that David was so patient, that he had a good handle on his temper. Ok, he may have pushed him but he would never have punched him. If Matteo had wound up one of the other boys, David would have had to intervene, stop him from getting beaten up.</p><p>He looked around and saw a couple of the boys grinning at Matteo as he passed them. Matteo even waved at a couple. David watched him go sadly, realising the other boys liked Matteo, that he could’ve chosen to hang out with any of them. But he’d chosen to approach David and he’d shoved him away. Yeah, he’d been annoying but still, deep down all David wanted was a friend.</p><p>Matteo turned and waved at him before exiting the room, hand in hand with his mum. David rolled his eyes and went back to punching the bag. He wondered if he'd see him again if he came next week. He hoped so.</p><p>“He say something to you?” Laura asked, coming over to check on him. She hadn’t intervened, clearly didn’t think much of Matteo as a threat.</p><p>“No er…”</p><p>“You pushed him over?”</p><p>“I didn’t mean to, he was annoying but… I didn’t mean to push him like that,” David said sheepishly.</p><p>“Try to stick to punching the bag dumbass,” she said, giving him a gentle shove. Unlike Matteo, he held his ground.</p><p>He just stuck his tongue out and went back to the bag.</p><p> </p><p>Later that evening when they finally got home David went straight to his room to avoid his mum. It had taken well over an hour to get back and that combined with the exercise had left him exhausted. He really appreciated Laura doing that for him, although she’d already made it clear that next time she was just dropping him off.</p><p>Still, he knew she’d stay if he asked. She hated to admit it but she loved him, he knew she did. He had no idea why she found him so annoying, he thought he was a delightful little brother. And he didn’t smell like she’d complained about on the bus, she was just rude and dramatic.</p><p>It had been a weird but good day. He was exhausted, his arms were aching and it felt good, he felt so strong. He felt like one of the boys.</p><p>When Laura had finally told him what they were going to be doing, he’d been ready to be disappointed. He was ready for her to argue to no avail just to get the trainer to let him box. He was ready to be sent away again. To have to ride back on the bus with Laura, trying not to cry.</p><p>But that hadn’t happened. The trainer, Tommy, was a middle-aged guy who was just trying his best. He had no idea what he was doing but definitely tried. He’d scanned the form Laura handed him and glanced at David with an encouraging smile. He seemed to see David correctly or at least wasn't going to say anything. Patted him on the back when he’d left and told him he would see him next week.</p><p>If David was honest the class itself was a bit of a letdown, hadn’t really been a class at all. Not organised or professional like the football club. But to David what mattered was that he’d been treated correctly, considered the same as all the other boys, so to him it had been a win. He'd been able to let off some steam, let out some of his anger and come back as tired and achy as he did from football.</p><p>He felt so good.</p><p>He'd wanted to avoid his mum before she could shatter that slight high he was feeling but, of course, he had no such luck.</p><p>He managed about five minutes of peace before he heard her calling him from downstairs. He ignored her. She was calling him the wrong name anyway. Eventually, he heard her marching up the stairs and braced himself for more of her crap.</p><p>David wondered what it would be this time. His clothes? His hair? His attitude? His refusal to answer to a name that hurt him?</p><p>It was always something with her.</p><p>He hadn't expected her to get this straight away. He'd expected confusion, expected her to be upset but he'd never expected this aggressive level of denial. She saw it as a personal failing. That she’d failed him as a mother. It was nothing to do with that but she wouldn’t take the time to understand him.</p><p>Before he came out, she thought he was a tomboy and she didn't much care, encouraged it even. She let him run wild, just smiled fondly when he came in covered in mud. Bought him a skateboard when he asked and cleaned his cuts when he fell, made him get up and try again instead of sulking. He’d gotten pretty good too. She'd had no problems with it. It was even her that encouraged him into football, to run around and just have fun. Never even questioned that he’d joined the boys' team. She let him be who he wanted to be and for years that was enough.</p><p>But it wasn’t enough anymore and the moment he'd explained it to her, told her he was a boy it was like he'd offended her. Or she saw it as a mistake that she’d made somehow. The thing was he didn’t think she had a problem with the concept in general, just didn’t want it for her child. Which was such a fucking hypocrisy.</p><p>Now she did everything she could to try and remind him he was a girl, where she'd never bothered before. Never once had he worn a dress and that had been fine by her. But now she was buying him all these clothes he just couldn't wear. Like she thought if he was exposed to girly things long enough he would see what he was missing. She thought she’d encouraged him into this, thought she could encourage him right back out of it.</p><p>She opened the door without knocking and barged into his room as usual. David could barely remember how easy their relationship used to be. He did though, he loved her and he missed her so much. It hurt him so badly that she was treating him this way. They'd been so close once, he wanted it back.</p><p>He didn’t even look at her, just continued to lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling. He'd flopped onto the bed the moment he'd gotten home and hadn't moved. In part because he was ignoring her but also just because he was sore and tired. His whole body ached now, worse than football and he hadn’t even pushed himself that hard.</p><p>"I’ve been shouting for you,” she said, frustrated that he was ignoring her.</p><p>David just shrugged and tried not to wince at the pain in his arms. He knew what it meant though, the dull ache meant he was building muscle. That made him smile to himself. His mum approached the bed and stood over him, arms folded.</p><p>“Why didn’t you answer me?”</p><p>“Maybe use my name and I’ll answer you,” David said.</p><p>“Don’t start that again, you can't just change your name on a whim,” she said tiredly.</p><p>He didn’t know why she was sounding so put upon, surely it would just be easier to accept his name rather than keep up this argument because he wasn’t letting it go. She would have to back down eventually.</p><p>"It's not a whim," David argued, even though it was pointless. "What do you want?" he asked, not even wanting to get into the argument about his name. Again.</p><p>"Look your hair is getting very messy, I’m going to the salon next week so I'm going to book both of us in, ok?" she asked.</p><p>What the hell did she want now, a mummy daughter bonding day? That was not happening, he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.</p><p>She was right though, his hair was getting messy. But it was because he just wanted it short. It was one thing that never used to bother him, the hair. It was always bigger than it was long and he'd always thought that was cool as a kid. But he wanted it cut short now like the other boys and he knew he wasn't going to get that. So he’d let it grow wild and untamed.</p><p>"No," he said.</p><p>"No?"</p><p>"I want to cut it off, I'm not styling it or making it pretty, I want it short," he insisted.</p><p>"But it's so beautiful darling. I know it’s gotten messy so we’ll tidy it up, make it hang nicely around your face. We could do braids, you would look so pretty," she said.</p><p>The thing was David got it, what she was doing. She thought she was helping him. Because she wouldn't listen to him when he explained, because she wouldn't read the information he’d given her. She just thought there was something wrong with him. She thought because she'd let him be a tomboy he'd gotten confused. And now she was just trying to do everything she could to remind him he was a girl. She wasn't even trying to be mean, she really thought one day he’d look back on all this and see it as a kindness. It hurt so much. She was so fucking stubborn and it was hurting him.</p><p>"I don’t want to be pretty and it’s my hair," David muttered.</p><p>"Sweetheart please-"</p><p>"No! No! Leave me alone! I hate you!"</p><p>He couldn’t take it anymore, he’d had such a good day and he wasn’t going to let her ruin it for him. He felt the anger rising, letting it all out earlier meant nothing as soon as he was back. All his rage was back in full force. He was so frustrated with this, so done.</p><p>She looked shocked, so he got up and shoved her out of the room before she could say anything else. He just wanted to be alone. He was always alone. It was the only way he could be.</p><p>The thing was he didn't actually hate her, he loved her a lot, but he wasn't her daughter and he never could be. He just wished she'd accept that.</p><p>“I’m trying here darling,” she said through the door, “one day when you've gotten over this boy phase you’ll thank me for being sensible."</p><p>David just threw himself onto the bed and screamed into his pillow.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Up Next:</p><p>Back to boxing, fights and arguments, and a begrudging friendship (on David's part, Matteo is nothing but enthusiastic).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Matteo was back and despite David's best efforts to scare him away, he seemed intent on sticking around. Seemed unfazed by David's grumpiness, his snappishness, he wanted to be friends despite all that and oh boy did David want that. He wanted a friend desperately but more than that he wanted Matteo, this odd kid, to be his friend. Because he knew, deep down he knew somehow that he was important, that he would stick around, not be scared off like the other kids at school. And that meant everything.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David had been excited to go back to the class, had bounced along with Laura all the way there. She dropped him off with a wave and a promise to be back in two hours. He was warned not to leave without her. Then she’d skipped off and left him to it, he was twelve after all, not two.</p><p>But the moment he’d gotten inside the practice room he’d gotten some news that filled him with trepidation again. Tommy had come up to him and explained to him that he'd just been covering the past few weeks for his son, Marco, who was back next week. Apparently, this other guy would know exactly what to do with him, would possibly even let him spar with the other boys. He would know how to train David up and get him to the same level as all the others. Tommy told him this with such excitement, clearly hoping that David would feel the same. Told him all of it like it was such brilliant news but David had been devastated, had barely been able to fake a smile. Yes, he wanted to do this properly but he knew it was something he couldn’t ever have. He’d accepted that. Mucking around had suited him just fine.</p><p>Next week the proper boxing would commence and he would have to leave. This new guy would probably see right through him, send him away just like Daniel had. Apparently, he was a pro when he was a teenager, there was no way someone like that would see him correctly. It was absolutely crushing him. He’d been kidding himself the whole time, thinking he could get away with it. This was football all over again.</p><p>David knew he’d hardly gotten to do anything, he wasn’t even brave enough to talk to the other boys but he’d still felt like one of them. They’d all waved at him when he’d come in, two of them had bumped fists with him. They’d said hi and he’d returned it shakily. David wanted to keep coming, get braver and talk to them properly but he knew he couldn't now.</p><p>He hated that he didn't get to have these things he deserved. He knew he could be a good boxer, he was quick on his feet and he could build up his strength. He could fight for real. He could fight in competitions and win, get medals and trophies and make this Marco guy proud. But he knew he wouldn't let him. He’d kick him out or worse he’d make him box with girls until he got too strong and then he wouldn't be allowed to box at all.</p><p>He was never allowed to do anything, everything was always so much harder for him. He was only twelve and already exhausted.</p><p>So he’d just stalked off to the corner again and started punching the bag. Trying not to get too upset. But it was hard, he wanted to go home and cry but Laura wasn’t going to be back for another two hours. And he didn’t want to disappoint her, this had been her idea. He would just have to suck it up. Pretend to keep coming even after they kicked him out. God this was all so hard. How the hell did his mum think this was a choice? That he would put himself through this over and over again? That he would choose to be rejected by everyone?</p><p>He took a deep and shaky breath to steady himself and continued to punch, slow and steady. The rhythm, the repetitive sound of his hits calming him somewhat. He focussed on each punch, let everything else drift away. It was just him and the bag until it wasn’t anymore.</p><p>“Ok so I looked it up and apparently the bag isn’t supposed to move as much as I thought.”</p><p>Matteo was back. David ignored him and continued to punch. He always seemed to show up when David was angry or upset. The thing was, despite their rocky first meeting David had quite been looking forward to seeing Matteo again. Had hoped he would show up. But now he was upset he didn’t want to see anyone. This Marco guy would probably tell everyone what he was, then Matteo and the other boys would look at him just like everyone else.</p><p>“It is supposed to move though,” Matteo continued.</p><p>He stepped closer and David continued to ignore him but he hit the bag harder, trying to make it swing just to make this dumb boy shut up. He didn't know why he was trying to impress him, Matteo clearly knew nothing about boxing if he was excited by a swinging bag. But David always was a bit of a show-off. Or he would be if he was allowed. He wanted to show off to Matteo, wanted to wow him, make him laugh.</p><p>But he didn’t realise how close Matteo was and then the inevitable happened, the bag swung out wildly and caught him, sending him sprawling to the floor. David looked around nervously for Matteo’s mum, worried he was going to get into real trouble this time. He hadn't meant to knock him over again.</p><p>Thankfully, no one was paying them any attention, so he pulled off his gloves then rushed over and pulled Matteo to his feet. Matteo swayed dangerously and gripped onto David’s arms for balance.</p><p>“Are you ok?” David asked, frowning at this clumsy boy.</p><p>Matteo didn’t seem to care that he’d just been knocked to the floor, just looked back at David absolutely delighted.</p><p>“Yeah! You made it swing!” he said, bouncing with excitement.</p><p>"It’s not supposed to swing like that,” David muttered, “means you don’t have control."</p><p>Somehow he couldn't stop himself smiling at Matteo's excitement though, he tried his best to hide it but knew he was grinning back.</p><p>"It makes you look stronger though," Matteo argued, miming punches now, looking absolutely ridiculous.</p><p>David scrutinised him for a moment then dragged him back over to the bag. He handed him his gloves. Matteo shook his head, laughing slightly.</p><p>"No, if you’re so strong, prove it," David said, challenging him.</p><p>"I never said I was but prepare to be wowed boxer boy," Matteo said, pulling on the gloves. "I’m Matteo by the way."</p><p>David smiled, he couldn’t help himself. "I know. I’m David," he said quietly.</p><p>Sometimes he got a funny look when he said that. Sometimes nothing more than a double-take, other times people would stare and try to figure him out. But Matteo just grinned and held out his now gloved hand. David bumped it and gestured for Matteo to get on with it.</p><p>Matteo stepped in front of the bag determinedly, feet square apart, what little muscle he had tensed. He hit the bag with what looked like his full strength and it didn’t move an inch. Matteo almost fell back at the resistance. David just stared at him, smirking. He knew he was full of shit.</p><p>“That was a warm-up punch,” Matteo said grinning, not put out at all by the lack of movement.</p><p>He punched the bag again, then again. On the fourth hit, the bag finally moved. On the fifth, he managed to make it swing like David had but when it swung back it knocked him to the floor because of course it did.</p><p>“Jesus Christ, are you alright?” David asked, pulling him up again.</p><p>He checked him over just like his mother had last week, he seemed unharmed. David was starting to think falling was just a regular occurrence for Matteo.</p><p>“I fall a lot,” Matteo said, grinning and proving David’s point.</p><p>“Are you hurt?”</p><p>“Dunno, a bit dizzy.” Matteo wobbled where he stood.</p><p>David kept a hold of him until it seemed he had his balance back. It was still touch and go when he let go of him but he stayed upright.</p><p>“It’s like my brain and my body move at different speeds,” Matteo explained.</p><p>David could see that in the way he moved, the way he stumbled a lot. His body was slow, his brain seemed fast. Last week he’d been so quick to defend David to his mum, had quickly decided that he forgave him. He was funny too, cheeky. David knew they would get on if he let him in. But he couldn’t do that.</p><p>He wanted to. Desperately. But he couldn’t.</p><p>“Then I don’t think boxing’s for you,” David said, holding out his hands for his gloves. “How old are you?”</p><p>Matteo handed them over. “Twelve,” he said.</p><p>David scoffed. “You’re not twelve, <em>I’m</em> twelve,” he said.</p><p>“Am too,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>David narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re so little though,” David said.</p><p>He wasn’t though, David was tall for his age, he hoped that would stay, that he was going to keep getting taller. His mum was tall, he hoped to be her height at least. Better still his dad’s but he knew that was unlikely.</p><p>Yes, he was taller than Matteo for now, but Matteo was only just under average height. They were both entering into the age of growth spurts and all those other changes, good and bad. Everything David was dreading.</p><p>Matteo shrugged and grinned at him, pushing his stupid fringe out of his face. It was the hair that made him seem younger, not his height. It was the hair and the chubby baby cheeks he still had. Plus the fact that he still very much behaved like a child, like with his mum last week. David liked to think he was far more mature than that. He just rolled his eyes when Matteo proved his point and stuck out his tongue.</p><p>In some ways, he was a little jealous. Matteo still got to be a kid, got to be himself without working at it. Nobody saw him all wrong, nobody questioned him. Everything was easy for him and it showed in his happy go lucky attitude. David didn’t get that. Didn’t get easy or free. Had to work hard and fight everyone and they still didn’t see him right.</p><p>It meant he had to grow up now, be more mature just so they believed he knew his mind when he told them his truth and even then they saw it as childish whims. His parents, his teachers, they all thought he was too young to know what he needed.</p><p>“Can I watch you?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Bored.”</p><p>“Ok,” David said, resuming his punching, “why are you even here?”</p><p>“Choir practice upstairs, mine was earlier but mama’s in charge of both, she’s bossing the teenagers around now,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“Ok,” David said.</p><p>“Next year I have to sing with them,” Matteo said, inching closer, David kept watch on him from the corner of his eye.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“I’m scared,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>David glanced at him now, realising what he wanted here. He wanted reassurance. He wanted a friend and he already saw David that way. David was stunned, could only stare at him. He didn’t really know how to advise him with that either, his tactic was always avoidance, but he was just so glad that Matteo considered him a friend.</p><p>“Oh er… I’m sure it’ll be fine,” he suggested lamely.</p><p>Matteo just shrugged, David noticed him drifting even closer and stopped hitting the bag. He pushed Matteo back a few paces.</p><p>“Stay here,” he warned.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Why are you so angry?” he asked curiously.</p><p>“I’m not angry,” David insisted, going back to the bag.</p><p>“Yes you are though. I don’t mind. But you pushed me last week. Why? Was I being mean? I didn’t mean to be mean,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You were teasing me. But I’m sorry for pushing you,” David said.</p><p>“It’s ok. I wasn’t teasing you though, not really, I was just talking to you,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>He had been teasing but maybe he meant it in the fun teasing way, not the mean way. David was so used to the mean way he’d forgotten that teasing could be fun if it was from the right person. He wished he could have that. Matteo did seem like he didn’t have a mean bone in his body. He seemed like one of those kids that were inexplicably naughty and yet a total goody two shoes at the same time.</p><p>“You were going to say the other boys were better than me,” David reminded him.</p><p>Matteo looked around and grinned. “I mean-”</p><p>“Don’t!” David hissed.</p><p>He was so quick to get angry because it was always there under the surface. He tried to calm down, tried not to scare Matteo away. But then what was the point? Next week everyone would know and Matteo wouldn’t want anything to do with him.</p><p>Matteo blinked at him, suddenly nervous. He hesitated, deciding whether or not to back off but he stayed put. He looked scared but he stayed put. The thing was David knew he was scary when he got angry like that, Laura had told him as much. When he got wound up and angry he became bigger, more intimidating, he towered over the other boys at school. It was why they left him alone, for now. He thought Matteo was pretty brave to stick around.</p><p>“What? I was-”</p><p>“Don’t compare me to them!” David said, panicking.</p><p>He was terrified he was going to get caught out. He looked around the room and was reminded again that he just didn’t fit in, that he wasn’t quite one of them. His default when he was afraid was anger and Matteo was pushing him into it.</p><p>“Ok, I… I don’t really understand,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I have to try so hard, don’t compare me to them, please,” David said.</p><p>“Ok sorry,” Matteo said.</p><p>David could tell he genuinely meant it, he was being sincere. He really wasn’t trying to be rude. It was normal to want to know about one another, but this was something he couldn’t know, he would never understand, nobody did.</p><p>“Because they’re bigger than you?” Matteo asked. He sounded so confused, he didn’t understand David’s fears because how could he?</p><p>David just ignored him, didn’t want to get into it. Because he wanted to tell him, he wanted to confess everything to Matteo. He’d never felt like that, never wanted to tell before. He was still able to pass, so did everything he could to avoid telling. But for some reason, Matteo was worming his way in and David wanted to tell him everything. He wanted Matteo to do the same, share all his own secrets, and no matter how tame they might be compared to David’s own, he wanted to know them.</p><p>“I actually think you might be the strongest,” Matteo decided.</p><p>“Go away,” David muttered, he knew he wasn’t the strongest and would never be the strongest no matter how hard he tried. He was strong but he would never be the best. He would never beat these boys. Not yet at least.</p><p>“No I’m watching, you said I could. And I do really think that David,” Matteo said, trying to appease him. He was so sweet, David could tell he really meant it.</p><p>It didn’t matter though, because what did Matteo know about being strong?</p><p>“Whatever,” David said, hitting the bag. He hit hard, with all his strength and it swung wildly now, out of control just like he’d told Matteo earlier. He was out of control.</p><p>“Why are you scared of the other boys?” Matteo asked and David realised he wasn’t going to drop this. He was one of those people that asked and asked until you gave in. David just liked to let things lie.</p><p>“Get back,” David warned.</p><p>“But-”</p><p>David grabbed the bag before it knocked him out then pushed Matteo back. “Stay here Matteo,” he said firmly.</p><p>“Ok but-”</p><p>“Stay here.”</p><p>The moment David walked back to the bag Matteo started drifting closer again.</p><p>“Can you not listen?” David asked, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t make it sound harsh. Something about Matteo made him want to try and be gentler. Matteo looked down at his feet and then frowned as if just now realising he was moving. He stepped back again.</p><p>“Why are you angry David? Why are you scared?” he asked gently.</p><p>“Do you ever shut up? You’re so annoying,” David snapped, trying to make him drop it. He didn’t want to snap but Matteo wasn’t going to let this go and David would end up telling him everything.</p><p>He didn’t want to see that look of disgust or pity on Matteo’s face like he saw from so many.</p><p>“You’re so mean,” Matteo said sadly, looking down at his feet.</p><p>“I know,” David agreed.</p><p>Matteo took a deep breath and looked up at him again.</p><p>“Why are you mean?” he asked, because apparently he just didn’t know when to leave things alone.</p><p>“I’m going to punch you,” David muttered.</p><p>“No you won’t,” Matteo said with a cheeky grin. It was a lot smaller than it had been before but it was still a smile.</p><p>David marched over to him, and stood over him, fists raised. That wiped the smile off his face.</p><p>Matteo cowered then, throwing up his hands to defend himself, his face scrunched up in fear. He really expected to be punched by David.</p><p>David hadn’t really been going to punch him, he was sure of that. He would never hit someone, not someone defenceless at least. It had been an empty threat but it unsettled him, that Matteo thought him capable. Even though he himself had threatened violence.</p><p>He didn’t know why he was surprised at Matteo’s fear. He was bigger than Matteo, angrier, scared, of course Matteo was afraid. He may have a happy-go-lucky attitude but David was standing over him, fists raised.</p><p>He wasn’t surprised, he realised, he was just upset at himself. Because he didn’t like that at all, he didn’t want anyone to be scared of him. Well, maybe the bullies at school but he didn’t want Matteo to be scared of him. Matteo hadn't done anything wrong was just chatting to him, just trying to get to know him. That was what normal kids did. David wanted to be a normal kid like Matteo thought he was.</p><p>David didn’t want to be mean, didn’t want to be this cold person he was turning into. He wanted to be a boy that was all. Why did it seem that to fit in he had to be mean? Aloof? Tough? He wasn’t tough at all. He was the furthest thing from tough.</p><p>But Matteo didn’t need to know that. Didn’t need to know that most nights he curled up in his bed and cried at how cruel the world was to him.</p><p>Matteo didn’t need to know he wasn’t tough, but right now David needed him to know he wasn’t mean.</p><p>“I’m not going to punch you,” David said, holding out his gloved hands.</p><p>Matteo bumped them nervously.</p><p>“Promise?”</p><p>“Promise.”</p><p>“Not ever?”</p><p>“Not ever.”</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo grinned again, wider this time.</p><p>“Just stop asking so many questions,” David said.</p><p>“But you won’t answer,” Matteo whined.</p><p>“Because I don’t want to,” David said.</p><p>“But why?”</p><p>“Just because,” David said.</p><p>He was pretty sure Matteo was not going to let this drop. David wondered how long he would keep it up before he gave in just to shut him up. He probably would, if they became friends because his secret was a heavy burden. Maybe Matteo would get it, help carry the weight. He doubted it but maybe he would stay anyway, despite David’s problems.</p><p>“Because why?”</p><p>“Oh my god you’re the most annoying boy I’ve ever met,” David said.</p><p>“You should try looking in a mirror,” Matteo said, grinning at him.</p><p>David shoved him then immediately grabbed his shoulders to stop him falling. He still wobbled dangerously. David stared at him for a second. He couldn’t help but smile at his quick wit.</p><p>“Do you really see me as a boy?” he whispered.</p><p>Matteo blinked. “What?” he said, completely confused.</p><p>“Nevermind,” David muttered.</p><p>“David, I don’t understand,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Leave it.”</p><p>Matteo just frowned and David went back to the bag. Stupid Matteo. Stupid Coach Daniel. Stupid everyone. Why was everything so hard?</p><p>“What did you mean?” Matteo asked quietly, gently.</p><p>David wanted to tell him so badly, wanted to tell this strange funny boy all his secrets and just hope against hope that he would get it. That he would shrug and say it didn’t matter, that they could be friends anyway. He wanted that so badly and it hurt that he wouldn’t get it.</p><p>“Can you leave it? I didn’t mean to say that, please drop it?” David begged.</p><p>He’d just found Matteo, maybe they could be friends if he didn’t scare him away. If he just had a little more time to get to know him first, then maybe Matteo would think him worth keeping even after he found out the truth.</p><p>To David’s surprise, Matteo nodded.</p><p>“Ok,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry,” he added.</p><p>David dropped his fists to his side and beckoned for Matteo to move closer.</p><p>“I know I’m a lot sometimes,” Matteo said.</p><p>David looked around, no one was paying them any attention. His arms hurt anyway and he wasn’t going to be allowed to stay next week so what was the point? He nodded to the door and Matteo grinned.</p><p>They snuck out and headed upstairs, finding an empty room on the second floor. It was some kind of classroom but it looked like it hadn’t been used in years. A thick layer of dust covered all the desks and there were piles of old books everywhere.</p><p>Matteo climbed up onto the windowsill and David joined him, sitting opposite him.</p><p>“You ask a lot of questions,” David said gently, “but it’s not a bad thing. I just… I have some secrets and they are very painful for me to talk about. So you asking questions scares me, and then I get angry, you know? Because I’m scared,” he said.</p><p>Matteo nodded.</p><p>“Ok. Thank you for explaining that. I won’t ask you any more questions, I’m sorry for upsetting you, I know that I can be too much sometimes,” he said solemnly.</p><p>“No… you’re not too much anything don’t think like that,” David insisted, he knew these kinds of insecurities, would not let Matteo think that way, would not be the cause of that. “Matteo you can ask questions, but if I ask you to stop you gotta stop,” he said.</p><p>Matteo nodded and smiled, a little shyly, cheeks going pink. He tapped David’s feet with his own. “Will you ever tell me?” he asked.</p><p>“Maybe, but I don’t think you’d like me very much if I did,” David mumbled.</p><p>“I promise you I will,” Matteo said, holding out his pinky finger.</p><p>David rolled his eyes but linked fingers with him. Matteo curled his finger and David did the same.</p><p>“Ok so now you can tell me anything David, only when you’re ready and I promise I will still be your friend,” he said, so seriously, so sincerely that David almost believed him.</p><p>Maybe he really did have a friend in Matteo. He really hoped he was right, that he could trust this strange boy. He wanted a friend, sure. But he really wanted to be friends with Matteo, he was odd, a little immature but David liked him, wanted to keep him. He desperately wished he could.</p><p>David smiled at him weakly and nodded. He knew one day he’d tell him the truth and maybe, just maybe, he would stay. They would be friends with no secrets between them. And David could finally relax, if only for a little while.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So are they best friends forever? It certainly seems that way.</p><p>Up next:</p><p>An awful trip to the salon, but Laura being the best sister ever.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This was the worst day of David's life. He wasn't exaggerating or being dramatic, this was the worst thing his mum had ever done to him. He thought she would come around but he was starting to think maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe she wasn't ever going to see him right. Maybe this was really how the next few years were going to go. It was absolutely devastating.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ok, so this was not the chapter that I thought I was uploading when I put the little teaser at the end of the last one, I've got so much content now I just got confused! My brain has been mush this week. However, this was always supposed to be the next chapter. Just a warning though, it's pretty heavy. Twelve is such a difficult age. You know who you are and what you want but no one will listen. I have been in David's situation in this chapter and it's as painful as he makes it out to be. But the adults never listen to you when you're twelve.<br/>And the thing is David's mum isn't evil, she's not cruel, she's just stupid, so stupid. She thinks she's helping, thinks this is her taking care of her child when all she's doing is hurting him. She is starting to realise it though and this is as bad as it gets between them I promise. They will heal, it'll be tough but they will be ok.</p><p> </p><p>  <b>So warnings for overcontrolling parents, dysphoria, panic attacks, misgendering, and general distress and trauma for David.</b></p><p> </p><p>That all sounds like a lot but David is absolutely ok, this is a heavy chapter but it's a happy story overall. And he is ok even by the end of the chapter. He has Laura and from now on things are going to start going his way. As they should, as he deserves.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David had tried to fight it for as long as possible but eventually, his mum managed to drag him to the salon and get him in the dreaded chair. He fought her on it the whole way there, begged her for a simple haircut, even just to shave it off, but she wasn’t having any of it. She had a style in mind, she was choosing for him and he’d been terrified. He knew she was going to do everything she could to change him back into her daughter.</p><p>In the end, he had no choice. He was a kid, he didn’t get a say in any of it, just had to sit there while his mum told the hairdresser exactly what she wanted for him. They pored over various styles, not even consulting him. The hairdresser agreed with his mum because he was a child and that meant he couldn’t possibly know what he wanted for himself. </p><p>But even if she would listen, David couldn't speak, couldn't voice his wants, his voice completely failed him. He couldn’t make himself speak up. He couldn’t protest and he felt pathetic, he felt so weak. He was allowing this to happen.</p><p>The smiling woman assured him he was going to look beautiful when she was done with him and David wanted to scream. Wanted to grab the scissors and go at his hair himself. But instead, he just sat there completely passive while she teased out the tangles and started to plait it with care and attention.</p><p>The hairdresser thought she was being kind, she thought he was embarrassed about the mess his hair was in, so she was extra gentle with him. She didn’t understand what was wrong and he didn’t dare tell her. Just sat there and let her make him look all wrong.</p><p>He’d never hated his mum as much as he did at that moment. The way she just sat there exchanging pleasantries with this woman while he sat there watching her transform him into something he wasn’t. She was good at her job, divided his hair up expertly, carefully plaiting it into thin braids. And she was right, they looked beautiful but they weren’t him. He looked completely wrong and he hated it.</p><p>When she was done he continued to sit there staring at his reflection while his mum paid the woman, still chatting away like it was a normal day out. Like she had gotten him a gift and they’d had a wonderful time together. </p><p>David looked at himself in the mirror. The long braids hung down past his shoulders now, whereas before, because of the volume it would just stick out everywhere. He’d wanted it shorter but he didn’t mind that so much, wished he could go back to how it was. He stared at the pot holding the scissors, wanting so badly to chop it all off. He wanted to smash the mirror, he wanted to disappear.</p><p>He looked so wrong, like everything he didn’t want. He’d never looked like this before, never had he not been allowed to choose his own hair. Now more than ever he needed the hair gone. He couldn’t get away with it any longer, he needed it to be short. He knew hair didn't really mean anything but he couldn't walk around like this, it highlighted other parts of him that he wanted desperately to hide, framed his face all wrong, made him look delicate and feminine. He hated it so much. He tugged at it in his distress.</p><p>Before she’d finished up the hairdresser had offered to give him a makeover to go with his new hairdo. David had just sat there crying quietly while she stared at him worriedly. His mum had assured her he was just too young for makeup, she had said it in a tone that made it clear he was embarrassing her. That was all this was to her, an embarrassment. To him this was devastating and painful, to her it was just him being difficult.</p><p>The tears were falling again. He wasn’t sure they’d stopped, wasn’t sure he could stop. Thought perhaps he might end up crying himself to death, crying until there was nothing left of him but a pool of tears.</p><p>He looked at himself in the mirror again and realised what was to come. What the next four years were going to be like. This was how he was going to be seen and he didn’t know if he could do it anymore. He felt on the very edge of breaking down. He could hardly breathe, he thought he might be sick. He took slow breaths and tried to stay calm.</p><p>His mum came back over to him and handed him his jacket. She gave him a look that said, don’t mess me about. So he didn’t, what was the point? She’d won, she’d gotten what she wanted. He shrugged on his jacket and she placed a hand on his shoulder, leading him back to the car. She held on tight to him. Perhaps she thought he would run away. He wished he could, wished he was brave enough to just run, leave it all behind.</p><p>Instead, he just walked beside her silently, tears still streaming down his face. He felt so sick, could barely walk, he kept stumbling, tripping over his feet. Everything was blurry, from more than just the tears.</p><p>“Look I know you don’t like it but it was such a mess and if you’re not going to look after it I had to do something,” she said gently, like she hadn’t just ruined his life. </p><p>She really thought she was being kind, she really couldn’t see how much she was hurting him. If this didn’t make her see, what would? She really wasn’t ever going to get it.</p><p>David tried to stay calm, tried to keep breathing but it was too much, he was dizzy, he was going to be sick. He stumbled again and tried to keep moving forward but it was like reality was fading away and everything was getting dark. They made it back to the car and he slumped against the door, trying to calm down. He gripped onto the surface of the metal and tried to remind himself it was real, he was real. He tried to ground himself but it was too hard.</p><p>“Sweetheart?”</p><p>He knew he was scaring her, he was scaring himself. He had no idea what was happening to him.</p><p>“I can’t breathe, mum I can’t breathe, help me mum!” he said, really panicking now.</p><p>Everything was spinning, he felt like he was going to throw up, pass out. He should have passed out by now but inexplicably he was still awake. Despite the fact he felt like he was suffocating, he was filled with energy and adrenaline. It was like his body was gearing up to flee and he wanted to. He wanted to run away from all of it but his fucking legs wouldn’t move, wouldn’t even hold him up. His mum was supporting him now, helping him into the car.</p><p>She was talking to him, asking him if he was ok but he couldn’t think, everything was blurry. She sounded far away. She was using his birth name just like always and he didn’t have the energy to block it out like he usually did. Didn’t even have the energy to wince every time she said it. He just closed his eyes and tried to relax enough to pass out. His breathing was so shallow, surely he would faint now.</p><p>“David!” his mum screeched, the first time she’d ever used his name. “David!”</p><p>He opened his eyes as she shook him.</p><p>“Breathe David, breathe,” she said, her tone a little harsh but her face betrayed her terror. He’d never seen her afraid like that.</p><p>He took a deep breath and it fucking hurt, his chest was so tight, he could barely make it expand. He took another one and then another one. He kept going until his heart rate slowed and the tears started up again. He was breathing again but he couldn’t stop crying. He was beyond hysterical.</p><p>“Sweetheart?”</p><p>He ignored her, just kept crying, shaking, taking deep breath after deep breath until the trembling passed and he collapsed in his seat. He had nothing left, he was completely done. He had no energy, no fight left in him.</p><p>“I’m fine mum, I’m fine,” he said, exhausted.</p><p>She looked at him worriedly, she didn't know what to say. </p><p>He’d scared her sure but he knew it wasn’t enough to make her back down. He wished it was but after what she’d done to him today he didn’t think she was ever going to see, ever going to treat him correctly. She was as stubborn as him. She wouldn’t give in, because that would mean she was wrong and that just wasn’t possible.</p><p>She would rationalise all of this, use his reaction to prove her point. She probably thought this was all part of it, that he was doing it to himself. That he was upsetting himself with his silly “whims”.</p><p>She looked at him for a long time but finally, she turned back to the road and set off.</p><p>As they headed home he thought about everything he’d just lost. He couldn’t go back to boxing now, couldn’t ever see Matteo again, or any of the other boys. They’d never see him correctly now. They’d never looked twice at him but they would now, he couldn’t pass like this. He couldn’t go back, the looks he got there would be far worse than anything he got from the kids at school.</p><p>Then there was school. He was supposed to start in two weeks and yeah most of the kids from his primary school would be there but so would other kids from other schools. There had been a small, minuscule chance that some of those kids would believe him when he told them he was a boy and she’d just stolen that from him. Now when they saw him they’d never believe him. </p><p>He was never going to back down on this, he would correct them all every time they got it wrong but this made it so much harder. How the hell was he going to survive? Just the thought of the next few years, living like this made him so tired, deep down in his bones, the most exhausted he’d ever felt.</p><p>He could hear his mum talking to him but it sounded far away. She was focused on the road but kept glancing across at him. This was the first time he’d scared her like this. Shouldn’t this be enough to make her realise?</p><p>He knew it wouldn’t matter to her, she was never going to change her mind. He knew that now. She’d dragged him to that salon even after he’d outlined just how painful it would be for him to have his hair styled. She didn’t care at all. So he ignored her, didn’t say a word. </p><p>She’d won, what was the point? </p><p>Slowly he calmed down, resigned himself to his fate. She wasn’t going to help him so he needed to conserve all his energy to make it through the next few years. He didn’t have enough left to argue with her.</p><p>When they got home he headed straight up to his room and shut himself in. She didn’t even call after him. She probably thought he was going to sulk so she left him alone. </p><p>David drew the curtains, didn’t want to be seen, even by himself. He wanted to disappear in the darkness.</p><p>He noticed his beanie on the desk and choked out a sob, that wasn't going to work any more. Nothing was going to work. He'd been getting by and now it was clearer than ever exactly what he was and how much he'd been kidding himself this whole time. </p><p>There was nothing else he could do so he curled up under the blankets and wept. </p><p> </p><p>Hours later Laura crept into his room. She didn’t switch on the lights, she just climbed into bed beside him, making sure he was still tightly wrapped in the blankets. She wrapped her arms around him and he turned to face her and she squeezed him tight.</p><p>"Hey David,” she whispered. </p><p>She always did that, could've just said hey, but she used his name far more than she needed to because she knew he didn’t hear it enough. She was so wonderful, she was the only thing that kept him going. He pressed himself against her and she continued to hold him tight.</p><p>“I hate it,” he said quietly. </p><p>“I know, I know,” she said. </p><p>She didn’t try to say it looked ok, didn’t try to convince him there was any silver lining on this. There wasn’t. Instead, she just pressed a kiss to the top of his head then pulled back. “Let me take them out?” she said, sitting up and pulling him up with her. She switched on the bedside lamp and inspected the damage.</p><p>David started crying again, couldn’t help it. She knew she was going to get into trouble for this but she would do it anyway because she loved him so much. She would do anything to take away his pain. There was very little she could do to stop the changes that were coming but she would do everything in her power to ease their effect.</p><p>She was his family, the best sister he could’ve asked for. She just wiped away his tears and then turned him so that he was facing away from her. She began to painstakingly undo all the hairdresser’s careful work, slowly undoing each plait one by one.</p><p>“You scared mum,” she said, after a few minutes.</p><p>“Why?” he wondered.</p><p>He knew he’d scared her but he didn’t know why she’d been so worried, why she suddenly cared about his feelings.</p><p>“What happened to you, from what she described to dad it sounded like a panic attack,” Laura said.</p><p>“I really freaked out, couldn’t breathe,” David explained. “I was really scared Laura, thought I was going to die for a moment,” he said.</p><p>Laura stopped with his hair for a moment to squeeze him tightly, he leant against her. He was completely exhausted by the day he just had. Laura ran her hands up and down his arms to comfort him then sat him up again.</p><p>“Dad got mad,” Laura said, as she continued with his hair. </p><p>“He did?” David asked.</p><p>“He said, ‘Look Sylvia I don’t like what she’s doing either but she’s twelve you can’t do her hair if she doesn't want it, we could get in trouble’-”</p><p>“Nice to know he cares,” David said darkly. </p><p>Laura flicked his ear when he wriggled in frustration, warning him to keep still.</p><p>“I know what it sounds like, but he was concerned. Yeah, he misgendered you, that was fucked up and I know it sounded like all he cared about was getting in trouble. But he also said she couldn’t do stuff to hurt you just to keep up appearances. He doesn't want you hurting. He’s wrong about so much but he doesn't want you in pain,” she insisted.</p><p>Maybe he should take a good fucking look at him and see just how much pain he was in. Every day that they called him the wrong name, referred to him as “she”, called him their daughter they may as well have been punching him, hitting him, it was almost the same. In fact, he would rather they were. Ok he wouldn’t, that wasn’t fair, he knew there were kids out there that had it far worse than him. But this was <em>his</em> life, this was the worst thing <em>he’d </em>ever experienced. He was not exaggerating when he said it caused him pain. They were hurting him. </p><p>Maybe his dad did care but right now that wasn’t enough. David needed action not vague words of defence. If he cared he would put a stop to this. If he cared he would call him David, love him as a son.</p><p>“It’s not enough,” David said.</p><p>Laura nodded, there was no argument to be had. She agreed with him, his dad wasn’t doing nearly enough. </p><p>She just continued with his hair. As she unwound it all, she also undid all the tension that had settled on him since sitting in that chair at the salon. He just sat there while she changed him back. He wished it really were that easy, that Laura had magic hands that could undo all the changes he was going through.</p><p>It took hours in the end, after all, it had taken hours to put in, and probably cost a small fortune. His mum was going to be pissed but she shouldn’t have done it in the first place. He asked her not to and she should've listened to him. Throughout Laura kept chatting quietly, not commenting when the odd tear ran down his cheek. It was relief, pure and simple relief that he had her, that she always had his back.</p><p>When she was finally done she settled it around his face. Since the hairdresser had had a go at it she’d cut out all the tangles, it was less wild now and still hung properly rather than sticking out in every direction like he liked it. He could work with that though, would only take him a few days of mucking it up to bring the volume back.</p><p>"I could try and cut it for you," Laura offered. </p><p>He wished she could but he was still scared, scared of getting in trouble, scared of getting Laura in trouble. Plus there was more that he needed from his mum, it was why he still hoped she would come around if he was patient, if he stayed on her good side. It was just hair, like this he could cope with it.</p><p>“Not yet,” David whispered. </p><p>“David I don't think she's getting it any time soon,” Laura said. </p><p>He didn't know why he had such faith in her, even after today he still had such hope. He couldn't let go, not yet. Because she’d been worried in the car, she’d called him David, surely that meant something. She loved him, he knew she did. She cared for him, if she didn’t she wouldn’t worry about him. </p><p>He still wanted her to come around, to understand him, wanted to go back to how they were and he was scared going against her would ruin that. </p><p>“I can't, she might,” David insisted. </p><p>“Ok here,” Laura said, scraping all his hair back and knotting it tightly at the back. </p><p>It wasn't brilliant but from the front, it looked shorter, more boyish. David smiled for the first time that day, it hurt his jaw, he’d been so tense before. </p><p>He nodded, pleased with how it looked and she undid it and made him do it again and again until he could get it tight enough. It hurt his face and pulled on his scalp. It would give him a headache if he wore it too long but he didn't care. It looked good, looked better. It would do for a while and hopefully, if he was patient they would let him get it cut.</p><p>“Thank you,” David whispered.</p><p>“Always,” she said, stroking his cheeks, they were sticky from all the tears he’d shed today. She reached out and unknotted his hair again then let him get back into bed. </p><p>“Will you stay?” he asked. </p><p>She nodded and got back in beside him, turning off the lamp and wrapping him up in her arms. She was so strong, she was only sixteen, not even a grown-up yet but she was the strongest person he knew. David didn't know where he would be without her unwavering support. </p><p>Laura pressed a kiss to his forehead.</p><p>“I love you David, so much, one day she'll see, they'll all see you just like I do, just like they should,” she promised.</p><p>He believed her, she had such faith that he was going to be ok. She wouldn't let it go any other way. She would be by his side through it all and he knew he was going to make it because he had her. He could never believe himself but he believed her always.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ok so I know I messed up on the order of the chapters, because I got next weeks chapter ready before this week. I never do anything in order when I write! So for real this time, next week:</p><p>David shares his burdens, learns some of Matteo's own, and realises that maybe he doesn't have to go through the next few years alone.</p><p>There will be no update on Wednesday this week, sadly real life is going to be a lot and take up all my time. But next Sunday is a good one, a bit of tension but mostly all happy after this weeks angst. And bonus it's extra long!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David wants nothing more than to keep boxing, to fit in with the other boys. He wants to be friends with Matteo but he knows he can't. David knows that this new guy Marco, this proper boxer is going to see who he is and tell everyone. So he can't go back, as much as he wants to he can't. Turns out Matteo has other ideas though.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ok so this chapter is a little longer to make up for the lack of the Wednesday update but also because it's just a big one, David finally gets to talk, he's found someone who's going to listen to him and he's got a lot to say. There's a little stress and angst in the beginning but it's mostly just fun and understanding between the two boys.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next time Laura dropped him off she told him to make his own way home. She was a little pissed off because the last time she’d come to get him had been when he’d snuck off with Matteo upstairs. Tommy hadn’t known where he’d gone so Laura had freaked out. David had been told off for pulling a disappearing act, because of course it was all his fault, of course Matteo had been innocent in all of it. </p><p>He’d complained to Laura about it on the bus, how Matteo had been just as complicit in the whole thing and she’d told him he wasn’t cute enough to get away with it like Matteo, so to stop trying. </p><p>He didn’t really need her to pick him up but he knew she would be there at the end of the class despite her warning. He had his watch this time and would be downstairs at the right time. Because he wasn’t going to the class. He’d run off, gone upstairs again ready to hide.</p><p>He was wandering the upper floor of the community centre. He didn’t want to deal with this new trainer, Marco. Didn’t want him to take one look at him and say that boxing wasn’t for girls. He’d already been through it with football, couldn’t do it again. So he was going to hide in the old classroom again. He was just making his way there, hoping Matteo would find him when he heard singing.</p><p>He’d stopped dead, he knew who it was. He stood there just listening to the choir sing their hymn for a moment. He didn’t recognise the song but it was beautiful. David had never been to church but he would if he got to listen to this. His feet carried him towards the sound as the rest of the singers fell away and one sweet voice stood out alone. </p><p>David was sure he knew who the solo singer was, but he had to see. He snuck into the room where the choir was practising and stared. Like he’d suspected Matteo was singing. David just froze, powerless to do anything else but watch him, listen to him, let his angelic voice wash over him. He never wanted that boy to stop singing, he would listen to him always.</p><p>The other kids began to sing again but compared to Matteo, David didn’t rate them very highly. All he could hear was Matteo’s voice, strong and clear, carrying the other kids. It was all he could focus on. For a few moments while he sang so sweetly everything was ok. Boxing didn’t matter. His parents didn’t matter. The fact that the summer holidays were almost over didn’t matter. All that mattered was the music.</p><p>It made him feel safe, made him forget all his worries. </p><p>Too soon it was over and the choir wrapped up. The younger kids dispersed, scurrying off as the older kids trudged in. Before David could make a quick exit Matteo was running up to him.</p><p>“Hi David! Are you ready for boxing? Quick we have to sneak away, mama doesn’t like me watching,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Says it’s too violent, that you lot are thugs,” Matteo said with a grin, pulling him out of the door.</p><p>She’d known last week that Matteo had been just as complicit in them hiding as David had. Had smiled warmly while Matteo quietly explained that they’d just been chatting and had forgotten the time. She definitely knew her son was the one who got himself into mischief, knew exactly where he spent his time.</p><p>“Not like her little angel, you’re such a mama’s boy,” David teased.</p><p>A strange look passed over Matteo’s face, something akin to shame and embarrassment. David knew he had hit a sore spot. </p><p>“So? Is that bad?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“No, it’s not,” David said gently. It wasn’t a bad thing but he wouldn’t call him that again. He knew how painful these things could be.</p><p>“Did you like my singing?” Matteo asked.</p><p>David knew he couldn’t be honest here, couldn’t exactly tell Matteo he would listen to him for hours, that his voice gave him a sense of peace he hadn’t felt in years. That it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard and he hadn’t wanted him to stop because it made him feel safe, feel that one day everything would be ok. He couldn’t say all that because Matteo would be too smug about it. It was for his own good that he kept it to himself because someone had to keep Matteo modest.</p><p>“It was ok,” David said.</p><p>“Oh yeah?” Matteo asked quietly.</p><p>“You were really good,” David said. He couldn’t help it, Matteo looked so keen to hear what he really thought and despite himself, he couldn’t deny him that. He wasn’t going to be smug, not about this, about everything else he was good at yes, but not about this. Singing made Matteo shy and he deserved to hear that he was good.</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said sincerely, cheeks going pink. “Ok ready to box?” he said.</p><p>“Not going,” David mumbled.</p><p>“What? Why?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“They’ll kick me out,” David said, dragging him into their classroom instead. This time he didn’t go over and sit on the windowsill, he paced the room.</p><p>He kicked at the tables and chairs to let out some of his frustration. Because how did he even explain any of this to Matteo? He knew Matteo wouldn't let it go without some kind of explanation, David had learned that already.</p><p>Matteo wouldn't get it. He’d promised last week but David knew he wouldn’t really stay. This was bigger than Matteo could even imagine, he wouldn't want to be dragged into David’s mess.</p><p>David wanted Matteo to stay, wanted him to stay his friend even after he knew the truth. David wanted him to know and understand him. He wanted a real friend who got him.</p><p>He’d had a few sort of friends at his school, until they knew the truth. Then they’d all dropped him. Some immediately, others slowly over the course of a few months, just stopped talking to him, stopped responding to his messages. Apparently, their friendships hadn’t been real at all, how could they have been if they dropped him just like that?</p><p>They had been superficial friendships. Feeling wrong in himself made it difficult for him to fit in. So he’d hung out with the other outcasts. Now he was an outcast from them too, didn’t fit in anywhere.</p><p>None of that mattered compared to this though. This was important. He’d never felt drawn to someone like this, never connected with another kid like this. Matteo was the most annoying boy he’d ever met yet the thought of losing him already made David want to cry. He wanted to keep him, wanted him to know him and stay.</p><p>“Why?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“They just will ok?” David asked, begging him to leave it, but he wasn’t going to. </p><p>If he asked Matteo to stop he might but David was getting too upset and Matteo would want to know why.</p><p>“Did you hit someone?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“No,” David said, he was getting wound up, getting frustrated. </p><p>This wasn’t even about boxing anymore, this was about the fact that he was lonely. The fact that his parents wouldn’t try harder to see him. The fact that his mum would do something that hurt him rather than listen to him. The fact that everything was so fucking hard right now and it was only going to get harder and he was going to have to deal with all of this practically by himself. He’d had a chance, the slim possibility of a friend and he was about to lose it again. He was going to go through his whole life losing people.</p><p>“My mama won’t tell on you for shoving me about, she likes you now,” Matteo promised.</p><p>“It’s not that for fuck sakes,” David muttered. He kicked a table hard and sent a pile of books crashing to the floor. </p><p>Matteo jumped but didn’t back away from him like he probably should. David wasn’t going to hit him, he would keep his promise but he was very angry and knew he must be scary to Matteo.</p><p>“Why are you getting angry? You told me something but then you won’t explain it, you keep doing this. You say I can’t ask but you don’t explain anything. You’re so confusing and mysterious and it’s very difficult to know what I’m allowed to say!”</p><p>“Because you just need to accept it! Accept there are some things you’ll never understand!” David marched over to him but Matteo wouldn’t back down.</p><p>“Stop getting mad at me! What you’re saying doesn’t make sense,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>David needed to get out of there. He didn’t want to fight with Matteo, didn’t want to lose him yet. If he left he could calm down, come back next week and apologise. </p><p>“Look, forget it I’m going home,” he said.</p><p>“But you’re a really good boxer, I don’t understand. Marco is back now and he’ll see that you’re really good and you’ll get to box properly now. You’ll get to punch the other boys instead of the bag,” Matteo said, so confused, he had no idea what was going on. He stepped in front of the door so David couldn’t leave.</p><p>David shoved him, couldn't stop himself. “No I won’t!” he hissed.</p><p>To his surprise, Matteo shoved him right back. “Don’t push me about! You’re bigger than me, it’s bullying! You know I can’t balance! I told you that and you should try harder not to push me even when you’re mad. It’s mean. I could fall and get hurt.”</p><p>“Maybe if you could just stand up it wouldn’t be a problem! You’re too clumsy!”</p><p>Matteo squeezed his eyes shut for a second, trying not to cry. “You’re so mean! I thought you were nice but you’re so mean!” </p><p>Matteo was so close to tears and David wasn’t doing any better. He didn’t want to be yelling these things but he’d been in so much pain for so long. He couldn't do this anymore. But he really didn’t want to take it out on Matteo who’d done nothing wrong. </p><p>His mum was right he should stay away from thugs like David. </p><p>But David didn’t want him to stay away. He wanted to be his friend. He wanted to be a boy but he didn’t want to be mean, didn’t want to be a thug. He wanted to be gentle and kind. He wanted to still be like that even now that he knew he was a boy but he didn’t know how to stay like that and fit in with the others. He wanted to be more like Matteo. Matteo was a boy and he was gentle, he was kind.</p><p>“I don’t know how to do this,” he said, deflating. </p><p>Matteo calmed down the instant he did. “What?” he asked gently.</p><p>“Be a boy,” David confessed, closing his eyes. They were hot but no tears escaped, he was calmer now, Matteo was calm too and he felt a little better.</p><p>“I don’t understand,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s not easy for me, boys are supposed to be tough and mean and strong and I want so badly to be a boy but I don’t want to be that,” he explained.</p><p>There were so many expectations on them, more on him than Matteo. Matteo got away with it because of the way he was born, David didn’t have that luck.</p><p>Matteo just stared at him.</p><p>“But if I’m not, people will think I’m a girl,” David whispered.</p><p>“Oh,” Matteo said, a slight frown on his face as he worked it through.</p><p>He’d done it now, he hadn't told him explicitly but if he tried, if he knew enough about this stuff he would figure it out. But Matteo might not know, most kids didn’t. None of the kids at school understood, had never heard of it. David was going to have to explain it.</p><p>“People like my papa?” Matteo asked, throwing him completely.</p><p>David had no idea where he was going with this now, no idea what he meant.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“My papa always says to me ‘you’re such a girl Matteo’ because I sing instead of play football. And if I cuddle my mama to make her smile because she gets really sad he says I'm too soft and I need to toughen up. He gets mad if I cry because I’m too old to cry and real men don’t cry but I’m just a boy, I’m still just a kid,” he said, voice trailing off to a whisper. “Why can’t I cry? Maybe if he doesn’t want me to cry he shouldn’t yell at me.”</p><p>That wasn't the same at all but it still didn't make it ok, that wasn’t right that his dad treated him like that. That was worse than his mum in a way. His mum was fucking up but she was doing it out of love and ignorance never malice. </p><p>David looked at Matteo standing there sadly, then did what was probably the bravest thing he'd ever done. Because Matteo made him want to be brave. Years later when he looked back on it he would say this was the moment it began for him. This was the day that changed everything. </p><p>He grabbed Matteo and pulled him into a tight hug, far tighter than two boys should probably be hugging according to all those stupid rules Matteo’s papa followed. For a moment David didn’t care about the rules, didn’t want to be tough or strong he just wanted to hug this sweet gentle boy. Because they were both boys, they didn't need to be any other way. </p><p>Matteo hugged him back, laughing softly against his shoulder, snuggling close, taking comfort in being held. Right now he felt small in David's arms. David still couldn't believe they were the same age. But he knew one day soon Matteo would grow past him and leave him behind, possibly end up towering over him. Surprisingly that didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. Maybe Matteo would grow taller than him, maybe he wouldn’t, but he had a feeling that maybe, just maybe Matteo was here to stay.</p><p>He stepped back and looked at Matteo and couldn’t imagine him hating anyone, couldn’t imagine him hating him.</p><p>So he led him over to the corner and sat down, pulling him down with him.</p><p>“I'm not a boy like you,” David whispered.</p><p>“I know,” Matteo said, shocking David slightly. But he didn’t think Matteo knew what he meant here. He was referring to his own differences, not David’s.</p><p>“You do?” he asked anyway. </p><p>“You're a boy like my dad talks about, you know boxing and fighting and stuff? You're tough-” </p><p>“No,” David insisted, he didn’t want Matteo to see him like that, he wanted Matteo to see who he really was.</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“No. I'm not tough or… I don't want to be like that. I want to be more gentle like you. I don't want to be mean or tough, I just want to be me. I’m too young to be tough. But I have to try so much harder, you get to be soft and gentle but I can’t,” David told him. </p><p>“I don't understand,” Matteo admitted. </p><p>Now that he knew he was going to get an answer he was being surprisingly patient, giving David the space to explain, he seemed to sense how serious this was and was just waiting, listening. </p><p>“I wasn't born like this,” David admitted. </p><p>He wanted to explain it to Matteo without freaking him out, without him seeing David any differently but he didn’t know how to do that. This was all still so new to him. The only people he’d told was Laura, which went well, and his parents, which went horribly. His greatest fear right now was Matteo thinking he was disgusting.</p><p>Matteo didn’t freak out yet, just frowned. </p><p>“Matteo, everyone but my sister thinks I'm a girl,” David whispered, “they call me by a name I hate. They stopped me from playing football. The kids at school tease me, bully me but the teachers do nothing because I'm just that freak who thinks he's a boy…” </p><p>“I... that makes no sense,” Matteo said, “how are you a girl?” </p><p>“I'm not,” David said, but he couldn’t stop his voice from shaking. </p><p>“No, but... I don't... why are they so confused?” He was shaking his head slowly, completely at a loss. </p><p>“Because my body is wrong… I don't have… I… we're not the same, my body is more like a girl’s or… it’s different to yours, you know? It’s a bit wrong… you know what I mean? And it's just going to get worse as we change and get older and I'm so scared and angry all the time because it's not fair,” David said, choking on the words as he tried to stay calm.</p><p>Matteo’s facial expression barely changed, his frown deepened in his confusion but that was it.</p><p>“I don't know about this,” Matteo said, “is it real?”</p><p>“It's called transgender,” David said quietly. </p><p>“I know about gender, it means boy or girl?” </p><p>“Yes,” David said, despite his upset he felt himself calming slightly because Matteo wasn’t disgusted. He was smiling at him again, frown gone, simply waiting for David to explain.</p><p>“Ok, then transgender means?” </p><p>David started to relax properly. Matteo wasn’t jumping to conclusions. He was very confused but instead of assuming he was letting David explain, giving him space. So far only Laura had done that and even she’d been tricky because she already had some assumptions about it. She already knew about the concept, about trans people. Matteo had never heard about it, knew nothing but he wasn’t trying to guess anything. He was a blank slate. Yes knowing about it helped Laura get it, but with Matteo he could approach this differently. He got to explain what it meant to him first in conjunction with explaining the concept. Matteo had no previous knowledge or understanding, couldn’t apply things to David that didn’t fit.</p><p>David got to explain it and what it meant for him.</p><p>“My brain thinks I'm a boy no… my brain is a boy’s brain but my body doesn't match it,” he explained. He knew there were better explanations but it was heavy and even though he thought Matteo would understand it if he went into detail, he didn’t want to. He wanted to keep it light, ease him into it, give him time to process. There was a lot of information and if Matteo stayed, they could go into the heavy stuff later. He thought he really might stay. He thought maybe he didn’t have to go on this journey alone.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo said simply, not questioning it at all, maybe it was that simple for him. David hoped so.</p><p>“So when I'm older I can change my body to match better but it's going to be hard,” David said.</p><p>“I've never heard of any of this,” Matteo said. </p><p>“Is it bad?” David asked. That was the ultimate question, what it all came down to.</p><p>“I don't think so but it's very confusing, so… you're a boy?” Matteo asked, no doubt, no meanness, just asking for confirmation of something he already thought to be true. </p><p>“Yes,” David said firmly.</p><p>“Called David?” </p><p>“Yes.” </p><p>“But to others, you're a girl called something else?” Matteo asked.</p><p>David shook his head. That wasn’t quite it, but the only mistake he was making was in his  wording, and in his understanding of others. David would correct him gently, would always correct him gently because the difference was he was trying. The reason he got angry at his mum, his teachers, the kids at school was because they didn’t try. They assumed. Matteo would allow him to correct him, take it on board, just listen to him.</p><p>“No I'm not a girl, they just see me that way, but I’m not,” David clarified.</p><p>Matteo nodded like it made perfect sense to him, he got the importance of what David was saying, that he had to listen to him on this always. “Ok,” he said, accepting his correction.</p><p>“How do you see me?” David asked. He didn’t want Matteo to see him any differently than he did ten minutes ago.</p><p>“I don't know,” Matteo admitted, “I only know you as David so that won't change. When did you know?” </p><p>“Always really but for definite this year,” David told him. “I googled it.”</p><p>Matteo nodded and smiled. “That’s so clever. You're so clever working this out. I think maybe if I'd known you before it would have been harder for me but…” </p><p>“But?” David demanded, he needed to know, even if it was just hypothetical.</p><p>“It makes you sad? Being seen as a girl, being called a different name? It’s mean right?”</p><p>“It hurts, it hurts me so badly,” David admitted. </p><p>“Then that would be worse. Even though I don't understand this at all. You explained it very well but it’s quite confusing. It’s very strange or… it seems strange but actually, it makes perfect sense too. Because you are very clearly a boy and I could never see you as anything else and I think even if we’d met before, it wouldn’t be that hard for me because probably a lot of things about you just make more sense now right?”</p><p>“Right, that’s exactly it,” David agreed.</p><p>That’s what he’d hoped for from the kids at school, the teachers, his parents. He’d hoped everything would just make sense for them like it did for him.</p><p>“But David, even though I'm still a bit confused I don't want you to be sad so I would just have to learn to understand it. But I don't have to because I only know you as David and that's who you are so I don't have to change how I see you, I won’t ever see you differently,” Matteo promised and that meant the world to David because he just knew it was the truth. </p><p>“Thank you,” David whispered.</p><p>“That's ok, so can we be friends now? You can stop being grumpy with me and you can tell me anything and I won’t go anywhere, that means we’re best friends right?”</p><p>“You still want to be friends?” David asked, absolutely amazed at this boy. </p><p>This was all he’d ever wanted. A real friend who got him.</p><p>“Yeah, of course, David,” Matteo said.</p><p>David could tell he was refraining from rolling his eyes. They were friends, he needed to stop questioning it. </p><p>“So you can teach me how to be tough?” Matteo asked with a grin.</p><p>David would do no such thing, there was nothing he would change about Matteo. Matteo was far from tough and David wanted it to stay that way. If he needed someone tough, David would be that person.</p><p>“No you don't need to be tough, you're sweet and that's so much better,” David insisted. </p><p>“My mama says I'm sweet, my dad calls me a mama's boy,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>David hated the man already, he sounded like a bully, like a horrible father. Matteo was very close with his mum and that was a good thing, how awful was this man that he tried to discourage that? </p><p>“That's not a bad thing like he says it, but if you don't want me to I won't call you that again,” David promised, understanding now why Matteo had winced earlier.</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said, “so shall we go box then?”</p><p>Despite the dread that settled over him he couldn't help but laugh. “We?” </p><p>“I help, I encourage you, you’re only so good because I’m there,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“Is that so?” David asked, amused. </p><p>He felt a little better with Matteo there. Maybe he really could go back downstairs. It felt really good that Matteo just accepted him as David. </p><p>He didn’t know David at all really, owed him nothing, not like Laura. He could very easily just walk away. Even if he wasn’t mean about it he could decide he didn’t want to deal with the shit David had going on. After all, he’d known the kids at school longer and they’d dropped him like he was nothing. He hoped Matteo stayed. He was pretty sure now that he would.</p><p>“It really is,” Matteo said, standing up and trying to pull David up. It didn’t take much for David to pull him back down. Matteo glared at him. “Why are you scared?” he asked, not unkindly.</p><p>“The trainer guy, the one who lets us just do whatever?”</p><p>“Tommy?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David mumbled, “he doesn’t… he didn’t question me but this new guy…”</p><p>“Marco?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m scared he’ll know,” David admitted.</p><p>“How?” Matteo asked, genuinely curious.</p><p>“He just will,” David said, “my hair, the way I stand, I’m not as strong as the other boys, he’ll see.”</p><p>“I didn’t see,” Matteo said, confused.</p><p>“Yeah but you’re... I dunno grown-ups are different,” David explained.</p><p>That wasn’t true either though, it was Matteo who was special, he was good. Matteo saw things differently, accepted things at face value, David told him he was a boy, that was all he needed to know.</p><p>“Are the other kids fine then? I thought you said they were mean,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No they’re horrible too, at my primary school they treated me horribly, but it’s because they knew. If they didn’t know then maybe it would've been ok,” David explained. “But so many of them are coming with me to secondary school, I’m scared,” he admitted.</p><p>He wished he could go somewhere new, where nobody knew him.</p><p>“Oh then you should come to my school, me and Jonas, that’s my other best friend, we’d hang out with you all the time. Don’t worry I like you just as much, you’re awesome,” Matteo promised.</p><p>David felt a pang of jealousy then but it passed quickly enough.</p><p>“You could be best friends with both of us and no one would give you any shit,” Matteo said solemnly.</p><p>David grinned, that was the first time he’d heard him curse, but Matteo was impassioned now, insistent. David knew it couldn’t happen but he appreciated it.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, so Jonas is really cool right? Kinda like you and even though I’m not and I talk a bit funny and too much sometimes, even though I fall over all the time, or get stressed and need things extra dark and quiet sometimes he’s still my best friend. And if anyone teases me he tells them off and they listen, so if I tell him you’re my best friend now too he’ll do the same for you,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“I wish I could,” David said wistfully. </p><p>He’d asked his parents several times and they’d said no, his mum saying he was lucky to get in where he did and that they didn’t want him going somewhere where he would get a substandard education, just for this phase he was going through. It was a good school but he’d had a meeting with the headteacher and she’d said he would have to keep using the disabled bathroom. That they weren’t able to change his name on any documents. That the teachers would <em>try </em>to remember to use his <em>other</em> name. She’d made it very clear he should try and make it easier for himself and just conform. He knew some of these rules were beyond her control but the fact they would barely try was like a slap in the face.</p><p>“Can’t you?”</p><p>“Where are you going?”</p><p>“Barnim,” Matteo said.</p><p>David whistled, that was even further away than the community centre. He told Matteo as much.</p><p>“No it isn't,” Matteo said, confused.</p><p>“Matteo I don’t live here, I live literally on the other side of the city, it takes me three buses to get here,” David explained.</p><p>“Oh,” Matteo said, looking crushed at this news. “Why?”</p><p>“No one knows me here, no one knew and look it worked, I got to make friends with you on my terms,” David said.</p><p>“I’m glad you got to do that. It means our friendship will be super strong forever because we started it right,” Matteo decided.</p><p>“With me pushing you over?”</p><p>“Funny.” Matteo rolled his eyes. “David I’m scared for you. I’m already scared of secondary school for myself and I have Jonas. It’s like… when I was younger they wanted me to do the fast track, you know? Start early? But Jonas couldn’t and I was too scared to go on my own. And papa got so mad. Mama let me stay with Jonas, thank god,” Matteo said.</p><p>Damn, he was really smart, David could already tell in the way he talked, in how thoughtful he was. David had known him three weeks and he’d already told him his whole truth because he could just tell Matteo would get it. He would take the time to understand, listen to what David was saying. Because Matteo was a little different too, was different from other kids, even just in his reaction right now. </p><p>“You’re really smart Matteo, you’ll be fine. And… I will be fine because I’ll have you?”</p><p>“Always,” Matteo promised.</p><p>“We can still be friends after the holidays end?” David checked, so hopefully. He never wanted to stop being friends with Matteo, he’d known him for three weeks but he wanted him forever.</p><p>“We can, I really mean it, David, we’re best friends,” Matteo said, his voice sincere.</p><p>David knew he meant it, that he really felt that way. He felt the same.</p><p>“And we can hang out?”</p><p>“All the time, we’ll have to make up for not being together at school, you can come to mine after school, or I can come to yours. We can message each other, call each other, do you have a phone?”</p><p>David nodded and handed it over, Matteo programmed his number in. “Prepare yourself for epic memes David,” he said.</p><p>David took back his phone and grinned. Usually, the only people he texted was Laura, or his mum sometimes. He was going to text Matteo all the time. But for now, he wanted to spend as much time as possible together before the holidays were over. </p><p>“Can I come to your house before school starts? Are you allowed friends over? I don’t have anything to do. Or we could go to a park or something,” David suggested.</p><p>Matteo beamed at him.</p><p>“Oh yes please David! I miss you so much when we’re not here hanging out. I can show you my room, all my books. It’ll be so much fun, I’m not allowed out by myself yet but I have loads of video games and stuff, I promise we can have fun,” Matteo rambled, practically bouncing with excitement.</p><p>David felt overjoyed, he had a real friend. A true friend. He would happily spend all his time with Matteo. It was surprising really, he’d only known him a few weeks but he trusted him. Had trusted him since that second time they’d met. David knew he was genuine in his promises. Knew he wasn’t going anywhere and meant it when he said they would hang out. Suddenly even school didn’t seem so scary knowing he would have Matteo outside of it. David could see it now, if Matteo allowed it they would be inseparable.</p><p>“Ok so by the way Marco? The trainer guy? He’s my cousin, and Tommy is my uncle. They’re not mean. I don’t know if Marco will know about you like you think but he’s not mean or anything,” Matteo told him. “He’s really kind I promise.”</p><p>“Oh,” David said.</p><p>That made him feel a little better.</p><p>“He’s not like my dad I promise, he doesn’t even like him,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Is your dad his uncle?”</p><p>“Yeah, they’re Italian, papa’s in Italy right now. I don’t even know what he’s doing, work or… I don’t know,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Your mum’s German?” David asked him.</p><p>“Yeah, papa moved here to be with her and have a family but I don’t think he likes it here with her anymore. He goes back a lot. I don’t know because Uncle Tommy is here too, he moved first. So I just think maybe he doesn’t like me or my mama very much. He shouts at us a lot. He’s a bit scary,” Matteo said.</p><p>David didn’t like that, he hated his parents sometimes and they were so wrong about all of this but he wasn’t ever afraid of them. That wasn’t right. They argued sometimes, even fought but this sounded different, they never scared him.</p><p>“Oh,” he murmured.</p><p>“Sorry,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>Just the fact that he got so quiet again when talking about his dad worried David, he shouldn’t be nervous to talk about him.</p><p>“No it’s ok, you can tell me this stuff,” David said.</p><p>Matteo smiled gratefully and stood up again. “Thank you,” he said, reaching out. David ignored the hand he offered, knowing he couldn’t pull him up. He did throw his arm around him though.</p><p>“Let’s go box then,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok let’s go,” David agreed.</p><p>“If Marco is mean, I’ll yell at him,” Matteo promised.</p><p>“No, if he is I want to run away,” David said.</p><p>If shit went down he wanted out of there, he wasn’t sticking around. He knew exactly how it felt to be surrounded by people who thought he was a freak, he wasn’t doing that again.</p><p>“Ok, I’ll come with you, but it will be ok,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Thank you,” David said.</p><p>They stepped into the room. As usual, all the boys were already paired up. David normally just went straight to the bag but they were almost twenty minutes late. He didn’t know if Marco would want him on the bag or if he would want to talk to him. He glanced over at Tommy who waved and smiled, then pointed over at his son. </p><p>Marco was walking around the room, commenting on the boys’ technique, already interacting far more than Tommy did. He was tall, strong, intimidating almost. But then he also had the same floppy dark blond hair as Matteo, pushed out of his face with a lilac bandana. He looked stern, more in a quiet way than an angry way. David thought he might just be kind. Marco noticed the two of them and walked over.</p><p>“Hey Marco, this is David,” Matteo said cheerily.</p><p>Marco looked him up and down, frowning, scrutinising him. David tensed immediately and got ready to flee. He hated being looked at like that, like they were trying to figure something out. He was always so afraid that they’d see something in his face, in the way he stood, the way he held himself that would give him away. Marco was a boxer, a tough guy, how the hell did he ever think he was going to get away with it?</p><p>Marco was not looking at him kindly. “You the boy that pushed him?” he asked.</p><p>David realised then that Marco’s attitude was about something else entirely. He wondered what Tommy had told him. David hadn’t even realised he’d been watching them properly but if he had there were three separate occasions where Matteo had ended up on his ass around David. He wondered if he was going to get kicked out for that. It was hardly fair, he’d only pushed Matteo the first time.</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” Matteo muttered, blushing a little and shuffling where he stood.</p><p>“Er… it was-”</p><p>“It’s fine Marco, it was just an accident,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Your mama said he pushed you, that she didn’t want you hanging around here anymore,” Marco said.</p><p>“We’re friends Marco, we were mucking around, mama worries too much,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>Marco continued to stare at him and David realised how he saw him. He was bigger than Matteo, stronger than him. David hated to say it but Matteo looked delicate, he wasn’t at all David knew that, but of course it looked like he was the bully. </p><p>David got it. He too wanted to protect Matteo from the pushers and shovers. Yes, Marco saw him as a boy but he still didn’t see him correctly, saw him as a mean boy, a thug like Matteo’s mum said. He didn’t like that much. </p><p>But David had been right in his assessment, Marco was kind, cared for his cousin a lot. He would just have to prove to Marco that he was going to be a good friend to Matteo.</p><p>“You push him again you’re out,” Marco said finally.</p><p>“Oh my god shut up Marco! No he’s not, David can push me it’s fine,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I won’t,” David said.</p><p>Suddenly Matteo flung himself at David, trying to push him over. On instinct alone David grabbed him and tackled him to the ground, he couldn’t help himself. They ended up sprawled on the floor wrestling each other. Matteo screeching and giggling underneath him. </p><p>“Ok boys I get it,” Marco said, clapping his hands and pulling them both up.</p><p>“Ok?” Matteo said breathlessly.</p><p>“Ok David let’s get you paired up,” Marco suggested, scanning the room for a suitable candidate.</p><p>“Marco David is…”</p><p>David gasped, worried Matteo was going to tell on him, he hadn't told him not to. Not explicitly at least. He might think he was helping. He knew he was panicking, overreacting, Matteo probably wouldn’t tell but he had to make sure. David shook his head furiously but Matteo just frowned at him then turned back to Marco.</p><p>“David is not as strong as some as the other boys because he’s new and younger. But he used to play football so he’s fast and stuff, and I think you’ll see pretty quickly that he’s actually the best one here,” Matteo said. “I know because I’ve been watching him, did Uncle Tommy tell you how good he was? He’s only been punching the bag so far but you have to let him fight the other boys. I bet he could knock all of them out.” </p><p>David stared at him, blushing slightly.</p><p>“Noted,” Marco said, amused, “let’s test you out,” he said, donning his gloves.</p><p>“It’s a secret,” Matteo said, quiet enough that only David heard, his voice serious. He may not fully understand David but he got the weight of the situation, got how upset David was by the idea of people knowing. “I’ll never tell,” he promised.</p><p>David grinned at him and thumped his shoulder. Then Marco gestured for him to put on his gloves. David stared at him. Did he expect him to fight him? The guy was twice his size, an adult. He put on the gloves and stood there nervously. Marco tapped his gloves to David.</p><p>“Show me what you’ve got kiddo,” he said. </p><p>David swung at him and hit the gloves he held up. He swung again and again. Marco moved about and David followed him, keeping up.</p><p>“Good good, keep going, how old are you?”</p><p>“Twelve,” David said, focusing on the gloves.</p><p>“Hm.” Marco hit out at him and David deflected. </p><p>Marco looked at him again, that same scrutinising look as before. Again David didn’t feel like he was going to get away with it but Marco just punched him on the shoulder. “Don’t push Matteo about, you’re bigger than him and you’re a lot stronger than you think,” he warned. </p><p>Then he whistled and waved an older boy over. </p><p>“This is Simon, Simon this is David,” Marco said.</p><p>Simon looked about fourteen, was quite a bit taller than David. But he was lanky too. Looked like he would be clumsy but David knew he wasn’t, had seen him sparring and knew he was good. </p><p>“Hi David,” he said warmly. “Hi Matteo,” he added with a grin and a wave.</p><p>Matteo grinned back, he’d been hanging out here long before David, he knew all the boys. Yet David was the one he wanted to hang out with and it wasn’t just because they were the same age.</p><p>“Hi Simon,” he said quietly.</p><p>“Simon, can you pair up with David? Teach him some footwork?” Marco said, waiting for Simon to nod then leaving them to it.</p><p>Simon showed David where to put his feet and then waved him forward.</p><p>“We’ve missed Matteo these past couple of weeks, he’s been hanging out with you?” Simon asked David.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess,” David said, focussing on his feet, bracing himself for a fight. He was nervous and excited.</p><p>“Cool, it’s nice he has someone his own age,” Simon teased.</p><p>David huffed and punched out at Simon who did a weird sort of dance thing and moved out of his way. </p><p>David frowned. </p><p>“Now you try,” Simon said, “stay on your toes, don’t get hit,” he said, punching at him. </p><p>On the third hit, David actually managed to duck away.</p><p>“Perfect and again,” Simon said.</p><p>David did it, again and again.</p><p>“David is really quick and he’s strong too,” Matteo piped up when they’d been sparring for about ten minutes. Simon only got half the hits in now. Matteo was right, he was quick, football had given him that.</p><p>“I’m sure he is,” Simon said patiently. </p><p>It was nice, even though the two of them were younger, Simon didn’t see them as annoying. All of these boys loved Matteo, he realised. And he got why and he knew just how lucky he was that Matteo chose him, that Matteo wanted to be friends.</p><p>Matteo already had his own friends, away on holiday right now but when school started he wouldn’t need David for company anymore. But he wanted him, wanted to spend his time with David and David couldn’t wait. He didn’t know what it was to have a best friend but he was excited. </p><p>And then there were these guys, yes they were older, would never be best friends but they could be friends. Suddenly the prospect of his teenage years, of secondary school, didn’t seem so bleak, didn’t seem like they would be so lonely. It was going to be hard, so hard but David reckoned with Matteo by his side he might just get through unscathed.</p><p>He wondered why he’d been so scared, these kids weren’t intimidating, they couldn’t be or Matteo’s mother would really forbid him from coming down here. They were fine, a little misunderstood just like him. </p><p>He stood there with Simon while he patiently worked with him on his footwork. He never got that kind of patience in football, it had been yelling. David had yelled just as much to fit in. Boxing had a different pace, yet surprisingly it wasn’t as violent as he thought it could be. He missed football but he liked it here too.</p><p>Maybe this was where he fit in.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's it, they're best friends forever, totally inseparable. Matteo loves David exactly as he is. It's the understanding and the soft coming out David deserves. The rest of the summer is going to be just fun and happy times between the two of them.</p><p>So next update will be Wednesday and it's time for a haircut and a different perspective on parenting.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This was turning out to be the best summer of David's life. He'd never had anything like this, a friend whose house he could go round to whenever he wanted. Just someone he could hang out with and have fun. And now he was going to get something else he'd wanted for a while, a haircut, he was going to look exactly as he should.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David absolutely loved it round Matteo’s house, he would spend all his time there if possible. He had been over every day since he’d confessed his secrets. His dad even dropped him off in the morning on his way to work, despite the fact it was out of his way. He picked him up in the early evenings too. It was in part because he didn’t like David catching the bus, but he also seemed happy that David had a friend. Then of course there was the fact that it was a way of keeping him out of the house so he came back to a calm wife, as David hadn’t been around to wind her up. That was probably the main reason. Whatever the truth was he didn’t really care as long as he got to spend the maximum amount of time with Matteo.</p><p>It did mean that David was showing up at Matteo’s house around seven in the morning. Sophie always let him in with a smile. She really did like him now, was clearly someone who could move on from first impressions. Matteo’s reception was not quite so positive. He would grumble, whine, and complain when David showed up. Tell him to go away, leave him to sleep. The past few days David had just climbed into his bed and gone back to sleep. He was just as tired as Matteo sometimes, seven was too early to be awake.</p><p>He hadn’t ever done anything like this, he wasn’t generally allowed to sleep over, most of his former friends being boys and his mum being a bit funny about it. But he wouldn’t have felt that comfortable with them anyway. Around Matteo, he always felt comfortable, probably because of the easy way he’d accepted him. David hadn’t even hesitated that first time, just climbed into the bed and covered Matteo’s mouth to stop his stupid whining. Matteo had fallen back asleep in seconds, David moments later. </p><p>He found himself thinking about all the things he was going to miss out on, the experiences that most boys got to have. Thought about the fact that now he had Matteo there would be a few things he would get and he was grateful for that. He had a friend, someone who saw him correctly without question and that meant the world. He knew the next few years would be tough, but for the first time, he thought they just might be fun too.</p><p>He thought about what Matteo had said the other day about school. He desperately wished he could start at Matteo’s school and put his correct name on the record from the start. At his own school, half the kids would know him wrong and his new headteacher’s refusal to let him be himself wasn’t going to help that. But then it didn’t matter anyway as he was already changing beyond his control and soon even Laura and Matteo would struggle to see him the way he wanted to be seen.</p><p>They would try though, he would do everything he could and they would try their hardest to see him correctly because to them his comfort was the most important thing.</p><p>He was laying on Matteo’s bed watching him bounce around his room while he doodled in his sketchbook. It was weird, some days Matteo was so exhausted or overwhelmed that David could barely coax him out of bed, just had to sit with him quietly in the darkened room. He was suffering in those times, David could tell and he hated that he couldn’t take away the pain his brain was causing him. But he never left him alone. In those moments Matteo was at his most vulnerable and just the fact he let David in was amazing. It was a little scary but he would never walk away from him. Matteo needed David as much as David needed him. </p><p>Then other times Matteo was bouncing, would not sit still, would wander his room, the house, the garden, nothing able to settle him. Matteo’s mum didn’t like him going out without her, she was very overprotective, so it meant on those days he felt very cooped up. David tried his best to help him burn off that energy that ran through him. He knew how it felt to be restless.</p><p>Right now Matteo had pulled all the books from his bookshelves and was sorting them. He was sitting there surrounded by books and frowning. There seemed to be a pattern to the sorting although David couldn’t see it. He was just waiting in case Matteo needed help to put them back, having already taken them off the top shelves for him. While he waited he sketched a cartoon Matteo, hanging upside down from the shelves like a monkey.</p><p>“How do you get away with having such long hair?” David asked eventually, looking over at Matteo. He was trying to get the hair right but it was tricky, his little cartoon Matteo kept looking like a girl.</p><p>Matteo was wearing a bandana today, like Marco’s but dark blue. It did the job of keeping his fringe from his face. Some days he liked to hide, some days the need to see properly won out.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Your hair is kinda girly,” David said, he didn’t want to be mean but he didn’t know how else to explain it.</p><p>It was long but not cut into any particular style, still, it wasn’t a typical boys’ style. His fringe came down over his eyebrows and the rest hung past his jaw, almost to his shoulders. It curled at the ends and was a little tangled. It was kind of pretty if David was honest.</p><p>“Yeah I guess, but I like it like this. See papa doesn’t like it so I like it more,” he said quietly, eyes lit up with mischief, like he was rebelling against the man somehow.</p><p>David wasn’t surprised that Matteo’s father had a problem with his hair, he seemed to have a lot of problems with Matteo. They had that in common, except where his parents were ignorant and stubborn, Matteo’s father sounded downright cruel sometimes. </p><p>David didn’t want to meet him. He didn’t want Matteo to meet his parents either. They’d tell him his birth name, try to convince him of things that just weren’t true.</p><p>“For school mama tidies it up but she lets me have it how I like in the summer,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“Do you cut the fringe properly then?” David teased.</p><p>“No… a little just so I can see better because it gets messy if it gets much longer, it curls up,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>“My mum won’t let me cut my hair,” David told him. “She keeps trying to make it look like a girl’s.”</p><p>Now that he was so aware of it, especially after the debacle at the salon the other week, it was getting harder and harder to ignore. He desperately wanted a shorter style, even something like Matteo’s length would do, that messy wild boyish look he had, really worked for him. But really David wanted it done properly. </p><p>His mum had told him he was going to have to get it styled again before he started school, even after how badly that went the first time around. When she’d told him he’d gotten panicky and Laura had shouted at her and helped him calm down. But she wasn’t backing down.</p><p>“Is it long? Is it big?” Matteo asked, putting down his books and coming over to him.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“Can I see?” he asked eagerly, so sweetly.</p><p>“Ok.” </p><p>For some reason, he didn’t mind Matteo seeing his long hair, probably because his own was so ridiculous he had no room to tease. So he reached up and untied the knot, letting the curls fall around his face. They didn’t hang properly because it was a bit on the tangled side, big and wild again. Since Laura had taken out the braids he’d refused to do anything but scrape it back. If he was honest it was just as wild before the braids. He did get why his mum wanted him to get it styled and tidied up. But he just wanted it gone.</p><p>Matteo practically bounced with excitement. “Oh wow it’s so curly,” he said, he reached out to grab it but waited for David to nod before touching.</p><p>When he did Matteo shoved his hands in and started messing it up. Laughing as it got bigger and bigger. Matteo liked to touch, feel things, he was always running his hands over different surfaces, picking things up to inspect them, feeling the weight of them in his hands.</p><p>“It’s so nice though, it’s really big,” Matteo said.</p><p>David jumped a little when Matteo tried to bury his face in it. He smiled at his silly friend.</p><p>“I hate it, I want it short,” David insisted, he didn’t hate the hair but having it shorter would help, make it easier to be seen in the right way.</p><p>“I could cut it for you,” Matteo offered.</p><p>David laughed now.</p><p>“No you can’t,” he said.</p><p>“Can too, how short?”</p><p>Matteo jumped up and grabbed some scissors from his desk.</p><p>David slid down to the floor and Matteo climbed behind him on the bed. David couldn’t believe he was going to let Matteo at him with scissors. But he wanted it gone, he was tired of waiting. His mum wasn’t changing her mind anytime soon. If he cut it off what could she do? It would certainly stop her styling it again. </p><p>So many times he’d seen the scissors in his own room and been so tempted to have a go at it. He’d been scared if he went against her she would stop him making other steps to transition but she was already doing that. There was no point trying to win her over, cutting his hair would make him feel good, it was what he wanted.</p><p>“Make it like Simon’s,” he suggested.</p><p>Simon had his hair close-cropped, and it was buzzed at the back and sides. Matteo wouldn’t manage that with his scissors, plus David’s was curlier so would be bigger on top. But he could imagine how good it would look, he knew Matteo was going to make a mess of it but he didn’t care, Matteo wanted to help and David wanted to let him.</p><p>“Ok ok,” Matteo said determinedly. </p><p>He reached out and placed his hands on David’s shoulders, then ran his hands through his hair, causing David to shiver. He pulled on it and twisted it in his hands. He was playing with it. It felt really nice, he’d never let anyone do this. He’d seen Laura do it with her friends and he thought he might understand why. It made him feel all ticklish but in a good way. Still, after a few minutes of this David huffed.</p><p>“Are you going to cut it today or?”</p><p>“I’m tidying it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Are you?”</p><p>“No I was just feeling it, it’s really nice but ok I’ll start,” Matteo said, grabbing a fistful of hair and going at it with the scissors. </p><p>Fifteen minutes later all Matteo had done was make a mess, there was hair everywhere and the hair remaining on David’s head was just getting bigger.</p><p>Matteo was getting stressed about it and had been muttering to himself the past five minutes, seemingly upset about how it was going. David just grinned as he watched his hair falling around him.</p><p>“David it’s just getting longer,” Matteo whined. </p><p>David wondered what it looked like, probably worse than when it was long, Matteo was clearly struggling. But he continued to smile, his mum would have to get it cut now, if whatever Matteo did left it unsalvageable she would have to let him. She’d be pissed but she’d have no choice.</p><p>“Matteo, what are you even doing?” David said, laughing.</p><p>“I’m cutting it but there’s so much,” Matteo complained.</p><p>David felt a little bad for him, he was clearly trying his best, genuinely wanted to help. Matteo was worried he was making it worse but David honestly didn’t mind how it turned out. </p><p>There was a knock at the door and Matteo jumped out of his skin. Before he could even answer his mum came into the room and stopped dead at the sight of them. Matteo threw the scissors aside but it was too late for that.</p><p>“What on earth? Matteo! What-”</p><p>“Mama no! Don’t be cross! I’m just helping! David needed a haircut! I’m helping!” he insisted.</p><p>“Oh dear sweetheart, you’ve made a bit of a mess,” she said gently. She wasn’t angry, she just smiled fondly at Matteo. </p><p>David loved Matteo’s mum, she was so kind and gentle. She made him miss his own mum. They were nothing alike. Sophie seemed quite posh and proper about things, it was a little intimidating but somehow she was still so down to earth. She fussed over Matteo constantly, almost too much for how old he was. The reason Matteo came across so young was because he was very much babied by his mum, but he didn’t seem to mind it. And so what? It wasn’t harming him, just made him sweet and gentle and there was nothing wrong with that.</p><p>David’s mum was very different. She had been fun and cool, always encouraged him to be wild, sarcastic, independent. It’s why he was so shocked she’d reacted this way to him. It was a complete one-eighty on how their relationship used to be and that was such a blow.</p><p>He’d known she would struggle but deep down he’d always hoped she would just get him.</p><p>He never wanted to be fussed over like Sophie did with Matteo but he did want to be loved.</p><p>“You’re not cut out for hairdressing sweetheart,” she said, frowning at the state of David’s hair.</p><p>“He wants it short but it won’t go shorter,” Matteo said, flinging himself back on the bed. He was so dramatic sometimes.</p><p>“Well you’ve made a good start,” she appeased. “David your hair isn’t thin like Matteo’s, it’s much curlier hence why it’s getting bigger without any weight to hold it down. How do you want it?” she asked.</p><p>David didn’t even dare hope, was she really offering what he thought she was? “Short, just properly short, shorter than Matteo’s, more like a boy’s,” he said.</p><p>She nodded and gestured for him to follow her. She was really going to cut his hair, she was going to tidy it up and do it in the style he wanted. He couldn’t believe it, he started to shake slightly.</p><p>“Alright David sweetheart, come into the bathroom,” she said. </p><p>She sat him down on the edge of the bathtub and inspected the mess. David caught a glimpse of it in the mirror. It did not look good. His head looked like a big triangle. He grinned at Matteo who glared.</p><p>“You probably can’t tell right now but I do Matteo’s hair when he lets me, he’s not a fan of the barbers. I can try and give you a basic cut, certainly tidy this up,” she said. </p><p>David nodded, hardly daring to believe it. He was getting a haircut. It probably wasn’t going to be amazing after the mess Matteo had made but it would look good. He would look right.</p><p>“Ok sweetheart turn around, feet in the bath. You can clean this all up when David’s gone home Matteo,” she said to him.</p><p>Matteo just grinned and climbed into the tub to pull faces at him while his mum sorted out the mess he’d made. David couldn’t make faces back, he was too shaky but he appreciated what Matteo was doing, trying to distract him as the rest of his hair fell away. It was different than when Matteo was cutting it, that had almost felt like playing, this was far more real.</p><p>Sophie made quick work of it, probably well practised from having to do Matteo’s while he was wriggling and trying to escape. She chatted away as she did so, he felt like he was at a proper hairdresser’s. She trimmed it with her sharper scissors, taking away the length, then buzzed the sides efficiently and tidied up the top.</p><p>Fifteen minutes later he felt a lot lighter.</p><p>“Ok darling it’s not brilliant, I’ve never worked with curly hair like this. When we were still students I would do his papa’s hair but it was thinner, like his. I’d suggest you get it tidied up properly at a barber if you want it to look smart but I must say it looks nice a little wilder like this. You’re young, you can pull it off. And it looks much tidier now than before, it was so long! Not that there was anything wrong with it being long but I imagine it was a hassle to keep tidy, I know what you boys are like. You’re clearly as reluctant as Matteo to run a comb through it once in a while. Anyway, come see,” she said, running her hand through it one final time.</p><p>Then she led David to the mirror and he just stood there staring at his reflection. He couldn’t help it, he started to cry. He looked just how he imagined he should look for the first time. No amount of twisting and tying back his hair could achieve this. This was right and he was overwhelmed. Now he looked just like Simon or one of the other boys at boxing, for a few more months, he would get to look just like them.</p><p>“David what’s wrong?” she asked him worriedly.</p><p>Matteo just came up behind him and hugged him. Wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing his forehead against his shoulders. If he were taller he could’ve hooked his chin over David’s shoulder to pull faces at him in the mirror. But this was just as good.</p><p>“David’s mum doesn’t let him cut his hair,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“What? Matteo what? Is this… Are you going to get in trouble? Is this… it’s not a belief you have or something? Matteo!”</p><p>He knew what she thought then, that she was worried about going against some strict belief of his parents but that wasn’t it at all. This was just his mum being crueller than she even realised.</p><p>“No it’s not… she thinks I’m a girl,” David whispered.</p><p>“I… don’t understand,” she said.</p><p>“David is a boy. He wants short hair and it’s his hair so what does it matter?” Matteo demanded as Sophie led them downstairs to the kitchen. </p><p>Despite being an emotional wreck right now it was very much dinner time and he was starving. </p><p>“You let me have my hair long if I want it,” Matteo continued, sitting down at the table.</p><p>David just sat down next to him, as close as he could get, he was feeling vulnerable and Matteo’s happy attitude was the only thing that could comfort him right now.</p><p>“That’s true, the only reason I cut it at all is because you refuse to comb it,” she said.</p><p>“Because it hurts,” Matteo whined.</p><p>“If you combed it more frequently it probably wouldn’t hurt,” David pointed out, finally relaxing a little.</p><p>“Go away David! I just did your hair beautifully for you!” Matteo said shoving at him until his mum tutted.</p><p>She placed two plates of spaghetti in front of them, instantly stealing Matteo’s attention from him. He did like his food, did Matteo. David watched him shovelling the pasta into his mouth then turned to his own plate to eat like a normal person.</p><p>“Your mum made me look like me,” he said quietly.</p><p>She sat down with them and stared at David for a moment.</p><p>“I must say I still don’t understand what you mean. Why does your mother think you're a girl?” She frowned at him then glanced at Matteo. “Is she ill?” she whispered.</p><p>Matteo’s mum got ill sometimes, she saw things that weren’t real. It scared Matteo a lot. The way she stopped seeing him sometimes, it terrified him. He’d told David all this the other day. </p><p>Matteo told him everything, had no secrets, he shared all sorts, his fears, his worries. He was open in a way David could never be. But he had shared some stuff, more than usual, even Laura didn’t know half the stuff he’d told Matteo. He told Matteo how scared he was of the future, how scared he was of all the changes that were coming. How much his parents were hurting him. How they hurt him so much he sometimes doubted himself and how that was the scariest thing, that they would convince him that none of this was true. Matteo had called bullshit, that David knew they were wrong, that he was right not them. That he would never let them trick him and that one day he would be allowed to live as he deserved.</p><p>Matteo was very smart, very good at talking through fears and worries, had probably been doing it with himself for years already. That was sad, they were too young for these sorts of things really. Matteo had very similar worries to him, for different reasons but it was so nice to have someone who got it, believed his pain and could volunteer his own, help him to open up.</p><p>David’s mum wasn’t ill, just cruel, or not even that. She was stubborn and ignorant.</p><p>“No, she… I used to be… I’m a boy, but not like Matteo, I was born differently to him,” David said quietly.</p><p>“It’s a real thing mama,” Matteo said, pausing to stare at her, to make sure she understood.</p><p>David had never seen Matteo look so serious, had never once seen him challenge his mum. He was naughty but he was never argumentative with her. There wasn’t really any need, his mum spoiled him. Right now he was ready to tell his mum what was what. David didn’t know if she would listen. He wasn’t really worried, he didn't really trust adults anyway so she would just be another one to add to the list. Matteo’s opinion was the one that mattered.</p><p>“I know sweetheart, I do watch television. That’s a very big thing David, I can’t pretend to even understand what you’re going through. I don’t know all that much about these sorts of things. From what I understand it’s a long process. I don’t know what your mother is thinking. Perhaps she doesn’t believe you now but maybe she will in time. It’s tricky though you’re young and at your age, you all have these whims-”</p><p>“This is not a whim,” he insisted firmly. That was what his mum said about him changing his name.</p><p>“I’m sure it feels that way but you are only twelve sweetheart, you see making decisions like this will affect you your whole life-”</p><p>“It already affects me my whole life! I know this! I’ve felt wrong since I was five years old! I know who I am! I’m David! Not who she thinks I am. I’m not her daughter! I’m not a girl! Not making these decisions now, not getting help? That will affect me my whole life. I’m having to grow up dreading the future because right now it looks so bleak! If I can’t bear to live it then that’s my whole life affected! I am in pain and they can’t even see it,” he said, breaking off to stifle his tears.</p><p>“Ok David,” she whispered.</p><p>Instead of getting angry and arguing back like his own mother would, instead of dismissing him like she had just a moment ago she stood up and pulled him into her arms, holding him tight. </p><p>“Don’t think like that,” she said softly. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I was wrong, I shouldn’t have assumed you didn't know the permanence of your decisions. I’m sorry David,” she said sincerely.</p><p>No adult had ever apologised to him like that before, that was the most he’d ever been listened to after Laura or Matteo. He felt heard for the first time in a long time and he appreciated that so much. Even though she didn’t understand him at all, she knew how wrong it was to dismiss him. He pressed himself against her to hide his tears. She didn’t agree with this but was willing to admit it was something she didn’t understand, something he knew more about than her.</p><p>“In some ways, you’re not as young as Matteo I think, he’s very young for his age. That’s my fault. But even so, I have to trust him and you to make your own decisions. It is not mine or your mother’s place to dictate how you look or present yourself, since you were maybe six or seven and started to become fully aware of yourselves as people, that became inappropriate. I can encourage Matteo to dress a certain way but I can’t force him,” she said.</p><p>“Mama lets me wear whatever I want,” Matteo agreed. </p><p>“I’ll tell him if he looks silly but as long as he’s warm in winter and cool enough in summer I can’t complain,” Sophie said.</p><p>David pulled away from her and went back to sit by Matteo. “But he wears jumpers in the summer though,” David observed.</p><p>“Ah but he wears three or four in the winter, I have to pick my battles,” she said fondly, ruffling Matteo’s hair. “But look, how you dress, how you look, that should only be up to you. That being said with medical changes it’s a little more complex. Hormones and surgery are very serious undertakings.”</p><p>“Mama is a nurse,” Matteo informed him.</p><p>“I was a nurse, long before this one came along. Until you are sixteen you cannot consent to medical interventions without a parent and even then you may have to wait until eighteen, if they don’t see you as capable of decision making. With the support of a parent, these things go smoother. But if it’s what you truly want you will get the medical help you need. I’m sorry you have to wait but you will get there I promise.”</p><p>David knew he would, knew he could make it. He was strong and he was stubborn, he was going to get to where he needed to be. He could wait it out. It would be incredibly hard but he would make it.</p><p>“Yeah and I know that but even… she calls me by a different name and I hate it so much it hurts me,” he said. </p><p>If they would just support him, just be there for him it would help so much. He had to jump through so many hoops already and all he wanted was his family by his side while he did so.</p><p>“I’m very sorry David, I’m sure in her own way she thinks she’s helping you, I hope she realises she’s not and soon,” Sophie said. “I’m sure she loves you, and I’m sure she will come around.”</p><p>She patted his hand. He felt a little better after talking to her. Not brilliant but he was happy, happy with his hair, happy he was still allowed to be friends with Matteo. That wasn’t the easiest coming out he’d had so far but it wasn’t even close to the worst, and this was the first time he’d gotten any kind of respect from an adult. Sophie was confused, but she was the kind of person that understood that she didn’t know everything, what’s more, she understood that sometimes children knew better than adults. She knew that the only person in the room who truly got what he was going through was him, no one else could explain it to her.</p><p>So telling her had gone better than he expected. Matteo said sometimes she got very fixated with god and her religion. David knew that was so often an argument used against transitioning, that it went against god. He was pretty sure his father who barely bothered to step foot in a church outside of Christmas had that exact view. So David had been pleasantly surprised that she’d just listened to him. Even though she seemed to disagree she understood it wasn’t her place to speak for him. And she confirmed his mum was also wrong which felt good because Sophie was a good mother, he saw it in the way she was with Matteo, the way she was with him. She was a good mother and she accepted him. Perhaps he should give his own mother that memo.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wednesday updates are back!!</p><p>Next time we jump back in pretty much where we left off, the fall out from the haircut. But David's parents are finally going to learn a few home truths, they're going to be told off as they deserve and finally, just maybe they'll start to see where' they've gone wrong.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things are about to kick off. His dad isn't happy, his mum is downright furious, and Laura is delighted at the drama of it all. But she's there holding his hand as always. And for the first time, someone is going to put his parents in their place, make them realise that just because he's a child doesn't mean they don't have to listen to him. So as scared as he is, he is excited too.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Again a warning for David's parents, there is hostility and misgendering but it's a lot lighter than the chapter with David's haircut. Even though not everything is magically ok for David, there won't be another chapter as intensely heavy as that. David is safe, things are going his way, he has Laura, he has Matteo, he even has Sophie, it hurts as always but he knows he's strong enough not to let it break him. And finally, his parents are coming to a slow and reluctant understanding.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When his dad picked him up later that night he frowned at David’s new hair. He didn’t comment, he clearly wanted to but he didn’t. He looked nervous though, like he was bracing himself for the fallout. When they got to the house he told David to go straight upstairs to his room, that his mother was going to be upset with him. David wasn’t sure what that was going to do, he couldn't hide forever. Maybe his dad hoped they could have their next argument while he was at work. He didn’t seem upset with him though, he kept staring at David, a confused expression on his face, like he wasn’t really sure who he was looking at. It was like he was seeing David for the first time. This was exactly what David wanted, to be seen correctly. He may be confused but that’s because he couldn’t deny it any longer.</p><p>So David ran up to his room, as usual, to hide from his mum but this time he had no such luck. She spotted him the moment he stepped into the house and chased after him screaming about what he’d done. He didn’t even get the door closed before she was barging in there after him.</p><p>“Your hair, your beautiful hair! What have you done? Who did this?” she screeched, reaching for him.</p><p>He pushed her away, she wasn’t touching it, he wouldn’t let her. She didn’t get to ruin this. How did she not get this yet? How did she see the way he’d been last week after the salon and still put him through this?</p><p>“No one,” he said, he didn’t want to drop Matteo and his mum in on it. </p><p>“Who did this to you? Tell me right now and I’m going to sue whatever salon had the audacity to cut your hair! I am your mother, I have to give permission. You’re my daughter, I get a say in this,” she said.</p><p>But she didn’t, even if he was her daughter she didn’t get to decide this for him. He was twelve, not two, he was old enough to make his own choices. It was like Sophie had said earlier, it was inappropriate for her to keep trying to control him like this. And she knew that too, she was only so over the top in the hope she could get him to change back into her daughter. She would have never dreamt of controlling him like this otherwise.</p><p>He pushed past her, he wasn’t going to stay here and listen to this. He was done. It wasn’t fair. He’d been so happy with his new look and now she was trying to ruin it. How could he stay there and listen to her talk to him like that? </p><p>Maybe Matteo would let him in, he could sneak back in and stay for a while. There was a big tree in his garden, he could climb up and in through his window. Sophie wouldn’t send him back if he was upset, would she?</p><p>“I’m not your daughter!” he said, marching down the stairs.</p><p>“Well you are a child, who did this to you?” she demanded, following him.</p><p>“My friend Matteo cut it,” he spat, “and then his mum tidied it up for me.”</p><p>“Your friend… who is this Matteo? And his mother knows what you are?”</p><p>Oh, that was enough, he was absolutely done. He couldn’t take another six years of this. Sophie had said his mum needed time. He didn’t have time.</p><p>“He’s my best friend and he knows and he likes me anyway! And we hang out and when I told his mum you wouldn’t let me cut my hair she was disgusted at you. She knows, she doesn’t get it but she doesn’t think I’m wrong or hurting anyone,” he told her.</p><p>She grabbed him and for a second he thought she was going to slap him. That had hurt her, the idea that another mum had a different view to her. Sophie may as well have been encouraging him to transition, egging him on. </p><p>But she wasn’t, if anything it was the opposite, she was on his mum’s side. Like his mum, she thought he was probably going to change his mind. The difference was, she wasn’t trying to force him to.</p><p>And he didn’t need any encouragement, this was a need not a want. It was why his mum couldn’t stop him.</p><p>“Where do they live?” she demanded.</p><p>“Sylvia let it go,” his dad said tiredly.</p><p>He clearly wanted no part of this. He just wanted an easy life. But so did David, it would be so easy if they just accepted him. All he was asking of them was to see him correctly, was it really that hard for them? If anyone ever came out to him, he would never argue with them, never assume they didn’t know themselves, why was it so hard for them? Why did they think because he was their child they knew him better than he did?</p><p>“No Max I won’t. This woman cut our daughter’s hair, made her look like a boy-”</p><p>“I am a boy!” David screamed. </p><p>God if he wasn’t so strong what would happen to him? Would he just accept this? Let them keep him a certain way? If he didn’t have Laura he didn’t know what he would do. </p><p>He finally relaxed as she walked in the door, she was on the phone but immediately hung up when she sensed the situation.</p><p>“David you look so good,” she said, coming to stand beside him and throwing her arm around him, ruffling his new hair and grinning. It was him and her against their mum. His dad hovering in the middle. Not wanting to go up against her but on some level aware of how wrong she was. If the situation wasn’t so tense he could’ve tried to get his dad on side.</p><p>“Stop this, stop encouraging her,” his mum said to Laura.</p><p>“Stop it! Stop calling me wrong! Do you have any idea how much you hurt me every time? Do you have any idea how much you’re making me hate you?”</p><p>She shook her head and dragged him out of the door, his dad followed them dutifully.</p><p>“Get in the car both of you, Max you will drive me to this woman’s house and I’m going to give her a piece of my mind and then you are not to see this Matteo boy ever again,” she said.</p><p>That was absolutely not happening. He’d made his first real friend, nothing could make him give that up. He was going to stay friends with Matteo forever and his mum was going to have no say in the matter.</p><p>“He’s my best friend and I will see him as much as I want and you can’t stop me. What kind of mother are you that you’d rather I have no friends?”</p><p>She just shoved him into the car. Laura got in beside him, seemingly excited about all the drama and not willing to let him go alone. She took his hand and held it tight. As tense as the situation was, he felt that there was a chance everything was going to work out ok. With Laura by his side, he was fine. They were going to Matteo’s and there was nowhere he would rather be than his best friend’s house.</p><p>His parents got in the front and his dad reluctantly set off for Matteo’s. He was not a confrontational man, this was clearly very uncomfortable for him. He should try living a day in David’s shoes.</p><p>He knew she wasn’t going to back down on this. But what exactly could she do? Go get his hair from the floor and stick it back on? He hoped she wasn’t going to get him a wig but at least he could take that off. He hoped she wasn’t going to have a go at poor Sophie.</p><p>Laura held his hand the whole ride there, surprisingly he felt calm. He felt like there was nothing she could do. He looked good, he looked right for the first time in a long time and she couldn’t take that from him. If she wouldn’t let him cut it then he would get Sophie to do it again, he was pretty sure she would. </p><p>When they got there his mum dragged him out of the car, he didn’t much like this whole being pulled about all over the place. She was being unusually rough with him, although she used to be that way before he came out. Always pulling him about all over the place, never in a hurtful way, he liked to play rough and she encouraged it. All that had stopped the moment he’d told her he was a boy. As if treating him delicately would help him change his mind.</p><p>Laura and his dad followed them up to the door. His dad hesitating at the back, Laura placing her hands on his shoulders and squeezing tight. She leant over him.</p><p>“Shit’s about to hit the fan,” she muttered.</p><p>He loved her so much.</p><p>“Mind your language,” his mum snapped.</p><p>Laura just rolled her eyes but held her tongue, too keen to see what was going to happen. His mum just pressed the buzzer over and over again.</p><p>“Jesus mum stop it,” he said, pulling her hand back.</p><p>He was so embarrassed, this was all so ridiculous. She had no right to come here and yell at them. Sophie opened the door and smiled at them. David felt so bad, it was just her and Matteo at the moment. All four of them converging on this poor woman and her son. It wasn’t that late yet but it still wasn’t right to show up like this.</p><p>“I’m really sorry Sophie,” David said.</p><p>“David darling, is there a problem?” she asked gently.</p><p>“Is there a problem? You cut my daughter’s hair. How dare you? Who do you think you are? Look at the state of her!”</p><p>To David’s surprise, Matteo’s mum just smiled pleasantly but the disapproval was clear in her eyes. She may not agree with him, but she certainly did not agree with his mum either. “Now I did tell David before I started that it was going to be a bit messy. You should have seen the state it was in when Matteo got at it,” she said calmly.</p><p>At that point, Matteo peeped around his mum. He was already in his pyjamas even though it wasn’t that late. He reached out and grabbed David’s hand, pulling him into the hallway behind his mum so they were on the other side where it was safe. David stood close to him grinning, he didn’t let go of his hand.</p><p>“You’d better come in,” Sophie said. She showed them through to the kitchen. “Why don’t you boys go upstairs and play?” she suggested.</p><p>“No I want to hear this,” David insisted.</p><p>He wanted to be there, to stop his mother poisoning Matteo’s against him.</p><p>“You have a very thoughtful and strong-willed son, you should be proud,” Sophie said gently.</p><p>“We have a daughter,” his mum said.</p><p>Matteo’s mum turned to Laura. “You must be David’s sister,” she said.</p><p>Laura grinned in delight at that, David was just shocked. He had never known anyone talk to his mother like this. Sophie was almost dismissive of her. Not jumping into an argument, not fighting. It was very clever. It made his mum look silly, getting so wound up while she stayed calm.</p><p>It was funny because Sophie didn’t even really agree with him on all this, but she disagreed with his mother more, it was fantastic. </p><p>“Look I don’t know who you think you are-”</p><p>“Of course, my apologies, I’m Sophie Florenzi, I’m Matteo’s mother. Our sons are very good friends, although I will admit I was dubious at first. David is a little rougher than the boys he’s used to, my Matteo’s a little on the clumsy side. He’s a little immature compared to David but they get on so well. So I’m very happy to have him over all the time, it’s wonderful to have guests,” she said. </p><p>She really was mocking his mum now. Her tone was pleasant but he could hear the sharpness there too. </p><p>As serious as this was David couldn’t help but grin at the way Matteo scowled at his mother’s description of him. Then he yawned widely and any attempt at looking cross was ruined.</p><p>“‘M tired,” he whispered to David.</p><p>“Go to bed then,” David hissed.</p><p>Matteo kicked him, David shoved him back and then wrapped an arm around his waist.</p><p>“But it’s nice to see, I do worry about him wandering the community centre while I’m holding choir practice,” Sophie continued.</p><p>She could talk a lot. Despite the situation, she seemed happy to have their company. Matteo had said she was lonely, missed her husband terribly, even though the man was an ass. She didn't have many friends and Matteo worried about that. Matteo worried about a lot, underneath that happy-go-lucky attitude he had was a nervous, scared little boy. It’s why he needed David. It’s why David would stick around and ease those fears.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” his mother demanded, starting to get fed up with Sophie, getting frustrated that she wasn’t in control of the conversation.</p><p>“Matteo likes to watch David boxing,” Sophie clarified.</p><p>His dad perked up at that. “You’ve been boxing?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes dad, I have. It’s quite fun, I’m getting good,” David told him.</p><p>His dad didn’t comment further but his mum turned to Laura who shrugged. </p><p>“You got him kicked off football, thought it might be fun,” she said. </p><p>Damn she was so bold.</p><p>“Where is this community centre? I will call them right now and put in a complaint,” his mum said.</p><p>“Mama’s in charge,” Matteo said cheerily.</p><p>“I’m not in charge but I’m on the committee, the centre is part of my church,” Sophie explained.</p><p>“You are a Christian?” David’s dad asked her.</p><p>“Yes,” she said calmly.</p><p>“And you still let your son be around her?”</p><p>David winced, that felt like a slap in the face. He pressed closer to Matteo, that was painful. Matteo was frowning now, he’d never heard David get misgendered, it was clearly confusing for him. This was why David wouldn’t have him over, didn’t want his parents convincing him of things that weren’t true. Because that was how his dad saw him, an abomination, going against god.</p><p>Sophie frowned at the man then turned to David and he knew she finally got it, what he was up against. She looked furious at his dad’s insinuation.</p><p>“David is kind to my Matteo, that’s all that matters,” she said calmly. “I’m a Christian woman, yes, and the most important thing I’ve learnt from that is not to hate. As a nurse and a mother what I’ve learnt is to listen to my child, even when it’s something I don’t understand. Matteo is very special and sees the world in such an unusual way. To ignore that only causes him pain,” she said. “If you love your son you should try doing the same.”</p><p>Now she was really mad. David realised why, she may not understand him, she didn’t quite trust him to be old enough to make his own decisions on something like this. But it wasn’t to do with her religion at all and she didn’t take kindly to the implication. Because it also attacked her as a mother, even though she wasn’t his, the idea of anyone rejecting their child was clearly abhorrent to her.</p><p>His dad didn’t flinch, despite her tone, just nodded slowly like things were becoming clearer. “Ok, thank you for explaining your view,” his dad said.</p><p>“Max please don’t tell me you’re listening to this?” his mum asked.</p><p>“Look she… <em>he </em>is happy like this Sylvia. Look at him. What harm does it do? You’re hurting him, your own child,” he said.</p><p>David just stared but Laura smiled at him. Maybe… just maybe it would be ok. Not yet but maybe he would get to be ok before he was eighteen and free of them. Maybe he would just get to be a normal kid, with parents who loved him and supported him.</p><p>Sophie turned to him. “Why don’t you boys go upstairs now? I’ll talk to your parents, everything will be ok,” she said.</p><p>She couldn’t fix anything, this would take time but maybe, just maybe she could speed things up a little.</p><p>“You will not do any such thing,” his mum said.</p><p>“Let’s talk,” Sophie insisted, “let them go hang out, it’s late and Matteo’s getting sleepy, yes?”</p><p>“Yes mama,” he said sweetly.</p><p>He was such a baby, such a goody-two-shoes around her. Sophie didn’t see what he was like when they were alone. How rude he really was. One day David was going to film how mean Matteo was to him and keep it as blackmail material. Threaten to show Sophie just how cheeky and rude he was. That he swore and everything.</p><p>David wondered what his mum made of Matteo. David never talked to her like that, never showed her affection anymore. He would’ve done, never wanted to stop it but how could he when she treated him wrongly? He loved her dearly, despite himself, but he couldn’t show her any affection until she accepted him.</p><p>“Go and hangout quietly upstairs, you can watch a movie if David wants to,” she suggested.</p><p>“Ok goodnight mama, I love you,” Matteo said, kissing her cheek.</p><p>“Good night Matteo, I love you too darling,” she said, patting his head.</p><p>David didn’t miss the way his mother stared, shocked at how affectionate Matteo was with his own mother. She could have that too if she just accepted him. Did she think because he was a boy he wouldn’t love her anymore? That he didn’t still need love and care from her? He needed it so badly and it hurt that she no longer gave it to him.</p><p>“Bye Sophie,” David said politely, then let Matteo drag him upstairs.</p><p>There was a slight shoving match when they got to the top of the stairs, which David of course won. He barged into Matteo’s room and jumped onto the bed, Matteo trailing after him. See this was what his mum didn’t see, how rude Matteo was to him even though he was a guest. Trying to shove him out of the way, always kicking at him. Considering he wasn’t supposed to push Matteo about, Matteo sure did shove him a lot. David usually retaliated, couldn’t help it, Matteo could tell it was coming which helped him maintain his balance to some degree.</p><p>“Mama tidied up the hair,” Matteo said sleepily, climbing onto the bed beside him.</p><p>“Why are you so tired?” David asked him.</p><p>“It’s late,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s only nine?”</p><p>“I was up since three,” Matteo told him, yawning. He was making David feel tired, eyes achy, his head heavy. He settled down properly beside him.</p><p>“Why?” he asked.</p><p>“Mama was crying,” Matteo told him.</p><p>David wasn’t really good at this stuff, being someone to confide in. Hadn’t had anyone that wanted to confide in him. He was always the one with the problems so he had little experience of being on the other side of it. But Matteo needed him, he needed to push past his own awkwardness to be there for his friend. “I’m sorry Matteo,” he said gently, “what’s going on?”</p><p>It was strange, Sophie was down there pleasant as anything, she seemed so normal. But she’d get in these moods and they were quite scary. The other day he’d been there and she’d been panicking, said there were people in the house watching her, coming to take Matteo from her. A lot of the problems focused on Matteo and her fear of losing him. It had been scary to see that, watching her grab at him and not let go, even when it was clearly hurting him. Matteo didn’t let him intervene though, managed to talk her back down, calm her again. And then when it was over and she’d gone to lay down, David had held him and calmed him down while he tried not to cry.</p><p>“Papa should be back by now but he’s still in Italy,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>David wasn’t sure if that was the problem, it seemed this was a reaction to her husband leaving but then he’d left because she was like this. It was all very confusing. He’d never known that grown-ups could have these sorts of problems, he’d always thought everything would be so much simpler once he was an adult.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” David asked him.</p><p>Matteo shook his head and wiped his eyes. “Can’t,” he said.</p><p>David nodded. “Do you want to watch a movie? It might distract you,” he suggested.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo mumbled, handing over his laptop. “Nothing sad,” he added.</p><p>“Nothing sad,” David agreed, “Matteo, I think I want to make movies one day,” he told him.</p><p>He rarely told people that. Only Laura and Emily, his godmother knew. It was Emily who inspired him, showed him all her favourites. She loved movies and they brought her such joy. They brought him joy too and he wanted to do that for others, direct stories, tell the ones that didn’t get to be told.</p><p>“Yeah? You should, you’re very clever, I will watch everything you make,” Matteo said</p><p>“We’ll watch them together,” David promised, “ok have you ever seen <em>Howl’s Moving Castle</em>?”</p><p>He knew Matteo liked cartoons, and that was a clever one, he thought Matteo might like it.</p><p>“Yeah I like it, it’s nice, not sad,” Matteo said.</p><p>It didn’t matter that he’d already seen it, that way they could half watch it, and he could distract Matteo by talking to him too.</p><p>“It is nice,” David agreed, loading up the movie, he laid back against the pillows and balanced the laptop on his legs. Matteo stayed laying down for a few moments, then sat up next to David.</p><p>They watched quietly for a few minutes, but David was still thinking about his parents. </p><p>“They’re not shouting,” he said.</p><p>“Mama is good at talking to parents,” Matteo said.</p><p>David wasn't really surprised at that.</p><p>“They can’t pull the whole it goes against God on her either, like your dad said? She knows the bible better than most. She knew they’d come over, she was researching as soon as you left. She gets a little obsessed,” Matteo explained. “You’ve confused her a lot and she doesn’t like it that much, but she wants you to be happy and she wants us to stay friends so she’ll accept it in a reluctant way? And I think in time she’ll just accept it. Adults are so blind to us you know? They really struggle to believe us sometimes, but David she loves you so it’s gonna be ok,” he said.</p><p>“As long as I don’t shove you?”</p><p>“Exactly because that’s not fair David, you’re bigger than me,” Matteo said.</p><p>“And because you can’t balance for shit?”</p><p>“I can’t help it, you know that,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I do know that,” David agreed.</p><p>He smiled at his friend fondly, he found the fact Matteo couldn’t balance just one of those quirky little things about him. Matteo just grinned back, the movie was playing but they were barely paying any attention, focused on each other instead of the screen.</p><p>“And you’ll be ok because you’ll always have me,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Great,” David teased.</p><p>“Don’t be rude! I got your hair cut didn’t I?”</p><p>“I mean you made a mess of it,” David said. </p><p>Matteo shoved at him but David didn’t budge, then he held up his hands ready to be shoved but David let him off. This time.</p><p>“But if I hadn’t started then mama wouldn't have finished it,” Matteo reminded him.</p><p>“True,” David conceded.</p><p>“Will they let you keep it like this? It looks so nice,” Matteo said, completely ignoring the movie now and settling down again. David pushed the laptop down the bed so they could half watch it and laid down next to him.</p><p>“Yeah? Do I look handsome?” he joked.</p><p>Matteo didn’t say anything, just stared at him for a long moment. “Yeah,” he whispered, “but it’s just hair, you looked handsome before but you look very handsome with it short, because it’s what you wanted, you’re smiling more than I’ve ever seen and that looks amazing on you,” he said.</p><p>God, he was so free and honest with his words sometimes. David had been joking, hadn’t expected a response. Matteo wasn’t supposed to say stuff like that. David just blushed and turned to the laptop. He had no idea what to say to that. Matteo didn’t seem to expect him to say anything. So he continued to stare at the laptop resolutely until the blush left his cheeks.</p><p>He was gently woken by his dad a little while later.</p><p>“David?” he whispered. David just stared at him, he’d never called him that before.</p><p>“I- what’s going on?”</p><p>“We spoke with Sophie for a long time. Look, I’m not going to pretend to like this but I do understand that stopping you is hurting you. So I'm going to try. It’s very hard for me to accept this but I’m going to try. You are my child… my son so I have to put you first if this is what you want. I don’t... I’ll think about the medical stuff but we can’t stop you dressing or looking how you want.”</p><p>His dad was a quiet guy, never one to say a lot, that was probably the most David had heard him talk. It wasn’t all good but it was the most progress they’d made so far.</p><p>“Mum?”</p><p>“Give her more time,” his dad said.</p><p>“Every time she says I'm a girl it hurts,” David said.</p><p>“I understand that now and I will tell her off when she does,” he said. That was brave of him. No one stood up to his mum. Until Sophie that was.</p><p>“What did Sophie say?” David asked.</p><p>“She shot down our argument about it going against God for a start. She essentially told us that if we loved you at all we wouldn't be trying to hurt you and I realised how it must seem to you. You’re just a kid and we’re constantly hurting you. For that I'm sorry. She’s an odd woman Sophie. Your mother is stubborn, has never liked listening to other mums but I could tell some stuff sank in and she likes her, that’s unusual in itself.”</p><p>That was surprising, they were very different women but somehow it made sense too. Maybe his mum could learn a thing or two from Sophie.</p><p>“Ok,” David said.</p><p>“Will you come home?”</p><p>“I’m keeping my hair like this,” David said, getting up carefully. Matteo reached for him in his sleep but didn’t wake, so David allowed his dad to lead him away.</p><p>“That’s fine and when it grows we’ll get it cut again, you can start coming with me to the barbers,” he offered.</p><p>“Thank you dad, but I don’t want it as short as yours,” David joked, his dad was balding and kept what little hair he did have very short.</p><p>“Think you’re funny, don’t you? And look we’ll talk to this new school, I know you had a hard time at primary school and that the new place has all these rules but we’ll try and make it easier,” he said.</p><p>“Thank you dad,” David said.</p><p>“I love you David, I know it must seem otherwise but I do,” his dad said, pulling him into a hug and holding him tight. David returned the hug, took comfort in it for the first time in ages.</p><p>“Boxing huh?” his dad asked as he let him go and led him downstairs.</p><p>“Yeah I missed football so Laura took me,” David said.</p><p>“And that Matteo kid is a boxer?” his dad asked.</p><p>“No! He’s in the choir but we’re friends, he’s my best friend dad,” David told him.</p><p>“That’s nice, you’ve not had a friend in a while,” he said.</p><p>“He’s very important to me. He’s my best friend, he knows about me, he sees me exactly right without question,” David said. </p><p>His dad nodded and smiled, then directed him to the car.</p><p>His mum was sitting in the front, quietly seething. David paid her no mind, got in beside Laura and leant against her. She smiled and stroked his new hair.</p><p>“You look so good David,” she said.</p><p>He grinned and let her wrap her arm around him. He tried to fight sleep but he was only half awake. It had been one hell of a day and he was worn out. Laura continued to talk quietly to him as he felt himself drifting off. He felt calm and safe leaning against her, he felt for the first time that maybe everything was going to be ok. He thought that perhaps they were finally going to get him, not yet, but it finally felt like they were making some progress.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So they're getting it, for the wrong reasons, they don't want to be shown up by other parents but any kind of understanding is a start. It will be slow going but they'll never hurt him as bad as they did again.</p><p>Up next, summer is coming to an end as is this part of the story, we've got best friend promises, his mum slowly coming back into David's life and David allowing her to, because it's all he wants in the end.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Summer is ending and the contrast between now and the start was startling. After he'd been kicked out of football David had felt adrift, felt like there was nowhere he belonged. He'd just wandered the house, the garden, the streets of his neighbourhood aimlessly. He'd passed other kids in their groups chatting and having fun He'd never had that, summer had always been a lonely time for him but it hit harder than ever this year. </p><p>But now, now he knew exactly what hed been missing out on, exactly why all those other kids were so happy. He had a best friend but not only that he had purpose something to do. Every morning he woke up ridiculously early just to go and see Matteo. They never even did anything, just played games, chatted, mucked around in his garden, but it was the most fun David had ever had in his life. And even though summer was ending it felt like this chapter of his life was just beginning.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Despite the hostile environment in which they met and the intense dislike his mother showed for Sophie that night, somehow they were friends now. The past week and a bit, she’d come along with David whenever he went over to Matteo’s. Or she would show up to pick him up in the evenings but stay for dinner and a chat first.</p><p>David didn’t like it. She was encroaching on this thing, this little family that he’d found. Sophie and Matteo were his, and he didn’t want to share them, especially not with his mum. But he didn’t voice his complaints because Matteo did like it, a lot. It was important to him that his mum had someone to talk to, another adult. She was so lonely here without her husband. She had no real friends, so if she wanted to be friends with David’s mum Matteo was fine with it.</p><p>And his mum never bothered David while she was over. She let him and Matteo hide up in his room while they gossiped in the kitchen over tea, or sometimes wine if David’s dad was picking them up. They mostly talked about Matteo’s dad, which seemed to be a topic worth talking about at length. </p><p>David didn’t care about all that, all he wanted was Matteo and as long as they left them alone he would put up with his mum being there.</p><p>But now it was the last day of the holidays, and school started in the morning. David was feeling a bit anxious. </p><p>He was out in the garden with Matteo, trying to burn off some of that restless energy. Matteo’s hair had been cut now, still longer than David’s but now he had soft loose curls framing his face properly. David quite liked being able to see his face. The fringe was still there, but only down to his eyebrows now. He looked good and David told him as much, that it was nice to see his face. Matteo just blushed furiously and shoved him away.</p><p>They were sitting underneath the big old tree at the back of the garden, close together, Matteo’s head was on his shoulder and he was chatting about all the lessons he had tomorrow. David was half listening while looking around the garden. He loved it out there. It wasn’t any bigger than David’s own garden at home but whereas his dad cut the lawn and tidied the garden once a week, this one had been left to go wild. The grass was up to their knees, plants that should have been trimmed and shaped were slowly taking over. Apparently, Sophie loved to garden, but she hadn’t been able to lately, so the garden was in a bit of a state. Matteo had told him all that apologetically the first time he came over, about the mess in the house too. David didn’t care, he liked it all wild anyway; it was cool. It meant if they sat down they couldn’t be seen properly from the house.</p><p>“Are you scared?” Matteo whispered, catching his attention.</p><p>“No actually,” he said. He was nervous, but he was ready. He wasn’t afraid, not like Matteo meant. “It’s not going to be good but I’m going to be ok. I’m coming over tomorrow as soon as I’m done so I know I’m going to be fine.”</p><p>David was expecting more of the same, everyone looking at him funny, teasing him, ignoring him. He was used to it. It was going to be lonely, but he wouldn’t be lonely. As soon as he was done he would be straight on the bus to Matteo’s. He’d already informed his parents, told them they could pick him up early in the evening. His dad seemed to think it was very amusing. He’d just ruffled his hair and promised to pick him up after work.</p><p>“Good, that’s good,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Are you scared?” David asked.</p><p>“Terrified. I don’t… what if I’m no good? My teachers at primary school liked me, but they knew I was a bit strange. They were used to me and they were nice, these teachers will be stricter, it’s very academic David. I’m clever but I don’t think I’m good at the pressure like that. I’m not good at school. What if Jonas leaves me? There’s going to be so many other kids and David I’m so scared,” he said, his voice was trembling.</p><p>David wrapped an arm around him and squeezed him tight. None of that was going to happen, Matteo would be ok, he would make sure of it.</p><p>“Hey now, none of that will happen ok? Jonas won’t leave you, you will make new friends and the teachers will be ok,” David promised. “But if it goes badly, <em>I’m</em> never going to leave you, we’ll just run away ok?”</p><p>He liked that idea, just the two of them disappearing somewhere, going on all sorts of adventures.</p><p>“Where will we go?”</p><p>“Anywhere, somewhere no one knows us, where I can be exactly who I want to be and you’ll be there because I don’t want to go anywhere without you,” David said.</p><p>“I’ll follow you anywhere,” Matteo promised. “Let’s go somewhere warm,” he suggested.</p><p>“Somewhere warm,” David agreed.</p><p>“Near the sea?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“You like the sea?”</p><p>“I like to swim,” Matteo said, “or… I like being underwater, it feels good, quiet.”</p><p>“Ok, near the sea. Maybe… maybe one year we can go swimming, go to the lakes,” David said.</p><p>He couldn’t believe he was even suggesting it. But maybe they could find somewhere quiet, just the two of them, no one else around. David could wear a shirt and Matteo wouldn’t say anything. Why would he? It would be fun. David bet he could swim faster than Matteo. He could do everything faster than Matteo, it wasn’t fair really.</p><p>“I’d like that. Mama might let me, I dunno,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I might not be able to anyway,” David warned.</p><p>“We could go anyway and not swim, just be by the water,” Matteo said.</p><p>“What else do we need? When we run away?”</p><p>“What will happen to mama?”</p><p>“We could bring her, or my mum would look after her I think,” David guessed.</p><p>“I think she should stay,” Matteo said. “But we could visit.”</p><p>“Of course we would.”</p><p>“Then I don’t need anything else,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Just me and the sea?”</p><p>“Yeah, that sounds nice.”</p><p>“One day we’ll do that I think,” David said, imagining it now.</p><p>They would have a tiny house by a lake, no one else bothering them or giving them grief. He was certainly too young to be tired of people. But he’d seen people, how they’d reacted to him, so far the bad had outweighed the good.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Not run away, but move away somewhere quiet, when we’re grown-ups I mean,” he said.</p><p>“You’d get bored, you don’t like quiet, you like the city,” Matteo said.</p><p>He had a point, David was a city kid through and through, couldn’t actually imagine living away from all the hustle and bustle. He would get bored like he did at his godmother’s house after a few weeks.</p><p>“Ok somewhere… no I know! When I’m rich and famous, I’ll buy us a cabin by a lake and when everything is too much, we can run away. It’ll have all our favourite things, comics, books, video games and sweets. We can just go there and hide from everyone else,” David insisted.</p><p>“Will you still be friends with me when we’re grown-ups?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Of course,” David said.</p><p>He was sure of that.</p><p>“Even though I won’t be very good at it? I won’t be able to get a job or anything, I’ll be difficult to be friends with I think,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“Hey don’t do that, firstly if you want a job you will get one, you’ve just got to figure out what you like first. But you don’t need to worry about that yet, we’re too young, and you’re not difficult. Being friends with you is the easiest thing in the world,” David said.</p><p>How were they supposed to know these things already?</p><p>“You know though,” Matteo accused.</p><p>He was right, David knew he wanted to make movies, had for a while. He liked art too. But for a long time he’d wanted to be a footballer. That had been snatched away from him, so he’d moved on to film and art. Mostly because he loved it but partly because his mum didn’t approve. But he had his entire life mapped out, how he was going to get through everything because he needed to.</p><p>“Yes, but I’m weird. But I have to have a plan Matteo, I can’t just breeze through, I wish I could but I can’t. I have to know how everything is going to work out,” he told him.</p><p>“I think you’re going to be amazing. You’ll make amazing films and you’ll be in all the magazines as a sexy celebrity and I’ll have to get them to print a correction so everyone knows how annoying you really are and-”</p><p>“Fuck off!” David shoved him and then wrestled him to the ground. He quickly gained the upper hand, as if Matteo ever had a chance. </p><p>He had Matteo pinned down and squirming and was just about to start a tickle attack when his mum approached them.</p><p>“David,” she said gently, “time to go home.”</p><p>David grumbled but climbed off Matteo and pulled him up.</p><p>“Bye David,” he mumbled.</p><p>David grabbed him and hugged him tight, he didn’t want to let him go. Matteo held back just as tightly. </p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he promised, “you’ll be ok but text me ok? You can text me all day long. If I don’t reply my phone’s been confiscated.”</p><p>Matteo nodded and smiled at him. </p><p>Then David’s mum led him back to the car. She was quiet. She was thinking about something and that wasn’t usually good. David didn’t even try to start a conversation, he just got into the car and buckled himself in.</p><p>“How are you doing, David?” she asked, after a few minutes of driving.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I… how are you doing? Are you ok?”</p><p>“Am I ok? What do you mean?”</p><p>David had no idea where she was going with this. He couldn’t help but think that this was some kind of trick. If he said he wasn’t ok, she would say it was because of the choices he was making. If he said he was ok, she would say nothing needed to change.</p><p>“I know I’ve been bad to you and I still don’t agree with this, but you’re still my… child. As your mother, keeping you safe and well is my priority. I haven’t been doing that lately.”</p><p>“I…”</p><p>Sophie had obviously been talking to her, she wouldn’t change her mind on her own, she was far too stubborn for that. Sophie checked in with him whenever she was in a good place, she did the same with Matteo, always knew what was going on with her son. It seemed his mum was picking up a few things.</p><p>“I’m ok,” he mumbled. She didn’t care so what was the point?</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“No, not really but you don’t want to hear this stuff,” he said.</p><p>“I… I will listen to you. Tell me what’s wrong,” she said gently.</p><p>He looked at her; she was watching the road, but she was clearly listening, maybe she would really hear him. Even if she didn’t agree right now, listening was the first step. He really had scared her the other day at the salon and now she was talking with Sophie every day. Sophie who didn’t agree either but still took the time to learn about her son’s friend.</p><p>This was his chance to tell her what he was going through.</p><p>“Mum everything about me is going to change in the wrong way, I can already see it happening and I am so scared. For now, most people see me as a boy but that won’t last much longer and school is going to be so difficult. And I know you hate who I’m becoming but I was never your daughter in the first place I was your son. I am your son. It’s you who is confused, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. And the thing is, nothing has to change, I’m not any different to who I was a year ago. I was a boy then too, I just didn’t know it. Nothing ever had to change between us, it was you that decided that,” David said, bracing himself for her response.</p><p>“I am sorry…” she whispered, tears running down her face.</p><p>David didn’t feel guilty, she should be upset, but he didn’t want her to cry. He’d never seen her cry before. He knew she did, alone in her room sometimes but he’d never seen it.</p><p>“I… ok?”</p><p>“This is hard for me too,” she said.</p><p>“It’s harder for me mum, I’m living this,” he said.</p><p>“I… I still can’t get this but… you’re more important. I need time but I will figure this out,” she promised.</p><p>“There’s nothing to figure out mum, please. I already know this. Are you going to let me transition or not?”</p><p>“I’ve been talking about it with Sophie, she’s a nurse you know, she helped me with some of the medical stuff. She doesn’t-”</p><p>“She doesn’t get it either! It’s not fair you can’t make these decisions for me-”</p><p>“We can, you’re a child-”</p><p>“Mum-”</p><p>“No wait, David wait,” she insisted, pulling the car into a car park.</p><p>“This isn’t fair,” David said, trying not to let his emotions show, trying not to let her win.</p><p>“David,” she warned. “Please let me speak.”</p><p>“Fine,” he said, throwing himself back in his seat, arms folded across his chest. He thought they’d been about to get somewhere but he shouldn’t have got his hopes up.</p><p>“I don’t want you doing anything medical yet-”</p><p>“Mum-”</p><p>“Listen to me. You’re too young for hormones anyway and you know that. You’ve researched it. When you are sixteen if you still feel this way-”</p><p>“Mum stop it,” he said.</p><p>“Ok <em>when</em> you are sixteen, not if. But your dad and I will help you with whatever you need, I guess we have to admit you’re probably not going to change your mind. I still hope you will but that’s on me, I have to work through that, and throughout it, I will love and support you, I will do better,” she promised.</p><p>That was nice and all but he didn’t know how to trust it. What if she never came round, took back her words? “What do I do until then?” he asked.</p><p>“Nothing,” she said, a little confused.</p><p>“Nothing?”</p><p>“Nothing right now. You don’t need to do anything, I don’t think you’re going to change as drastically as you think you are David. You seem to think you’re going to hit thirteen in a few months and everything will change. You forget I’ve been watching you grow your whole life, it’s a much slower process than you think. You’re certainly not just suddenly going to turn into a woman overnight,” she said.</p><p>“But mum I am changing,” he insisted.</p><p>“I know and I understand now that this is painful for you. I know it’s more noticeable to you than it is to me. I will help you as much as I can to hide those changes. I will get your haircut like you want, buy you the clothes you need. And I will take you to see a doctor so I can understand this even better and so you can get the help you need, so you’re not waiting when you’re sixteen, do you understand what I mean?”</p><p>“A proper gender doctor, not someone to try and change my mind?”</p><p>“Yes David a specialist, I promise,” she said.</p><p>David almost cried with relief, she was going to support him, begrudgingly but she was going to. It felt like everything was suddenly a lot easier. It wasn’t but every time she tried to argue with him, and he knew she would, he knew she would try to listen too. It would take longer than it should but she would listen. And the doctors would help too. And he was nearly thirteen, sixteen didn’t seem such an unattainable goal anymore.</p><p>“Thank you mum, that’s all I wanted. I know it takes time, but I just wanted you to help, to be there. I still love you, I don’t know why you think this means I don’t but I do,” he said.</p><p>“I was being selfish, I thought you were rejecting yourself, and in turn me, that’s still hard for me to reconcile but that’s not your fault,” she said.</p><p>“I’m not rejecting anything, this is just my truth, I need you to see it,” he said.</p><p>He understood it would take time, he’d always expected that. He never thought she would know about this, was ready to explain. It hadn’t gone as smoothly as he’d hoped but if she was willing to listen, they could try again.</p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t see that before. I promise I’m going to try harder,” she said.</p><p>“Thank you mum,” he said.</p><p>“And school will be ok, your father and I will come in with you tomorrow. We will help you, we’ll talk to the head again, make sure they’re trying. There’s definitely more they could be doing for you. You know it’s just a shame you can’t go with Matteo, you two get on so well.”</p><p>“I’d like that more than anything, can’t we just move?” David asked.</p><p>His mum laughed loudly at that. “David do you have any idea how expensive it is around there?” she asked.</p><p>He’d figured as much. “I mean you could get a job,” he joked.</p><p>“Funny boy, my job is to look after you, I’m sorry I haven’t been doing that lately,” she said, getting out of the car.</p><p>“Where are we going?” he asked when she came round to his side and opened the door.</p><p>“You need new clothes for school, you can’t just wear your dad’s old things, he’s not stylish my husband,” she said.</p><p>David actually quite liked his dad’s things, they were comfortable and baggy and he felt safe in them. But they were very big.</p><p>“I love you mum,” he said. </p><p>He knew this wasn’t all fixed, knew that she still wanted him to change back. She would buy him clothes and probably hope that was enough to pacify him. Clothes were easy, they were temporary. Anything more permanent she wouldn’t allow. But hopefully, in time, she would get there. He knew she still didn’t see him right. She saw him as her daughter who wanted to be a boy rather than her son. But she did love him, he could see that.</p><p>“Come here,” she said, wrapping her arm around him as she led him to the store. It was the usual place they went to, aimed at families, nothing fancy but he would happily wear boys’ clothes from there, he didn’t need to be stylish.</p><p>“Do you think I’ll be tall?” he asked as he located the boys’ section. He knew exactly where it was, before all this his mum hadn’t forbidden him from wearing the clothes he’d found there. He hesitated unsure she was really going to let him, but she gestured for him to lead the way.</p><p>“Yes, we’re all quite tall, you’ll be as tall as me I think,” she said.</p><p>He hoped so, he really did.</p><p>“Laura’s not,” he reminded her.</p><p>“Laura is a little ball of rage, that’s where her height went. She’s always been like that, bossy like she is, used to have you up to all sorts. But you’re tall, you were a big baby, always bigger than average. You’ll never be as tall as your dad but you’ll be as tall as me easily. You have big feet too, you’re always going through trousers and shoes,” she said. “Everyone in my family is tall, and your father’s parents are giants,” she reminded him. “I guess… you would be tall for a girl, average height for a guy.”</p><p>That was all true, they were all little things that made him feel good.</p><p>His mum frowned as he started to look through the clothes, and he froze. He knew it, knew she wasn’t going to let him have this.</p><p>“I don’t think these are right,” she said, “they’re very young, and small too. These won’t fit you,” she said, holding up some jeans labelled age twelve. “Don’t they have a teenage section? You’re pretty much there now.”</p><p>“No mum. I guess this counts,” he said, leading her over to another section he had hoped to avoid. He gestured at a small selection of what he assumed was supposed to look cool. It did not. No teenager was going to wear that stuff. It looked like the kind of stuff parents would pick out for their kids. One t-shirt had <em>rebel </em>printed across the front. He cringed.</p><p>“And this isn’t good?” she asked.</p><p>“No mum,” David said, laughing.</p><p>“I’m getting old,” his mum said. “Let’s go upstairs, get you some shirts and jeans from menswear. You can go to town with your sister at the weekend if you want something stylish, seeing as I don’t know anything. I thought these were cute,” she said.</p><p>“I’m almost thirteen mum, I don’t want to be cute,” he argued.</p><p>“You’re my baby, you’ll always be cute to me,” she said.</p><p>David just grinned at her, and they headed upstairs.</p><p>For the first time in a long time he felt that maybe, just maybe, everything would be ok. At the start of summer, everything had been bad, he’d had nothing to look forward to. He’d been dreading the future. All that bad stuff was still there, but he had so much good too. He still had Laura who was always there. He had Matteo now, boxing, Sophie, his parents were slowly coming around. He had the clothes and the hair to suit him, to help him feel like himself. He had all this good stuff, not outweighing the bad, but enough to get him through, keep him going. He was going to be ok.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The summer is ending and so is this part. This is the end of the original chapter one but I'm so happy I broke it up further, it works better for this story.</p><p>So the next part starts next summer, the boys are thirteen and it's time for a long overdue meeting and a new friend for David. That's right it's time for him to meet Jonas.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Summer is here again and for the first time in a long time, David is excited for the holidays for more reasons than just the fact he doesn't have to deal with school and all that shit. Now he has Matteo, he has long summer days of fun stretching out ahead of him. Christmas and Easter had been amazing, but summer was different, it seemed endless. He has Matteo, he has boxing, and now he's about to gain another friend. How different things are from a year ago.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Now we're onto part two of the story. The boys are now thirteen, they've had nearly a full year of friendship and it's going strong. Now they have the whole summer together. It won't always be sunshine and smiles between them, but by the time school comes back around their friendship will be stronger than ever.</p><p>quick warning: nothing major but a fair point to warn about, David struggles with his dysphoria in this chapter, in particular he struggles seeing Jonas shirtless. This is going to be a theme as puberty is hitting all of them hard but it's not evvery chapter so I'll warn each time</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>
  <strong>part ii - wishing never helps, wishing never solved a thing</strong>
</h3><p>The first day of the summer holidays that year Matteo wanted them to jump straight into it, do something they’d been putting off all year. Matteo wanted him to meet Jonas. And apparently Jonas wanted to meet him, and was all excited about the prospect. </p><p>Somehow over the year, despite them both being Matteo’s best friends, they just hadn’t gotten around to meeting. It was sort of deliberate, in a way.</p><p>David saw Matteo all the time, even though they lived too far apart and attended different schools. David saw him most weekends and some evenings, every single holiday too. During the week he would take three buses after school to get there. Some days it was the only thing that got him through the school day. </p><p>Matteo had offered several times to meet him halfway, but David liked it at Matteo’s house better. He liked to bolt out of the school building and jump onto the bus, getting further and further away from all the other kids. </p><p>At Matteo’s house they could just hangout, mess around, play and chat. They could be dumb boys squirreled away in his room talking about everything and nothing. Plus, there was the bonus that his own parents weren’t there on his case about homework or the state of his room. It was very hard to keep on top of tidying it when he spent so little time there. But his homework was on track, Matteo was such a nerd, made them do their homework first most afternoons before they could play.</p><p>It was still slow going with his parents. It was a lot better than when he first came out, but it still wasn’t ideal. It was a process; he supposed. And he knew they loved him, essentially they were just dumb and stubborn, stuck in their ways. On the one hand, they rarely slipped up now, called him David, their son every time they talked about him. And they said it with affection too, not embarrassment or shame. But he could tell they both still wished this was going to go away. That it was just a phase, that one day he would just wake up and be their daughter again. </p><p>Laura said it would take time, that it wasn’t because they didn’t want him to be their son, it was because they were just a little blind to the age thing. They didn’t believe him because he was still just a kid to them. They didn’t think he could know something like this at his age. They had forgotten what it was to be thirteen and ignored. So they accepted him, didn’t discourage him, but did nothing to encourage him either. They thought it was a phase he was going to grow out of. And while that wasn’t it at all, he appreciated that they were now letting him have this “phase” instead of actively trying to put a stop to it, as so many parents often did.</p><p>And while they did their best not to encourage his transition, they stuck to their promises. Both of them attended several sessions with his gender psychiatrist, Andrea. After some initial friction, his mum hating to accept the word of other adults, they got on ok. His parents may think he was too young, but Andrea was a qualified professional and she didn’t think that at all. They all agreed that no matter what, David came first. Now he had a timeline and a full medical support system. Really, all they had to do was accept the permanence of what he’d told them. Everything else had already fallen into place.</p><p>In one of their solo sessions, Andrea had told him he suspected this wasn’t even about him transitioning anymore. She said that part of his mum’s struggle was simply with the fact he was growing up and because he was having to do it, perhaps a little earlier than he should have to; she wasn’t happy about it. She wanted to keep him young, and she’d started to associate that with his gender. That kind of made sense, and Andrea said she would get it in time.</p><p>So he’d wait. He knew that they loved him, that was enough.</p><p>Matteo was a little strange when it came to his social life. He liked to compartmentalise. He had Jonas, and from Jonas he had a few other friends at school. He kept them in one box. Then he had David. It wasn’t as straightforward as school friends and other friends, Jonas was his best and oldest friend. But Matteo liked to keep them separate. David was his other friend, that was how he described it. And he didn’t mean anything bad, if anything the way he said it, he clearly held David in the highest regard. David was special to him in the best way, and he wanted to keep him to himself. Maybe it was selfish on Matteo’s part, but David loved it. </p><p>So he saw Jonas at school, after school sometimes, and some weekends. Jonas only lived a couple of streets away, so it was easy. But most of Matteo’s time was spent with David.</p><p>But Matteo also knew that David was wary of meeting new people, struggled to trust them, let them get close. He was intimidated by the idea of Jonas. He had heard countless stories about how cool he was. Was a little nervous that he wouldn’t approve of David as a friend for Matteo and it would cause conflict between the three of them.</p><p>But now it was time. David and Matteo were at an abandoned play park they’d found a few weeks ago. It was a few streets over from David’s house, part of an unfinished housing estate. It was all empty, half-made buildings, crumbling with boarded-up windows. David wanted to explore them but Matteo wouldn’t step foot inside. So the overgrown playground would be their hangout instead. It was just as cool, weeds almost as tall as them, an air of abandonment saturating the place. No one else would come here, it was theirs.</p><p>They were waiting for Jonas to show up. Matteo had stayed over David’s last night, so they were already together, just waiting. Matteo was making Jonas come to them. David figured he got his way a lot, he certainly did with him too.</p><p>David was standing on the old swing, trying to get higher and higher. He probably should be scared that the thing was going to collapse, but it seemed sturdy enough. Matteo was laying flat on the Dutch disk, which no longer span, the mechanisms rusted from disuse. He was quiet, just staring up at the sky, arms out, palms flat against the wooden surface.</p><p>David watched him. He found himself watching Matteo a lot these days. Out of concern mostly. Worry too. He liked it when Matteo stayed over, away from his house, where David could keep an eye on him. </p><p>But the sleepovers were probably going to have to stop soon.</p><p>Technically, he wasn’t even supposed to be staying over anymore. His mum didn’t like it, she said it was inappropriate. Matteo’s mum too was getting a bit iffy about it these days. What the hell did they think was going to happen? They were thirteen. All they did was eat too many snacks, drink too much soda, and stay up playing video games all night. If that was the problem David would get it, but that wasn’t what was worrying them. But they were so well behaved, they even stayed quiet despite how often they ended up bickering and play fighting. Which just proved their parents’ worries were baseless and ridiculous.</p><p>It just confirmed that they still didn’t see him quite right, because they thought boys and girls shouldn’t have sleepovers. Most parents did. He got that. He thought it was pretty dumb, but he understood it was convention. But he wasn’t a girl, so what did it matter?</p><p>Laura, always on his side, had agreed and had argued on his behalf for him a few weeks ago, when his mum had tried to talk him out of going over for the weekend. Laura brought up the fact that they were supposed to be trying harder, that David was a boy and if they didn’t have a problem with her sleepovers at Nina’s house, they shouldn’t have a problem with David staying at Matteo’s. That was double bullshit because David was almost ninety percent sure something was going on with Laura and Nina. She wouldn’t tell him anything, said it was too adult for his innocent little ears. He was pretty sure that meant they were sleeping together. Which was gross. She was absolutely right; he didn’t need to know about that. At all. She still didn’t need to be so smug about it. Seventeen-year-olds were weird.</p><p>But he appreciated that she’d taken a risk. Knowing how stubborn his mum was, it was fifty-fifty that she could just take that privilege away from Laura, just so that she didn’t have to give it to him. But she’d reluctantly relented. For now. </p><p>David figured this would be the last year she would tolerate it. It was probably for the best. Not that he agreed with her, but he was just barely on the edge of comfortable around Matteo sometimes. It was nothing he was doing in particular, it was his own discomfort at work. Dysphoria taking over and making him paranoid about what should be nonexistent issues. He knew Matteo saw him correctly, but he was so scared of that changing. There’d already been several nights where he’d moved from the bed to the floor for fear of Matteo touching him. Not intentionally, he was just clingy in his sleep. He meant nothing by it, but David would get scared he would touch him in the wrong place and realise what David was trying to hide with the heavyweight hoodies he always wore these days. And it hurt too, leaving him behind like that, curling up on the floor all alone.</p><p>He’d explained it all to Matteo after it had happened again the other day. He hadn’t sulked much, apart from pouting a little. Then he’d suggested that they bring out the airbed for David. His comfort was important to him, but he didn’t want him to stop sleeping over.</p><p>But then there was also the fact that David was pretty sure he wasn’t straight. He didn’t really think about it that much, after all he was sure he was destined for a lonely life, didn’t think he would actually get a boyfriend or a girlfriend who saw him correctly, so what did it matter? But he wasn’t averse to the idea of a boyfriend, if he ever got something like that. It was all Laura’s fault; she was so obviously in love, and he wanted that one day. </p><p>Not being straight didn’t mean he couldn’t share a bed with Matteo, but if he went along with his mum’s argument then technically she was right.</p><p>Still, he would continue to do so as long as he was allowed and as long as he felt comfortable.</p><p>“Oi Luigi!” A boy yelled, hopping the fence and running up to the disk where Matteo was still laying. Matteo didn’t even move when the boy, obviously Jonas, climbed up beside him and started to hit him playfully. </p><p>David felt a little nervous now. He clung to the chains of the swing. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting. He knew Jonas was Matteo’s best friend, but he wasn’t expecting this kind of behaviour. He didn’t think Matteo would be friends with someone so boisterous.</p><p>David had spent the past year of high school observing the other boys, the way they behaved, the way they interacted. From what he’d seen, they were all so reluctant to hug, even touch each other. Right now Jonas and Matteo were hugging like they hadn’t seen each other for weeks, rather than half a day. </p><p>David hugged Matteo all the time, ever since that first hug he was incredibly tactile with Matteo, but he thought they were the ones who were different. He thought they were weird if he was honest and thought it might be him that was odd. Thought that Matteo was humouring him and he would grow out of it. It wasn’t something he wanted to give up by any means, but he figured he would have to, that one day Matteo would realise it was odd and ask him to stop. But now, watching Matteo hug this boy, he realised perhaps he wouldn’t have to. He watched them break apart, then Matteo waved him over.</p><p>Slowly, David climbed down and approached them. Jonas was smiling, he seemed genuinely excited. In fact, the moment David got close enough, Jonas jumped up and grabbed David, pulling him in for a hug. David was taken aback. He tried his best not to flinch and hugged Jonas back carefully. Jonas didn’t seem to mind the half hearted hug, just pulled back and grinned at him.</p><p>“So you’re David? The boy who’s stolen Matteo from me?” Jonas asked, thumping his shoulder.</p><p>David shook his head, smiling slightly.</p><p>“Nah, I know, I’m just his lowly oldest friend, you’re something special,” Jonas said. </p><p>He didn’t seem too put out by it. And he didn’t need to be, David knew their friendship was solid. From the way Matteo described it, they were practically brothers, had known each other half their lives, had an unbreakable bond. Also Matteo couldn’t be stolen; he was a person. </p><p>David knew his friendship with Matteo was different, almost instantaneous the way it had formed but he knew it was strong. He knew Matteo was already entrenched in his life and he could never let him go.</p><p>“So er… you box?” Jonas said, curious and eager.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s how we met,” David said.</p><p>“Dude, don’t say it like that, makes it sound like Luigi was boxing,” Jonas teased.</p><p>At that, Matteo jumped onto his back. Jonas seemed used to this because he bent his knees slightly and tilted to throw Matteo off. But as soon as he was back on the ground, Jonas reached out to steady him, completely automatically. David often did the same, found himself reaching out and grabbing Matteo whenever he sensed he was going to trip or stumble. The first time he’d done it, the soft smile Matteo had given him had made him feel all fluttery. It was strange, but he found himself doing it again and again until it became a natural reflex to him. He hoped Matteo never grew out of his clumsiness, wanted to always be that person who provided him a steady hand.</p><p>“Rude,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Will you teach me?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“Hah! He’ll knock you out, he’s really good, you won’t keep up,” Matteo said eagerly. He seemed pretty excited about the prospect of David knocking Jonas out, which wasn’t even going to happen.</p><p>Jonas kicked Matteo. “I’m asking him to teach me, not fight me,” he said calmly. His tone seemed practised, like he often had to say these sorts of things to Matteo, correct him patiently.</p><p>“I er… yeah ok we can spar if you want?” David offered, feeling shy. He hadn’t realised how much Matteo had talked about him with Jonas. Especially as Jonas seemed to think he was some tough guy. But then Matteo thought that too, not with any negative connotations. </p><p>Whenever David complained about some of the kids at school Matteo couldn’t understand it, that they would even dare to pick on him. He was confused that they didn’t know how strong he was, how good he was at fighting. Had even suggested that David just beat them up, teach them a lesson. He would never do that, no matter how tempting it was. It wouldn’t be worth the hassle.</p><p>He wasn’t completely alone, a few kids would sit with him at lunch, exchange a few words here and there in class. They weren’t his friends though, because he could tell they didn’t see him correctly. It was nothing hostile, just misunderstanding, but he was too scared of pushing them away by correcting them. It was never as easy as it was with Matteo. </p><p>Most of the other kids ignored him though. Then there were a few boys from his primary school who were shitty, but he managed to avoid them for the most part. He figured Matteo was right, he probably could beat them up easily if he wanted to, but he was scared of getting in trouble for it.</p><p>Jonas stepped in front of him. “Awesome!” he said, putting his fists up in front of his face and planting his feet firm.</p><p>David grinned at his mistake, Jonas was not a natural boxer. David reached out and pushed his hands so they were lower. “You need to be able to see,” he warned him. </p><p>Matteo laughed, and David raised an eyebrow. “Should I remind you that you almost knocked yourself out with the punching bag? More than once,” he said.</p><p>Matteo scowled when Jonas laughed at him. “Brilliant! Yeah, I can just imagine that,” Jonas said.</p><p>David kicked at Jonas’ feet. “Loosen up, don’t stand so solid. You gotta bounce, move like me,” he said, bouncing on his feet, the trick was to keep moving. Jonas copied him but his fists went up again.</p><p>David moved them back down. “I won’t hit your face, no matter what,” he promised, tapping his fists to Jonas’. Jonas nodded nervously. He’d asked for this but now that he was about to do it, he was scared to get hit. He wasn’t a fighter and it was a natural response but David had good control, Jonas wouldn’t get hurt.</p><p>He punched out at Jonas’ tightly clenched fists and he flinched and stumbled back. </p><p>“Raise your fists just before I strike,” David said. </p><p>It took a few goes but Jonas managed to deflect two blows. David was going easy on him, he could see that Matteo knew it but wasn’t saying anything, just watching. “Ok now keep that up and try to move away from me, so we’re spinning,” David said.</p><p>Jonas did and immediately stumbled.</p><p>“Don’t think about your steps, just move with it,” David said.</p><p>It was slow going but eventually Jonas managed to move away. But he couldn’t do both at the same time and sometimes he ended up doing neither. David hadn’t realised the level of coordination it took, it came naturally to him. He moved without even thinking about it, fists and feet in sync. Jonas was thinking too much, that was the main problem.</p><p>“Ok finally you gotta try and strike me,” David said.</p><p>Matteo laughed again now. “You’ll never land a hit on David,” he said.</p><p>It was true, David had been going easy on Jonas to encourage him but he wasn’t going to let him land a blow on him. He just smiled at Jonas and gestured for him to make a move. He did, tried in earnest to hit at David but it was no good, he couldn’t strike him. David advanced on him and all that Jonas had learnt seemed to fall away as he tried to focus on both defending himself and hitting David. It was no good he tripped and stumbled. David reached out to grab him before he fell and helped him right himself. He grinned in triumph as Jonas conceded.</p><p>“Done?”</p><p>“Yeah I think so,” Jonas mumbled, shaking his head slowly. He was panting, sweating, that had clearly been quite the work out for him. </p><p>Then he pulled off his shirt and all David’s victory faded in a flash. All he felt was that burning ache in the pit of his stomach. He tried to keep his composure as he watched Jonas use his shirt to wipe his brow then just toss it aside, clearly not planning on dressing again any time soon. The ache grew, he felt it in his heart, his limbs, his whole body felt heavy with jealousy. He just wanted to sink into the ground, just wanted to disappear. </p><p>David just wanted, wanted so badly. Jonas had no idea either, he just stretched and groaned. David kept staring, he couldn’t help it. He’d already been staring too long, but he kept looking. Eventually Jonas caught his breath and grinned at him, seemingly unfazed by David’s fixation on his chest.</p><p>“You’re not too hot?” Jonas asked him.</p><p>He was, he was boiling. Under his hoodie he had a baggy t-shirt and under that two sports bras that he’d fashioned into something that would compress his chest as much as possible. They weren’t going to work much longer. </p><p>He’d asked his parents for a binder, but that apparently came under encouraging him so they’d said no. They wouldn’t buy him one and had forbidden Laura from doing so. They’d said if they found out he had one they’d take it away. They thought it was dangerous and said they were protecting him. Wouldn’t listen when he tried to explain. </p><p>The thing was, he could see where they were coming from; it was a place of ignorance but he understood their thought process. They still thought he was going to change his mind and didn’t want him to do any permanent damage. If he squinted he could read it as concern, as misguided as it was. He supposed the real challenge was convincing them to believe him, then to convince them to buy him one. The effort he had to go to just to feel something a little closer to comfort in his own body was exhausting.</p><p>Right now he was just about coping, just on the edge of it but it wasn’t going to work much longer and he was terrified. Laura had tried to comfort him, said that maybe when it became more obvious they would have no choice but to help.</p><p>Maybe it wasn’t obvious to her, but it was so obvious to him. He saw it in every reflection, every time he looked down. How could he not? She couldn’t see it because the changes always seemed slower to her, he was still that same skinny kid he always was. But underneath all his layers his body was changing and it wasn’t for the better.</p><p>Right now he was so warm he felt sick, but nothing was going to make him take off his hoodie. Matteo handed him his water bottle. David gulped it down gratefully then poured the rest over himself. It helped a little, it felt so good as it ran down his front and back. It was hot enough that it would dry quickly so it didn’t matter that he was soaked, he’d been sweaty anyway.</p><p>“Not everyone likes to be naked,” Matteo said dryly.</p><p>Matteo didn’t get it at all, didn’t know how David felt, his pain. But he had his own need to be covered, very different from David’s but just as real. He also needed to wear several layers, other than when they slept David rarely saw him without a jumper on. His mum had been right when she told him last summer that in the winter he would find Matteo in at least three jumpers. He was sensitive to the cold and preferred the feeling of heavy clothes on his skin. </p><p>David didn’t prefer it, but knew the same feeling of not wanting to take off his layers. It was set to get hotter as the summer went on and David was dreading it. It was going to be unbearable. He figured he might be ok, in a heavy t-shirt, hiding in Matteo’s room but he knew deep down he would need the hoodie. </p><p>Matteo knew all his worries and had promised him they could hide out from the heat in his cellar. Apparently there was nothing down there but old furniture but it should be cool enough to just chill. They could take their laptops down there and just hang out, watch movies, play games, chat. David figured it might just be the only way he would get through the summer.</p><p>“It’s hardly naked,” Jonas said, amused. But he didn’t push, just shrugged and grabbed his shirt, pulling it back on. Jonas probably assumed he was weird like Matteo, he didn’t mind that so much.</p><p>David liked his chill easy going attitude. Liked the way he didn’t ask questions, he must see how odd, how evasive David was being but he just let it be. Jonas would be a good friend, he hoped he would get that from him. Wanted to keep him, hang out more. It would be nothing like what he had with Matteo but he wanted more, he wanted friends.</p><p>Jonas collapsed onto the disk behind him. Matteo copied, and then David laid between them so all their heads were together.</p><p>“You gonna look after Luigi for me David?” Jonas asked.</p><p>David knew Jonas went to his grandparents’ for most of the summer, and would only be around for a few weeks. Apparently his parents were weird and wanted him to get out of the city for the summer. Matteo used to go along but last year had elected to stay behind with his mum. Hence why he’d been so lonely and bored and had ended up wandering the community centre. David couldn’t be more grateful for it, it was how they’d found each other. If Matteo had gone away for one more year, they might never have met.</p><p>David laughed.</p><p>“Matteo can look after himself just fine,” he assured Jonas, “why do you call him Luigi?”</p><p>“Because he’s Italian,” Jonas said, prodding at Matteo.</p><p>“Matteo is an Italian name though,” David said, frowning slightly in his confusion.</p><p>“I don’t even know why it started, Mario Kart maybe?” Jonas guessed.</p><p>“Nah Super Mario Bros,” Matteo said, “I dunno it just stuck, he never ever calls me Matteo unless he’s mad at me,” he told them.</p><p>“Is that often?” David asked.</p><p>Jonas sat up and shook his head enthusiastically. “No, what the hell? When am I ever mad at you?” he demanded.</p><p>“You went off at me in computer class last month,” Matteo said calmly.</p><p>“When you put naughty pictures on my screen then disabled the mouse you mean?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“It was David’s idea,” Matteo said.</p><p>Now it was David’s turn to sit up, both of them leaning over Matteo who was unfazed. </p><p>“It was not. I just said you should use your computer tricks on Jonas instead of me,” David clarified.</p><p>“And I did,” Matteo said, reaching up and pulling David back down. </p><p>David let him, but turned so he was looking at Jonas.</p><p>“Jonas he literally designed some stupid program so that whenever I start a movie, five minutes in this little siren comes up on the screen that says ‘pretentious movie alert!’. This literally happens unless I play Shrek,” he told him, laughing at the memory. </p><p>He remembered when he’d done it; it was supposed to look like his computer had been infected, but David had known immediately that it was him. He still hadn’t fixed it either, the little message went away after about a minute but still it was annoying. He’d pounced on Matteo, threatened him, cajoled him all to no avail, he refused to fix it. He said it was just the truth and that David had to accept it. David let Matteo get his way an awful lot. In fairness, he made Matteo watch a lot of movies.</p><p>“Oh my god, that’s brilliant,” Jonas said, laying back down.</p><p>“And bear in mind all my movies are on a separate hard drive,” David told him.</p><p>“What does that have to do with it?” Matteo asked, frowning at him.</p><p>“Well you went in and edited all the movies,” David said.</p><p>“No? I edited the video player, it’s freeware, so it’s editable. Remember, I got it for you? I built a separate one and then put a database in it that had all the pretentious movies and then when you play them the alert comes up. It’s a very useful feature,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Fuck off Matteo,” David said, reaching out to hit him. “And seriously there are better movies than fucking Sharknado!”</p><p>“Love Sharknado,” Matteo mumbled. He didn’t. David swore all the movies he supposedly loved were just ones David said were trash. Matteo didn’t really like movies at all, got bored too easily, although he did have a soft spot for animation, which was good because David loved it too.</p><p>“That’s kind of clever,” Jonas said.</p><p>“And to be clear I got you all those movies,” Matteo reminded him.</p><p>“Stole them,” David said.</p><p>“Thought that counts though.”</p><p>“Maybe you should use those computer powers for good rather than pranks,” David suggested.</p><p>“Imagine if he used them for evil, you would be an evil genius,” Jonas said.</p><p>“I would never,” Matteo argued.</p><p>“Well I’m glad I’m on your side, regardless,” David said.</p><p>“So Matteo, are me and David allowed to be friends now?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“Yeah I guess,” Matteo mumbled, shifting closer to David.</p><p>“Honestly, David he literally talks about you all the time, and then I’m like ‘so can I meet David yet?’ And it’s always no, you are so bad at sharing dude,” Jonas teased but Matteo looked unhappy.</p><p>“Didn’t…”</p><p>“What’s wrong?” David whispered, so only Matteo could hear.</p><p>“Didn’t want you to like Jonas more, it’s dumb,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Not dumb and not possible,” David promised. </p><p>Matteo’s smile was blinding then. “Ok Jonas you two can be friends,” he said.</p><p>“Awesome, I think you might be the coolest guy I’ve ever met,” Jonas said.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Told you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah like Matteo’s already told me everything about you. Seriously so cool. You can box, play football, draw, you like such cool movies. You are so cool,” he said, genuine awe in his voice.</p><p>David blushed and Matteo prodded his cheeks, smiling at him. He realised they really thought that about him. That he was cool. He’d never known kids think of him this way, the kids at his school certainly didn’t see him like that. But he preferred Jonas and Matteo’s opinion anyway.</p><p>“What do you do at your grandma’s house?” David asked.</p><p>“Nothing now Luigi won’t come,” Jonas complained.</p><p>“I have to stay, I have responsibilities,” Matteo said. He didn’t sound put out by it either, he loved his mum very much.</p><p>“No, I get it. But it’s nice out there, my cousins live there, we just hang out, rural stuff, biking, camping, that sort of thing,” Jonas said.</p><p>“We should do that,” Matteo suggested.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Camping, we can do it in the garden. I have a tent in the garage,” Matteo said.</p><p>That sounded so much fun, David would love that. Just the two of them out in the garden like it was their own little world. Staying up late and sneaking out of the tent to watch the stars. Talking by torchlight, it sounded wonderful.</p><p>“Next year I can stay home, maybe if your mama will let you out of the house we can all go,” Jonas teased.</p><p>“Fuck off Jonas, I’m out of the house right now,” Matteo grumbled. It was a very sensitive topic for him.</p><p>“Oh yeah, how come?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“I was staying at David’s,” Matteo said quietly, still hurt by the joke.</p><p>“Sorry man I didn’t mean to tease,” Jonas said, genuinely apologetic.</p><p>“It’s alright she is overprotective, it’s ’cause I’m precious,” Matteo said, smiling again.</p><p>“You are so precious,” David said. It was meant to sound teasing but even to his ears it sounded fond. To Jonas too, if the way he was looking at him was anything to go by. If David had to describe it, he would say Jonas looked like he knew something David didn’t, but he didn’t say anything, just smiled. David looked away feeling a bit weird. Suddenly unsure. </p><p>Jonas didn’t comment, just continued to tell them about his cousins and the little town where they all lived. </p><p>David closed his eyes and laid his head on Matteo’s shoulder, just listening. It sounded nice, sounded like his godmother’s place. He liked it out there. He was too much of a city kid to ever live out there but it would be nice to go visit for the summer, perhaps take Matteo to meet her. She would love him and they could go on adventures like Jonas was talking about, riding their bikes, climbing trees, that sort of thing. </p><p> </p><p>Later back in Matteo’s room, when it was just the two of them, Matteo told him he could take his hoodie off if he wanted to. He did want to; he was beyond overheated now, but he couldn’t, he felt too vulnerable today after seeing Jonas shirtless. </p><p>He told Matteo as much, his voice just a whisper. Matteo just nodded and pushed him onto the bed. Pulled back the covers and gestured for him to get under them. He closed his eyes while David took off his hoodie and helped him carefully cover himself over with the duvet. </p><p>He closed the curtains to keep the room cool and dark then lay down beside him. That felt good. It was completely stupid, but it was comfortable for him. He was invisible but not quite. His face was visible enough to talk to Matteo but no more of him could be seen. They were close but not yet touching. David felt safe. </p><p>Matteo’s duvet was special, weighted, heavy and crushing, the pressure helped him calm down at night. The bedding that covered it was a soft cooling material so Matteo could use it in the summer. Right now it felt so good. He should be boiling but he wasn’t, he was comfortable.  </p><p>Matteo reached out and David nodded, allowing him to touch him.</p><p>“I wish I could help you, take away your pain,” Matteo whispered, settling down, so he was half on top of him. It felt so good, being crushed like this, he finally understood why Matteo needed it so much. There was no way Matteo could feel anything through the blanket. His weight combined with the weight of the blanket was the perfect amount of pressure to ease the tension that had been thrumming through his body for hours. </p><p>They were nose to nose laying like that, Matteo’s breath tickling his face, making him shiver. He couldn’t pull back tightly wrapped like he was. He should feel trapped, but he didn’t. He felt relaxed and safe.</p><p>“How would you take it away if you could?” David asked.</p><p>“Dunno give you my body?” Matteo suggested.</p><p>David scoffed. “My dysphoria is not <em>that</em> bad,” he said.</p><p>He could always make jokes with Matteo, knew he wouldn’t see it as something to reduce how serious his pain was, but just a way of coping.</p><p>“Hey!” Matteo said, knocking his forehead gently against David’s. “How could I take it away, if I could, what should I do?”</p><p>“Make them go, make it stop, make me change back, make me change right,” David said, closing his eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he whispered.</p><p>“I know you would if you could,” David said.</p><p>“I promise I absolutely would,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Do you still see me as a boy?” David asked. He asked this a lot, Matteo never tired of answering.</p><p>“Yes. And I always will. Or not always I suppose. When you’re in your twenties it would be a bit weird, we’ll be grown ups then,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Practically old men,” David agreed. “I’ll have a beard I think, if I can grow one.” </p><p>He thought he should be able to, his hair was dark and fairly thick, it wouldn’t take much more to get it growing. It was one thing that cheered him up, already the light covering of hair he had on his limbs was dark and would probably get darker. It was a fortune of his ethnicity that he saw as a blessing. His mum had dark hair on her arms and would have the same on her legs if she allowed it to grow. David hoped for the same.</p><p>“I think I’d look weird with a beard,” Matteo said.</p><p>David giggled at the idea, couldn’t help it. In fairness, he couldn’t even imagine Matteo growing up. All he was picturing was Matteo’s boyish face with a massive bushy beard.</p><p>“Do you shave?” David asked.</p><p>“No,” Matteo said, frowning slightly.</p><p>David reached out and stroked his face, it was still soft, there was nothing there yet. Plus his hair may have been darker now, but he was blond, David had seen his baby pictures. He didn’t know how that would affect Matteo’s beard. The fine blond hairs on his legs were darkening but not on his arms. </p><p>David liked to note these things, commented on it sometimes to check it wasn’t weird. Matteo didn’t mind, he said he felt a little scrutinised in David’s quest to understand puberty but it didn’t bother him.</p><p>“Do you know how? To shave?”</p><p>“I think so,” Matteo said, “my dad showed me once, when he liked me more, when I was younger,” he said.</p><p>David squeezed his face until he smiled. “My dad will probably show you again, if you like,” he said.</p><p>David’s dad liked Matteo, David believed it was simply because he was David’s friend, because he was somebody who understood him. He liked him because he didn’t like the idea of his son not having friends. Plus Matteo was charming when he wanted to be. </p><p>David figured that if he got his dad to show Matteo, then hopefully he’d at least let him watch.</p><p>“Yeah, maybe,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’ll be a good few years yet,” David said.</p><p>“Oh fuck off,” Matteo said. “How will I know when?” he asked.</p><p>“I think when you start getting hair here,” David said, stroking his chin again, “it takes time to fill in, I think. It might not for years,” he said.</p><p>It was funny, he could imagine himself growing a beard, growing up and looking older, but not Matteo. He still had such a baby face, full pink cheeks and soft curls. It was a cute look, and how he got away with so much. David couldn’t picture that changing anytime soon, although he knew he would eventually.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“Do you think Jonas saw me as a boy?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes? I… I think yes but it’s hard to see you as anyone else, I don’t… I really struggle to imagine how others might see you, even you,” he said.</p><p>Matteo had explained this before, it was hard for him to picture David the way he saw himself. He believed David every time he said he was struggling, but he found it difficult to reassure him by just saying it was fine. Because to him he didn’t see David differently and when David explained what he was seeing Matteo didn’t get it. When David pointed out things that he saw in himself as typically female, Matteo would always frown in confusion. He didn’t get what face shape or his hips had to do with anything. David thought they might be too young right now for him to see it.</p><p>“Maybe he did then, but he won’t for long, none of you will. I’m changing so much Matteo, it hurts, it hurts so badly. Soon fucking massive hoodies aren’t going to change a thing and god there’s even worse stuff to come,” David whispered.</p><p>Matteo reached out and stroked his face, wiping away his tears.</p><p>“Ok yes I think the next three years are going to be very hard,” he agreed, “but you will get to sixteen, I’ll be with you every step of the way. And then you will get testosterone and you get to go through all the fun changes that I’m going through,” he promised him sincerely.</p><p>He sounded like he had no idea why he would want to do it to himself. David didn’t really get that, but then he didn’t even think Matteo was going through any changes yet.</p><p>“Are you?” he asked.</p><p>Matteo didn’t look any different to David, he was a little taller but only to match David’s own growth spurt that year. Right now to him they both looked like kids, like the young boys they were. He desperately wanted to hold on to that for as long as possible.</p><p>“Funny,” Matteo muttered, “yes actually but nothing visible to you, you won’t even get some of <em>those </em>changes, not the same way.”</p><p>David giggled at his pink cheeks, knowing exactly what he meant now. Maybe it should make him uncomfortable but it didn’t, not from Matteo. “Bodies are weird,” he said.</p><p>“So fucking weird,” Matteo agreed, sighing and closing his eyes.</p><p>David did the same. His discomfort had faded, his dysphoria held at bay again. Laying there under the blankets, his best friend beside him, he was ok. He was calm. And it had been wonderful to meet Jonas, he was so kind. David knew they were going to become good friends, and with Jonas would come even more friends. He was so excited. Jonas was going away for the summer, so David got Matteo all to himself but he knew that they weren’t going to be summer friends. They were going to be real friends. </p><p>For a long time, David thought he couldn’t make friends, thought it wasn’t worth it because they’d just leave. But Matteo knew him and stayed. Jonas was so laid back he’d never even need to know. Having these two made the risk worth it, he could make friends and if they left, he would always have Matteo, Jonas too probably.</p><p>For the first time, he was considering correcting the boys who sat with him at lunch. Maybe they would laugh at him and leave him. Maybe they wouldn’t, maybe they would learn to be better and they could be friends. David knew he deserved to surround himself with good people, those who saw him correctly and loved him. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Up next:</p><p>troubles at boxing, a surprising confidant in Marco, and the start of some tension between the boys</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He was found out, he was caught, he was terrified. How did he ever think he was going to get away with <em>boxing</em> of all things? Now the best outcome was that he got to leave quietly, he didn't even want to imagine the worst. </p><p>But perhaps he should have had a little more faith in people, sometimes they were surprising.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one is a bit of and angsty one so fair warning David gets pretty dysphoric in this one, similar to how he was the previous chapter but there's anxiety too this time. But he's ok, like the summary says, people can be surprising.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Now that Matteo was in the teen choir, he couldn’t watch David boxing anymore because his practice was now at the same time as David’s. This was something that upset Matteo greatly. He loved coming along to boxing and it worried him that David wouldn’t be able to box without him there, without his constant cheerleading. </p><p>David missed his running commentary, but boxing was still a lot of fun. He was good enough to cope without Matteo. He’d learnt not to express that though, pretended it was just dreadful without Matteo there, that he could barely box, that he was so lonely without him. Matteo knew he was teasing, but it always made him smile. </p><p>But it upset David too, because of their clashing schedules he couldn’t sneak into choir practice and watch Matteo sing anymore. And Matteo, being the asshole he was, refused to sing for just him, got all embarrassed whenever David asked him to. It was all incredibly unfair. They were several weeks into the summer holidays now and he’d heard Matteo sing maybe one song and it was for his mum, not for David, he just happened to be there. David had to get by on snippets of songs when Matteo was cooking or distracted. </p><p>Sometimes when he was playing a video game or reading and there was music playing, he would sing along without realising it. How was David supposed to cope with that?</p><p>So now David boxed without Matteo, but it was fine really. It was a lot of fun and he still loved it. And he had started alone. He managed almost a whole hour by himself last year. </p><p>But it was different now anyway. Everyone liked him. He’d been so nervous of the other boys at first, but since sparring with Simon that first time, he realised they weren’t scary. They were older but if he was honest they were mostly losers, outcasts just like him. He loved it there and felt like he fit in with all of them. He was brave enough to talk to them nowadays. He got on with all of them, even though he knew that they saw him as a little kid. </p><p>All the boys were almost protective of him, in a brotherly way, and David loved it. They were friends even. He was in their group chat, but he knew they had another one. They’d created this one just for him. They went to the other one to talk about stuff they thought he was too young to hear. But still he enjoyed being in it, even if it was all kid-friendly. </p><p>The other day his dad had asked him why his phone bill was going up again. It had done almost immediately when he’d exchanged numbers with Matteo last year. And then again after joining this group chat, plus another one with Jonas and Matteo, called the three musketeers. Matteo had named it that. He was into reading old classics at the moment. Then there was the other group chat, with Jonas and Matteo’s friends from school. Jonas had added him literally the day after he’d met him. So he’d chatted at length with these other boys, Carlos and Abdi, even though they hadn’t met yet. They were very dumb but nice boys and David loved them already. He thought he was getting pretty good at making friends.</p><p>The group chats were very silly, but he liked it, liked being part of something. But none of that compared to how much he texted Matteo. Three times in the first week of school he’d had his phone confiscated for texting. They had notified his mum the third time, and she’d asked him if it was really necessary for him to be in contact with Matteo twenty-four-seven. But the thing was, it <em>was</em> essential in those first few weeks of school. </p><p>Because the moment he got there, Matteo stopped talking, got too overwhelmed with it all, didn’t talk to anyone but him, Jonas, and his mum for days. And that was barely more than a few words mumbled here or there. Sure Jonas was keeping an eye on him but David was better at calming him down, would sneak out of class and hide in the bathroom just to talk him down when he was panicking. </p><p>He’d explained all of that to his mum. She understood, but she reminded him he had to go to class and could he please keep it to breaks as much as possible. </p><p>That was hard. He felt like he was abandoning Matteo. At the same time, as his mum explained, if Matteo only talked to him, he would never talk to anyone else. That would be harder for him. So David stopped skipping class to phone Matteo. He never stopped texting though, just got better at being sneaky. And Matteo eventually started talking again as he got used to the new way of things. Slowly, he started to trust his teachers. They all loved him, just like David had expected.</p><p>David’s teachers did not love him, they didn’t even like him. At best they ignored him, at worst they were passive-aggressive, called him by his birth name, called him she or her. Every time they did, it made his classmates giggle. But every time he told his mum, she called in and complained. Just knowing she had his back was such a great relief. And eventually, they realised she would not stop complaining, and it was reflecting badly on them as a school. So they started to try. By Christmas, his regular teachers were addressing him correctly. Every time he got a new one they fucked up, but after a few goes, they mostly got it right. </p><p>The kids on the other hand, were not so easy. He was mostly left alone, but the few that had transferred with him from primary gave him grief, called him names. Shit like that. It was painful every time, but what got him through was the fact he did have friends. He was liked and seen correctly by Matteo, by the older kids at boxing. </p><p>Every time one of the kids at school misgendered him, he just imagined punching them in the face, how shocked they’d be, how scared of him they’d be.</p><p>He didn’t want to be scary to most, but one day he was going to snap, he would beat the crap out of those boys and then they would be terrified. He knew he could; he was strong, even when he didn’t win at boxing he put up a good fight. And these bullies? They were not fighters; they were all talk. He would crush them and make them sorry.</p><p>Plus he had Laura too. She was in a completely different part of the school but he knew if he needed her she would be there in a flash. Sometimes he even sat with her and her friends for lunch. They all loved him, even though they thought he was a baby. That helped, he had her for one more year before she went off to university. And some of her friends would be there for a year after she left. He knew they would look out for him too.</p><p>Laura always calmly reminded him, when he came home complaining about the other boys, that one day he was going to be brilliant, amazing, and successful and he would leave all of them in his wake. He believed her on that. Yes things were tough right now, but he knew his future was good. A year ago he wouldn’t have believed it, but so much had changed and he was starting to trust it again.</p><p>As usual, he was sparring with Simon. The older boy had just asked David if he wanted to come with them to the park after practice. Apparently, they all went there to watch girls. David knew this was probably what he was missing from the other group chat, or at least a watered-down version. </p><p>Simon had laughed when he’d seen whatever expression David was pulling. It probably was one of mild confusion and disinterest. David didn’t want to go to the park and look at girls, he wanted to go back to Matteo’s and play video games. He’d told Simon as much, and he’d laughed even more. He told him that one day he’d get it. David wasn’t sure, but he had just shrugged and told Simon to keep his head in the ring, that girls were clearly too much of a distraction for him.</p><p>Simon thumped him hard for that and they got into it, started really going for it. Simon was careful with him because he was smaller, but he never pulled his punches. David didn't need him to, he was good; he was quick and strong.</p><p>David was really getting into it, really going for it, landing all his punches. He had Simon backed into the corner when Marco called him aside. David paused for a moment to catch his breath, then jumped out of the ring. He stopped again as he realised how dizzy he was getting. He took another deep breath and went over to the benches where Marco was sitting. David joined him carefully, trying not to make it obvious that something was wrong.</p><p>“Doing ok David?” Marco asked gently.</p><p>“Yeah, good,” David said, frowning at the man. He was fine, in top form, just a little dizzy, that was all. In fact, he was probably getting good enough to compete soon, if only he was allowed. He’d have to come up with an excuse when the time came. But still, he was good.</p><p>“Not too warm?”</p><p>David winced and his heart sank, he was going to be found out. Marco knew, of course he did. It was boiling in the room and there he was in a big thick hoodie. It was painfully obvious he was hiding something. How could he have been so foolish?</p><p>“Nah, I’m fine,” he insisted. He didn't want to leave, he just wanted Marco to drop it, let him get back to the ring. He tried to get up, but Marco pulled him back.</p><p>“David, it’s at least thirty degrees in here,” Marco said, nodding at the rickety old fans that were struggling to circulate air through the room.</p><p>“I can’t, I can’t take it off,” David whispered, shaking with his fear, he pulled the hoodie tighter around himself. Marco was looking at him now, and he needed to hide.</p><p>Marco stared at him for a long time. “Take it off,” he said again, still gentle. Then he passed David his own hoodie, which was hanging on the wall. It was a zip-up one, grey and thinner, lightweight. But it was big enough to hide in.</p><p>David swapped it over while Marco stared straight ahead to give him privacy. It was a lot lighter, but baggy enough that he couldn’t be seen sitting there like he was. He was still shapeless. He took a deep breath and relaxed a little.</p><p>“Better?”</p><p>“Yes, a little,” David said.</p><p>“The moment you get too hot, you gotta stop. I need you to drink twice as much as you think you need to or you're gonna lose half your body weight in sweat,” Marco warned.</p><p>“Ok,” David said, taking the bottle he offered and drinking from it gratefully. He gulped it down, realising just how overheated, how dehydrated he’d been. When he was done Marco took the empty bottle from him and David took another one he offered him. This one he drank slower, feeling himself cooling down.</p><p>“Can I go?” he asked Marco hopefully.</p><p>He prayed that Marco just thought he was weird. That he would let him get back to boxing without another word.</p><p>“Not yet,” Marco said.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“You wanna tell me about anything?” Marco asked gently.</p><p>“No,” David said, squeezing his eyes closed and trying not to cry. He knew he was found out, Marco knew, he could tell.</p><p>“David,” Marco said. He was being so kind, so patient. </p><p>David knew he had no choice here, he wasn’t getting away with this but he tried so hard to fight it. He didn't want to leave, but it didn’t matter how kind Marco was about the whole thing, he wouldn’t allow him to stay.</p><p>“I… does it matter?”</p><p>“No, not like you think, but I’d like to know, if you’ll tell me,” Marco said.</p><p>David sat there, shaking quietly as he tried to work up the courage to tell him. Marco just waited quietly, not saying a word, not pushing at all.</p><p>“I… I’m trans, I have to hide my chest,” David whispered, curling up tight, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to hide away, not wanting to see whatever look was on Marco’s face.</p><p>“Don’t do that,” Marco said, placing a hand on his back, forcing him back to sitting up straight. “Don’t make yourself smaller, you’re such a big person, such a big personality, don’t hunch like that.”</p><p>“You’re not freaking out,” David said, just staring at him. He couldn’t help it. This was the best reaction he’d had from an adult so far. Even his godmother who’d tried her best had still been shocked, still asked him if he was sure. Marco hadn’t even blinked.</p><p>“No, should I?” Marco asked, slightly amused.</p><p>David didn’t understand any of this. People were so confusing. His mother, who should’ve got him straight away, should’ve loved him as her son, had reacted so badly. Yet this guy, this tough boxer guy, who still intimidated David a little, just accepted it straightaway? There was no change in his expression at all, he didn’t seem shocked or weirded out at all. Wasn’t even acting like it was worthy of attention. That was exactly what David wanted, this was just a fact about him, it didn’t affect anyone else; they didn’t need to worry about it.</p><p>“This is boxing, you’re a boxer, don’t you want to kick me out? Yell at me? Tell me I’m disgusting?” David asked him.</p><p>“I don’t want to do any of that. I want you to stay here and box, I know it’s not going to be what you do forever, you’re clever, you're an artist I know, but I honestly want you to fight for me, even do competitions for us,” Marco said.</p><p>That would be so amazing, but he knew he never could. Knew he’d never get that chance with all the stupid rules there were about these things. Knew he wouldn't be able to compete with the boys, knew he couldn’t compete with the girls either, though that would be what they suggested. It was all so unfair.</p><p>“I can’t,” David said.</p><p>“No, you probably can’t, but it’s what I want for you, don't doubt that,” Marco said. “If you wanted to, if you wanted me to fight so you could, I would.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because you’re good, really good, because I think you can do it,” Marco said earnestly.</p><p>“Are you trans?” David asked. It just slipped out. It was rude of him to ask, but he didn’t think Marco would mind the question. He just couldn’t understand why he was so cool about all this.</p><p>“No. But my boyfriend is,” he said, bumping their shoulders together.</p><p>“Oh,” David whispered.</p><p>“So? Would you like to meet him? I told him about you after you almost fainted last week. I was worried because you wouldn’t take off the hoodie, I thought maybe it was bruises or you’d hurt yourself. Frankie asked me to tell him about you and then I just remembered exactly how he was when we were kids and it gave me another idea. He agreed but told me not to ask you, just let you know it was ok to tell me,” Marco explained.</p><p>David wanted to cry with relief. That had been the perfect approach because of course this Frankie guy got it. He couldn’t have handled it if Marco asked him outright, but this way, it gave him the space to explain himself. It was scary, but at the same time, telling Marco had been such a relief.</p><p>And the idea of meeting someone like him, someone who got it, he needed that. He talked to people online a lot, but to have someone real, an adult that truly got him would be wonderful.</p><p>“Ok yes please. I’d really like to meet him,” David said eagerly.</p><p>“I’ll bring him along next week,” Marco said.</p><p>“Thank you so much. So you’re gay?” David asked because apparently today was a day for invasive questions. But he suddenly felt so comfortable around Marco, felt he could ask him anything, tell him anything. He trusted him. The last of the intimidation vanished, not because Marco had a trans boyfriend, but because he saw him correctly. He’d had his suspicions but had approached David gently and had given him space to speak.</p><p>“I am,” Marco said.</p><p>“And a boxer?”</p><p>“Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive,” Marco reminded him.</p><p>David nodded.</p><p>“Is Frankie gay too?”</p><p>“Yes David,” Marco said patiently. He seemed pretty amused by this whole thing. David must seem so young to him.</p><p>“I think I might like boys,” David admitted. He hadn’t even told Matteo that yet, or Laura, but he wanted Marco to know. Marco got it.</p><p>“Doesn’t make you any less of a boy,” Marco said. </p><p>“Does Frankie look like a boy? Does he pass?” he asked. He had so many questions, he wanted to know everything.</p><p>“Frankie looks like a man on account of him being twenty-four, he looks younger than me but not that young. But he passes, yes,” Marco said.</p><p>“When did he start testosterone?” David asked.</p><p>“Sixteen and I get it, why you’re asking but I think you should ask him these questions, I know you’re eager but I don’t like to speak for him,” Marco said.</p><p>Oh, Marco was wonderful.</p><p>“Ok, I will, thank you,” David said. “Marco…”</p><p>“Nothing was obvious, there’s nothing about you that suggests anything, other than the fact you’re wearing a hoodie in the middle of summer. But I know you don’t have any other options. I’m not going to make you take it off,” he promised.</p><p>“Thank you,” David whispered.</p><p>Marco threw an arm around his shoulder and David leant against him, completely overwhelmed with emotion. He got to stay and box for Marco, as himself. No secrets now. He hadn’t realised how much energy it had been costing him, holding onto that. Now Marco knew, and he wasn’t going to kick him out. He was going to help him. It was such a relief. He was too emotional to continue boxing today, felt wiped out from that entire conversation. It had gone well, but he was suddenly exhausted.</p><p>“Uh oh, what’s up with him?” Marco said, nodding to Matteo who’d just stormed into the room.</p><p>He marched up to them and collapsed on the floor by David's feet.</p><p>“What’s up Matteo?” Marco asked.</p><p>“They kicked me out, my own mama sent me away!” Matteo said, voice cracking.</p><p>That had been happening a lot lately, every now and then his voice would crack or go weirdly deep. It had been funny at first, but lately David had found it kind of annoying, which wasn’t fair to Matteo at all.</p><p>“She kicked you out?” Marco said, astounded. </p><p>David got why he was so surprised. There was no way Matteo’s mum would kick her little angel out of practice.</p><p>“Ok fine, I stropped off. But I can’t hold the notes, it’s not fair,” Matteo said, leaning against David’s legs.</p><p>David knew he wanted him to comfort him, pacify him. He couldn’t though.</p><p>David didn’t get it at all, why he wasn’t happy about this, why he complained about it constantly. Matteo had no idea how lucky he was. What wasn’t fair was that David didn’t get this yet and here was Matteo wishing he could stop his deeper voice coming in. He felt irrationally angry, but he tried to stay calm. He may be annoyed with Matteo, but he didn’t want to be mean to him.</p><p>“It’ll even out,” Marco said, thumping him on the shoulder.</p><p>“It’s not fair,” Matteo whined again.</p><p>He had no idea of what was fair. This was one of the things David had always worried about, the changes Matteo got to experience that he didn’t. He knew it was going to be tough, but he hadn’t expected himself to get this frustrated with Matteo. </p><p>He knew it wasn’t just because of the changes themselves, but the fact that Matteo was complaining about them, wasn’t grateful for them. That made it worse. He knew that wasn’t fair either and he should just talk to Matteo, but he was too grumpy and irrational right now. He was vulnerable from his earlier conversation with Marco, and now this. </p><p>“Are you still warm?” Marco checked.</p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>He was too warm, and he felt sick too. He wasn’t sure if it was Matteo or the heat that was making him feel this way. He thought it might be Matteo and the jealousy he felt. He didn’t like feeling unsure about Matteo. He was his best friend, and he didn’t like not being able to tell him this stuff, but yet he couldn’t and it was making him feel ill.</p><p>“Go home, cool down, I’ll ask Frankie and we’ll figure something out,” Marco said.</p><p>“You coming back to mine?” Matteo asked, as they got up and headed to the door.</p><p>David shrugged, he didn’t want to be around Matteo right now. He would just end up snapping at him. He needed to put some distance between them for a bit, just until he calmed down.</p><p>“Gonna go home, I don’t feel well,” he said.</p><p>“I’ll come with you,” Matteo said, looking at him worriedly.</p><p>“No thank you, I’m tired, I’m just going to go rest,” he said, trying to ignore the look of hurt on Matteo’s face. </p><p>Matteo liked to care for people, it came naturally to him, of course he wanted to come along if he thought David was ill. David had never pushed him away before, not since he’d told him everything. There’d never been any need, so this must hurt, to suddenly be dismissed. David could be cold, he knew he could, but Matteo had never seen that, had never gotten anything but warmth from him.</p><p>“David,” he whispered.</p><p>David thought he really might cry. </p><p>Matteo knew, knew he was upset with him, it was probably written all over David’s face. He was never good at hiding his emotions. David knew now that he was the one who was being unfair, but he couldn’t be around Matteo right now, not when he was squandering the changes he so desperately wanted.</p><p>“Just give me space Matteo, I just need space,” David insisted.</p><p>Matteo nodded sadly, so confused. He reached out for a hug but dropped his arms when David just stepped back from him.</p><p>“Let me know you got home ok,” he said quietly.</p><p>“Fine,” David said, walking away from him.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>He turned around and wished he hadn’t, Matteo was standing there looking absolutely crushed.</p><p>“Whatever I did, I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>David just nodded and ran off before he gave in and grabbed Matteo. He knew he was making a terrible mistake, but he couldn't take it. If he stayed he’d hurt him so much worse. </p><p>He ran straight to the bus stop and jumped on the first one that came. </p><p>He managed to get all the way home without getting upset, but the moment he was in his room, all alone, without Matteo, he burst into tears. He collapsed on his bed and sobbed.</p><p>What had he done? </p><p>He’d just destroyed everything, hurt the one person he swore he’d never hurt, over something that wasn’t even his fault. Now he was sad and lonely, and all he wanted was for his best friend to comfort him. And he’d blown that, hadn’t he? There was no chance he would get that again, not that he deserved it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know, I know, that hurt. It makes me sad too, I nearly cried when I wrote that last part, it was heavy. You can yell at me if you like, but it will be ok, I promise.</p><p>Next time:</p><p>Reconciliation, voice training, and finally Matteo sings just for David</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David had spent most of his childhood lonely and friendless. He should've been used to it by now, but two days without Matteo and he's the most miserable he's ever been. He'd stayed away because it hurt to see Matteo changing, and he didn't want to lash out and hurt his friend. But he couldn't do this, couldn't be without him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David never texted Matteo when he finally got home like he promised he would. He didn’t text him hours later when he messaged asking if he was ok. Nor did he message him the next day when Matteo asked him again what he’d done wrong.</p><p>As painful as it was he ignored him, ignored Laura, ignored his parents. </p><p>Laura assumed he was just being a moody teenager, she knew it was some kind of drama between him and Matteo but when she pressed he told her to get lost. She’d just rolled her eyes and left him to his moping. His parents were used to the silent treatment, but they both still tentatively tried to check if he was ok. He wasn’t ok; he was hurting, but he wasn’t quite sure why anymore. He just told them he was sad and wanted to be left alone. His mum took that to mean he wanted her to bother him as much as possible, constantly coming into his room to check on him, but deep down he appreciated it.</p><p>Matteo was hurting him, and it wasn’t even his fault. He was just growing up. David had always known it would happen but suddenly it was all the more real and it hurt a lot more than he was expecting. But not being around Matteo hurt too. He didn’t know what to do; he didn’t know how to solve this. But he knew it involved him apologising.</p><p>It took two days. Two days of him being completely miserable, two days of ignoring Matteo until he caved. He knew now that staying away from Matteo was not the answer. No matter how jealous he got, no matter if they ever fought again, this was not the answer. He’d never been miserable and lonely like this before.</p><p>So he got back on the bus and dragged himself across town, desperately sorry and missing his best friend. </p><p>When he got there, it was Matteo’s father who answered the door, on his way out somewhere, looking angry as usual. David rarely saw Berto, it was usually Sophie who let him in. The man just let David in without a word, which was normal, he rarely spoke to him. But this time he turned back to him, taking David by surprise.</p><p>“Tell that boy to drag his lazy ass out of bed and start doing shit around the house, it’s an absolute tip. That kid is gonna end up like his mother, two days he’s been in bed now, I didn’t raise a lazy boy,” he said, shaking his head and marching off.</p><p>David clenched his fists to stay calm but his blood was boiling. He’d never wanted to hit someone more than this man. But he knew he couldn’t, he’d be forbidden from ever seeing Matteo if he did. He needed to stay calm; he needed to see Matteo, so he just shook his head and watched the man walk off. When he was gone, David went in and ran up the stairs. He didn’t even knock when he got to Matteo’s door, he just barged into his room. </p><p>What he saw made him want to cry. Matteo was curled up in the bed facing away from him so David climbed into the bed behind him, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close. This happened to Matteo sometimes but this time it was his fault. Matteo trembled in his arms so David held him tight.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” David whispered.</p><p>“What did I do wrong?” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“Nothing, nothing at all. I freaked out,” David said.</p><p>He needed to explain what he thought Matteo had done wrong but that it was just in his head. It wasn’t Matteo’s fault at all; he knew that now. He’d always known that.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I got upset because your voice is changing, you’re growing and you’re going to leave me behind,” David said. “I stayed away because I didn’t want to be mean to you.”</p><p>He hated all the changes he was going through; they were his greatest source of pain. But the idea of Matteo leaving him behind was a close second.</p><p>“No, David-”</p><p>“You will, I can’t change the same, you’ll get bigger and stronger and I’ll stay the same,” David said, eyes heating up as he tried not to cry.</p><p>He was supposed to be comforting Matteo and yet here he was getting upset. Because yeah he was jealous of Matteo but he was also just a bit sad and vulnerable. It had hit him hard the other day. Matteo turned in his arms to face him, immediately ready to comfort him, care for him, take away the pain for a little while.</p><p>“I won’t, I won’t. I’ll never leave you behind David, you’re my best friend. I won’t leave you, I can’t. It hurt so much, these past few days it hurt so badly,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I am so sorry. I was jealous, I get like this sometimes Matteo and I’m so sorry,” David said, trying to hide his face against Matteo’s chest but Matteo wouldn’t let him. He placed a gentle hand on his chin and tilted it towards him.</p><p>“It’s ok, you were in pain too,” Matteo said, forgiving to a fault.</p><p>David was so grateful to have him, so grateful that he got this, that he didn’t think David petty or silly for feeling this way.</p><p>“It hurts that you’re growing up,” David admitted because it was true and he knew Matteo understood why he was upset. </p><p>Also, even though he was supposed to be there apologising, he wanted Matteo to make him feel better. He wanted Matteo to argue with him, to gently remind him of all the things he couldn’t see in himself that Matteo always saw. It didn’t take away any of the dysphoria, but it eased his mind, knowing how Matteo saw him. </p><p>“You’re growing up too though,” Matteo said.</p><p>“The wrong way.”</p><p>“Sometimes, but you’re taller too, and you’re way stronger than me, I don’t think that’s a worry,” Matteo said, tone light enough to make David smile. He always knew what to say.</p><p>“I want my voice to change,” David confessed, almost whining. </p><p>That was the reason for all of these dramatics. Matteo’s voice was changing and his wasn’t. It was one of those things he desperately wanted. Matteo didn’t want his voice to change, and David did.</p><p>“Change it then, just talk deeper,” Matteo said.</p><p>Did he really think it was that simple? That David hadn’t tried everything he could to make it as low as possible? He still sounded exactly the same. He tried not to get frustrated with Matteo; he was just trying to help, but he felt himself getting annoyed. This was why he’d stayed away because he was so quick to anger.</p><p>“I can’t,” he muttered. </p><p>Matteo just frowned at him. “Yeah you can, just like I’m going to keep practising so I can sing the higher notes,” he said.</p><p>“You won’t be able to,” David scoffed, a little meanly. But he was being realistic, Matteo wouldn’t be able to keep singing in the same range, it was impossible.</p><p>“I might-”</p><p>“You won’t,” David insisted. </p><p>He reached out and stopped Matteo from turning around, keeping him facing him. He needed a reality check. He knew he was upsetting him but Matteo needed to face facts.</p><p>“Stop being mean,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“I’m not being mean, you’re being stupid. Your voice is getting deep and you won’t let it, do you know how lucky you are?” </p><p>There was the jealousy again, David hated it, he could see how cruel he was being but he couldn’t stop it. Jealousy made him mean, and he hated it.</p><p>Matteo pulled free of him and sat up. He sang out clearly, something in Latin, probably a hymn. It was familiar, David had heard him sing this before, last year when he used to sneak into Matteo’s practice. He realised how much he missed this, was half tempted to skip out on boxing to watch Matteo sing next week. It really was the most comforting sound he knew.</p><p>His voice was high and clear, it rang out in the room; it was haunting and beautiful and it hit David what he was really going to lose and he felt terrible. Matteo loved to sing, and he was scared he was going to lose it, just like David had lost football last year. These changes were hard, Matteo didn’t have to be happy about them. David realised just how shitty he was being to Matteo. Yes, he was trying to be realistic but Matteo didn’t need that; he needed comforting, just like he always did for David when he struggled.</p><p>Matteo continued to sing, voice wavering until it cracked and went deeper, despite him trying his best to fight it.</p><p>“I have to sing David. If I don’t mama will get sick,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>David suddenly felt cold and ill, he felt awful; he felt worse than mean he felt truly sick now. Matteo really thought that; he really believed that his singing kept his mum happy. That was awful that Matteo would blame himself for his mother getting sick. It wasn’t the case at all, but she was so proud of him, whenever he sang in her choir. Singing was something they shared and to lose that would devastate him. In his fit of jealousy David had forgotten that. To him, Matteo singing was just something he loved to hear. But to Matteo, it was far more important. His mum had taught him to sing. She used to sit in his room and sing to him when he was small and scared of everything. And now he did the same for her.</p><p>Singing was the only way Matteo knew how to take care of her. He didn’t know what else to do. Neither of them did. She loved to hear him sing and to lose that would break both of them.</p><p>David grabbed Matteo and held him tight. He was not turning his back on the changes like David assumed; he was desperately trying to take care of his mother. Trying to hold on to the one thing he had left of when times were happier. Even if he was just ungrateful, that wasn’t for David to judge, that was completely unfair. Change was hard, especially for Matteo. It wasn’t fair for David to expect him to be excited about it. </p><p>Now it was important for David to comfort him, take away this pain the best way he could, just like he knew Matteo would do for him.</p><p>“Sing it again deeper, lower than what you just did,” David suggested gently.</p><p>Matteo stared at him sadly. But he did as he asked and it was different. He was slow to find it but when he hit his new range, his voice resonated. David swore he could feel it in his own chest, reverberating through his body. It carried far better than it did when he sang it high; it was so strong. David realised now just how strong his voice would be, the power his words would have. That quiet power was the best kind of strength and David was in awe of him.</p><p>“I love your voice, I’m just jealous, but I love it. I always feel safe when I hear you sing, it’s beautiful. I liked it high, I did, you sounded like an angel. But I think I like this more, it’s so much stronger, it makes me feel even safer,” David said.</p><p>Matteo smiled then, looking like David had given him the world. He sang it again and David curled against him, pressing his ear to his chest. His voice wavered several times, but David knew he would find it again and he would be a better singer than before once he did.</p><p>When he finished David looked up at him.</p><p>“I can teach you,” Matteo said. “To speak lower, I think it should be the same as singing.”</p><p>“How? I practice all the time,” David said.</p><p>And he did, he watched countless videos, followed dozens of tutorials but nothing he did seemed to have any effect on his voice, the moment he stopped focusing on it it went back to default.</p><p>“Your voice will change too, you know? Not as much but it will get lower and if you work on it, you can make it even deeper. You don’t hear it the same as I do. I think you hear it higher than it is because you’re worried about it. It doesn’t sound girly, it just sounds young,” Matteo said. </p><p>David realised perhaps he should trust him on this. For starters, he was a lot more positive, and it was nice to trust him rather than his own critical voice. Plus, while he knew a lot about voices and the changes that occurred, so did Matteo. It was from a completely different perspective, but maybe he could help. He was a singer; he practised his voice far more than David did, and for longer too. He’d been singing for years. Matteo knew all about range, maybe they could figure something out.</p><p>“This is my voice,” Matteo said, speaking normally.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“But I can make it like this too,” he said, dropping it far lower and making David shiver. “I had to do it sometimes before my voice even started changing, it’s how I go up too. You don’t sing, you don’t know your range, so let’s work it out. You have a comfortable range but you have a range you can work at too, you’ll be able to do it for a few hours at least,” he said.</p><p>“Ok show me,” David said, sitting up properly when Matteo pushed him. He doubted it would make much difference, but he was willing to try. </p><p>“Ok, close your eyes and sing middle C,” Matteo said.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Matteo grinned and sang out a note.</p><p>David just stared at him.</p><p>“Copy me,” Matteo said.</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“God, don’t you know anything?” Matteo teased.</p><p>“I’m not a fucking singer,” David muttered, shoving at him.</p><p>“Ok, but I don’t know how to do it with talking.” Matteo sang the note again and David tried to copy him. When Matteo laughed at him David pushed him off the bed. </p><p>“You are such a pain in the ass,” David said.</p><p>“Ok so you can’t sing-”</p><p>David reached out and clapped a hand over his mouth, but Matteo continued to talk against his hand.</p><p>“Are you done?” Matteo said when he let him go.</p><p>“Ok, teach me oh wise voice coach,” David said.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Let’s try humming, it’s how they teach the little kids,” he told him. </p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Hum in your range, like hmmm?”</p><p>He’d done humming before, had watched countless tutorials, but still, David copied him.</p><p>“Now drop it, I dunno try to hum lower? Relax your voice,” Matteo said, repeating the sound but lower.</p><p>David did. Matteo nodded, pleased.</p><p>“Now again, but do it from your tummy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“From my tummy?” David teased.</p><p>“For fuck's sake, your stomach then. Like low in your chest,” Matteo said, placing a hand over his stomach and taking David’s and putting it on his.</p><p>Matteo hummed and then David did the same, letting the noise come from low in his chest like Matteo had said.</p><p>“Lower,” Matteo said.</p><p>They did it again.</p><p>“Lower?”</p><p>Matteo went lower that time, David didn’t.</p><p>“Ok, so that’s as low as you can go, I can’t go much lower than that,” Matteo assured him. “It’s just whenever I sing low I talk low for like twenty minutes after. It’s only about ten for high. Try it, go really low yeah? Hum low for as long as you can.”</p><p>David repeated the humming. He kept going for longer than he thought he could until Matteo nodded and he stopped to breathe. He knew Matteo could breathe at the same time but he was just a show-off.</p><p>“Ok, now what... oh? Oh, it kinda works,” David said, surprised at the difference it made. It wasn’t a huge change by any means but it was lower. He liked it. Matteo was right, his voice was supposed to get deeper. All the teenagers in his group, boys and girls, were finding their new ranges. His voice would change, just not on the same level as Matteo’s. But maybe if he kept it up, practised properly, didn’t give up when it didn’t work straight away, maybe it would get him through. </p><p>Even if it didn’t sound as deep as he wanted, he still liked the way it sounded, and he enjoyed making it deeper. </p><p>“Yeah?” Matteo checked. </p><p>“Oh thank you,” David said, smiling and collapsing down on the pillows. </p><p>“You should sing, sing the low parts in songs, we can practise together if you like,” Matteo suggested.</p><p>David wasn’t sure that that would work, he was pretty sure he would just be distracted. But it was another thing that he would try. Yeah, it was annoying that he had to work so hard at it, but he could do it, had to trust it was working. Matteo was right he just sounded young, and he was.</p><p>“No problem, can I come up on the bed now?” Matteo asked, scowling up at him from the floor. </p><p>David just smiled back pleasantly. Matteo wouldn’t be on the floor if he could refrain from teasing. </p><p>“Yeah,” he said finally, watching Matteo scramble up onto the bed beside him. “How low does your voice go?” he asked him. </p><p>“I dunno, like this, I guess,” he said, pushing his voice as deep as he could. </p><p>It was deep, quiet but deep, made David shiver and feel a bit strange but in a good way. One day that was how Matteo would speak all the time. Deep and low, but still soft and gentle. It suited him. </p><p>It didn’t upset David anymore; he liked it a lot, would listen to him all the time. He just smiled at Matteo, feeling a little shy, although he didn’t really know why. It was only Matteo; he didn’t need to be shy of him. </p><p>Matteo stared back, looking a little confused, a little embarrassed with the way David was looking at him. He wasn’t upset though; he was smiling shyly. </p><p>“I am sorry for fucking around, for ignoring you that wasn’t fair,” David whispered, pushing Matteo’s hair out of his face. It was greasy and lank. Underneath it he looked exhausted. He really had stayed in bed this whole time but he probably hadn’t slept much. David knew he hadn’t either.</p><p>“It hurt me so bad, but I forgive you. I know you were hurting, but I don’t like when we don’t talk,” Matteo said. </p><p>“I was miserable too, I missed you so much,” David admitted. </p><p>It had been absolutely awful, he’d never missed anyone like that. He’d never gone so long without contacting Matteo in some way and it had left him lost. The jealousy had faded pretty quickly, and all that was left was unbearable sadness.</p><p>“God I missed you. I think I got stuck, I got sad, and I got stuck. Papa was so angry at me,” Matteo whispered. </p><p>David knew that meant yelling. Never had David wanted to kill another person like he did Matteo’s father. Although he thought his mum might just beat him to it. </p><p>Over the past year, their mums had become good friends. Sophie often came over to his when she brought Matteo round. It had been his own mum that convinced Sophie that Matteo was old enough to go out with David, just the two of them. </p><p>They talked a lot, called each other most evenings. His mum seemed to know the ins and outs of Sophie’s marriage and from what he could tell, his mum hated Matteo’s dad with a passion. He knew why; several times Sophie had called the house upset and crying and David had passed the phone to his mum worriedly. He would listen until she shooed him away. </p><p>“I hate him,” David said.</p><p>“I don’t know why he doesn’t like me,” Matteo said sadly.</p><p>David just wrapped him up in his arms.</p><p>“I hate him so much, Matteo. I almost punched him in the face,” he said. “One day I will, I reckon.”</p><p>One day that man would push too hard, hurt Matteo and David would have to punish him. Nobody hurt Matteo and got away with it. </p><p>He was surprised at himself, how much he would defend Matteo, but he was so important to him. He felt so protective of him. He didn’t need protection that much, but his father was this looming darkness over him that David couldn’t allow to hurt his friend much longer.</p><p>“You’re so aggressive,” Matteo mused.</p><p>“Am not!”</p><p>“Are too!”</p><p>“Am not!” David threw him down and climbed on top of him, pinning him down.</p><p>“You’re literally proving my point David,” Matteo said, smiling up at him. </p><p>“Oh yeah,” David said, but he didn’t let him go. He frowned as he tried to figure out how to wipe that smile off Matteo’s face.</p><p>Matteo giggled and squirmed as David began to tickle him.</p><p>“Can we stay in here today?” Matteo asked quietly.</p><p>“Yeah, need to sleep?” David asked.</p><p>“No, I’m awake, let me check on mama, then we can watch movies or something. Something quiet. Have you had breakfast?” he asked.</p><p>David had pretty much left the house as soon as his parents were up. His mum had demanded to know where he was going so early and surprisingly enough he’d told her. He’d said he’d fucked up big time with Matteo and he was going to make it right. </p><p>All she’d said was to mind his language and to make sure he grovelled. Then weirdly she had said he was just like his father, so stubborn the way he’d holed up in his room rather than apologise right away. He’d argued that, told her he’d needed time to process. He swore she’d muttered that he was a typical man under her breath. He knew his dad was bad at apologising; she was right there. Several times he’d shown up sheepishly with a bunch of flowers when he was in the wrong.</p><p>So it had been odd, but she’d just patted him on his shoulder and sent him on his way, told him to make it right.</p><p>“No, I came straight here. Actually, I’m starving Matteo, can we eat?” David asked, knowing Matteo would feed him.</p><p>“Yeah let’s make pancakes, I should have everything,” Matteo said, “then we can stay in here, safe and cosy. Will you let me watch trashy movies?”</p><p>“No, but I’ll let you watch animations,” David offered.</p><p>“So generous,” Matteo said dryly.</p><p>“I’m going to make you so many clever movies when I’m older, and you’ll love them and you won’t get bored at all,” David promised.</p><p>“Yeah what’ll they be about?”</p><p>“You,” David said simply.</p><p>“Me? What about me?”</p><p>“Just you and me, living the best lives possible,” David said. </p><p>That wasn’t really what he was planning to make, but he still liked to imagine both of them in the future, living movie-worthy lives. Wonderful lives.</p><p>“I like that, what will we be doing?” Matteo asked him.</p><p>“We’ll have a little house,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, and it’ll be outside of the city and then I’ll be…”</p><p>“A superhero?” Matteo suggested.</p><p>“Yeah, and you’ll be-”</p><p>“The loser that follows you around,” Matteo said, a little darkly, his mood still not fully lifted.</p><p>“No, you’ll still be my best friend, you’ll be the most important person in my life and so you’ll have to be extra careful because people will want to kidnap you,” David said. “In fact, the movies will just be me rescuing you all the time, and the adventures we get up to. You’re so smart, you’ll be the brains. I won’t be able to be a hero without you.” </p><p>Matteo smiled at that.</p><p>“It’s nice that you know what you want to do, you’ll be so good at it,” he said.</p><p>Matteo always said stuff like that. David’s parents wanted him to get a proper job, something professional they said. Like a doctor or a lawyer, something fancy. He didn’t want that; he wanted to make art. Matteo didn’t have an artist’s eye, but he saw everything David made as amazing, said it with such genuine sincerity every time.</p><p>“Thank you, Matteo,” David said, blushing a little. “Oh! Here, I drew you a picture to say sorry,” David said.</p><p>“Probably should’ve given it to me earlier,” Matteo said dryly.</p><p>“You looked too sad, I got upset, cuddling you seemed more important,” David said.</p><p>Matteo unfolded it and smiled. David had drawn a little cartoon Matteo in his tent in the garden like he’d suggested the other day. Except he was surrounded by lot’s of bright flowers and smiling as he looked at the little cartoon David. Cartoon David was approaching him and looking sheepish, with a speech bubble apologising, <em>sorry for being mean, you’re the best.</em></p><p>Matteo smiled and reached over him to grab the blue tack, then stuck it up on the wall next to the others. There weren’t many apology ones, mostly doodles he’d done while he was at school. David drew them in his notebook and tore them out, ready to give to Matteo as soon as he saw him. The ones on the wall were his favourites, apparently. As were the ones he kept in his wallet. And the ones on the desk in the corner. But there was a box under Matteo’s bed with his absolute favourites. Ones he deemed special enough to hide away and treasure. David didn’t know which ones had made it. He knew a few of them and he could probably figure out the rest. But he liked the idea of it being secret. That Matteo would show him again one day in the future. There was other stuff in there too, old photos and some of his mum’s things. David liked to collect things, objects he saw, good luck charms. Matteo liked to collect memories. David liked that his drawings were part of that.</p><p>“Ok let’s get food, come down with me?” Matteo said, stretching and yawning tiredly.</p><p>Matteo said he could stay awake, but David knew he was going to spend most of the day asleep. David didn’t mind, he could do with a nap too.</p><p>“You go check on your mum, I’ll work out what you need for the pancakes,” David suggested, getting up and pulling Matteo up after him.</p><p>“We can’t make a mess,” Matteo warned quietly.</p><p>“If we do, I’ll tidy up,” David promised.</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>David watched Matteo creep into his mum’s room and then headed downstairs to the kitchen to get the ingredients ready. He grabbed the flour, sugar, and the eggs; then got the butter from the fridge. According to his phone that was all they needed. If he knew what he was doing, he would make a start, but he decided it best to wait for Matteo. It was his kitchen after all.</p><p>After a few minutes, Matteo walked in and immediately frowned at David’s selection of ingredients. He put the sugar back where David had found it and grabbed a different bag from the cupboard.</p><p>“Caster sugar, David,” he said quietly.</p><p>Normally David would tease him at this point for being such a know it all, but the tired tone of his voice just made him want to wrap Matteo up in his arms. So he did, held him tight. Matteo sniffled against his shoulder.</p><p>“She doesn’t really get up at the moment,” he said quietly.</p><p>“No?”</p><p>Matteo pulled back and got to work on the ingredients. “I was like that these past few days,” he said.</p><p>“Yes but… Matteo, she needs your dad to help her. You will always have me, so it will be ok. But we’ll work something out. Your mum needs help and if your dad won’t help she needs another adult,” David insisted.</p><p>He knew Matteo was scared, but they needed to help his mum.</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“Can I just tell my mum? She is really worried,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah, just… yeah. I get scared they’ll take her away,” Matteo mumbled, placing a pan on the hob and adding the butter.</p><p>“Mum won’t tell,” David promised, grabbing him a bowl for the eggs and then filling the sink with soapy water so he could wash everything up immediately. He didn’t want Matteo’s dad shouting them back down; if he even came back. “She just wants to help.”</p><p>“Ok, thank you, but she can’t tell anyone else,” Matteo said, counting the eggs and cracking them into the bowl. David just watched him make the batter and pour it into the pan.</p><p>He went to the cupboard to get some plates for them. </p><p>“Get-”</p><p>“Three, yeah I know Matteo,” he said softly, carrying them over.</p><p>Matteo plated up the pancakes and David took the bowl and the pan from him to wash it up immediately.</p><p>When he was done he took the plate Matteo offered him and they headed upstairs. At Matteo’s door, David took his plate from him and let him go to his mum’s room. </p><p>Sophie didn’t like David seeing her like this and he kind of got it, thought he might have an idea of how it felt. Knew what it was like to want to be hidden, to be invisible.</p><p>He put the plates down on the bed and pulled the curtains closed, flicking on the lamp and grabbing the laptop. He tried to make it as cosy as possible in case Matteo wanted to sleep.</p><p>Matteo came back in a few minutes later, looking absolutely drained. He settled down beside him.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“Movies?” Matteo said, deflecting, but David wouldn’t push. These things took time. They would talk about it when Matteo was ready, not before.</p><p>“Ponyo?”</p><p>Matteo just nodded and settled against David, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. David set up the movie and then wrapped an arm around him tightly. </p><p>“Don’t forget to eat,” he said gently.</p><p>Matteo nodded and smiled weakly, clearly grateful to have David back with him. They ate together quietly, just taking comfort in each other’s presence. David wouldn’t leave him again. It had hurt both of them too much. They needed each other. They both had their problems, their difficulties, but it was so much easier to deal with together. He already felt so much better just being here with Matteo. And while Matteo was upset right now, David knew it had been worse for him while he was away. So he wasn’t going anywhere, by Matteo’s side was where he belonged.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The boys have reconciled as promised, they won't always see eye to eye, there'll be more arguments, and more than a few tears but as long as they keep talking they'll be ok. </p><p>Up next:<br/>Matteo healing and David settling into taking care of his friend, a grown up who gets him, and an unlikely boxing match.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Summer had been weird that year. He'd had so many plans of fun things he could do with Matteo. It was their first full summer together. It hadn't quite turned out like that, but they'd been together, that was what mattered. So what if Matteo couldn't leave the house? There was nowhere David would rather be. He was starting to realsie perhaps he couldn't plan these things, that with Matteo he would have to go with the flow. That was fine, David could do that. He was just happy not to hiding in his room by himself.<br/>Now he had Matteo and with Matteo came Jonas. They texted constantly, and not just about Matteo either. And then there was Simon and the other boys at boxing. Marco wasn't his friend exactly, more like an older brother, an adult he trusted completly. And now there was Frankie, someone who would understand him. He had so many people, he was never alone anymore.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They had a few days like that. Quiet and hidden away in Matteo’s room. And even though it was because Matteo was suffering, there was nowhere David would rather be. He’d even blown off boxing, explaining to Marco that Matteo couldn’t leave the house right now and David couldn’t leave him alone. Marco had got it but insisted that he show up soon with Matteo in tow so he could check up on his cousin. Marco wasn’t allowed round Matteo’s house, his father’s orders, and it worried him.</p><p>Apparently, it had been a long time since Berto had spoken to his brother. Tommy naturally supported his son’s lifestyle, as he should. But this meant the Florenzi brothers no longer saw eye to eye, and Marco and Matteo were left in the middle of it.</p><p>Jonas had called from his grandparents’ house and offered to come back for him. David thought he might just love Jonas for that, for caring for Matteo almost as much as David did. That he knew Matteo was suffering just from the sound of his voice and knew what he needed most was good company. But David was company enough, Matteo had assured him of that. That was how Matteo liked it, it was how David liked it too, just the two of them hiding away from the world. </p><p>Sometimes Sophie felt well enough to join them in the kitchen or the living room, and the joy on Matteo’s face made David ache with happiness. But it was nothing compared to the smile he got when David showed up in the mornings, with food from his mum and books he thought Matteo might like from the library. He tried to stay over as much as possible, but his mum made him come home sometimes. Matteo always seemed a little surprised when he returned. But just knowing that he had people looking out for him and his mum made his day every time. Just knowing that David wasn’t scared away by the fact he was too vulnerable to leave the house meant the world to him.</p><p>David wanted Matteo to smile at him like that always, would do anything in his power to keep his friend smiling. It was a hell of a feeling, almost scary in its intensity, but he liked it a lot.</p><p>Slowly, the fog that plagued Matteo’s brain started to lift, and he was able to venture out. Only into the garden at first, but eventually after three weeks at home he felt up to going back to choir practice. Sophie was a little shaky, a little too fragile to lead the choir but keen to come along and watch. </p><p>So David took charge and took both of them to the community centre, chattering away to both of them the whole time, while they stayed quiet. He told them how excited he was to get back to boxing, to meet Frankie, to burn off some of this energy he’d built up being cooped up in the house for so long. </p><p>When he suggested that he and Matteo run around the garden tomorrow for exercise, that earned him a kick. David grinned when Sophie scolded him. But he really liked it, being the one to take care of both of them, being able to help them and see them both out of the house. And it meant he got to sit and watch Matteo sing a few songs before he snuck down to boxing, only ten minutes late.</p><p>Matteo hadn’t known that Marco had a boyfriend, or that he was trans. He knew Frankie though and David knew he’d fucked up there, had assumed that because Marco was family Matteo would know something like that. But he should’ve known better, family was complicated, he knew that well enough. Matteo’s family relationship was very strained. </p><p>When he’d told Matteo all about Frankie, he’d gotten a little quiet, but when David checked why he’d said he was just a little upset, he didn’t know. He cheered up when David suggested he come and say hi after choir. Apparently he was very fond of Frankie, who was, in Matteo’s words, almost as cool as David. David had, of course, blushed at that. He found himself blushing more and more around Matteo these days. He had no idea why.</p><p>But David was really excited, he had so many questions for Frankie. Last night when he’d told Matteo this, Matteo had said he was going to embarrass himself, be a total fanboy and end up saying something stupid. David had pushed him out of his own bed for that and said it wasn’t any more embarrassing than him squeaking out his hymns. That had earned him a scowl.</p><p>Matteo hadn’t squeaked anyway, he’d found his voice now, and it was beautiful, strong and sure. David wanted to stay and listen all day, but he also wanted to meet Frankie, so after a few songs he dragged himself downstairs.</p><p>He was excited until he wasn’t. As soon as he stepped into the room, he felt nervous and shy. He wasn’t good with people; they scared him. It was only ever easy with Matteo. Most people were kind to him, though. Jonas, Marco, all the boxer boys all seemed to love him. This guy would be ok. He had to be. He was here because he wanted to meet David, had apparently come along to boxing the past couple of weeks hoping to see him. That had to be a good sign. But he still felt scared every time he met a new person. He was used to bad reactions, and he’d internalised it. </p><p>Simon followed him into the room, David had no idea why he was so late. He seemed in no hurry, just strolled in leisurely and clapped him on the shoulder. David wished he could be so laid back sometimes.</p><p>“Ok little man?” he asked</p><p>He always called him that, even though David wasn’t much shorter than the other boys, only Simon. Simon was very tall, too tall to be a boxer, really. They were completely mismatched in height, but they always sparred together. He meant the nickname affectionately, and David took it as such. He liked Simon a lot and Simon had decided to adopt David as his boxing protege, never getting fed up with him, even if he never wanted to come with him to the park and ogle girls.</p><p>“Hi Simon,” David said.</p><p>“Uh oh,” Simon said.</p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Frankie’s here,” Simon said, his tone one of warning.</p><p>“Oh,” David said quietly, feeling nervous. He didn’t know what Simon knew about Frankie, but if he said anything bad, they couldn’t be friends anymore. He would not come out just to correct Simon, so he would just have to stay away to keep safe.</p><p>“Frankie is Marco’s boyfriend,” Simon explained. “They’re both so gross,” he added.</p><p>“They are?” David asked quietly, feeling crushed. He thought Simon was nice. David didn’t know if he was homophobic, transphobic or both. He felt a little afraid but tried to stay calm, tried not to panic yet.</p><p>“Ugh yeah, they kiss all the time and hold hands and are like super soft, it’s disgusting,” Simon said.</p><p>“It is?”</p><p>“Uh yeah? You know Marco’s like thirty, right? And he’s been keeping an eye on me since I was twelve, that means he’s like my older brother. Why would I want to watch my older brother smooching?” Simon said.</p><p>Simon’s dad was an angry man, and he took that out on Simon. That was all David knew. Simon didn’t like to talk about it, and David would never push. But Marco had found him kicking off outside the community centre, throwing rocks and punching the wall. Frustrated that he was hurting and couldn’t defend himself. He wasn’t tall then, he’d just been a little boy, scared and angry. Marco had of course taken him under his wing, like he did with all of them. He couldn’t fix his home life, but he could provide him some reprieve, somewhere safe for him to come when nothing was going his way. And Simon loved him like a brother for that.</p><p>David immediately relaxed, laughing in his relief. Simon was just dumb.</p><p>“Simon, if you think kissing is still gross, I don’t think you’re ready for girls yet,” he said, punching him on the arm. “And I don’t think Marco would appreciate you saying he’s old, he’s only twenty-five, isn’t he?”</p><p>“Yeah, I know, he’s so cool. It’s just gross ‘cause they’re sappy and shit. But it’s nice too. You know, like Marco is silent and stern? Kinda scary? And then with Frankie, he’s just so soft. It’s nice to watch. If you like that romantic shit,” Simon said, nodding to the benches where the two men sat.</p><p>“Do you like that romantic shit?” David asked him, wondering if perhaps Simon didn’t mean they were gross. Perhaps he was jealous of what they had.</p><p>“Fucking love it. David, they are the dream,” Simon said.</p><p>“I think I’ll go say hi,” David said.</p><p>“Go for it,” Simon said, bumping his fist and letting him go.</p><p>David nervously approached the pair. They were sitting close, heads together, talking quietly. Frankie was smaller than Marco, longer darker hair, more tanned too, like he spent a lot of time outside. David was surprised at how long he wore his hair, the way it hung loosely around his face. He knew hair length meant nothing, but now he had his short he didn’t think he could ever wear his long again. But it didn’t make Frankie look feminine, it made him look cool, stylish. He was rugged in appearance, well built, his face heavily shadowed with stubble. He was wearing a loose vest and David could see he had nothing underneath. He looked so good, but David didn’t feel those hot burning feelings of jealousy. No, he felt hope. He felt like maybe, just maybe, he could look that good one day.</p><p>David hadn’t thought Marco had been paying attention, but he looked up as he got close.</p><p>“Whatever Simon was saying is bullshit,” he said.</p><p>“Er… he just said you’re super soft around Frankie,” David said.</p><p>“Bullshit like I said,” Marco clarified.</p><p>“You are super soft babe, I don’t know why you try to pretend otherwise. Hi, I’m Frankie, the long suffering boyfriend, are you David? I’m so glad to finally meet you,” he said, gesturing for him to sit down.</p><p>David looked around and then nodded, sitting down beside Frankie.</p><p>“I only assumed because you came up to me, and you’re clearly the baby of the group,” Frankie said to ease his worry.</p><p>He was not; he was only two years younger than anyone else. He was not a baby.</p><p>“He is,” Marco agreed. </p><p>“Not as baby as little Matteo, though?” Frankie said.</p><p>“Matteo’s my best friend. I er… I told him you were trans sorry, I didn’t know he didn’t know, and I told him. He didn’t know you were dating? Or that Marco was gay? I’m sorry,” David mumbled, knowing that Matteo would be joining them later. He thought it was best he at least warn them.</p><p>“Ah, don’t worry, I know you meant no harm, you know not to tell. Matteo doesn’t know about me, he would’ve been too young to remember me any differently, but I know he’s good. I never wanted to keep secrets from him, he’s family. I’ve known him since he was born, Marco and me, we were best friends first, since school,” Frankie explained.</p><p>David smiled at that, but wondered why they were keeping secrets from Matteo.</p><p>“David, it’s complicated,” Marco said.</p><p>David didn’t understand, he felt like he was being warned about something. “Why?”</p><p>“I don’t tell him this stuff because I’m scared his dad would completely forbid him from seeing me, I’m already banned from the house. He knows I’m gay, and he doesn’t like it, doesn’t want me influencing Matteo,” Marco explained.</p><p>“He won’t tell his dad, he’s not stupid,” David said. It came out a little harsher than he intended. He knew Matteo would never talk about any of these things with his dad.</p><p>“Yeah, I realise that now, he’s growing up too, huh? Things are bad?”</p><p>“Really bad, yeah, and his dad’s getting worse, staying away doesn’t help him,” David said.</p><p>Now he was the one doing the warning, and surprisingly Marco looked suitably chastised. He knew his mistake. They needed supportive adults in their lives. Marco was one of the few he trusted, and Matteo needed him.</p><p>“I understand, I’ll help more,” Marco promised. “But ok, I’ll leave you two to chat, gotta rein in my thugs,” he said, standing up.</p><p>“That’s what Sophie still calls them?” Frankie asked, “she’s so proper.”</p><p>“Yeah, she nearly forbade me from being friends with Matteo,” David told him.</p><p>“Well, thank god she didn’t, then we might not have met,” Frankie said, bumping their shoulders.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said quietly.</p><p>“So how are you doing David?”</p><p>“Honestly? I don’t know. Like I’m ok right now but I don’t think I am overall. I think perhaps I’ve been distracting myself taking care of Matteo because that’s easier to deal with than my own shit. But then I had to take care of Matteo because I made him bad in the first place. Three weeks ago I stopped talking to him because his voice was breaking and it hurt me. I got jealous, and that’s not fair, but I don’t know how not to react like that,” he told him.</p><p>Frankie nodded in understanding.</p><p>“Ok I’m here to talk about you but firstly, you know what’s going on with Matteo isn’t your fault, this is his mind yes? Ok, he got sad because you stopped talking to him, but he should’ve been able to move past that. It’s just he gets overwhelmed sometimes by the world and Sophie hasn’t helped either and he gets stuck. None of that was your fault, but it’s wonderful that you looked after him,” Frankie said.</p><p>“What’s wrong with him?” David asked.</p><p>No one had ever told him why Matteo was a little different. It hadn’t really mattered to him. He got Matteo instinctively, but if knowing would help he wanted to know. He would do anything he could to make things easier for Matteo.</p><p>“Honestly? I don’t know, I don’t think anyone’s ever taken him to a doctor,” Frankie said.</p><p>“Oh.” </p><p>That made sense. His dad didn’t care enough, and his mum was probably afraid of the doctors.</p><p>When he was older, if Matteo wanted to, David would find the best doctors to help him. And if he didn’t, then David would just continue to take care of the way he already knew how.</p><p>“But back to the jealousy, you knew the whole time it was wrong?” Frankie asked.</p><p>“Yeah, I was just sulky,” David said, feeling stupid. “And it made me so miserable anyway, it made both of us miserable.”</p><p>“I think it’s fair that it upset you, jealousy is never good but you can’t help feeling it. You will get there. Also, you are a bag of hormones right now, I know they’re the wrong ones but both mess you up for a while, it’ll even out and then you get to do it all over again,” Frankie warned.</p><p>“Not for years,” David complained. “I’m really scared of all the changes to come and my parents still think this is a phase and I just…. I’m so scared, it hurts so much.”</p><p>Frankie carefully placed an arm around him. “I know three years will feel like forever, but it will come, I promise,” he said gently.</p><p>He knew he was right, three years wasn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but he had to live through it. To him it was huge. But then Frankie had gone through this too. So he wasn’t dismissing him, just promising it would pass.</p><p>“You were sixteen? When you started testosterone?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Frankie said, nodding.</p><p>“And how old are you now?”</p><p>“Twenty-four,” Frankie told him.</p><p>“Have you had surgery?”</p><p>“I had top surgery two years ago,” Frankie said, “I’m getting bottom surgery next year.”</p><p>“Is it scary?”</p><p>“Surgery? Top surgery not so much, I’ll probably be scared next year though. Looking back, it seemed easy, but I remember being scared in the time leading up to it. Marco was way more scared, crying and fussing over me. He’s going to be a nightmare next time. It will be more complicated, the recovery time will be longer, but still I can’t wait.” </p><p>“I’m scared. I want it, I’m sure I do. But it’s really scary,” David admitted.</p><p>“It’s complicated, isn’t it? You have to be so confident in your choices for people to take you seriously. But David, you’re still a kid, you don’t have to know any of this stuff now. It is scary, you’re absolutely right. You can change your mind too, nothing you commit to at thirteen is anything you have to do at eighteen. You’ll know what you want, and you’ll realise all that uncertainty was nonsense. You know your mind and your decisions. Whatever you choose, it doesn’t make you any less of a boy,” Frankie promised.</p><p>“You look really good, like a real man, no sorry that’s not what I meant. I meant...”</p><p>“It’s ok, I know you’re not trying to be rude,” Frankie said gently.</p><p>Frankie was a real man, and he knew that. What he meant was he would never have guessed he was trans, which was as it should be and not something he should be pointing out. He was just excited and trying to compare himself. He never thought he could look so good, and he was projecting his wishes.</p><p>“I meant… I wanted to say you look handsome,” David said shyly.</p><p>Frankie grinned at his blush. “Thank you,” he said.</p><p>“You pass so well I’m scared I won’t,” David admitted.</p><p>“You pass right now,” Frankie said.</p><p>Everyone said that, but it was because he looked like a kid. He just looked young. That was going to change.</p><p>“If you stop passing, that’s ok too. You’re right, you’re going to change and I know it’s not in the direction you want. But you will get where you want to be, I know you will. But whether or not you pass, you are a boy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. How is school? Shit right?”</p><p>“Everyone knows. I wanted to be stealth, but they wouldn’t let me. They make me use the disabled bathroom, half the teachers still use the wrong name sometimes and the kids, they just are shitty.”</p><p>Frankie held him tight.</p><p>“All I can say is it will pass. High school was so tough but… Marco loved me since we were like fourteen and he’s always been tough so most kids were scared of him, it was mostly just him and me but that was fine,” Frankie said. “Here, look.” </p><p>He pulled out his phone and showed him a photo of him and Marco, aged about fifteen. Marco looked practically the same except his hair was buzzed, in fact he looked tougher back then than he did now with the bright bandanas. Beside him Frankie looked slight, timid almost. He was hiding against Marco, hiding like David did.</p><p>“I have no one at school, but I still have Matteo. I don’t need him to be tough for me though, not that… I mean…”</p><p>Frankie looked tough enough, but only because he was an adult, and nothing compared to Marco. Marco looked every bit the boxer he was.</p><p>“No I know, I’m not tough really and I don’t want to be but I needed Marco to be that or I would’ve been hurt,” Frankie said seriously.</p><p>“You look tougher now,” David said.</p><p>“Not really I’m just an adult, I’m just bigger than you, I’m not tough at all. You don’t have to be tough to be a boy, you know that right?” Frankie said.</p><p>David nodded. “Are you a boxer though?” he asked.</p><p>“I know you can’t imagine Marco has a life outside of this place, but he does,” Frankie said, chuckling. “But no I’m a footballer, I mean I’m a primary school teacher but football is my sport.”</p><p>That immediately got David’s interest piqued.</p><p>“Oh? Oh really?” he asked. It had been a year now, and he still missed it so badly. Still dragged Matteo into his garden to kick a ball around even though he hated it and complained the whole time.</p><p>“Yeah, I coach like Marco. The kids' team at my school and an LGBTQ team at the uni,” he told him.</p><p>“Can I join?” David asked.</p><p>“What the kids? No, I’m teasing. The uni team is for adults, but when you’re eighteen, you can. If Marco let’s me poach you. It’s just a fun thing. I was on the team when I was studying and I took over coaching last year. They do play other amateur teams,” Frankie explained.</p><p>“I will join as soon as I’m old enough. I love football,” David said.</p><p>“Don’t play?” Frankie asked.</p><p>“They asked me to leave. They basically kicked me off the team,” David said.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Frankie said.</p><p>“‘S’ok I like boxing too,” David said.</p><p>Frankie smiled as Marco came back over to them. “Doing ok?” </p><p>“Yes, I… I think sometimes it’s ok to not be ok,” David said. “I put too much pressure on myself, wanting to change everything at once, because it doesn’t work like that.”</p><p>“Good motto, keep coming to boxing, yeah? Let me keep an eye on you?” Marco said.</p><p>“I will, I like it here. I can keep boxing even as I change?”</p><p>It was so different to football, Marco wanted him here. Yes, because he was kind and supported him, but also because he saw David had talent and wanted to nurture that.</p><p>“Always. If you stop feeling comfortable, we’ll work it out. I know you don’t like to be known, and that’s fine, but none of my boys will have a problem with you. If they did, they wouldn’t be here. I don’t stand for that shit. These kids, they’ve been rejected by everyone else, their parents, their schools. Some of them don’t have a single adult they can trust. The whole world thinks they’re uneducated thugs. I’m keeping them off the streets. They are good kids, you know that,” Marco said.</p><p>They were, they absolutely were. They were just stupid kids that had made a few more mistakes than most, but they all had good hearts and David loved them all.</p><p>“They all know about me and yeah they ask some dumb shit, but like so innocently I can’t even get mad. They’re just that dumb. You can have my number, you ever need anything, to rant about your struggles or just ask me something you can, or even just to chat,” Frankie promised.</p><p>“Thank you so much,” David said.</p><p>“Here he comes,” Marco warned.</p><p>“Hey Frankie,” Matteo said, a little awkwardly.</p><p>“Hey Matteo,” Frankie said fondly, pulling him into a hug. “I hear David told you about me?”</p><p>“Yeah, he didn’t mean to,” Matteo said, “but you kept secrets from me.”</p><p>“Uncle Berto doesn’t like me, Matteo,” Marco said.</p><p>“Well, he doesn’t like me either. Did you really think I would be like him?”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Marco said.</p><p>“It’s ok,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>David got it now, why he was so upset. </p><p>Matteo didn’t hate anyone, it wasn’t in his nature and the idea that Marco worried he might, under his father’s influence, hurt him. They were old enough to think independently from their parents. Marco had forgotten that.</p><p>“Frankie, I’m upset that you kept secrets, but it doesn’t change anything. I guess you’re just Marco’s cool boyfriend instead of his cool best friend. But really you’re kind of lame now because David is way cooler than everyone in this room put together. And he’s <em>my </em>best friend,” Matteo said proudly.</p><p>David blushed, he always did when Matteo described the way he saw him. It made him feel warm and proud. It made him feel like really he was that cool.</p><p>“I believe you,” Frankie said.</p><p>“Frankie?” David asked quietly.</p><p>“Hm?” </p><p>“Do your parents love you?”</p><p>He knew now that his did, but it was so hard at first. He wondered if it was always that hard. He knew it shouldn’t be.</p><p>“Yeah, but it’s taking time. But Marco is my real family,” Frankie said.</p><p>“Yeah,” Marco said softly. </p><p>This was what Simon was talking about, how different Marco was with Frankie than anyone else. He liked that; it was nice to see that side of him. At that moment, Simon wolf whistled just before Marco could press a kiss to Frankie’s cheek.</p><p>Frankie jumped up.</p><p>“Oh yeah, Simon? Want to show me what you got?”</p><p>Simon shook his head, terrified.</p><p>“I will,” Matteo said, standing up and raising his fists.</p><p>Frankie ruffled his hair. “Get some gloves kiddo, let’s see what you got,” he said.</p><p>Matteo grinned and ran off to get the gloves. David frowned and watched him go. Matteo never boxed with him, no matter how many times David asked him to. </p><p>David always asked Matteo to box with him and he always said no. He would wrestle though, he would wrestle with him all the time. Even though he always lost. David supposed wrestling took less balance. He just hoped he wasn’t worried about being punched, he would always pull his punches, he just wanted to mess around with Matteo. He never wanted him to be scared of him.</p><p>Matteo stood in front of Frankie, up on his tiptoes, bouncing around. His stance wasn’t bad either, he’d been watching him. Matteo watched him all the time it made sense he’d taken it in. </p><p>“Focus on me,” Frankie said.</p><p>Matteo nodded but looked at his feet, David desperately wanted to go up and tilt his head back up, stand behind him and help with his form.</p><p>“Me Matteo, focus on me,” Frankie said.</p><p>When he looked up Frankie tapped their fists together and he stumbled backwards, then glanced at David and stumbled again. He didn’t seem nervous, was grinning back at Frankie, but he was tense and David felt a strange urge to step in, get in front of Matteo and protect him. Frankie wasn’t tall like Marco, but he seemed to tower over Matteo.</p><p>He didn’t step in though, just watched them, slightly on edge.</p><p>Matteo tried his best to land a punch on Frankie but he was not a natural and he was too hesitant, nervous of hurting Frankie, even though it was unlikely that he would. Frankie didn’t even hit back, which David totally got, just held up his fists and grinned at Matteo’s attempts.</p><p>Marco eventually took pity on him and cut in. Matteo came to stand beside David, and they both watched in awe as Marco and Frankie danced around each other. Neither landed a hit, always seeming to know what the other was going to do. They smiled at each other fondly as they circled one another, mirroring each other’s steps. It was almost like they were reading each other’s minds. When Marco raised an arm, Frankie’s arm went up mere milliseconds after him. They were completely in sync.</p><p>David knew Marco could land a hit if he wanted to, but he didn’t. What they were doing was more fun. There was no other way to describe it but dancing. Suddenly David felt compelled to do the same.</p><p>“Box with me,” he whispered.</p><p>Matteo shook his head.</p><p>“No like that, box with me, I’ll pull my punches, you’ll catch them. I won’t hit you, I’ll never break my promise,” David said.</p><p>Matteo allowed him to lead him over to the corner, out of everyone else’s way. Matteo stood there with his fists up while David put his gloves on. He tapped Matteo’s fists until he lowered them. Unlike with Frankie, Matteo was completely relaxed, limbs loose, the tension gone.</p><p>“Trust me,” David said, stepping closer. </p><p>Matteo grinned and nodded, raising himself up onto the balls of his feet.  David did the same then raised his arm to strike, Matteo countered it immediately and laughed. David took two steps left and Matteo mirrored him only half a second behind. He reached out to land a hit, but David caught him with both his hands. </p><p>He let him go and jabbed at him, but Matteo stepped back out of the way and laughed, absolutely delighted at this game. David could see it in his face, the moment he’d realised he didn’t need to be any good at boxing. He would never win, but he knew David well enough to know that in this dance they were equal. Yeah, David was pulling his punches, but this was so much more fun. He struck out again and Matteo immediately deflected, eyes wide in surprise at the speed of his own reflexes. </p><p>He rarely responded quickly. David hadn’t picked up on it right away, but he had noticed it over the year he’d known Matteo. He could talk back, respond with quick wit or snark easily enough, but when he was talking, properly talking he was often slow and deliberate with his answers. Taking care to choose his words. Except with him. With David the words were still chosen with care, but they came so easily to him, flowed between them, without the need to think. This was the same. They were in sync, had been for almost a year now.</p><p>David beamed as they continued to circle one another. Not once had Matteo looked down at his feet, not once had he stumbled. He may be clumsy, but when reading and reacting to David, he was nothing but graceful. One day they would dance together for real, David realised and he couldn’t wait.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Up Next</p><p>Backyard camping, deepest fears and confessions, and starlight promises</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Summer is winding down. It was not at all like David expected. It’s been really hard, and not just for him, but Matteo too. Sometimes it feels like it’s just the two of them against the world. But David knows they’ll be ok. Probably not soon. Things are probably going to be tough for a while, but one day they’ll be ok, because they’ll always be together.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The end of another summer, this one's a little sad, but it ends hopefully I promise. Nothing too heavy just Matteo's dad being a dick, and his mum having her usual struggles. But David's not letting him deal with this alone, and they'll both be ok.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David decided he loved sleeping outside, loved camping, loved the adventure of it all. He’d never done it before. His parents were not the type to go camping. The few times he remembered going on holiday it had been to kid friendly resorts by the beach. Which was fun too, but camping was his thing, he’d decided.</p><p>He hadn’t realised what he’d been missing out on all this time, but if he could he’d sleep outside forever. Well, not forever, David did like his bed, but he definitely enjoyed being outside a lot. There was something very special about it. He liked that the tent was like their own little world, a little home for the two of them. He liked how dark it was, how quiet, how loud the spooky noises were that made Matteo jump. And it was so much cooler out there than in the house, he had to keep his hoodie on to stay warm and that was absolutely fine with him. He could be hidden by both the cover of darkness and his heavy clothes.</p><p>They were only be in his garden, but David had never felt freer. He hoped next year they’d be allowed to go a little further. He was already planning it out, him and Matteo on the road. He knew it was unlikely his parents would say yes, but he was sure one day they would do it, just them adventuring all over the place.</p><p>Matteo, as it turned out, did not like camping very much, which both did and didn’t surprise David. He was surprised because he’d already seen that Matteo could sleep anywhere. But he wasn’t surprised, because Matteo was also extremely fussy sometimes. It was all quite ridiculous. </p><p>He had complained a lot. They had practically every blanket from the house out there to appease him. The temperature was fresh, but it wasn’t nearly as cold as Matteo was making out. They had the torches running constantly because the dark made him nervous. David didn’t mind that though, wanted him to be comfortable. Every time he needed the bathroom in the night, he made David come back inside with him in case he was attacked in the two minutes it took to get back to the house. By what, David had no idea. He complained about the bugs, the slightly damp smell that was there because the weather was getting cooler as summer was winding down. He complained so much about how hard the ground was that David’s mum had given him the old mattress from the sofa bed in the garage. </p><p>But despite his grumbling he’d stayed out there with David for over a week now, eight nights they’d been out there, only going back indoors for supplies and the bathroom. </p><p>They were in David’s back garden, at the very bottom, by his dad’s shed. He’d pitched the tent under the few trees that lined the end of the garden and as far away from the house as they were allowed to go. It was Matteo’s tent, but David and his mother had agreed that their garden was better for camping than Matteo’s. </p><p>It wasn’t that it was better suited, Matteo’s garden was only a little bigger in size, but it felt huge and wild, sprawling almost. It was the way it spread out from the house, the way it had been left to get more and more overgrown over the last year. It had more trees too, bigger older ones, dotted around, not planted in a line. They’d probably been there longer than the house. If they’d camped out at Matteo’s they could have pitched their tent under the big oak tree, and surrounded by the long grass and wild weeds, which would have hidden them from everyone. It would’ve been perfect, like camping in the wild.</p><p>But things weren’t good at Matteo’s. In fact, they were downright terrible. Two days after David nearly punched Matteo’s dad for the way he spoke about his son, the man packed a bag and headed back to Italy. Despite the fact neither Matteo or his mother were doing well. It was for urgent work, apparently. Said he would be back in a week. That was six weeks ago. Matteo said he’d left because his mum was sad and crying a lot. Said that one day he was going to leave and never come back. Said he wished he would just do that, get it over with so they could move on with their lives. Except he knew he couldn’t do that, move on, knew they’d both be devastated if he left for good. </p><p>David was glad he was gone, had been happy to step up and take care of them. But he also got that Matteo missed him.</p><p>David knew Matteo was checking his phone every day, hoping to hear from his dad. The little frown of disappointment broke David’s heart every time.</p><p>Sophie wasn’t really in any state to look after the two of them. It had been ok at first but things got steadily worse, Matteo had been coping just fine looking after her while his dad was at work. But her husband leaving her alone with her son had a severe impact on her mental health, made everything worse and it was left to Matteo to pick up the pieces. Matteo had stopped coming over to David’s to take care of her. So David had gone over to try to help, no matter how many times Matteo insisted he just go and enjoy his holiday. He couldn’t enjoy it without Matteo.</p><p>Summer was ending soon, and he wanted to spend as much time with Matteo before school stole him away again. He didn’t mind helping out and had told Matteo as much. He loved Sophie and wanted to help in any way he could.</p><p>The thing was David was independent; he didn’t get homesick when he was at Matteo’s. Last Easter he’d spent the entire break at Matteo’s, called home maybe twice. He didn’t miss his parents when he was away, didn’t even really miss Laura. Well, he did, but she was so grumpy lately it was best he stayed away.</p><p>He liked to think he didn’t need his parents for much, that he was strong, grown up and independent. But over the last few weeks he’d realised quickly how untrue that was. Watching as Sophie’s health slowly declined, watching Matteo care for her, wrestling with her to eat and drink, staying up all night with him to make sure she didn’t try to leave had been eye opening. Sophie got quieter and quieter until she stopped speaking at all. When she looked at David, she didn’t recognise him. When she turned to Matteo with the same blank expression on her face David’s heart broke for him. He felt devastated for Sophie, but it was the toll it took on Matteo that broke him.</p><p>He’d had no idea just how bad it really was, how difficult things were for Matteo. He remembered a year ago when they’d met, how he thought it would be nice to share his own burdens with Matteo, and hear his own, no matter how trivial they were. How fucking blind he’d been. The whole time he’d thought Matteo’s life had been perfect. The signs were there from the start, but David had ignored it because to him everything seemed easy for Matteo. Matteo never talked about it, kept it all to himself. Didn’t want to bother anyone or cause a fuss.</p><p>David realised pretty quickly that as ignorant and stubborn as his parents were about his transition, they’d never harmed him on the same level that Matteo’s dad had. Even the time his mum had done his hair against his will he’d still felt safe, had still gone home with her because he knew she would keep him safe until he was old enough to do that for himself. Matteo was not safe, his home life was not stable or kind and it was killing him. The two things weren’t comparable. While David’s parents not understanding his transition felt like the worst thing in the world. Matteo’s dad leaving and his mum being sick felt like the worst thing in the world for him. His life was not perfect, in a completely different way than the imperfections of David’s life, but never again would David think his best friend had it easy.</p><p>Sitting in the kitchen while Matteo tried not to cry as he stressed about the food running out was one of the worst things David had ever experienced. </p><p>Twenty minutes, it had taken twenty minutes of watching Matteo breakdown, trying and failing to console him before David was calling his mum, crying and begging her to come and get them, to come help them. He cried down the phone that he couldn’t do this, that Matteo was too young. They were both too young and would she come and help them, please? </p><p>She had, she’d jumped in the car with his dad and come straight over. </p><p>When she’d gotten there, she’d calmly taken them straight into the living room and sat down with them while his dad checked on Sophie. She’d told David he’d done the right thing, that he’d been very sensible and she was proud of him for calling her. She told him sometimes the most grown-up thing you could do was ask for help and he’d done great taking care of everyone, but now it was her turn. She promised Matteo they were going to take care of him now. That he was going to come stay with them for a little while and she was going to stay and look after his mum. </p><p>Then his dad had taken them home and his mum had stayed behind for a few days with Sophie, sorting out the house and helping her get back on track. His mum loved Sophie, cared for her deeply, and she did help. She took some of the burden in a way Matteo couldn’t because he was too young, and slowly Sophie started to recover and feel better.</p><p>His mum was back home now and Sophie was doing better, but both of them wanted Matteo to stay with them a little longer. Sophie had gone to stay with her parents for a few days to get away from the house for a while, and David’s mum had promised to take care of Matteo.  David knew she was just as worried about him as she was about his mum.</p><p>David wasn’t sure if Sophie was really at her parents, that was what his mum had told Matteo, but Matteo said she was probably in the hospital. That last time it had gotten that bad, she’d had to go to the hospital. But Matteo didn’t push David’s mum for answers though, he didn’t seem to want to acknowledge it. </p><p>David asked his mum though, and she said not to worry about it. When she saw the frustrated expression on his face she sat down with him at the kitchen table and assured him Sophie really was at her parents, but yes, she’d had to go see a doctor. That she was going to have to continue seeing a doctor. This kind of thing didn’t go away. She told him she understood why he was concerned, but that he really didn’t need to worry about it. He’d been very mature, and she trusted him, but she wanted him and Matteo to keep having fun. They were still too young to have to deal with these things. She trusted that both of them could, but they didn’t have to yet.</p><p>David appreciated that, that she trusted him. She wasn’t treating him like a child on this, just insisting that he behaved like one. Ensuring that he didn’t need to worry about these things, just be happy and let her take care of them.</p><p>So to cheer Matteo up, he’d gotten his dad to bring the tent from Matteo’s garage and help them set it up. Just like they had been the past few nights, they were lying there, tightly wrapped up in the blankets, the torch hanging from the roof. It really was like their own little world. No parents, no one but them. Just how David liked it. </p><p>They’d been talking for hours, but Matteo had been quiet for a little while. He was just listening to David talk about how he was actually a little excited to go back to school because this year he got to do art. And how he knew the art teacher was chill, and he was pretty sure he would like her. So he talked while Matteo thought about whatever was on his mind. David assumed he was worrying about his mum, there was only so much distraction camping out could provide.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p>“I’m so glad I met you. You’re my favourite person in the whole world. And without you, right now I’d be lost, so lost, I don’t know what I would do,” he whispered.</p><p>“You don’t have to think about that, you <em>do </em>have me and it’s the same. Matteo, you’re the reason I’m brave,” David told him.</p><p>“No-”</p><p>“No, you’re right. I am brave, you’re the reason I want to be brave, keep being brave,” David said.</p><p>“I hope I know you forever,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>It was clearly worrying him. David realised, then Matteo thought he was going to lose him. Which used to be David’s biggest worry once, but he was sure now that he had Matteo forever. But was an unsettling thought, not having Matteo in his life. It made him feel restless and uncomfortable. Made him want to grab Matteo and run away with him. He didn’t want Matteo thinking this way.</p><p>He sat up and unzipped the tent, clambering out and pulling Matteo with him. They put their trainers on and wandered over to the old swing set. His dad had built it when he and Laura were younger. Foolishly, he’d only built it with one swing, which led to many shoving matches and fights. </p><p>One time David had snuck out early in the morning and somehow managed to unscrew one of the chains. He’d watch his dad put it together, so it was easy enough to figure out. Laura had fallen hard on her ass. It had been brilliant. She’d chased him around the garden screaming for that one.</p><p>It hadn’t been used for a few years now, both of them too old to bother. But the frame was solid wood, and would last a long time yet. He pushed Matteo onto the seat, then stood in front of him. Matteo shone the torch up at him.</p><p>“You will, I promise you will,” David insisted, hands on his shoulders.</p><p>“You know how scared you are of growing up? Of changing?” Matteo asked quietly.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I’m scared too,” Matteo said.</p><p>“What scares you?” David asked him.</p><p>“I’m scared… that you’re going to realise I’m annoying or that… when school is over and we’re grown ups and you’re… when you’ve…”</p><p>David thought he might know what Matteo was thinking. Their worries were so similar, different in so many ways, but fundamentally the same. They both worried about the other growing up and growing away from each other. David was starting to think it wasn’t something they had to worry about, if both of them wanted to stay friends as much as they did then it should be easy.</p><p>“When I’ve transitioned? Medically you mean?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah… not… I don’t know what I’m saying, never mind,” Matteo said, looking down at his feet.</p><p>He pushed himself back and forth on the swing. David reached out and tilted Matteo’s head up again, making him look at him.</p><p>“I’d like to hear it, you’re allowed to talk about it, it doesn’t upset me when you do,” David promised.</p><p>There were times when David couldn’t bear to talk about it or even think about it. But right now he was calm, he felt safe with him, felt open and bare but in a good way. He was always more comfortable talking about these things with Matteo, even though he had no idea what it was like. It was the way he responded, the way he always listened. Gave him his undivided attention every time. David knew he could tell him anything, about how he was feeling, about his body, and he knew Matteo wouldn’t freak out, wouldn’t think him gross or wrong. He knew that he probably wouldn’t even think him any different to other boys because how David felt was more important to Matteo than anything physical. And slowly, incredibly slowly, David was trying to internalise that way of seeing people, trying to make it louder than his own critical voice. </p><p>David had never quite felt like this before, though. This felt like it was going to be heavy and important conversation and he felt a little nervous. In front of him Matteo looked so vulnerable and honest it scared him, but he let him continue. He wanted to hear it.</p><p>“Ok when you transition, when you get hormones and get the changes you want then… David, I already think you’re really cool. But I don’t think you’ll see it or at least trust it until you do change, it’s going to make you more confident and trust in yourself more. I think then you might realise just how cool you are. It’s like you’re so confident, I see it in you, you’re so ready to be confident and amazing. And I want you to get that, to get those changes you want. I want you to because I know it’ll make you so happy and let you be you. But David, I’m scared that’s when you’ll realise I’m kinda lame,” he said.</p><p>David smiled at him, he’d suspected that Matteo might worry about this. He’d suspected Matteo might think David was only friends with him because he had no other friends. But that wasn’t the case at all, never had been. Matteo had approached him, had kept on at him until David let him in. Matteo had wormed his way into David’s heart, and David wasn’t letting him leave. He made friends with Matteo because Matteo wanted to be his friend, because he liked him, trusted him, needed him. It was nothing to do with the fact he had no one else. It had everything to do with who Matteo was. David could’ve had three hundred friends, could’ve been the most popular guy in school, but none of that would compare to this friendship he had. Nothing would ever be as important. It was special, and he knew it; it was pure luck that they met last year, but he was never leaving it up to chance again. He was never going to take Matteo for granted.</p><p>Still, he understood Matteo’s fears. Just like David wasn’t confident in himself, neither was Matteo. David often talked about how different things were going to be once he’d started testosterone, once he’d had his surgery. And it was, he knew he’d be more comfortable, would be probably be a little better with people. But one thing he’d counted on was Matteo being there. That was never going to change. Because while David needed to make changes to feel comfortable with others, he didn’t need that with Matteo. Matteo saw him just right already.</p><p>“Matteo,” he said gently.</p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p>“I already know you’re lame,” David teased.</p><p>Matteo laughed, but the sound was choked up, like he was on the verge of tears. In the torchlight, David could see his eyes shining, so he pulled him down into the grass. They lay there, heads pressed together. David joined their hands.</p><p>“Matteo?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I never thought you were cool. I’m under no illusions that you’re a bit odd, a little strange. You’re rude when you talk without thinking, you’re silly and so fucking clumsy. You can be annoying to the point I want to strangle you, I almost did when we first met. But all those things? I love them, I wouldn’t change them. To me you’re absolutely perfect as you are,” David said.</p><p>Matteo buried his head against David’s shoulder, crying quietly, completely overwhelmed. David just squeezed his hand. </p><p>“You’re perfect to me,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“Thank you. You may not be cool but you’re so smart, seriously the smartest boy I’ve ever met. You are also the kindest, would do anything for anyone, would do anything for me. No one has ever listened to me like you do, no one has ever understood me. You don’t get it at all, but instead of trying to reason it, you just accept it. </p><p>“When I tell you I’m suffering you don’t tell me it’s going to be ok because ok isn’t good enough. You just hug me, you just sit with me when I cry, when I’m hurting you just fucking listen like no one else ever has. You’ve never once dismissed me or the pain I’m in. Matteo no matter what happens when I transition, when I get to change the way I need, even if I become the coolest, most popular guy in the country, I will never leave you behind. Because Matteo, you are my best friend. You’re the first person who ever saw me as me, exactly as me, and not who I was before. You see me better than I do and I could never walk away from that,” David said, his eyes burning.</p><p>“David,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“I know, I know Matteo,” David said.</p><p>He knew what Matteo meant, what he was feeling. It was intense and overwhelming, and David just lay back and let it wash over him, holding Matteo’s hand tight. He’d always felt everything strongly when it came to Matteo, but this was more intense than he’d ever felt. He was never leaving Matteo behind, Matteo was never leaving him. He knew that now, he wouldn’t worry about that again. Matteo was always going to be in his life, was probably always going to be the most important person. That had implications that perhaps he wasn’t quite ready to think about yet. So instead he just looked at Matteo in the torchlight and smiled.</p><p>“We’ll always be friends?”</p><p>“Always,” David promised. </p><p>There wasn’t much David was sure of, but he was certain of this, it was the truest fact he knew. No matter how they grew and changed. No matter how their relationship or what they meant to each other changed, because David knew now that it would, it had to grow and develop with them. No matter who they were or how they saw each other in ten, twenty or thirty years, Matteo would always be his best friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Gosh another summer over already. Next time it's a new summer, they're older, there will be presents and dressing up and David finally putting Matteo’s dad in his place.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Another summer with long months of freedom sprawling ahead of them. A summer that starts off in the best way possible. It's going to be good, David knows it is. No matter what they end up doing it'll be amazing. Because David has the best, kindest friend in the world. A boy who gives him anything without question.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>
  <strong>part iii - there was no epiphany, no light from above</strong>
</h3><p>Much to David’s surprise, on the first day of the summer holidays he was rudely awoken by Matteo sneaking into his room and jumping on top of him, shaking him awake. He supposed it was only fair, he’d done the same to Matteo enough times by now. Still, that didn’t stop him shoving Matteo to the floor and pulling the duvet back over his head.</p><p>“You’re so rude!” Matteo huffed. </p><p>David couldn’t see him, cosy under the covers like he was, but he bet he was sitting there all startled and confused. He grinned to himself.</p><p>“You shouldn’t just barge in here, you’re rude!” he argued.</p><p>“You barge into my room all the time, David!” Matteo said. He was getting louder and excited as he got wound up. </p><p>David loved winding him up, getting him all flustered till he was almost shouting with it. He smiled happily, still hidden under the covers. He’d missed him. He hadn’t seen him in days. Matteo had had an end of year school trip and hadn’t been able to come over in a while. Then there was just the fact that Matteo had been so quiet lately, it was so good to hear him get excited for once. He would tease Matteo forever if it meant that he could hear him laughing, see him smiling again.</p><p>“That’s different,” David said, from beneath the covers.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because I was sleeping,” David grumbled, finally pulling the duvet from his face. It was too warm under there. “And what if I was naked?”</p><p>It was unlikely, but David liked to keep his boundaries clear. Matteo mostly got it, almost always knocked. And he knew there was no chance David was going to be up or getting changed at this time in the morning. It was a safe bet that he was still asleep.</p><p>“When have you ever been naked? You were sleeping, lazybones,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Could’ve been, it’s warm,” David joked, “and it’s only nine, why are you here so early?”</p><p>“Well, you’re not naked, your modesty is still intact, we’re good. And I missed you. Plus, I got you a present,” Matteo said sweetly, getting David’s attention now. He pulled the duvet back completely and dropped the argument as his curiosity won out.</p><p>“What kind of present?” he asked.</p><p>“The best present ever, something you’ve always wanted,” Matteo said.</p><p>“A new camera?” </p><p>It was his birthday in a couple of months and he’d asked his dad for a proper camera. One which he could film the little movies he and Matteo made. They currently shot them on Matteo’s phone because it was newer, but it was still pretty poor quality. </p><p>It was still a lot of fun though, him and Matteo running around in ridiculous costumes, playing superheroes, villains, aliens, vampires, all sorts. Their imagination knew no limits. Once he had a real camera, they could film at night, film their adventures, capture everything. His dad said he’d think about it, which David knew meant yes if he pestered him enough.</p><p>“No, not that,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Then it’s not worth my sleep,” David said, rolling back over, grinning as Matteo huffed crossly.</p><p>Matteo threw a parcel at his head, David rubbed his head and sat up scowling at Matteo.</p><p>“Your parents are out, probably don’t let them see,” he said, laying down on the floor and closing his eyes.</p><p>“What is it?” David asked quietly. There was one thing he’d given up asking for, didn’t even want to dream that Matteo had bought it for him.</p><p>“A present,” Matteo said dryly, eyes still closed.</p><p>“Matteo.”</p><p>“You know what it is,” he said.</p><p>David tore it open and grinned at Matteo, shocked and delighted.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I’m the best,” Matteo said, smiling up at him.</p><p>“You bought me a binder,” David murmured.</p><p>“Actually, I bought you two because you smell so bad,” Matteo said.</p><p>“How?” David asked, running his fingers over the plastic packaging, too nervous to open it. He couldn’t believe Matteo would do this.</p><p>“Dad’s credit card. To be honest, it’s not really for you it’s more to piss him off, paid for expedited shipping and everything, plus import charges. Can you believe it? You have to pay extra money to buy stuff from America,” Matteo said.</p><p>He was brushing it off, but if that was true he would’ve bought something for himself, like video games or books. Matteo didn’t do that, he bought things for people he cared about. In the spring his dad bought him a new bike, the same as the one he’d bought him the year before and a whole two months after his birthday. Matteo gave it to Jonas because he was upset, but also because his walk to school was further than Matteo’s. He was so generous and kind. He knew what David needed, had listened to him beg his parents countless times, and had finally taken matters into his own hands when he saw they weren’t going to buy him a binder. He must’ve ordered these a few weeks back after a particularly frustrating argument. </p><p>He’d asked again, for what felt like the fiftieth time, and she’d actually pulled up an article she’d found online outlining all the dangers of binding and that she wasn’t happy about it. David yelled at her that she was blind and stupid. He appreciated that she cared, he did, but she’d taken it too far the other way. He’d told her time and again not to read these sorts of articles. They weren’t written by trans people or medical professionals, but other parents who didn’t want their children to transition.</p><p>He’d yelled all that at her with Matteo standing awkwardly behind him, then stormed upstairs. He hadn’t even cried that time, but he had kicked off in his room until Matteo just wrapped him up in his arms and calmed him down. He must’ve been planning this since then, probably went home that evening and bought them.</p><p>Matteo’s dad came and went now for weeks at a time, left his credit card with Matteo, expected him to take care of everything. It was such bullshit. Matteo could’ve gone wild, could’ve bought all sorts, extravagant things, or shit he was too young to be buying. Other kids would’ve bought booze or worse. But he wasn’t like that. His dad was lucky he had such a sensible son, one who put caring for his mum and his friends above anything else.</p><p>“How did you know what size?” David asked.</p><p>“You have them bookmarked on your laptop,” Matteo said, sitting up again, staring at David sleepily.</p><p>“You hacked my computer?” David accused.</p><p>“I know your password, uppercut two-thousand is pretty obvious dude,” Matteo teased.</p><p>The little shit. David jumped down on top of him, causing him to scream and thrash under him to no avail.</p><p>“Oh yeah, what’s your password then Luigi one, two, three?” David asked, pinning him down, holding him in place.</p><p>Matteo laughed. “No, actually it’s five, semicolon, closed bracket, m, caret symbol, t, percent symbol, at symbol, h, curly bracket, capital j, question mark, capital d, exclamation mark,” he said smugly.</p><p>David just stared at him. “What the fuck? How the hell do you remember all that?”</p><p>“Five is random, then it’s a winky face, m for music to the power of Tokyo percent at hi, fancy bracket, j for Jonas as a question, and d for David as an exclamation because you’re annoying,” he explained, like that was supposed to make it clearer when in fact it made it even more confusing.</p><p>“What. The. Fuck Matteo?”</p><p>Matteo frowned. “What? It makes sense to me and it’s secure, I used a generator and everything. That’s just the way I remember it, that’s how I remember everything, with funny patterns,” he insisted.</p><p>He was right; it was completely secure, but it was ridiculous, just like Matteo. His brain was amazing, David loved it, loved that he got to listen to Matteo ramble and explain his way of thinking.</p><p>He just stared at him for a moment. </p><p>“Look, you gotta be careful there are hackers about,” Matteo warned, clearly thinking that David was doubting his need for a strong password when in fact what was distracting him was Matteo himself.</p><p>“You’re the fucking hacker,” David said. “Also technically, does this mean I’m your password?”</p><p>“Don’t flatter yourself dude, it could just have easily been d for dogshit,” Matteo said, smirking.</p><p>David squeezed his sides until he screamed.</p><p>“Are you gonna try them on?” Matteo asked gently, when he caught his breath again.</p><p>“Can I really?” David asked, hardly daring to believe he really had them. Finally, after all this time.</p><p>“Yeah, they’re for you dumbass, fed up of you moping,” he said.</p><p>That wasn’t it at all, Matteo would put up with him moping until the end of time. He’d done this simply to be kind. Just to make him smile, ease his pain a little. Putting David’s needs first, unlike his mum, who was still worrying about being a good parent instead of listening to him and it was blinding her. </p><p>She had so many excuses ready each time he asked. But he couldn’t go much longer without one. He wanted to wear a t-shirt this summer. He wanted a little bit of freedom.</p><p>Still, it didn’t matter now.</p><p>“You spoil me,” David said sincerely.</p><p>Matteo just shrugged and laid back down on the floor, eyes closed. It was very early, and they’d been up late on the phone last night. He watched him for a moment, then looked down at his present again.</p><p>Laura had managed to get hold of an old binder from one of her friends. A size too big as he was still smallish in stature, but he made it work. It wasn’t brilliant, though. Plus, like Matteo said, it got a bit smelly because he wore it all the time. And now he had two of his very own, in his own size, just for him. He unwrapped it carefully with shaking hands and ran his fingers over the fabric.</p><p>“Are you going to try it? I can step out,” Matteo offered, moving tiredly to get up.</p><p>David shook his head and pushed him back down with his foot.</p><p>“Just er… close your eyes,” he said.</p><p>When he did David put a pillow over his face, which caused him to huff, then he turned around for good measure. He knew Matteo wouldn’t look. It was for his own peace of mind. He pulled off his pyjama top and pulled the binder over his head. That was about as far as he got, the back immediately riding up and getting stuck. It was tight, much tighter than the incorrect one. He grumbled, pulled it off and shook it out then tried again but still he couldn’t pull it down. His arms didn’t bend the right way. He struggled, pulled as best as he could, freezing when he felt his shoulder click worryingly. This wasn’t going to work.</p><p>“Matteo, don’t look,” David said.</p><p>“Not looking,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I’m stuck, it’s a bit tight, I know it’s supposed to be, but I can’t bend my arms right to pull it on,” David admitted.</p><p>It would take practice, he supposed.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo said calmly, knowing now wasn’t the time for teasing. David looked over his shoulder. He hadn’t moved, was just waiting for him to instruct him further. </p><p>“I need you to help me, without looking,” David said.</p><p>“Ok but how?”</p><p>“I’m going to face away from you, can you pull it down at the back? Without looking or touching me too much,” David said,</p><p>“I think so, can I open my eyes to stand up?”</p><p>“Yeah, but close them again quickly,” David said, turning away from Matteo.</p><p>He felt Matteo behind him and flinched. He couldn’t help it, he was practically naked. No one saw him like this, not even himself if he could help it.</p><p>“I’m behind you now,” Matteo whispered, “do you want me to help?”</p><p>“Wait a moment,” David said, taking a breath, then another one. He knew it was fine, it was Matteo, he wouldn’t do anything until he was ready.</p><p>He jumped slightly when he felt a hand around his wrist, Matteo reaching out for him clumsily. But he didn’t flinch, instead he felt himself relaxing at Matteo’s touch. This was fine.</p><p>“Ok, can you try and pull it down? And I’ll pull the front?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said.</p><p>It took him a few goes before he got hold of the binder. Matteo’s clumsy grabbing at him actually helped him relax more, his shoulders dropping slightly as he felt at ease with Matteo. David pulled at the front, Matteo at the back. It was a struggle, but they managed it. When he was covered David took a breath and stretched, shaking out his arms.</p><p>“It’s tight,” he said, trying not to panic. It was a little scary being compressed like this. Matteo’s hands came up to his shoulders and stroked them gently.</p><p>“Just keep breathing,” he said gently.</p><p>David did, he was ok, he could breathe it was just different, just took some getting used to.</p><p>“Don’t hulk out, or it’ll rip,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Fuck off,” David muttered, relaxing a little now. He smiled because Matteo had his eyes closed. He didn’t need to see he was amused.</p><p>“Can I look?” Matteo asked. </p><p>David looked down at himself, staring at his now flat chest. “Yeah,” he said. He was shaking, trembling. He felt overwhelmed. It worked, it worked so well.</p><p>Matteo stepped round to stand in front of him. He blinked and grinned at him. “Nice,” he said simply.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“It’s good, better than your old one,” Matteo said, picking the old one up from the back of the chair and holding it at arm’s length. “This was supposed to be white?”</p><p>“Oh fuck off, it was already a bit grey when I got it,” David said, stretching again, then rolling his shoulder.</p><p>These ones were black, just like he wanted, just like he’d had saved in his basket for months. He wore mostly black now. Partly to hide, but also because it looked good. Made him feel cool, as cool as Matteo always said he was.</p><p>He reached out and Matteo pulled him into his arms. </p><p>“Ok?” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“I’m really shaky,” David said, hiding against him. He was the most naked he’d ever been with another person since he was a kid, but he felt safe and calm. This was no different from when Matteo changed shirts in front of him. He stayed there until the shaking stopped and he felt comfortable. </p><p>“Because it’s good, right?”</p><p>“So good,” David agreed. “Are my parents really out?”</p><p>“Yeah, your mum went somewhere with your dad, she said hi to me and let me in. Laura’s in the kitchen, she’s texting, didn’t even notice me,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Girlfriend stuff,” David explained.</p><p>Laura had actually started telling him stuff again recently. She went through a phase of thinking he was too young and gross to get this stuff, but she seemed to think he was old enough now. </p><p>She was going to university in the autumn, would be moving out. She was very independent, couldn’t wait to be out on her own, but her girlfriend Nina wanted to move in. Laura wasn’t ready for that. She’d told David all of this the other day. To him it sounded like perhaps she didn’t actually want a girlfriend right now, if she didn’t want to live with her. She’d hit him when he told her that, said he didn’t understand. </p><p>David had said it would be nice to live with someone, just the two of them. And she’d gone quiet and said, no, she didn’t think so, that perhaps Nina wasn’t that person. Then she’d hugged him tight, kissed his cheek and left him alone. He had no idea what the conclusion of that was. Being in a relationship certainly seemed complicated. Although Laura was possibly just being dramatic.</p><p>“Lets go look,” David said.</p><p>He dragged Matteo into his parents’ room to look in the full-length mirror they had. When he finally saw himself properly he started tearing up, couldn’t help it. It was so much better. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough. For now, it was enough. Matteo crept up behind him and when David nodded, he wrapped his arms around him and hooked his chin over his shoulder. They were about the same height now and had been for a few months. Matteo was no longer smaller than him but David liked it, liked that they were the same, wouldn’t even mind if Matteo got taller, would rather see that than the way he tried to make himself smaller sometimes. He always wanted Matteo to stand tall.</p><p>“You look good,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I look right,” David said.</p><p>“You look right,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“Can I have your t-shirt? Mine are baggier,” David asked.</p><p>“It’s a bit smelly, I slept in it,” Matteo admitted, blushing a little. David knew he’d come straight over the moment he’d woken up, he could tell from his wild hair.</p><p>“I know I can smell you from here,” David teased.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes, pulled off his sweater, then the t-shirt he had underneath. All his sweaters were baggy and so were his t-shirts, but he was a bit skinnier than David so it should be a proper fit on him. David pulled it on. It hung perfectly, looked exactly right.</p><p>“Yes look, look Matteo, look at me!” he said, turning and staring at himself in the mirror.</p><p>“I see it,” Matteo said softly.</p><p>“It’s right, this is right,” David said.</p><p>“It’s a good present?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Thank you, I don’t know if you have any idea what you’ve done, what this means,” David said quietly, still staring in the mirror.</p><p>“I do, this isn’t a want or a whim for you, this is something you need. To your mum she sees it as something you want, like an item of clothing. She just doesn’t understand, that’s all. In reality, it’s more like something you need, like a cast if your arm was broken. I couldn’t stand them not listening anymore. They will eventually, but you don’t have time. It’s summer again and you want to be more comfortable than last year. Papa gave me his credit card, for food and stuff, and I was just ordering mama’s medication online and it hit me. It was the same, and I had money, or papa has money, so why shouldn’t I get this for you?”</p><p>That was exactly right. How many times had he told them all it was something he needed? Matteo listened, he always listened.</p><p>“And he won’t even notice, and if he does, I’ll say it was clothes. It won’t actually say on the bill what it is, don’t worry,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Matteo, will he get mad at you?”</p><p>“He won’t notice,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“But will he?”</p><p>“Maybe, but I don’t care. This was worth it. I’ll buy you more just to make you comfortable like this, I don’t give a shit, I don’t want his money, I want a dad,” Matteo said, “He’s going, next week he’s going already, now that I’m home to take care of mama.”</p><p>David knew that Matteo would give up all his dad’s money, all the stuff he bought him just to have him there.</p><p>“I’m sorry Matteo, I’m sorry he does this. But thank you, thank you, I did need this, I feel so good right now Matteo,” David said, wrapping Matteo up in his arms again and hugging him tighter than he’d been able to for a while.</p><p>“You can’t wear it to boxing,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“I know,” David said, rolling his eyes. Matteo was such a worrier, like he didn’t know what he could and couldn’t do.</p><p>“Or to bed, David.”</p><p>“I know!”</p><p>“I’m going to stay over and make sure,” Matteo said.</p><p>David rolled his eyes but squeezed him tightly. He stayed over all the time, anyway; he was just making excuses. David didn’t care, he wanted Matteo over; he didn’t need to hide under the guise of keeping an eye on him.</p><p>“Can we go to yours?” he asked.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Try on your other t-shirts,” David said.</p><p>Matteo nodded but frowned, following David to his room.</p><p>“They’re all the same though?” Matteo said. </p><p>David swapped his pyjamas for shorts and grinned at him. “I know but they fit me right, they’re tighter, I’m going to steal some,” he said, quickly rushing into the bathroom to clean up then dragging him downstairs.</p><p>“Then I want yours! You can’t just take all my clothes, David!”</p><p>“Help yourself, they’ll be too big for you,” David teased. “Bye, Laura!” he yelled.</p><p>“All my clothes are too big, it’s my style,” Matteo said, squinting in the sunlight as they stepped outside.</p><p>They were, but they’d still be smaller than the oversized shirts he wore.</p><p>“I need to find my style,” David said.</p><p>“Thought it was all black, vampire boy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Go away, I look good and you know it,” David said. </p><p>“Uh uh, you can’t tell me to go away anymore, I’m literally giving you my clothes, you have to be nice to me,” Matteo said, watching him climb onto the bench and tower over him. </p><p>He always did this when they were at the bus stop, could never just sit down like a normal person, always had to be moving and climbing. He reached out and climbed onto Matteo, who huffed and wobbled but held his ground.</p><p>“No Matteo, I cannot be bought, you can’t just buy me binders so I’m nice to you,” David teased.</p><p>“I- that’s not-”</p><p>“I know, you were being kind, you’re always so kind,” David said gently.</p><p>Matteo just smiled and let him down as the bus pulled up.</p><p>“I like to make you smile, that’s why I did it, because I knew it would make you happy.”</p><p>“You always make me happy, Matteo. And… I think we should go swimming this year,” David said, pushing Matteo into the corner and standing beside him. He’d wanted to since last year, wanted to splash around and have fun with Matteo. Plus, it was hot and there was only so much time they could spend in Matteo’s cellar. </p><p>“I’d like that,” Matteo said sleepily.</p><p>Now that the excitement was wearing off he was crashing. David just smiled to himself happily and stood beside him, watching all the people around them. All of them on their way to work, or home, or shopping, none of them giving him odd or confused looks. Nobody paid him any attention, just saw two boys on their summer holidays, mucking around.</p><p>After David had tried on all of Matteo’s boring t-shirts and selected a few that would keep him going until he could go shopping, he started rooting around in his wardrobe to see what else he had.</p><p>“What are all these?” David demanded, pulling out a garishly printed shirt. There were dozens of them. He’d never seen Matteo in any of this stuff.</p><p>“These were my grandpa’s, I like them, I think he was very stylish,” Matteo said, blushing slightly.</p><p>“Marco dresses like this, I’ve seen it on his insta,” David said. </p><p>These were shirts for going out in, when you wanted people to look at you. Marco went out a lot and took a lot of photos, him and Frankie dressed up, looking amazing. David loved how bold they were, wished he were brave enough to do that. Hoped one day when he was older, he could go to cool parties like that.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s… I want to wear clothes like this, but I’m not brave enough. These jumpers were his too. He didn’t like it in Berlin, said it was too cold. Nonna knitted him all these sweaters so he could come visit me lots. She made me little ones too, but I like these now. I miss him,” Matteo said, pulling at the sleeves of the jumper.</p><p>“I like the big ones too, they suit you,” David said. “Was he kind? I bet he was.”</p><p>“He was always so kind and gentle, with me and my mum,” Matteo said.</p><p>“That’s so good, I bet he was a lot like you,” David said. “Can I try one on? I’ll be really careful,” he promised.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo said, handing him a black button up with a pink flower print. It looked a little silly, or at least a little different, but David liked it. Like Matteo he probably wouldn’t wear it out, it was too big for a start but he would wear it around the house with Matteo. Despite the size it hung just right, looked correct on him.</p><p>Matteo smiled and pulled off his own t-shirt, grabbing a pale blue shirt with brightly coloured birds all over it. He pulled it on, looking ready for a beach party. David grinned at him.</p><p>“Blue is your colour,” he said.</p><p>Matteo just blushed.</p><p>The door swung open, making Matteo jump and grab for his sweater. It was too late to hide. His dad walked in and looked at both of them standing there in the silly shirts.</p><p>“I’m going out, I’ll be gone all day,” he said, looking Matteo up and down, “take off that fucking shirt, people will get the wrong idea about you,” he added. </p><p>Matteo hung his head in shame. David tensed and tried to stay calm.</p><p>“Sorry papa,” he mumbled, pulling at the shirt.</p><p>“And stay away from Marco, giving you all sorts of ideas. You need to toughen up,” Matteo’s dad said.</p><p>“You know Marco’s a boxer, right?” David said, couldn’t help himself. Matteo tensed, so David moved in front of him.</p><p>“I know exactly what Marco is,” Berto muttered.</p><p>“And what’s wrong with the shirt? I think he looks good,” David said, staring the man down. He wasn’t scared of him, he hated him.</p><p>Berto looked at Matteo again and muttered something in Italian, then stalked off. Behind him, David heard Matteo sniffle.</p><p>“What did he say?” David asked, turning to face him.</p><p>“You know what he said, just the same shit he always says about me,” Matteo muttered, moving to pull off the shirt. </p><p>“Don’t, don’t take it off. It was your grandpa’s, he would’ve loved to see you wearing it,” David said gently.</p><p>“It’s different, he was old. It’s not ok for us to wear them,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It absolutely is, I’m going to wear this all day. Your dad can fuck off,” David said, taking Matteo’s hands and squeezing them tight.</p><p>Matteo nodded tiredly. “Do you want breakfast?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes please, feed me, I’m starving,” David said, which made Matteo laugh a little.</p><p>“What do you want?” Matteo asked, as they headed down to the kitchen.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“Honestly? A big bowl of pasta,” Matteo said. </p><p>David knew it was because he wanted to be comforted, he was thinking of his grandparents and missing them.</p><p>“I could eat pasta,” David said, sitting down at the counter.</p><p>“Not too early?”</p><p>“Nah, I’m starving, I could eat ten bowls of pasta,” David admitted. His stomach rumbled as if to prove his point.</p><p>“You’re always starving,” Matteo said, getting out a pan and filling it with water, then carefully carrying it to the hob.</p><p>“Just wait until I start t, I’ll have to move in with you. Frankie said he had to eat like every hour at first,” David said.</p><p>“So like you now then?” Matteo teased.</p><p>“Fuck off Matteo, you’re so rude. We’re growing we need to eat,” David insisted.</p><p>“You ate three whole packets of biscuits the other day,” Matteo reminded him.</p><p>“I was hungry,” David said.</p><p>“They were my biscuits,” Matteo complained.</p><p>“I didn’t realise how many I’d eaten,” David said sheepishly.</p><p>Matteo had pouted so much when he realised there were no more biscuits left, had complained that David was starving him. There had in fact been plenty of crisps left, so he was just being dramatic.</p><p>“Matteo,” Sophie said quietly, coming into the kitchen.</p><p>“Hey mama, come sit, I’m making pasta for breakfast,” Matteo said, waving her in.</p><p>“That’s nice, dear. You boys look very handsome,” she said, looking at them, vaguely confused. It was like she didn’t quite know what was going on, why she was there. She looked at David like she didn’t quite recognise him. He didn’t like it at all.</p><p>“Thank you, Sophie,” he said gently.</p><p>“Are you going to a party?” she asked.</p><p>“No, we just felt like dressing up,” David explained.</p><p>Matteo spoke in Italian then, repeating whatever it was his father said. It was like the fog lifted in Sophie’s eyes, just for a few seconds. Whatever she said back was harsh and angry, not at Matteo but at her husband. Matteo nodded, relieved, and came over to hug her.</p><p>“That man is an idiot, I think you both look very fashionable, you should dress how you want, don’t let a grumpy old man tell you otherwise,” she said.</p><p>“Thank you mama,” Matteo said, going back to the stove.</p><p>Sophie turned to David. “You have to look after him,” she said firmly.</p><p>“I will,” David said.</p><p>“You’re getting so big, so strong and handsome, you have to look after my Matteo,” she insisted, a little panicky.</p><p>“I swear Sophie, I swear that I will.” </p><p>He pulled her in for a hug, holding her gently, wincing at how frail she felt. </p><p>“I will look after both of you,” he promised.</p><p>She pulled back and smiled at him then, and he knew she saw him now. It was the truth, he would take care of them. He would protect Matteo from his dad. They would be ok. Summer was just starting, and David was going to make sure it was a good one.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Up next:</p><p>Swimming, a kiss, an argument, and avoiding feelings at all costs</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David never even realised how much he missed swimming, how much he missed being in the water. He never reaslied how fun it was splashing around with company. It was just a shame Matteo preferred sleeping over swimming. It would be easy for David to get him back in the water though, Matteo always did what he said. But this time he was going to do something to completely blindside him. Something both a surprise and yet at the same time completely inevitable.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A week later they were finally in the water, finally swimming. Well, David was. Matteo had entertained the idea for about ten minutes, then he’d gone straight back to dry land to lie down and sleep. It was still early, and he was tired. </p><p>In fairness, David had dragged him out of bed at seven that morning. He’d forced him onto his bike and made him cycle all the way out there. So he got it, why he was so tired. </p><p>David wasn’t tired at all, he’d woken up feeling more comfortable than usual and knew it was time to head out to the water. He was full of energy, as usual, and he finally had a way of burning it off.</p><p>It was just as fun as he’d thought it would be. He was delighted to be in the water, swimming, splashing around, just floating there in the water.</p><p>They’d gone to the main lake first, but it was already getting busy. So they kept going, further and further out. Matteo barely even complained. He wasn’t a fan of crowds either. They eventually found a little pool, separate from the main body of water. </p><p>They were really far out. No one else bothered to come this far for such a small pool of water, but David loved it. It was all theirs. Yeah, it wasn’t as big as the main lake, and it wasn’t as nice. When he’d first run into the water, he’d disturbed the bottom and kicked up loads of mud, making it pretty murky. There were lots of trees and weeds surrounding it, which meant there was nowhere to sunbathe. Plus, with all the trees it was darker too. But David didn’t want to sunbathe.</p><p>He could swim comfortably with a t-shirt on and no one else could say anything. That’s what he wanted.</p><p>Unlike Matteo, David could stay in the water for hours. He could swim round the lake, practice all the different styles. He hadn’t swum in years, but his front crawl was still fast and powerful. In the middle, he could dive down and stay under for several long minutes. </p><p>It really was everything he’d hoped it would be.</p><p>Still, it would be nice to have some company, someone to play with, to race against. Although it would be a very unfair race. He swam back to the shore and stood over Matteo, dripping over him until he woke up screeching and thrashing around. Then he laid down beside him.</p><p>“You’re such an asshole,” Matteo muttered, squinting at him.</p><p>Matteo was certainly a lot grumpier these days. And he was so tired. It was all the time now. The other day David had stayed with him while he slept all day, and he was still exhausted when he woke up in the late afternoon. But David didn’t mind grumpy, he got it. Things were shit at home for Matteo. It was affecting him deeply. David knew all about that, the effect home life had on them. He knew how exhausting it was to put on a brave face, pretend everything was ok. Matteo didn’t need to pretend with him, so he didn’t. He let David know he was tired, that he wasn’t in a good mood, asked him if he didn’t mind putting up with him. He didn’t mind at all. It didn’t even feel like putting up with anything. He loved Matteo’s company. Whatever mood he was in, he just wanted to be with him. Plus, it was always a nice feeling to be the one person who could still make him smile. </p><p>He reached out and flicked Matteo’s nose, causing him to scowl.</p><p>“I’m bored on my own, come swim with me,” David insisted.</p><p>“In a minute then,” Matteo said, sounding absolutely exhausted.</p><p>“You ok?”</p><p>“Long night,” Matteo said</p><p>David knew what that meant. It was the other reason they were out there, to keep Matteo out of the house, keep him away from his dad. The constant yelling wasn’t good for him, and David didn’t particularly want to be in the house with them either. He had been there the other day with Matteo just sitting beside him waiting for it to stop, eyes closed as he tried not to cry. His dad yelling, his mum screaming back, Matteo in the middle of it all, terrified. </p><p>In the end, despite the late hour, he’d made Matteo climb out of the window with him and they’d run away. They’d just walked and walked for hours until they found a park and collapsed there together. They’d stayed out all night, hiding under a climbing frame, huddled together until the sun came up. No one had even noticed they’d gone. He hadn’t told his mum that though, she would’ve gone mad with him. Because he knew really they should’ve just gone to his house. </p><p>But there was just something so appealing about being out at night. He had snuck out a few times, to the old abandoned housing estate just by his house. He was getting pretty good at street art now. Matteo said he was a hoodlum. David insisted he was an artist.</p><p>“What happened?” David asked.</p><p>“Papa left last night, he’s gone to stay in Italy for a couple of weeks. Again,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Shit,” David said.</p><p>“He said he was going to be back in a couple of weeks, for work, David, not for me. And he said he was going home David. He doesn’t think this is home anymore. I don’t… I…”</p><p>“I’m sorry Matteo, he’s really wrong to do this to you,” David said, reaching out and wiping his tears away.</p><p>“It’s fine, I don’t want him, anyway. It’s better when it’s just the two of us. But mama was upset. She tried to go to church, I think she wanted to pray for him. But it was nighttime. She shouted at me, David, she never shouts at me. And it took hours to calm her down David. I feel like I shouldn’t leave her at all. She’s calm now. I shouldn’t leave her, but I have to get out of there sometimes, it’s so much,” Matteo said.</p><p>David took his hand and squeezed it.</p><p>“It’s ok, you’re a kid. We’re just kids, we shouldn’t have to deal with so much,” David said. “Let me tell mum he’s gone again, she’ll go round, they can gossip and chat like they always do. It’ll help Sophie and you can have a break.”</p><p>“It is so much, I’m so tired,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>“You wanna talk about it?”</p><p>“Not right now,” Matteo said.</p><p>Matteo liked to talk at night, buried under the blankets, whispering all his secrets and his fears to David. </p><p>David always reciprocated. He told Matteo everything. He never thought he would, never thought he’d share some of these things with anyone, but he did with Matteo. He told him all the shit he was going through, knowing he would listen. He shared his whole heart with Matteo, and it didn’t even scare him. He never even hesitated. He wanted Matteo to know all of him.</p><p>There was other stuff, too. Matteo never tired of assuring David that his shirts were baggy enough to hide him. He never mocked him when David asked him to walk around the room and then let him copy him until he got the gait down. He warned David he probably wasn’t the best example to use, unless constantly tripping was the look he was going for. But his easy, patient attitude constantly made David feel comfortable and at ease. David never thought he could have someone like that.</p><p>One strange thing, though, was how aggressively protective Matteo was of him. It didn’t quite suit his personality, but at the same time David supposed it was an extension of his caring nature. Countless times Matteo had threatened to come to the school and beat up his bullies. Even though they’d not actually laid a hand on him, just called him shit and mocked him. David was sure if or when it came to it, he could take them in a fight. Matteo? Not so much. </p><p>But he appreciated it. School was still pretty shit, but knowing he had Matteo was enough to keep him going. It also made him brave enough to talk to the other kids. He’d talked back to the assholes, put them in their place. He’d approached kids he thought looked kind because there had to be more of them out there. None were as kind as Matteo but there were good kids too. He had people at his school who he considered to be his friends. Nothing like what he had outside of school, though.</p><p>Because he had Jonas too, and Abdi and Carlos. All of them knew he had problems at school. He’d complained about it at length, how these dickheads were trying to ruin his life. So all four boys had offered, on numerous occasions, to come over to his school and kick their asses. It was a terrible idea; the boys were not fighters and would end up getting their asses handed back to them, and David just wanted to keep his head down, anyway. He was coping just fine. School was something he could deal with, and everything outside of it was pretty wonderful, and he had told them as much.</p><p>“Let me distract you then,” David suggested.</p><p>Because he wanted to care for Matteo just like he did for him.</p><p>“Tired David, so tired,” Matteo said, like he had the whole weight of the world on his shoulders.</p><p>“C’mon you’re supposed to be swimming with me,” David said. </p><p>He knew Matteo was tired, but he also knew it would help to take his mind off his problems. Sometimes all he could do was distract him.</p><p>“Fine,” Matteo huffed. </p><p>But he allowed David to pull him up and shove him towards the water. </p><p>As he stumbled over there Matteo pulled at the t-shirt David was wearing, his own discarded with the towels. David smirked at his pale, skinny best friend and prodded his tummy.</p><p>Matteo batted his hands away. “Why don’t you wear a wetsuit or something?” he suggested.</p><p>“Too clingy,” David said, pulling Matteo into the water, and smirking as he hopped about in the cool water.</p><p>“Don’t… what if you drown?” Matteo worried.</p><p>“I won’t,” David insisted. “They do have… special costumes but I don’t know, they’re expensive, there’s no point asking,” he said.</p><p>“I’ll buy you one for your birthday,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You can’t just buy me things,” David said, but he knew it wasn’t about the money, he was just enabling David until his parents accepted that these were his needs. And he knew they would. Plus, one day when he was rich and famous, he would be the one spoiling him. Although he couldn’t think of anything extravagant Matteo would want, just his body weight in pasta.</p><p>“Not my money. But it’s funny though, because it’s like my dad’s becoming your sugar daddy, inadvertently,” Matteo said. </p><p>He finally laughed loudly at that thought.</p><p>“That’s the fucking grossest thing I’ve ever heard,” David said, shoving him away.</p><p>Matteo just continued to laugh, and David delighted in it.</p><p>“Let’s race to the other side,” David suggested, knowing he’d get a complaint for that.</p><p>“That’s miles,” Matteo whined. </p><p>It wasn’t miles; it wasn’t far at all, David could cross it in under a minute. It wasn’t that deep either. And the shore wasn’t sandy, it was grass, and you had to climb up to get out. There was no real beach, which was why no one seemed to be bothering them there.</p><p>David just took off, leaving Matteo sputtering in his wake. When he reached the middle, he turned around to tease Matteo, but he was nowhere to be seen. David frowned and spun all the way around, searching for Matteo. </p><p>He wasn’t worried, Matteo was a good swimmer, not fast but strong. If he could be bothered he would out swim David in distance every time.</p><p>Suddenly, Matteo surfaced right in front of him, grinning wildly. David had known getting back in the water would lift his mood. Matteo shook his head, sending water flying everywhere. David grinned back at him, he couldn’t help it. He felt his heart leaping at Matteo’s happiness.</p><p>“Boo,” Matteo said, spreading his arms out to keep afloat, his long hair sticking to his face. </p><p>David treaded water and reached out to push his hair back, wanting to see him properly.</p><p>“Was that supposed to scare me?” he challenged.</p><p>“No. Maybe,” Matteo said. His cheeks were pink, and when the sun broke through the trees, his eyes shone so blue. They sparkled with mirth. </p><p>David just stared, he could stare at Matteo for hours he realised. He frowned slightly at that errant thought. No idea where it had come from. But it wasn’t scary, it felt like something he’d already felt for a long time.</p><p>Matteo just continued to smile at him as he bobbed closer. He reached out and stroked a finger over David’s cheek, causing him to shiver. Something important was about to happen. David closed his eyes. Suddenly it was all too intense. He could feel how close Matteo was, and his heart was pounding in his chest. He felt breathless and nervous, in a good way. He knew he should push Matteo away for being silly, but he didn’t want to. He knew what was about to happen, and he didn’t want to push Matteo away. He wanted it too badly, had for longer than he’d even realised.</p><p>David felt Matteo’s lips brush against his just briefly, barely even a kiss, but he would always count it. Even years down the line when Matteo argued against it, he would always say that was their first kiss.</p><p>Matteo moved back slightly, and David opened his eyes slowly.</p><p>Matteo was just staring at him, smiling and a little shocked at what he’d just done.</p><p>“Why did you do that?” David asked, wincing at the tone of his voice.</p><p>It came out harsh, sounded a lot like demanding. He didn’t mean for it to come out that way. He was so blunt sometimes. Matteo blinked and shook his head, his smile fading away quickly.</p><p>“I’m not… why did you kiss me? I’m not a girl,” David said.</p><p>Matteo looked like he’d slapped him and David knew why, but he had to clarify, had to make sure. Even though he knew, he was almost sure about Matteo now, but he had to know or he would always worry. </p><p>Matteo didn’t even say anything, he just turned around and swam back to shore. David stayed there, treading water for a moment before his brain caught up with him. Then he chased after Matteo. He caught up with him easily, but didn’t stop him. This would go easier on solid ground. When they reached the edge, Matteo climbed out and went straight back to the towels. David followed him nervously. </p><p>Suddenly, he was terrified that Matteo was going to leave. He was scared that he’d broken something, and their friendship was over. Even though it was Matteo that kissed him, David felt like <em>he’d</em> just possibly ruined everything.</p><p>But Matteo didn’t leave, he sat down and stared out at the water. </p><p>Over the past few years David had gotten older, grown in ways he didn’t want to. His reflection was shifting further and further away from how he wanted it. One of the only good changes was that he was still getting taller. Most other things caused him daily distress, sometimes so unbearable it would take Laura or Matteo hours to coax him out of bed. Sometimes he couldn’t even allow them in the room, Matteo always sat outside in the hall on days like that, chatting away with him through the door. </p><p>How his parents still half hoped this was just a phase was beyond him. </p><p>But still these were still changes that were inevitable for him. And he knew once he made it to sixteen he would get to have the changes he wanted. He’d mostly made peace with it, he could make it and he knew he would be ok. </p><p>But if he’d grown in the ways expected for him in the two years that had passed, then Matteo’s changes were on another level. He was the same height as David now, still skinnier, very much on the lanky side. Still clumsy too, all awkward and long-limbed. His hair was long again, but messier than the last few summers. It was neglected, like no one had remembered to cut it in a while. His clothes too, apart from his grandfather’s old things, were a little small. His trousers too short because no one had taken him shopping in a while. His father giving him his credit card meant nothing, Matteo was a child, and he needed an adult to take care of him. He didn’t think of these things. Neither did David, he knew it was time to get new clothes when his mum gave him that look and tutted at him. She called scruffy, but always fondly.</p><p>If David had aged two years, sometimes when he looked at Matteo he seemed to have aged twenty. He was so much more serious, so much quieter, all the noise from that house stealing away his voice. He hesitated now before everything, terrified of mis-stepping. It was why he was so upset right now and David got it, Matteo never mis-stepped around him and he relied on that fact.</p><p>“I’m sorry Matteo but… you kissed me I just… I needed to know why because… I’m changing and I need to know you still see me the same,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just shrugged.</p><p>This was new too, the insolence, the feigned indifference, trying to look like he didn’t care when inside he was screaming. David could see it in his wide eyes, the tension in his shoulders, the tremor in his hands. He was just as scared as David right now, and he was trying to hide it.</p><p>“Matteo please, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, but I’m not sorry I asked because I need to know,” he insisted.</p><p>“Because you were smiling, because your eyes were closed and you were smiling and you looked so happy. You looked fucking radiant, and it was all I could do,” Matteo whispered, still refusing to look at him.</p><p>David felt his cheeks heating up. He’d certainly messed this up a bit. “I… oh…”</p><p>“When did you know? You were young, right… when you knew?”</p><p>David realised what was happening just a moment too late. The reluctance, the hesitation, Matteo had never been like that around him before. It wasn’t a surprise; he knew Matteo better than anyone; it wasn’t a secret, just something that hadn’t come up yet. David knew what Matteo’s dad had said to him the other day when they’d dressed up. He could infer it from the tone of his voice alone. It was rude, disgusting, but now he had confirmation of why it had upset Matteo so much. David linked their fingers, trying to assure Matteo there was no pressure here, that his reaction would be good. He knew exactly how this felt.</p><p>“I was five or six… I thought it was everyone else’s mistake, you know?” David said.</p><p>Matteo nodded, still staring out across the water. David half wished he would look at him, but he didn’t think he wasn’t ready for that. </p><p>“When I was eight, I came home and told my parents I wanted to marry Jonas. I thought my dad was going to kill me, he was so angry, he grabbed me and shook me hard, said I was disgusting, he… mama sent me upstairs, but I could hear her telling him to calm down, that I was just a kid, just saying silly things. But… I meant it. Not that I wanted to marry Jonas, but that I didn’t… I couldn’t ever see myself marrying a girl. I didn’t understand it really but… I’ve always kind of known I think. Is it stupid?” </p><p>David gripped Matteo’s hand so tightly it had to hurt at this point, but Matteo just squeezed back.</p><p>“No,” he insisted.</p><p>“I don’t know David, not yet I don’t want to,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“That’s ok,” David said.</p><p>“I just… I kissed you because you’re a boy, because I trust you more than anyone, because you were smiling, because you’re my best friend and the most important person in the world and in that moment you were so filled with joy I had to kiss you. I just wanted to kiss you. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it,” he said.</p><p>David’s worries faded in an instant. Matteo had kissed him for all the right reasons, and now his face felt like it was on fire. Because that meant Matteo saw and liked him in exactly the way David wanted.</p><p>“No, don’t be sorry. I freaked out, I’m sorry,” David said.</p><p>“Don’t be sorry either,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Neither of us should be sorry,” David decided. “You did nothing wrong, I was wrong, but it was because I panicked.”</p><p>“I think I’d like to forget about it for a while,” Matteo said.</p><p>“That we kissed?”</p><p>“No… what we just talked about. I don’t want to think about it yet, there’s just so much. Everything is so much. I can’t… I can’t, not yet. I can’t tell mama she’s sick, although I think maybe she knows? I can’t tell papa, he’d kill me, I’m so scared, he’d get so mad. Or he’d punish me, he’d send me away, and then who would look after mama? I can’t tell the other boys, they wouldn’t get it, they don’t know these kinds of secrets, David it’s all so much,” he said.</p><p>David nodded and wrapped an arm around him, holding him close. Matteo had been suffering in silence for too long now. That was going to stop. He was going to sit down every day with Matteo and make him talk, make him speak about his worries, just like he did with David all the time.</p><p>Because David got it, got how painful these kinds of secrets were to keep inside. It was never really a secret from David but he was hiding from everyone else and that took its toll.</p><p>“The thing is Matteo, I think… I think I like boys too, but I’m not sure… but yeah I do, I know I’ve said about it before, I told you that I thought maybe I did, but I’m certain. Now I’m certain,” he said.</p><p>He knew it was true. He’d thought about it for a long time now, but that barely there kiss from Matteo had confirmed it. Yes, he’d reacted badly because of his fears but what he’d actually wanted to say was kiss me again. He definitely liked boys, or he definitely liked a certain boy. Maybe that was why he’d been denying it for so long. Now David wanted to punch himself for freaking out.</p><p>Matteo laughed then, light and free like, eyes shining as he relaxed fully against David. It was as if David had told him the best news ever. David wasn’t sure why, he wondered if it was just because it was something they had in common. Or if it was because it was something he knew he could come to David to talk about whenever he needed to. Or because David had confided in him. Maybe it was because these had been secrets and now they were shared. Or perhaps, just maybe, it was because Matteo wanted to kiss him again. He hoped for the latter.</p><p>“I… I’ve been thinking about it too, but I… I don’t want to deal with it yet either because what does it mean for me?” David asked him.</p><p>“It means you’re gay or bi or whatever,” Matteo said simply.</p><p>“Well duh,” David said.</p><p>“No, David, I know you. Right now you’re thinking, <em>am I a boy if I like boys? </em>But it was you who told me, and Frankie who told you, that those two things are not mutually exclusive. We’re the same, don’t doubt that, we’re just boys and we like boys,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yes, that’s what we are,” David agreed. He knew it in theory, but it was always hard applying these things to himself. “I still don’t want to deal with it yet, relationships, boyfriends, all that stuff sounds so hard.” </p><p>“Your mum would probably take it as a good sign in all the wrong ways,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh yeah, she so would, god I can hear her now. I go home and tell her you kissed me, she’ll start picking out wedding dresses,” David said.</p><p>“Do not tell your mum I kissed you,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“She would never let me stay over again,” Matteo said.</p><p>That was true, and he couldn’t have that. They were quiet for a while, but it was comfortable this time. They had cleared the air. They understood each other again. Better than before. After a while, David grinned.</p><p>“Do you still want to marry Jonas?” he teased.</p><p>“I don’t want to marry anyone,” Matteo said darkly, “it’s a sham.”</p><p>“I don’t believe you,” David said, turning to smile at him.</p><p>Matteo just stared back. “What?”</p><p>“I know your parents are the shittiest example of marriage, but you’re definitely going to get married one day,” David promised.</p><p>“No one’s going to want to marry me and I can’t, can I? If I wanted to marry a boy,” Matteo reminded him.</p><p>“Times are changing, I know it’s slow. Look, here’s the deal, if we’re thirty and still single and gay marriage is legal here, and all my paperwork is in order, I’ll marry you,” David promised him with a grin, knowing that would get him riled up.</p><p>“Thanks for that,” Matteo said dryly, not taking the bait this time.</p><p>“You’re welcome,” David said, bumping their shoulders. He watched Matteo for a bit, noting just how relieved he seemed to be after sharing his worries. This had been hurting him badly, keeping it all inside. It hadn’t been a secret and Matteo had said he didn’t want to talk about it, but he clearly did. He was relieved that he could now. They were going to be fine, David was sure of that. </p><p>“Matteo?”</p><p>“Mm?”</p><p>“I liked the kiss,” he whispered.</p><p>“It was barely anything,” Matteo said, going bright red and pulling his hair down over his face.</p><p>“I liked it though and next time-”</p><p>“Next time?” Matteo demanded.</p><p>“Next time you kiss me I’ll react better, I promise,” David told him, reaching out and uncovering his face.</p><p>“What makes you think I’ll ever fucking kiss <em>you </em>again?”</p><p>“You won’t be able to resist me,” David said.</p><p>“In your dreams,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Maybe I’ll kiss you,” David said.</p><p>“Can’t wait,” Matteo said.</p><p>David knew him, knew when he was joking or telling the truth, this was a half truth. Matteo liked the idea very much, but it made him nervous. David would kiss him again one day and it would go better than it had today, but even as badly as he’d reacted he thought it was pretty perfect.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next</p><p>a day trip with the boys and all the banter that entails, terrible flirting, and a silly summer pact</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David may not be dealing with his feelings, but he was thinking about them. A lot. All the time really. He couldn't stop. It was nothing new and yet since the kiss it was at the forefront of his mind constantly. But somehow he's not afraid at all. He's excited. He has the best group of friends ever and a wonderful summer ahead of him. There's no need to be scared, he's so far from alone.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Matteo was almost back to his cheery self after a few weeks. Mostly because he was staying out of the house as much as possible. </p><p>David feared he’d never quite get back to the happy-go-lucky Matteo of a few years ago, but then they were growing up. Still, he was doing better, and he said every morning that it was thanks to David taking care of him. He assured him he was happy, and that was enough.</p><p>It was such a relief. David hadn’t even realised just how much he’d been worrying. Since the day at the lake, Matteo was lighter and freer than he had been before, and David was delighted. Matteo was smiling more, he’d washed his hair too. David’s mum had stepped in and taken both of them shopping, a little earlier than she’d planned. That seemed to help too, knowing that he had an adult to rely on. As much as David disagreed with her on his own stuff, she had exactly the right approach with Matteo.</p><p>But holding onto secrets must’ve really been weighing on him. Trying to hide part of himself like that was hard. Not that it ever was hidden or a secret, but he was not being honest with himself. He’d needed to talk about it, and so had David. They’d both been ignoring it. David was so glad Matteo had kissed him and brought it all out in the open. He was so glad they’d talked about it. Matteo was the one person he could tell anything to, he hated to think of them misunderstanding each other. </p><p>Although they’d both said they wanted to ignore it, they’d continued to talk about it again and again. They talked about what it meant for both of them, who they were, and it was absolutely wonderful to have that. He knew Matteo felt the same. That relief of knowing he wasn’t the only one going through this, that there was someone else who got it. It was how David had felt when he met Frankie.</p><p>He was still a little quiet, but that seemed to be who he was becoming. They were all changing. It was a bit strange, Matteo was becoming quieter, and he was getting louder. He wasn’t just talking to fill the silence either. It was like Marco always said; he had too big a personality to keep quiet. David had never thought he would be loud or chatty, that he could be. He thought he would have to keep his head down, be invisible. But that wasn’t the case at all. Outside of school, he was definitely the loudest of the group. Abdi and Carlos didn’t count because they only talked crap. David liked feeling confident though, he really could see why Matteo thought he was so cool sometimes. </p><p>They hadn’t gone to their lake today like they had the past few days. It wasn’t just the two of them either. Instead, they’d gone to the more popular lake Jonas insisted on visiting. Jonas, Carlos, and Abdi wanted to watch some group of girls from their school. Matteo had explained it all in a very uninterested tone that morning when they were getting ready. </p><p>There were lots of little things like this that David had always noticed. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t been surprised at all when Matteo came out to him. So much about his character just made sense. His disinterest in girls was a big one. That had been a thing all year. While the other boys started talking about girls, wouldn’t shut up about them in fact, Matteo had only complained to David about the dullness of the topic. Loudly and often. David found it all pretty amusing.</p><p>Right now they were laying together on the towels, both of them refusing to go in the water. For different reasons. He doubted the boys would say anything about his insistence on wearing a shirt, but he wasn’t willing to risk it yet. It wasn’t just them, there were too many strangers about. </p><p>He had told Matteo that he didn’t mind him going and joining his friends. That he would sit there and take care of their belongings. Matteo had just rolled his eyes. Then he’d laid down and gone to sleep. He was still sleeping now, so he wasn’t exactly good company.</p><p>David just lay there beside him. His mind drifted back to a few weeks ago, back at their lake when they kissed. He’d been doing that a lot lately. They hadn’t really talked about the kiss itself again, both of them not wanting to deal with their stupid feelings yet. Coming out was one thing, talking about who they were was fine. Dealing with their developing feelings and what they meant to each other was completely different. </p><p>But everything was good between them again. </p><p>Not that it had been bad. But Matteo had been withdrawing, and David hadn’t known quite how to handle it. They’d been fine, just a little off kilter. But now, it was just better between them, somehow even more comfortable than ever. He felt closer to Matteo than ever before. As if they’d reached an understanding, except David wasn’t sure what that understanding was. They were on the same page, but he wasn’t sure what that meant. He’d probably get it if they just talked more. </p><p>But it didn’t matter, it felt like they were going in the right direction. Toward something inevitable, yet at the same time something that was entirely their choice all along.</p><p>So David kept going back to that moment, that barely there kiss. Matteo had shrugged it off, but it counted for everything in his mind. Sometimes, on the rare nights he spent at home by himself, he thought about a time when he would be ready to deal with this. When Matteo was in a better place and he was more comfortable, more confident with himself. Maybe, just maybe, they could kiss again. For real this time.</p><p>He turned to Matteo now, sleeping beside him, and stared. It hit him like it often did, just how important he was. He was the most important person in his life. David loved him, there was no other way to describe it. He had for a long time. He was his best friend; he understood and listened to David in a way no one else had. He felt connected to Matteo on a completely different level to anyone else. That in itself was so special. </p><p>But that love was starting to change, or not change; it was as if these new feelings were additional, something more. David knew if he thought about it long enough, this was separate to that easy love of their childhood. But it was completely irremovable from that, completely entwined. One didn’t come without the other. It was terrifying but comforting at the same time because he knew he didn’t have to worry about it. It was Matteo and it would be ok. </p><p>He’d started noticing it last year, things like how nice it felt to hold his hand. He’d done that for years, but it felt different now. He wanted to hold hands like Marco and Frankie, or Laura and Nina, or even his parents. It was more than just comfort; it was just something he always wanted to do. Like hugging, or being held by him, it was intimate in the gentlest of ways.</p><p>He could feel his face heating up at all of these thoughts.</p><p>None of this was a blinding revelation, he’d felt this way before the kiss too. And he knew Matteo felt similarly. True, they didn’t talk about it, but they both knew. Every day it just got stronger. It seemed like it would never fade away, and David didn’t want it to. He wanted to love Matteo forever.  </p><p>He wasn’t comfortable enough with himself yet to explore that, hand holding and cuddles were pretty much his limit. He just needed to be a bit more comfortable in his self. He was getting there, but it would take time. Even that kiss had scared him, he’d liked it, but it had scared him too. But he knew one day when he was ready Matteo would be there. </p><p>Besides, it wasn’t just him. Right now Matteo was slowly losing all faith in love, David was the only thing keeping him going. That wasn’t the right state to start any kind of relationship. It would be too much pressure on both of them. Matteo needed to heal from his trauma, and that would be a while yet. </p><p>Right now above all else Matteo needed David to be his best friend, and right now that was all David wanted to be for him. They were still so young, David was finally getting some of the childhood he wanted to experience, let him be immature and daydream about kissing his best friend. For now, that was enough. </p><p>Still, he reached out and ran his finger over Matteo’s face. He traced his cheekbones, the dark circles under his eyes. He smoothed out the worried frown between his eyebrows. Then he very carefully, really gently ran it over his lips, just for a second before pulling it back and smiling to himself.</p><p>A few seconds later Matteo opened his eyes, blinking slowly and smiling back at him. That was David’s favourite look, that delight on his face whenever he woke up to find David there.</p><p>“Awake?” David whispered.</p><p>“Yeah, damn, I was tired,” Matteo said, yawning and stretching.</p><p>“Wanna swim?”</p><p>“Not really you?”</p><p>“Wanna go chase girls?” David teased. He gestured to the water where it seemed Jonas and the boys were trying to flirt with a group of girls.</p><p>“As much as I’d love to see them fucking up just talking to the opposite sex, I’m not really in the mood,” Matteo said, smiling slightly, shaking off the exhaustion a little.</p><p>“Ok,” David said with a grin, “they’re that bad at it?”</p><p>Matteo laughed then.</p><p>“So bad. Just awful. Did I tell you a month ago this girl Marta, who’s super hot according to Carlos, asked Abdi for a pen? But instead he literally emptied a big pot of yoghurt all over her,” he said.</p><p>David sat upright, laughing loudly until his eyes were streaming, then he collapsed against Matteo. “What the hell? Why?”</p><p>“I don’t even know. Like why is he carrying massive tubs of yoghurt in his rucksack? And I don’t know why he flung it over her. I have no idea what even happened, and I was there. It was a train wreck. This was flirting, apparently.”</p><p>“Idiot,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“It would be fun to watch them but… I wish we were at our lake,” David said.</p><p>He wanted to swim but he just couldn’t and he felt a little out of sorts. He felt a bit dumb just sitting there on the shore.</p><p>“Wanna do something?” Matteo asked, knowing he wanted to be swimming but couldn’t.</p><p>“Yeah, a bit restless,” David said.</p><p>“We could walk around,” Matteo said, pointing over at a cluster of trees.</p><p>“What about all the stuff?” David asked. </p><p>Matteo just stood up and held out his hand. David let him pull him up. Matteo waved to the boys who were splashing about in the water, chasing around some girls. David wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be impressive, but it didn’t seem to be working. Still, what did he know? He’d never tried to flirt with anyone.</p><p>They set off to walk around for a bit. He could hear the boys yelling after them, but he didn’t really care. Wanted to be moving for a bit.</p><p>They walked through the trees in silence for a while until they found a clearing and sat down, David against a tree, Matteo against him.</p><p>“Do your parents love each other?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“I… I don’t actually know,” David said.</p><p>He really didn’t. Well, he did. They loved each other in a way it just seemed different to the way he wanted to love someone. The way he wanted to be when he was in a relationship. Sometimes it seemed that they were just putting up with each other. But he knew they did love each other, they just weren’t affectionate. They fought sometimes, but they always made up. They supported each other. That was definitely true, and David didn’t think they’d ever leave each other. Maybe that’s what happened when you were married for a long time.</p><p>“Mine don’t, well… mama loves papa, even though he’s awful. But I don’t think it works the other way round,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“Oh,” David said, they’d both known this for a long time.</p><p>“That’s why I won’t get married,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I don’t understand,” David admitted, trying to get Matteo to turn and face him.</p><p>“People only love each other when they’re ok. Papa doesn’t love mama when she’s sick and she’s sick so often now that he doesn’t love her at all,” Matteo said sadly.</p><p>David leant forward so he could hold him tight.</p><p>It was terrible that he had to go through it, that he was in the middle of his family falling apart. That it was affecting him so deeply, it would impact him forever. His whole view on love and romance was being skewed, because David knew, knew just how soft and romantic Matteo would be, how much love he held in him, it spilled out of him, there was so much. And his family was destroying that. There was only so much David could do to mitigate it.</p><p>“But-”</p><p>“And sometimes David… sometimes I think maybe I’m like her,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>And this they both knew too, that Matteo wasn’t quite ok. He had struggled with his brain for as long as David had known him. Before that, even. David knew exactly what he meant, the times when he had to hide away, couldn’t get up, would cry for hours. The way he got so quiet sometimes, like when he started school and stopped speaking for weeks. The way he got so loud when he was wound up and the way things got too much and he completely checked out.</p><p>It seemed different to how his mum was though, but then David wasn’t an expert in such things. He did think he was an expert in Matteo, though.</p><p>“I would though, I would stay,” David said, because no matter what happened he wasn’t going to let Matteo be alone.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m not going to ever leave you, Matteo,” David promised.</p><p>“That’s different, David,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Maybe it is, but I’m going to be in your life forever Matteo, and if things get bad, in your head I’ll take care of you, you’ll never deal with this alone,” David said.</p><p>“You’ll get fed up,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Will you get fed up of your mum?”</p><p>“No, never! It’s so hard and sometimes I just can’t do it but I’m not fed up, it’s not her fault,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“I know Matteo and it’s the same ok? You are too important for me to ever get fed up of taking care of you. I’m not going to be like your dad,” he promised.</p><p>“Well duh, you’re my friend, it’s easier,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok, no, it’s not. Our friendship is the most important thing in the world to me, I couldn’t walk away from it any easier that if we were married. But I can tell you this, if we ever did get married when we’re thirty, because I’m going to hold you to that. If I was in the same position as your dad, I would still love you no matter what, because-”</p><p>“You don’t love me,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Yes I do, I do Matteo, and you know it I think. You’re my very best friend. Nothing will ever change that, no matter how sad you got. And I know we’re joking around, but if we were together, and you got sad or depressed, I would <em>never</em> yell at you. I would be gentle and kind until you got happy again, that’s all you would need. You’re so strong, you can get better. I would just be there for you, it wouldn’t even be difficult. And also Matteo, if you do marry someone else, which I won’t allow, they would feel the same because you’re so damn wonderful. I wish you could see it, you’re so amazing and once someone falls in love with you, they’ll never fall out of it.”</p><p>David knew that was the truth, it was one thing he was certain of. He was talking about himself, and he figured Matteo probably knew that too.</p><p>Matteo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t deal with that yet. It was too close to feelings and David got it; he felt hot all over. If Matteo asked him right now he would tell him everything, confess things he wasn’t ready for.</p><p>Instead, Matteo opened his eyes and smiled cheekily.</p><p>“Fine, when we’re thirty and we’re married I’ll hold you to that,” he joked, his voice choked up betraying how he really felt. David could see his own feelings mirrored on Matteo’s face. But it wasn’t scary, it was nice, knowing one day it was all just going to work out. That whatever happened, they would be fine.</p><p>“Who’s getting married?” Carlos asked, marching into the clearing.</p><p>“No one,” Matteo said immediately, pulling back slightly from David, putting a little distance between them.</p><p>David wasn’t upset, he knew exactly why, exactly what he was thinking. If Matteo hadn’t moved, he would have. Even though the boys were all used to them being draped over each other by this point. It was the vulnerability of the situation that made them separate. </p><p>Jonas and Abdi followed Carlos, and all three boys collapsed beside them. </p><p>“Why do you two always wander off? We not good enough company for you?” Abdi asked.</p><p>“You are kind of boring,” David teased.</p><p>“What do you talk about then? That we’re too boring to understand?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“Nothing, Matteo’s usually sleeping,” David told them.</p><p>“Ha! So true, you’re such a good friend to keep him company,” Abdi said.</p><p>“Yeah, I would just dump him in the water,” Carlos said. </p><p>“Oh, I’ll do that next time,” David said. </p><p>“You will not,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“You’re always so tired though, Matteo,” Abdi said.</p><p>Matteo just shrugged.</p><p>“Everything ok?” Jonas asked quietly.</p><p>“Parent stuff,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us on holiday? Mum says it’s fine,” Jonas said.</p><p>Jonas wasn’t going to his grandparents this year, but toward the end of the holidays he was going to Portugal with his parents. He’d been offering for Matteo to come with for months now.</p><p>Matteo glanced at David, who smiled at him. Matteo wasn’t going anywhere.</p><p>“No thank you, I have to stay and take care of my mama,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But it’s the holidays,” Carlos said.</p><p>He was going to Spain with his family in a month, Abdi was joining him. David and Matteo were staying put. That was how they liked it, anyway. They didn’t need to go anywhere exciting as long as they had each other.</p><p>“But she’s my mama,” Matteo reminded them.</p><p>“Seems unfair though,” Abdi said, but he didn’t push. They all got it.</p><p>Matteo just sighed and lay back against the tree, shifting back to lean against David slightly. No one commented on how close they were, and Matteo no longer seemed to care. Or maybe his need for comfort just won out.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“Yeah, Abdi?”</p><p>“Have you ever had a girlfriend?”</p><p>David laughed in surprise, he wasn’t expecting that question. He knew there were a few girls at school who probably liked him, looked at him in a certain way, but he could never be sure they were seeing him correctly. He’d never dared ask. Not that he was interested, but the attention was nice. “No,” he said.</p><p>“Hm.”</p><p>“I want a girlfriend,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Me too,” Abdi said.</p><p>“Why?” Matteo asked, not opening his eyes. The idea seemed to genuinely baffle him.</p><p>“Because we’re fourteen now,” Abdi reminded him.</p><p>“Yeah Matteo, if you don’t want a girlfriend that’s pretty gay,” Carlos said. </p><p>“Hey hey don’t do that, don’t talk shit Carlos,” Jonas warned, trying to keep the peace.</p><p>David wanted to glance at Matteo but was too scared to give him away, so he kept staring straight ahead.</p><p>Matteo didn’t seem too worried. He was probably used to this by now. David knew Carlos meant nothing by it, but still it set him on edge.</p><p>“I could get a girlfriend easier than any of you, I just don’t want to,” Matteo said calmly.</p><p>He probably could. Out of all of them he could at least talk to girls and David knew just how charming he could be. He’d seen the choir girls following him around the community centre, hanging off his every word, making eyes at him. </p><p>Laura had accused him of doing the same once and he’d almost pushed her down the stairs.</p><p>“Yeah right,” Abdi said, although he knew it was true too.</p><p>“Why on earth wouldn’t you want to if you could?” Carlos demanded.</p><p>“My entire life is falling apart, I don’t have time for a relationship right now, I wouldn’t want to drag some poor person into the mess that is my life,” Matteo said.</p><p>David squeezed him tight.</p><p>“Sorry, man,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Ok, so you don’t have time for a girlfriend, can you help me?” Abdi asked.</p><p>“No,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No? Why not?”</p><p>“You’re too ugly,” Matteo teased.</p><p>“Don’t be mean,” David warned, knowing there was about to be a fight, he pulled away from Matteo slightly, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire.</p><p>“Come on, look at him,” Matteo reasoned.</p><p>Abdi launched himself at Matteo then and they went sprawling to the floor, wrestling until somehow Matteo got the upper hand and pinned him down, grinning triumphantly. Clearly all the wrestling with David had taught him something.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“Yes, Carlos?”</p><p>“Are the girls at your school hot?”</p><p>“Yeah? I guess, don’t know why you’re asking though, you have no chance with them,” David said.</p><p>Then it was Carlos’ turn to attack him, which was a big mistake. He threw himself at David, who easily deflected him and had him sprawled out on the floor in seconds, screaming for mercy. David reached over and high-fived Matteo.</p><p>“Ok boys, girls are wonderful and all that, but I think Matteo’s right. There is other important stuff too,” Jonas said, mock sagely.</p><p>“Like what?” Carlos asked, completely bewildered.</p><p>“Family,” he said, nodding to Matteo, who smiled.</p><p>“Friends,” David said.</p><p>“Exactly,” Jonas agreed.</p><p>“And summer,” Abdi said.</p><p>“And…” </p><p>They all looked at Matteo, who climbed off Abdi and started to pace the clearing to help him think. </p><p>“We’re just fourteen, can’t we just be kids a little longer? This year has been so hard and feels like I’m having to grow up every second. Can’t we just fuck around together for one more summer?” he said, impassioned now.</p><p>David got it, they all did. Why did they have to grow up, chase girls? Matteo was right, looking after his mum was hard. For David school was so exhausting, hiding and just trying to get through it until summer had taken its toll just like it did every year. They had so much to deal with, he would love to just blow it off for the summer. Just fuck around and have fun with his friends.</p><p>Jonas nodded and gestured for them all to get up.</p><p>They all gathered round, Abdi slinging an arm around Matteo’s shoulder, David an arm around Carlos’. They all placed a hand in the centre of the circle they’d made, hands covering each other's hands.</p><p>“Here’s to a boys only summer,” Jonas said seriously.</p><p>“Now that’s pretty gay,” Matteo said.</p><p>Jonas flung himself onto Matteo, tackling him to the floor and tickling him until he squealed.</p><p>David stayed there, watching them with Carlos and Abdi. He loved them all; he realised. They were the best friends he could ask for. This was exactly as it was supposed to be. Their silly little gang just mucking around, having fun, being dumb boys. It was all he’d ever wanted, and it was perfect. Every summer, since meeting Matteo, he always thought it was the best summer ever. It was the case again this year and he couldn’t wait.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next:</p><p>not every day can be easy or happy, but laura is the best sister and always knows how to make it better, and matteo is a darling as always</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Not every day was good, David knew that. But when every day of the summer so far had been perfect, this hit particularly hard. It felt like all the progress he'd made had been wiped away in one fell swoop. One day he was hanging out with his friends, the next he was stuck hiding in his room. But it would pass he knew it would, he had Laura, he had Matteo, he would be fine. He would be back mucking about with the boys in no time.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I'm back with a bit of a rough one, but throughout it David knows he's ok. Because he's not alone and he knows not to push everyone away this time. But yeah he's going through it today, so extra warnings for dysphoria and a brief discussion of periods and the after effects. But it's mostly positive I promise.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sadly, summer wasn’t all fun and games and mucking around with the boys. David wished it was that simple, that it could always be easy and fun, that he could spend his days with them comfortably, forgetting all his worries. But the world wasn’t that easy, wasn’t that kind to him. He still had bad his days, and then there were the very bad days. That was what he was dealing with right now. Just a week after they’d decided on their boys only summer, David was stuck in his room again, avoiding everyone, demanding to be left alone. He couldn’t be part of the fun anymore, not when he felt like this. Anyone seeing him was unbearable to him at the moment. He wanted to hide; he wanted to be invisible. He just wanted to be by himself so he could wallow in his own misery. </p>
<p>Except it wasn’t that easy. He missed them all terribly. The thought of them all having fun without him, while he moped in his room was painful. All he wanted was to drag himself out of bed and go hang out with them. And he knew he could; he knew they still wanted him around. He knew in his mind this was an overreaction, but it was hard to shut that shit down. He couldn’t swim or muck around when he felt like this.</p>
<p>So instead he hadn’t left his room for a few days, he’d just hid away from everyone. He’d told his parents flat out to leave him the hell alone. They’d obeyed him thankfully.</p>
<p>He’d skipped boxing, skipped out on the trips to the lake, had ignored all the frustrated texts from the boys. </p>
<p>He had barely even responded to Matteo’s texts, had only forced himself to because he didn’t want him to think he was avoiding him. And because he’d promised to always at least check in, no matter what he was going through, even if all he could manage was a sad face emoji.</p>
<p>It wasn’t <em>that</em> bad this time around; he wasn’t that dramatic. He’d just fired off a quick text saying he needed to be alone for a few days. Matteo understood he needed space, so had given it. All he asked for in return was David to message when he was doing better. </p>
<p>Matteo also knew David too well, knew that deep down David didn’t want to be alone at all. So he sent him little texts, memes, selfies of him as he went about his day, a little video from him and his mum saying hi. All of it helped a little, eased his misery. And he was right. As much as David hated dealing with his dysphoria, being alone was almost as bad. Knowing he wasn’t alone eased his suffering a little. Plus, he knew if he really wanted to be alone and he asked, Matteo would oblige. But they both knew that wasn’t what he wanted at all. So Matteo put up with it, and David made do with this mock solitude.</p>
<p>The boys on the other hand, were not so patient. They were stressing over his silence because they’d finally gotten agreement from all the parents that they could go camping without any adults. But it was under the strict condition that they went to David’s godmother’s house, so that she could keep an eye on all of them. Emily lived on the edge of town and there was a small wooded area behind her house they could use for camping. Plus, there were plenty of lakes and sprawling countryside for them to swim and run around in, to burn off all their energy. Everyone was suitably excited in the group chat, but David couldn’t enjoy it right now. </p>
<p>David wasn’t excited, he was too miserable. He was sad. And he was lonely, he so rarely spent time alone these days he’d almost forgotten how.</p>
<p>But he couldn’t leave the room, couldn’t see any of them, couldn’t let any of them see him, not when he felt like this.</p>
<p>So instead he lay there waiting for the feeling to pass. He knew it would, it would just take time. He would be ok. It wasn’t the end of the world, just a blip.</p>
<p>There was a gentle knock at the door, and then Laura stepped into the room. Laura he could face, Laura always knew what to do, how to help, how to make it better. She always looked after him, took care of him whenever he was sad or feeling like this.</p>
<p>“Feeling any better?” she said, laying down beside him.</p>
<p>“Not sick,” David muttered.</p>
<p>“Periods are kind of like being sick,” she said, stroking his hair from his face. </p>
<p>He was all sweaty from hiding under the blankets for so long. He probably smelled pretty bad too, but for once she didn’t comment, just him cuddled close. It felt good. He just closed his eyes and smiled, he felt like a little kid again. He remembered how whenever he got ill, which was rare, Laura would insist on staying off school with him. They would huddle together in her room, hiding under all her blankets, their mum taking care of them and in the end getting in bed with them and cuddling them close. It had always made him feel better. He was already starting to feel a bit better with her here.</p>
<p>“It makes anyone feel like shit. More so for you, but even without the dysphoria, it’s still a nightmare. So talk to me, how are you feeling right now?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Crappy Laura, so crappy. I’ve got a headache, cramps, I feel really sick and I want to cry because I’m a mess but also I hate this. And I’m lonely,” he said, burying himself against Laura when she tightened her hold on him. </p>
<p>He was being a little dramatic, but he felt he deserved to be. Everything had been going so well for him, so this hit him hard. He got to react this way because he felt terrible and he couldn’t always be strong, sometimes laying about and complaining was the only thing that worked. Right now he should’ve been swimming, hanging out with his friends, just having fun. He couldn’t do that, so he figured moping was allowed on this occasion.</p>
<p>“What can I do?” she said.</p>
<p>There was little she could do, but being cuddled helped. He already felt better with her there. He smiled when he felt her press a kiss to his forehead and continue to stroke his hair.</p>
<p>“Just stay here with me,” he said. “Distract me?”</p>
<p>“I’m sad too,” Laura said quietly.</p>
<p>“Are you ok?” David asked, scanning her face. </p>
<p>Laura was always so strong; he forgot sometimes that she could be vulnerable too. He gave her a squeeze back.</p>
<p>“I broke up with Nina,” she admitted.</p>
<p>“Sorry Laura.”</p>
<p>He’d figured this was coming, had heard them fighting a couple of times. He hated to admit it, but he’d even gossiped with his mum about it a few times. In fairness, none of it was a secret and his mum was talking about it with Laura, anyway. She was advising her the best way she could. All he talked about with her was what they agreed upon, that Laura was so independent, a free spirit, and she couldn’t wait to be away and living alone. They both knew that the relationship was coming to an end and they’d just talked about how they were going to take care of Laura once it was over.</p>
<p>She smiled at him. “It’s ok, I didn’t want to break up, but I didn’t want to live with her so it’s not fair to her,” she said sadly.</p>
<p>“But you’re sad,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I don’t know, maybe I’ve made a mistake,” Laura said, sniffling a little.</p>
<p>David wasn’t sure, he had no advice for this, no experience but he thought she’d made the right choice. He got why she was sad. She did love Nina, but perhaps not in the right way. Nina wanted to move in, settle down and be a family. Which was fine. He got that. It just didn’t suit Laura, not yet. And it wasn’t the kind of difference they could just move past.</p>
<p>It was all very confusing this relationship stuff. </p>
<p>“I… honestly I don’t think so, but I guess it’s hard. I think you did the right thing for both of you, but I think maybe it’ll hurt for a while,” he said. </p>
<p>It wasn’t much as advice went, but he hoped it was comforting.</p>
<p>“Yeah? And when did you become so wise on relationships?” she asked, laughing quietly.</p>
<p>She was teasing, but in a nice way. </p>
<p>He knew where she was coming from too. How many times had he told her he was always going to go it alone? Said he was never going to date anyone? Countless times he’d told her relationships weren’t for him. That his future was destined to be lonely. That that was all he got, that he couldn’t risk letting someone in like that.</p>
<p>He was starting to rethink that. Slowly. If he was truly honest with himself, he hadn’t thought like that in a long while. Probably about two years.</p>
<p>“I mean... I’m not. At all. But I watch a lot of movies though. Don’t tell anyone, but I do like a good romance. Oh, and Matteo kissed me a couple of weeks ago, so that’s the extent of my experience I guess,” he said, grinning at the shock on her face.</p>
<p>That was certainly a good distraction from her woes.</p>
<p>She sat up at that and dragged him up with her, shaking him in her surprise. He just laughed at her shock.</p>
<p>“What? Why did I not know this? David what?” she demanded.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell mum,” David warned.</p>
<p>“Why the hell would I tell mum? Are you dating now? Oh my god that’s the cutest thing, you two are so adorable,” she said.</p>
<p>David was glad he could provide a distraction for her with his own nonexistent love life.</p>
<p>“God no, we’re not... we’re best friends. We just want to have fun and be happy. So much is going on. Matteo has so much to deal with at home, and I have my own shit. I’m not ready, I know it’s Matteo and I trust him more than anyone, but I’m not in a place where dating is an option yet, and right now I need a best friend, and so does he. God does Matteo need a friend more than anything right now,” he explained.</p>
<p>“But?”</p>
<p>“But one day,” David admitted.</p>
<p>He’d never admit that to anyone but her. David hardly dared to even think about it properly, but if he did, when he let himself dream, he could imagine it. The two of them, happy together. That would be wonderful, they would be so happy. Whenever he thought of the future Matteo was there, it was the two of them, finally happy. Not that he wasn’t happy, but he knew that that would be a different kind of happy. The kind of happiness that came from being together like that. That contentedness that would come from belonging to another person. That was what he wanted.</p>
<p>He hadn’t been joking when he teased Matteo about their future, and he was pretty sure Matteo felt the same. Not much would change between them really, they would always be best friends, no matter how their relationship was defined. If anything, it would just be another step. To David it felt almost inevitable. He would wait, Matteo would wait, and one day they’d be ready.</p>
<p>“Nice, good kiss?”</p>
<p>“Not really, barely anything, and then I yelled at him,” David said, sighing at how stupid he’d been. Thank god it was Matteo, and he got him.</p>
<p>“Of course you did,” Laura teased.</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” David demanded.</p>
<p>“The first time you met him you threw him to the ground, of course you yell at him when he kisses you,” Laura mused.</p>
<p>“He took me by surprise,” David said.</p>
<p>Except, in a way it hadn’t been a surprise. In the moment before, he knew what was about to happen, and he’d been excited. He hadn’t been expecting it until it happened, but when it had it had made perfect sense. Laura just nodded.</p>
<p>“Relationships are hard, I think you have the right approach,” she said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. The one thing you can take from this mess with Nina and I? Fucking talk to each other dudes, this whole time we wanted such different things from each other and that’s what made it messy,” she said.</p>
<p>He got what she was saying, but he didn’t think he needed to worry about that. Ok they weren’t talking about their feelings yet, but they’d talked about why they couldn’t handle it yet. They talked, they always talked, and David knew they wanted the same thing, they just had to work towards it. They had to work on themselves and grow up a little. They both knew what they wanted, they just needed to wait until the weather.</p>
<p>“Noted,” he said.</p>
<p>“Still going camping next week?” she asked him.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I should be ok. I want to. I just can’t face it right now… did er…” </p>
<p>“He came round the other day, yes, but he understood you couldn’t face him. He just asked me to look after you. But he stayed away until this morning, so I assume you actually texted him this time?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I won’t do that again,” he promised. “This morning?”</p>
<p>“He dropped off a cake for you,” Laura told him.</p>
<p>“What where?” </p>
<p>“Chocolate too, looks good, it’s in the kitchen,” she said.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you bring it up?” David asked.</p>
<p>“You want cake? Stop moping and come get some,” she said.</p>
<p>David grumbled, but he got out of bed. He couldn’t resist cake. Any food Matteo made was always delicious, and he really wanted chocolate right now.</p>
<p>“You better not have eaten any,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t dare, couldn’t bear to see that pout,” Laura said, leading him downstairs.</p>
<p>He sat down at the counter and grinned at the big chocolate cake sitting there. God, he loved Matteo and how kind he was. Before he reached for it, he turned to Laura.</p>
<p>“It’s really hard, Laura. I think it hit harder this time because I finally have the binders. The clothes look right, it was good. I was swimming, I was fitting in with the boys. And then this, and I feel all… I feel like everything is obvious again,” he admitted quietly.</p>
<p>“I promise it isn’t. I know it is to you, but I promise to me, you’re still just my gross brother,” she said, pressing a kiss to his temple and squeezing him tight.</p>
<p>“I’m not gross and I don’t smell,” David said, shoving her away.</p>
<p>“So cake?”</p>
<p>David nodded and pulled the cake towards him. It was a little lopsided, but he just smiled. It was sweet of Matteo to bake it, and he knew it would taste good.</p>
<p>He picked up the note first.</p>
<p>
  <em>David, I miss you so much but I’m not upset with you I promise. And I’m ok, don’t worry about me. You just eat cake and feel better soon. I know you’re not ill, but it’s a kind of ill, if it makes you feel ill. I know it makes you feel tired and sick, and it’s painful too. So that’s like being ill, really. And I know you don’t want to see me right now and even though that hurts I get it, I will give you the space you need. But David, I promise you this doesn’t make me see you any differently. I know you worry about; I hope you’re not spiralling in those kinds of thoughts. But if you are, I promise it’s not the case. You’re a boy, periods don’t change that.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Love Matteo</em>
</p>
<p>He’d even drawn a little heart next to his name. That boy really was the sweetest. David would text him later, thank him for just being him, for not letting him shut him out. Matteo got it. He had given him the space he needed, but he missed him too much now, wanted him back over. Thank god he was such a patient friend. David knew he’d be here the second he asked.</p>
<p>The first time he’d gotten his period it was during the school year. He’d skipped class and gone straight home because it was too much to handle. Matteo had come over after waiting for him outside his own school for over an hour. They’d fought because David had ignored him all day and David had screamed at him to leave because he was in pain. It had been awful for both of them. </p>
<p>After it was over, and he could face Matteo again, they sat down together. They talked, and he made Matteo understand that sometimes he wouldn’t be able to hang out. He explained that he had to accept that and give him space when he asked. But he did apologise for ignoring him, for scaring him. And he promised that if it got that bad again he would need space, but he’d let Matteo what was going on with him, rather than just giving him radio silence. He knew that was shitty of him.</p>
<p>It didn’t always happen like this either; it wasn’t like every time it happened he just stopped functioning. Most times he gritted his teeth and got on with it. He was strong, he could deal with it. But it was summer now, he’d been doing so well and this had hit him hard. Especially now that he was swimming again. It would pass though, and he was allowed to mope about until it did.</p>
<p>“Did you read the note?” he asked Laura, cutting them both a slice.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she admitted, grinning fondly at him.</p>
<p>“For fuck sakes its private,” David muttered, flushing red and pocketing it.</p>
<p>“It was cute though,” she teased, ruffling his hair.</p>
<p>“Hate you,” David lied.</p>
<p>“You love me,” Laura said, getting up to grab them something to drink. He watched her flit around the kitchen and was hit with an overwhelming sadness.</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to go,” he whispered.</p>
<p>He knew he would be ok, his parents mostly listened to him now, it wasn’t nearly as bad as it used to be when it was him and Laura against them. But he would miss her so much, he didn’t want to be here without her, even when she was grumpy or rude about him.</p>
<p>“David, seriously you can come over all the time,” she promised.</p>
<p>“You won’t forget about me?”</p>
<p>“I’m moving to the city centre not Australia,” Laura said, coming back over to the counter with two cups of tea.</p>
<p>“Would you forget about me if you moved to Australia?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Absolutely,” she joked.</p>
<p>“Mean,” he said.</p>
<p>“This is pretty good cake,” she said.</p>
<p>“Yeah it is,” David said smiling.</p>
<p>Matteo always did know how to make him smile.</p>
<p>“Doing the trick?”</p>
<p>“I do feel a bit better,” he said.</p>
<p>“I’m telling you indulgent food is the key,” Laura said.</p>
<p>“Thanks for getting it, you know not making a big deal,” David said.</p>
<p>He appreciated that she didn’t make a fuss; she was a little gentle with him sure, but mostly she treated him like she normally did. And she was right, it was a kind of ill, he certainly felt rough right now. And so damn tired.</p>
<p>Maybe he was anaemic. He should probably eat something more substantial than cake. His mum had tried to feed him spinach last night when she’d found out what was wrong with him. He’d eaten it too because she’d been so gentle with him. She hadn’t mentioned anything, just said he was looking peaky and could he please eat it? That it would help. His mum was allowed to be gentle with him, he appreciated it from her. She was his mum; it was her job to fuss over him.</p>
<p>“Indulging your whining you mean?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” David said.</p>
<p>“No problem kiddo, it’s nice,” Laura said.</p>
<p>“It’s nice?”</p>
<p>“Having you here even if you are moping. I never see you, too busy sucking face with Matteo I guess,” she said.</p>
<p>“Ok fuck off!”</p>
<p>“No, but that’s nice, it’s wonderful you have friends and that you’re ok. I was worried, I know you’re so independent but you deserve a normal childhood, mucking around with other boys and being silly. I think it’s so lovely you’re all still just kids. You go to play parks, swimming, camping, none of you can talk to girls it’s cute. You’re all gross, but so cute too,” she said, wrapping her arms around him.</p>
<p>David let her hug him tight. He pressed against her. She got it, always did. Yeah it wasn’t perfect, like today. Sometimes it was a struggle. He didn’t feel much like a normal boy right now. But the reason this had hit so hard was because usually he did. He never felt any different from Matteo or Jonas. They treated him right. He just fit in with them, all of them. Even last week when he’d had to skip out on swimming, he hadn’t felt like an outsider, had felt like part of them, part of something.</p>
<p>He belonged somewhere, and it was wonderful.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next:</p>
<p>a camping trip with campfire chat and teasing, jonas has a crush and the boys are not helpful at all, and matteo learns a thing or two about romance</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This was just what David had wanted, for a long time. Long before he'd even met Matteo. He'd wanted friends, to go on adventures like this, to have fun and be silly and now he had it. A whole week, just him and his friends out by themsleves enjoying the summer, no grown ups, no one bothering them. He couldn't quite believe he had this now. But he did, it was his.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David recovered well enough, just like he’d expected, and the next week all of them were able to head out to Furstenburg, to his godmother’s house. She lived on the very edge of the village and behind her garden was a smallish wooded space, where they were currently trying and failing to pitch their tents. </p><p>Matteo was nowhere to be seen, still in the house with Emily, probably eating all of their food. Carlos was somehow, inexplicably, tangled up in the ropes, hopping around trying to get free. Abdi looked about two minutes away from being impaled on the tent poles. Jonas was sitting amongst the tent material looking hopeless. David didn’t understand it, he thought they went camping all the time.</p><p>He finished his and Matteo’s tent, then rolled up his sleeves to help them.</p><p>“How do you mess it up this bad?” he asked Jonas.</p><p>“It’s bigger than normal,” Jonas reasoned.</p><p>David wasn’t having it, the principle was the same; they were just incompetent. He told Jonas as much and got a kick for his trouble. But he helped him and slowly between the two of them, they got the tent up and ready. Abdi and Carlos were mostly useless, but they did hold things when asked.</p><p>Eventually, they had the clearing set up with two tents. That was when Matteo decided to show his face, of course. He had at least brought food with him, which David immediately wrestled off him.</p><p>“You are so rude,” Matteo said, smirking.</p><p>“You didn’t help at all Matteo,” David argued.</p><p>“Well, I made the food,” he said, shrugging and peeping into their tent.</p><p>“Emily made the food,” David said.</p><p>“I helped,” Matteo said.</p><p>“He did help David be nice,” Emily said, coming to stand beside him.</p><p>“Yeah David be nice,” Matteo teased, while Emily ruffled his hair. </p><p>What an asshole. Of course she loved him immediately. Matteo was too charming for his own good. </p><p>“You boys have got a good setup here,” Emily said.</p><p>“I did all the work,” David said quickly, wanting to make it clear that the others had barely helped.</p><p>“Yes, dear,” she said.</p><p>“I did,” David insisted.</p><p>“He’s so modest,” Jonas said, grinning at him.</p><p>“So what are you actually going to do out here?” Emily asked, easily diffusing the bickering.</p><p>They all looked at each other and shrugged, camping had been as much as they’d planned. All they wanted was to get away, just hang out together, without their parents. What more did they need?</p><p>“Well, there’s plenty of food in the house so you can stay as long as you like, you could go hiking? Or there’s so many lakes, there’s a really good one about five miles away, you could swim, and there’s plenty to explore, I’m sure you’ll have fun,” she said, smiling at them.</p><p>Emily was cool. All the parents wanted them here so she could keep an eye on them, but she would leave them to it. She would be there if they needed her, but she’d let them have the independence they desired.</p><p> </p><p>Later, after the sun had set, they were all sitting around the campfire that Matteo had set up. </p><p>Somehow none of them could manage to get it going. Even David couldn’t figure it out, no matter how frustrated he got. Then, just as he’d been about to kick away all the wood they’d piled up, Matteo had plucked the lighter from his hands and had it burning in a few minutes. But it didn’t matter that Matteo could light the fire when David couldn’t. What mattered was the cheeky smirk on his face when he did it. It made David smile to himself, because he knew it was probably his dad that had taught him. He was just glad Matteo was clearly able to not let that upset him.</p><p>Still, daylight was fading fast, and the heat of the day was dissipating. All five boys sat in a circle around the small fire chatting and eating junk food.</p><p>“Ok boys, look, I need to talk to you about something,” Jonas said warily.</p><p>“Ok?” Carlos asked.</p><p>“Sounds serious,” David said, shuffling closer to Matteo to steal his cookies.</p><p>“Look I know we swore off girls for the summer-”</p><p>“Are you backtracking already?” Abdi demanded.</p><p>“No, but…”</p><p>“Then I’d advise dropping this conversation,” Matteo said. He sounded serious, but David knew he was joking.</p><p>“No, come on guys I need advice,” Jonas said.</p><p>“For what?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Yeah man you have no chance with any girl,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Be nice,” David warned.</p><p>Jonas smiled appreciatively at that. It was always the two of them trying to keep the peace while the other three argued and bickered and teased them.</p><p>“Just saying out of all of us it’s probably you and me David as the hottest, then Matteo because he’s got the cute thing down, then there’s a toss up between Jonas and Abdi for the ugly ones,” Carlos said.</p><p>Matteo sniggered beside him.</p><p>“Fuck you, Carlos,” Abdi said.</p><p>“Yeah that’s bullshit Carlos and out of all of us I’m the one who actually has a chance with a girl,” Jonas said.</p><p>He looked almost smug about it too.</p><p>“No, you don’t,” Abdi said.</p><p>“I might do,” Jonas said.</p><p>“Who?” David asked.</p><p>“Leonie, she’s a girl at our school,” Jonas told him, happy that at least someone wasn’t teasing him.</p><p>“Bullshit Jonas,” Matteo said, attention captured now.</p><p>“No, it’s true,” Jonas insisted.</p><p>“You’re going out with<em> Leonie</em>? Our Leonie? Leonie Richter? From school? You can’t date her! She’s my friend,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok no, we’re not going out. But we had a history project together and since then we’ve been texting, I dunno,” Jonas mumbled, blushing now.</p><p>“Have you fuck? <em>I’m</em> gonna text her right now,” Matteo said, pulling out his phone and tapping away at the screen.</p><p>“Don’t you fucking dare! David don’t let him!”</p><p>David just giggled and watched Matteo, he couldn’t stop him, enjoyed it too much when he got like this.</p><p>“Hey Leonie, just wondering if I can recommend a good optician because eye health is important,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Don’t you dare send that,” Jonas warned, trying to get up, but Carlos and Abdi held him in place.</p><p>“Sent,” Matteo said grinning.</p><p>“You’re such a little shit,” David said.</p><p>“That’s me,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“Seriously, though what if she actually likes me?” Jonas said.</p><p>“Do you <em>like </em>her? Like like?” Matteo asked more gently, not teasing now.</p><p>“I dunno, how do you know? We just get on, she is really cool,” Jonas said.</p><p>David wasn’t sure if that was the right reason to go out with someone, but then what did he know. Maybe Jonas would only find out by giving it a try.</p><p>“Go for it then,” David said.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“After the summer,” Carlos said, looking very serious.</p><p>“What? Come on,” Jonas groaned.</p><p>“Uh uh, we have a pact,” Abdi reminded him.</p><p>“Fuck sakes,” Jonas muttered.</p><p>David sympathised with him a little, but Abdi was right, they had made an agreement and it had been Jonas’ idea in the first place. Yes, he’d been appeasing Matteo, but still he couldn’t back down now. He could go another few weeks without a girlfriend.</p><p>“If she likes you she’ll wait,” David said. </p><p>“This is so not fair,” Jonas said. “What if she finds someone else?”</p><p>David was sure he didn’t actually want to rush into anything, what he wanted from them was support and advice, he supposed that didn’t go against the pact.</p><p>“You’re going on holiday yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jonas said.</p><p>“Well then, you’re not going to be around, anyway. So I don’t know, bring her something back, something from a beach or something,” David said, he had no idea what he should do really, but gifts were nice, everyone loved getting gifts didn’t they?</p><p>“No, bring her flowers,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Make her a playlist,” Abdi suggested.</p><p>“Oh my god why is this so hard?” Jonas groaned, burying his face in his hands. </p><p>It was pretty stressful, David thought Jonas was pretty brave to even try, he wouldn’t dare.</p><p>“What are you all on about? Just be yourself Jonas, just talk to her and listen to her, she’ll like that, you’re really nice, she’ll like that,” Matteo said, like it was obvious.</p><p>They all turned to him, bewildered. What the hell was he talking about? Although really, that did sound like the right approach. Terrifying, but right. How the hell was he so good at this? Well, David thought he might know, although he thought there might be more to it than having no interest in girls. He thought maybe Matteo just thought that way. That it was just that simple to him. Perhaps it would be different when he had to apply it to himself, David wasn’t sure.</p><p>“Oh,” Jonas said quietly, blushing a little at the way Matteo described him. “Thank you Matteo, did she reply?”</p><p>Matteo looked down at his phone. “Yeah, she asked if I was high,” he told them.</p><p>David laughed and peered over his shoulder as Matteo tapped away at his phone. He grinned at what Matteo typed, he was so direct sometimes. David probably ought to stop him. Especially as Jonas looked so alarmed.</p><p>“Wait, what are you saying now?” he demanded.</p><p>“Asking if she likes you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Matteo no!”</p><p>“What?” Matteo demanded. “Isn’t it easier to just know?”</p><p>He looked to David, completely confused.</p><p>“Takes the mystery out of it a bit,” David explained.</p><p>“I don’t understand, wouldn’t you rather know if she likes you or not? Rather than try all these dumb ideas?”</p><p>“Yeah, but that’s part of the fun of it, the suspense,” Jonas said, he wasn’t mad at Matteo though. He got him.</p><p>“Oh ok,” Matteo said. He looked at David for a minute, then nodded as if deciding something. “Suspense,” he repeated quietly, probably only loud enough for David to hear. David just bumped his head against Matteo’s shoulder. Matteo’s phone buzzed, but he didn’t look at it.</p><p>“Well? What did she say?” Jonas demanded.</p><p>Matteo just grinned. “Suspense,” he said again, louder this time.</p><p>“You are the fucking worst!” Jonas said, huffing and laying down on the ground dramatically. </p><p>Abdi crawled over to them.</p><p>“Matteo, I don’t want suspense, can you text Marta and ask her if she likes me?” he asked them.</p><p>“Marta doesn’t like you, I don’t need to text her to figure that out,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No, but how do you know? Did she tell you?”</p><p>“You dumped a whole tub of yoghurt down her front dude,” Carlos reminded him. </p><p>Abdi groaned and went back over to sit beside him.</p><p>“It was an accident, but it was like a meet cute,” Abdi explained.</p><p>“What the fuck is a meet cute?” Carlos asked him.</p><p>“They have them in my mum’s magazines, it’s where you have a funny first meeting with your future partner,” Abdi said.</p><p>“Oh yeah, well yours was definitely a meet ugly then,” Carlos said.</p><p>“You’re all so mean to me, it was at least memorable,” Abdi said.</p><p>“Oh, I’m sure it was. She probably can’t go near the dairy aisle without having flashbacks,” Matteo said.</p><p>David almost fell over laughing at that. There was no way that poor Marta walked away from the experience with good memories.</p><p>“Fuck off asshole,” Abdi said.</p><p>“I don’t understand why you had so much yoghurt,” David said. Out of the whole thing, that was what didn’t make sense to him. Why he had the yoghurt with him in the first place.</p><p>“For lunch, I love yoghurt,” Abdi said, but he sounded evasive. There was definitely more to it.</p><p>“You’re strange.”</p><p>“Memorable, David, memorable. That’s the whole point,” Abdi said.</p><p>“Ok, sorry can I clarify you’ve started carrying tubs of yoghurt around so that girls notice you?” David asked. That made more sense. It was still stupid though.</p><p>“Yeah, I read it online, do slightly odd things and girls will notice you,” Abdi said.</p><p>“Ok Abdi, want advice?” David offered.</p><p>Abdi nodded eagerly. “Yes, please,” he said.</p><p>“Maybe you’re not ready for a girlfriend if you need to look for all these tips online. If you think you want a girlfriend, just because everyone’s getting one, you’re absolutely not ready, you either Carlos. Maybe Jonas is, but he likes Leonie yeah? He likes a specific girl, not some random girl,” David said.</p><p>“Right, I do think I like her,” Jonas agreed.</p><p>That was the difference, Jonas didn’t want a girlfriend, any random girl like the other two. He liked Leonie, maybe they would date, maybe they’d become friends. They’d just have to wait and see, but David thought he had the right approach. </p><p>“And he’s been talking to her, building something proper, not being weird,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah exactly,” Jonas said. </p><p>“Fine, when will I be ready then?” Abdi demanded.</p><p>“How the hell would I know? Just take a step back, go with the flow,” David said.</p><p>“Bullshit,” Abdi said.</p><p>“We’ll just have fun and you have us,” David reminded him.</p><p>“You guys are great though,” Abdi said, smiling at him.</p><p>“We’re about to lose Jonas,” Matteo said quietly. David glanced at him, he’d been quiet for a while now. David nudged him.</p><p>“No you’re not. What the fuck? I’m still you guys’ best friend and always will be,” Jonas insisted. “Hey Matteo, Matteo seriously, you come first, always ok?”</p><p>“Ok,” he mumbled.</p><p>“I promise we’ll be best friends even if I do start dating Leonie. Let’s face it, I doubt you’re going to give me the same courtesy when you start dating,” he said. </p><p>He glanced at David, just briefly, barely anything, but David knew he knew something. He didn’t know if Matteo had told him anything or if he’d just guessed, but he blushed a little anyway. Not that anything was even going on.</p><p>He was right though, when they were together they tended to forget about everyone else.</p><p>“Shut up Jonas,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“Yeah, Abdi?”</p><p>“Do you like Matteo more than us?”</p><p>“What? Why?”</p><p>“Why can’t we all share one tent? There’s room in ours. Why do you and Matteo have to always go off and do your own thing?” Abdi asked.</p><p>David didn’t know what to say, he froze, a heavy weight settling in his stomach. He hated this, it was an obvious question, why had they needed two tents when it was heavier and more work to set up. They had Matteo’s little tent and Jonas’ dad’s family tent that could hold six adults, so five boys would fit easily.</p><p>“I have nightmares,” Matteo said, before David even had to make up a lie. That was true, too. Lately he’d often been woken by Matteo thrashing and yelling. Separate tents wouldn’t stop that, but at least it would give them both some privacy.</p><p>“Oh,” Abdi said, a little sheepishly.</p><p>“So like if you hear me yelling don’t worry, David can calm me down, but I just… I don’t want you guys seeing me like that, David stays over a lot so he’s used to it,” Matteo said.</p><p>None of it was a lie, that wasn’t why they had a separate tent, but it was all true.</p><p>“How long have you been having nightmares, Matteo?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“Few months,” he admitted.</p><p>“Ok thank you for telling me,” Jonas said.</p><p>“I er… things are pretty bad at home right now. To be honest, I wouldn’t even let David come over if he hadn’t seen it all go down. Plus and his mum won’t let him stay away, that’s why you’re not allowed over at the moment,” Matteo explained.</p><p>David pressed closer and threw his arm around Matteo.</p><p>“Does it help to talk about them, the nightmares?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“No… probably, but it’s hard, I do talk to David sometimes,” he said.</p><p>That was a stretch, even with him he was reluctant to share but David made him speak up. Jonas looked to him for confirmation and he nodded.</p><p>“You gotta get out of that house, Luigi,” Carlos said.</p><p>“I can’t. Mama needs me. I’m ok, I’m fine,” he insisted.</p><p>He wasn’t, but David was there too, David would help him through it and so would his mum. They would take care of Matteo and his mum.</p><p>“Just to clarify, I do like Matteo more than any of you,” David joked. The conversation was getting heavy and Matteo was getting uncomfortable.</p><p>“Yeah, we can all tell,” Abdi said dryly.</p><p>“But you guys are great,” he promised.</p><p>“Yeah we are,” Carlos said, high-fiving Abdi.</p><p>“Can we do this every year?” Jonas suggested.</p><p>“Yeah with beer next time?” Abdi said.</p><p>“Have you ever even had beer?” David asked.</p><p>“Er, yeah,” Abdi said.</p><p>“When?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Me and Carlos stole some from his dad,” Abdi said.</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“Tasted like crap,” Abdi admitted.</p><p>“I like beer,” David said.</p><p>He didn’t at first, he and Matteo had done something similar, stealing his dad’s beer and then when they didn’t like it they stole some of his mum’s wine, which they also didn’t like. So they mixed it all with lemonade and ended up drinking way too much. They ended up blind drunk on a random Wednesday evening after school. Matteo had thrown up all over David’s room and his mum had been pissed. But his dad seemed to find it funny, even after he’d had to carry a very drunk Matteo down to the car and take him home with his head in a bin. He’d even lied to Matteo’s mum for him, told her it was food poisoning. </p><p>Matteo had told her the next day, and she’d grounded him. He hadn’t been allowed over to David’s for two whole weeks; it had been torture. Especially when their mums were still hanging out.</p><p>Still, every now and then when his dad had a beer with dinner, he’d put one out for David too, always with a wink. It was a nice thing they shared. He’d only indulged at first to seem grown up, more of a man, to be like his dad, but he didn’t mind it anymore. He’d never been drunk since though, and neither had Matteo.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“My dad lets me have it sometimes, at dinner,” he told them.</p><p>“Nice,” Jonas said.</p><p>“I quite like wine,” Matteo said.</p><p>“That’s gay,” Carlos said.</p><p>“No that’s Italian,” Jonas corrected.</p><p>“No I just have class,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Snob!” All four boys said at once, grinning at each other.</p><p>David turned to Carlos. “Carlos?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Can we stop with the gay jokes yeah? It’s not funny, it’s not cool. All it does is make you sound like an ass. My boxing trainer is gay, and he’s the coolest guy I know,” David said, a little stern, using what Matteo called his scary voice.</p><p>“He’s my cousin, Marco,” Matteo added.</p><p>“Marco is amazing,” Jonas said. </p><p>He looked a little guilty too, like he should’ve shot this down sooner. He should’ve but David knew it wasn’t that simple. Still, David knew Carlos would take it on board, he was a good guy, just an idiot. It was better to talk about it now, while he meant no harm, before it developed into something he started to believe.</p><p>“Ok sorry, I didn’t mean… no, yeah it’s shitty, I’ll try better, sorry,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Good,” David said pleasantly, but his warning was still there.</p><p>Carlos would try better or David would have this talk with him again, and next time he wouldn’t be so pleasant. </p><p>Matteo just sighed and leaned heavily on David, he could feel the relief emanating from him.</p><p>“Bedtime?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he whispered. </p><p>“Ok boys it’s getting late, baby Luigi is up past his bedtime,” David said. </p><p>“Fuck you,” Matteo said, but he grinned sleepily.</p><p>“Let’s get up early and go for a hike,” David suggested.</p><p>“Let’s get up at a normal hour and not,” Matteo countered.</p><p>“Hike!” the other boys cheered.</p><p>“Fuck sakes,” Matteo muttered. </p><p>David loved getting his way.</p><p>“It’ll be fun,” he promised, standing up and pulling Matteo with him, “night boys.”</p><p>“Good night,” they all mumbled, making their way to their own tent. David had no idea why they were so tired, they didn’t even help with the tents or anything.</p><p>Once he and Matteo were tucked up in their sleeping bags, Matteo turned to him. “Thank you,” he said.</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“Telling Carlos off without telling him about me,” he said.</p><p>“It affects me too,” David reminded him.</p><p>“I know, it’s just, it’s a lot hearing it all the time, it scares me. I know it’s nothing like when papa says it, but still it’s…”</p><p>“It hurts?”</p><p>“So much,” Matteo said, “I know they don’t know they’re hurting us, but still.”</p><p>“That’s why I told him to stop, and he will, and when you’re ready to come out, he’ll probably say sorry, and he’ll understand even better why it’s so shitty to say stuff like that,” David assured him.</p><p>“You’re so brave David,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Not really, just when it comes to protecting you. You gonna tell them?”</p><p>“Can’t, not yet… my papa can’t know. David, I can’t... my whole life is so hard already. Do you understand?”</p><p>“I think so. No sorry, I do, but can you explain it?” David said. </p><p>He thought he got it, but if Matteo was willing to talk for once, he would always encourage him.</p><p>“Ok, so it’s like this, I can’t tell mama because I don’t even know if she’d understand properly right now, but also lately she’s been reading so much about sin and how the sins we commit make her that way. I can’t be one of those sins, David, I can’t. Papa hates gay people, look how he is with Marco, he won’t hold back with me just because I’m his son. Then there’s the boys. You know what? They’d probably be ok, but we can’t know one hundred percent. You’re not telling them about you,” Matteo reminded him. “About you liking boys I mean,” he added.</p><p>“No, I’m not for the exact same reasons, about being trans either. That they probably don’t need to know but I might tell them one day, when I’m more confident and stuff. But you’re right, we’re just kids, we’re not even dating or anything, they don’t need to know yet,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah so you get it but… you get it too that it’s just something that makes you different from everyone else and… I can’t deal with that, I just want to get through it you know? I just want to be normal, I just don’t want to have to explain myself to people,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know I get,” David insisted.</p><p>“One day,” Matteo said.</p><p>“One day, you can tell them and they’ll get it and they’ll love you just the same,” David promised.</p><p>“One day,” Matteo said, looking at him, eyes half closed, smiling dreamily.</p><p>“What did Leonie say?”</p><p>“Oh er… she thinks Jonas is alright, said he was cute, something like it’s his move,” Matteo said, rolling closer to David and showing him his phone.</p><p>“So she’ll say yes then?”</p><p>“Honestly, I don’t know, she wasn’t clear, girls are weird,” Matteo said.</p><p>David laughed at his confusion. “I can’t believe Jonas might be getting a girlfriend,” he said.</p><p>Matteo just laughed. “I mean maybe? But I dunno he’ll probably mess up, embarrass himself. Leonie’s pretty cool, and don’t get me wrong Jonas is awesome, but I don’t think he’s there yet,” he said.</p><p>“Probably will mess it up if he keeps asking you lot for advice,” David agreed.</p><p>Matteo looked particularly put out at that.</p><p>“Excuse me? I had good advice, got straight to the point,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah I know, but girls like to be wooed you know,” David explained.</p><p>“No they fucking don’t Jane Austen, don’t pretend like you know this shit!”</p><p>“Hey, I know more than you! You’re not romantic. You don’t get it. Let’s face it, you try to be romantic, you end up kiss attacking me-”</p><p>Matteo kissed him again, cutting him off mid rant. Then he pulled back and grinned at him mischievously.</p><p>“For fuck sakes Matteo,” David muttered, gritting his teeth in frustration. </p><p>“What?” he said innocently.</p><p>David was so tempted to kiss him back, wipe that smirk off his face. He didn’t really know what was stopping him. Except when he did kiss Matteo, he wanted it to be special. Maybe it was dumb, but he needed it to be a little special in order to be brave enough.</p><p>“Surprise kisses are not romantic,” David said. </p><p>He was just grumpy because he never got to appreciate these kisses.</p><p>Matteo came closer again. David closed his eyes, ready for a real kiss now. “Next time I’ll warn you then,” Matteo whispered, then pulled back again.</p><p>“I am going to strangle you,” David said. </p><p>He looked all innocent, but it was all lies, Matteo was far from innocent, he knew exactly what he was doing.</p><p>“I’ll learn to be romantic and then I’ll woo you,” Matteo said quietly, like he was deciding something.</p><p>“You will?”</p><p>“Yeah for when we’re older and you’re forced to marry me because no one else will,” Matteo said. There was a glint in his eye that meant he couldn’t wait.</p><p>David flicked his nose. “I mean that is hypothetical, and it depends on both of us being single, why am I still single in this situation?” he asked.</p><p>“Er? You’re too stubborn no one else will put up with you,” Matteo suggested.</p><p>Matteo started squealing when David reached into his sleeping bag and started to tickle him.</p><p>“Matteo, are you alright? Are you having a nightmare?” Jonas yelled.</p><p>“David is tickling me!” Matteo yelled back.</p><p>“Oh. Well you’re on your own there,” Jonas said, laughing to himself.</p><p>“Traitor. David stop,” Matteo said, gripping his wrists and trying to wriggle free.</p><p>David ceased his tickling.</p><p>Matteo gasped and tried to catch his breath.</p><p>“You’re so rude,” he said, when he’d calmed down.</p><p>“<em>I’m</em> rude?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah, you know you’re stubborn, it’s not news to you,” Matteo reminded him. </p><p>“Not that stubborn,” David argued.</p><p>“A bit stubborn though,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Well, you’re… you’re…”</p><p>“What am I?”</p><p>David just smiled at him, done with their teasing and bickering. “You’re my best friend,” he said.</p><p>Matteo beamed at him. “And you’re mine,” he whispered, closing his eyes and shifting closer. </p><p>David continued to watch him as he drifted off. Then he settled down and closed his eyes, smiling to himself. Today had been so much fun, just mucking around with his friends, just being silly. Not worrying about anything apart from whether or not the tents were going to make it through the night. Well, his and Matteo’s would, the other one, David wasn’t so sure. But he felt so content, so happy. This was exactly how his summers were supposed to be. Easy and free, not a care in the world.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next</p><p>more camping shenanigans, a reluctant hike, and fun at the lakes</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David still can't quite believe he has this, that this is his life now. He could still remember just a few years ago spending his summers by himself, awkwardly following Laura around, or even his mum sometimes. He'd never had these kind of close friendships, but he'd had these boys for over a year now and he just knew they weren't going anywhere.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Funnily enough, the next morning no one but David seemed excited for their hike. He practically had to drag a half-awake Matteo out of their tent, after jumping on him, of course. Then he’d had to threaten to dismantle the other tent in order to get the boys out. But still after a lot of fussing, grumbling, and whining all four of them were awake. Although Matteo was still pretty close to sleep. He was leaning against David just to stay upright. But at least they were all out of their tents.</p><p>“David, we are on holiday, why do we have to be up so early?” Matteo mumbled, leaning even more weight against David.</p><p>David should push him away really, stop encouraging that kind of behaviour. He didn’t really mind though, Matteo wasn’t exactly heavy, and his weight was sort of comforting.</p><p>“Maximum daylight hours,” he explained cheerily.</p><p>“I’m tired though,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“Nope, no excuses, you slept through the night,” David said.</p><p>He had too, David hadn’t been woken like he usually was when he stayed over. When he had woken up, Matteo had been sound asleep, curled up in his sleeping bag. David had left him to sleep. Instead of waking him, David had clambered out of the tent and wandered around the clearing, heading out into the small cluster of trees. He’d taking his sketchbook and his camera with him to pass the time. He’d gotten lost in that for almost an hour, in the morning light it was beautiful out there. Still, eventually he’d gotten bored, wanted company. He’d decided everyone needed to wake up and keep him entertained.</p><p>“You don’t know,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Do too, you slept Matteo, you’re fine,” David insisted.</p><p>Hopefully Matteo would sleep better out here. David was pretty sure it was his house that had started the nightmares in the first place. Plus, he’d read that sleeping outdoors was good for you. David was certain that was true, he felt totally refreshed already, awake, alert and ready to go.</p><p>“Fuck sakes,” Matteo grumbled, but he righted himself and stretched out. </p><p>Jonas approached them sleepily, rubbing his eyes and yawning. “What’s the plan then Mr Outdoors?” he asked, not grumpy like Matteo, just tired.</p><p>“Lakes? Swimming? Or just hiking around the woods?” David suggested.</p><p>“Lakes,” Matteo chipped in.</p><p>“So you can sleep?” Jonas asked.</p><p>“Yep,” he said, no shame.</p><p>“Lakes it is,” David said.</p><p>“Hello David, hello boys, you’re up early,” Emily said, coming into the clearing, laden down with food.</p><p>That perked up Abdi and Carlos who had been leaning against each other half asleep. All five of them immediately surrounded her, clamouring for the food.</p><p>“Hi Emily,” David said.</p><p>“Food for all of you, and coffee for you, Matteo,” she said.</p><p>Matteo hugged her and took it gratefully, then wandered off to sit down. Emily handed over all the food and left them to it. She said she had gardening to do, but asked them to check in by seven that night.</p><p>Matteo was still the only one of them to drink coffee. He’d told David his nonna had given it to him when he was just seven, and now he was addicted. Which wasn’t true, he barely drank it and only to show off really. Still, maybe it did do something. David watched him gulp it down and shake his head to clear the sleep. He already seemed more alert as. David went to sit beside him with his toast, handing half of it to Matteo. </p><p>David startled slightly when the other boys stripped off and got into their swim stuff.</p><p>They just all got naked in front of each other, no qualms at all. David took a deep breath and tried not to panic, tried not to stare or look like he was too uncomfortable. It wasn’t discomfort really; they didn’t make him uncomfortable, but that was the easiest way of describing it. It was this aching sadness he got at how comfortable they felt in their own bodies, how they didn’t need to hide or cover up. David never felt comfortable like that, and it hurt.</p><p>David glanced at Matteo unsure, but Matteo just shrugged, used to this behaviour, and held out his coffee to him. David wrinkled his nose.</p><p>“Are you going to get changed?” he asked Matteo.</p><p>“Are you?”</p><p>“Already ready, have trunks on, I’m good,” he said. </p><p>He’d gotten ready before waking everyone, he thought that was the easiest option.</p><p>Matteo groaned as he realised he really didn’t have a choice here, that he wasn’t going to get to go back to sleep. So he shoved his coffee into David’s hands and climbed into the tent. David heard him rummaging around and complaining to himself. </p><p>David smiled a little, Matteo’s grumbling was such a familiar thing by now and it always relaxed him. He held the coffee cup in his hands; it was warm and comforting, just like Laura and her tea. He focused on the weight of that instead of the boys. After a minute he lifted it to his face and sniffed it, it did smell good, reminded him a little of Matteo. Maybe he was onto something. He braved a sip and winced; it was so strong and kind of bitter. Maybe coffee wasn’t for him after all. Maybe he would grow to like it, like he had with beer. Or maybe he was just a tea guy.</p><p>Matteo climbed back out of the tent. He didn’t even say anything just pulled off his pyjama bottoms, right there in front of him. Just like the other boys. He knew they were probably all used to changing together, from gym class and such, but it still took David by surprise to have a half naked Matteo in front of him. He blushed and turned around.</p><p>“Embarrassed?” Matteo teased.</p><p>“Fuck off,” he hissed, but his face got redder and redder.</p><p>“David, my jumper is almost down to my knees, you won’t see anything,” Matteo said.</p><p>He was right, all he’d seen was Matteo’s knobbly knees really; nothing he hadn’t seen before. It was more the idea that he was naked that was making it awkward. They weren’t little kids anymore. He knew Matteo didn’t want to grow up, and neither did he, but they were. Being naked around each other was different now. This feeling had started since the kiss, since the potential of something had taken root in David’s mind. He scowled but turned around again.</p><p>“Ha ha, you’re all red,” Matteo said, pulling on his trunks, grinning at him. He had no room to talk, his cheeks were also pink, but he seemed more amused than embarrassed.</p><p>David rolled his eyes. “Well yeah, don’t want to see you naked, don’t want to have to bleach my eyes or anything,” he said, face still annoyingly hot. </p><p>He didn’t even know why he was so embarrassed about it. It wasn’t the same as how he felt when the others had stripped off, there was none of the jealousy there. It was just a strange feeling, like he suddenly wasn’t allowed to look at Matteo like that.</p><p>“Funny,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Ready?” David asked, trying to change the subject.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said, prodding David’s still red cheeks. “Swimming?”</p><p>This was ridiculous, David spent almost all his time with Matteo, they’d gotten changed together last night for goodness sake, just like they often did before bed. Matteo would turn around for David, to give him privacy, but David had never returned the favour, never felt inclined to. It was shyness he realised. He felt shy of Matteo; it wasn’t a bad feeling, just new. There was something else too, but David couldn’t put his finger on it. He’d been feeling that way a lot lately. He shook his head to clear it and Matteo smiled at him.</p><p>“Ok?” he said, confused that David hadn’t said anything in a few minutes.</p><p>“Yeah,” David mumbled.</p><p>“Sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Matteo said.</p><p>David shook his head again and wrapped his arm around Matteo.</p><p>“You didn’t, I’m just being weird, let’s swim,” David promised.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“I’m just being awkward I think… it’s like since we kissed I dunno, I feel shy… it’s like just an awareness… I dunno...” David admitted.</p><p>“Oh,” Matteo said, “sometimes I feel shy just when you look at me so I get it,” he whispered.</p><p>David smiled, that didn’t help his blushing, but it was ok.</p><p>“Ok so we’re good? How far is the lake?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“We’re good, I promise. I think maybe we might just be a bit awkward for a while… because… it is awkward isn’t it?”</p><p>“Because you saw my knees and wanted to jump my bones?”</p><p>David shoved him to the ground for that. </p><p>“Fuck off Matteo,” he hissed, but he held his hand out to help him up. “There’s a lake only five minutes away, and a better one about twenty minutes away,” he said, bracing himself for the inevitable complaining.</p><p>“David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“It’s really good though,” David insisted.</p><p>“Quiet?”</p><p>“Yeah, you can just sleep under the trees while we swim,” David said.</p><p>“Fine,” Matteo said, making it very clear he was being generous by allowing David to choose the lake, even though he always let David choose their adventures.</p><p>David just grinned and clapped his hands together. “Come on boys, let’s swim,” he said, trying to get them all moving.</p><p>They all whooped and cheered and ran straight into the trees, David directed them and then hung back with Matteo, walking at a normal pace. Matteo was still sleepy, and the chance of him tripping over a tree root and injuring himself was not insignificant. </p><p>“Are you ok to swim with them?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll leave my shirt on, who cares?” David said.</p><p>He was a little worried, but he knew it was going to be ok, he trusted them. They might be confused, but they wouldn’t be mean.</p><p>“They won’t say anything, I’ve already told them you have gang tattoos and have to stay covered up,” Matteo said </p><p>“You fucking haven’t and that’s racist,” David said.</p><p>Matteo looked alarmed. “No, it’s not… is it?”</p><p>“Yep, kinda, it depends. Would you say that if I was white? No, you’d say scars or some shit,” David said, punching his arm.</p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t think of that,” Matteo said, looking sheepish.</p><p>David shrugged, he was just dumb, as kind as he was he fell for dumb stereotypes sometimes. He wasn’t angry, Matteo wouldn’t say that again, he always took on board everything David told him when he was correcting him. It was the same with trans issues and stereotypes. </p><p>Only once, back when they were twelve, had Matteo referred to the time before he started his transition as when he was still a girl. And that was because that was how David himself referred to it. But he asked Matteo not to because he hadn’t known him back then. And Matteo obliged, had never done it again. Everyone said shit sometimes, the important thing was how they handled being corrected.</p><p>“Did you actually tell them anything?”</p><p>“No, I didn’t know if you wanted me to, I didn’t want to speak for you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok you were right, although I have no idea what I am gonna say. Maybe if they ask I’ll say I’m shy,” David suggested.</p><p>“They won’t believe you, you’re too cocky the rest of the time,” Matteo said.</p><p>David shoved him and they started to wrestle as they walked, Matteo stumbling as he tried and failed to gain the upper hand.</p><p>“Body image problems? I mean that’s technically the truth,” David said.</p><p>“Nope, not believable, you’re too hot,” Matteo argued.</p><p>David blushed, giving up their wrestling, Matteo’s comment completely catching him off guard. These next few years were going to be tough if he was always awkward and blushing around Matteo. Matteo said stuff like this freely and often, David was screwed.</p><p>“No, I’m not, stop it. And hot guys can be insecure too,” he reminded him.</p><p>“You are though, one day you’ll see it and you’ll be so annoying about it. But you’re right, hotness isn’t the same as confidence, take me for example,” Matteo said. “I’m low in confidence.”</p><p>“You are not hot,” David said immediately.</p><p>They both knew he was lying, it was oblivious at this point how attractive he found Matteo.</p><p>“You really aren’t,” Jonas said, coming back to drag them along. “Keep up will you?” he demanded.</p><p>Matteo jumped on Jonas’ back. “I am hot,” he insisted.</p><p>“Nope,” Jonas said. He didn’t throw him to the ground though, just wrapped his arms under Matteo’s legs to support him.</p><p>“Rude,” Matteo muttered, digging his heels in to spur Jonas along.</p><p>“You’re ok I guess,” Jonas said.</p><p>“Hotter than you, Carlos’ logic, remember?”</p><p>“He has a point,” David said, just to wind Jonas up.</p><p>Matteo climbed down and came over to high five David. He then made to climb up on David instead, but he shoved him away. Matteo had legs, he could walk.</p><p>“I do not see why I am at the bottom of this list,” Jonas said.</p><p>“Do you think really you’re as hot as David?” Matteo asked.</p><p>Jonas turned to David and sighed, clearly not up to arguing with Matteo. It seemed like he’d heard this on a regular basis from his best friend. This was taking a very weird turn, but David couldn’t help but feel flattered at the attention. He rarely got to feel like this, it was kind of nice. Matteo wasn’t teasing, he said stuff like this all the time. David knew part of it was because he knew David’s confidence was pretty low, but he was being honest too. He really thought that, he just said it more often than he probably should.</p><p>“I think I’m hotter than Carlos,” Jonas said.</p><p>Matteo scrutinised him for a moment. “Ok, I’ll allow that,” he said.</p><p>“Nice,” Jonas said, grinning smugly, puffing out his chest and everything.</p><p>They were all so silly, this weird competitiveness about their attractiveness.</p><p>“Can I ask why Matteo gets to decide these rankings?” David asked.</p><p>Matteo looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, then frowned as if he was just realising what they were really saying. He pulled his fringe down over his face which meant he was uncomfortable now. </p><p>David pulled him closer and wrapped his arm around him, he was pretty sure he knew why Matteo was upset. He thought he’d taken it too far, thought he was hurting his friends. </p><p>“Let’s not have rankings, yeah? It’s all a joke but it’ll end in upset, teasing like that, about shit you can’t change like looks,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“So wise Matteo,” Jonas teased, rubbing his cheek fondly.</p><p>“No, it’s just… it’s like what Marco said to Simon and Kurtis last week,” Matteo explained.</p><p>And David got where he was coming from. Matteo paid attention to everything, all the little interactions the rest of them forgot about. It was like he was constantly observing in order to navigate the world more easily. It was like what David did, watching other boys to copy how they behaved, to help him pass. Matteo watched people talk to learn them and copy how they socialised.</p><p>Last week at boxing David had been chatting with Marco when Simon came up and asked if he should buzz all his hair off. Apparently Kurtis had teased him, said girls weren’t into him because his hair was red.</p><p>“Yeah, Jonas he’s right, last week Kurtis teased Simon about his red hair, and then Simon almost cut it all off,” David explained.</p><p>“Marco told him off and he’s right, we don’t know what effect it has, deep down,” Matteo said.</p><p>“We don’t know each other’s secret insecurities,” David said.</p><p>That was what Marco had said. Had grabbed Kurtis and stood both boys together, told them to be careful what they said about each other. That everyone had shit they were self-conscious about and to try not to tease each other about the way they looked. Kurtis had apologised, and both boys were fine now.</p><p>“Oi Abdi!” Matteo yelled, surprisingly loud.</p><p>Abdi and Carlos came running back to join them. They were almost at the lake at this point, despite the fact they were walking slowly and chatting.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I don’t think you’re ugly, man,” Matteo said casually, but sincerely.</p><p>“Dude what?” Abdi asked.</p><p>“Just saying,” Matteo said with a shrug.</p><p>“You think I’m handsome?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Just not ugly?”</p><p>“I’m sorry for saying you were ugly the other day is all. If you can’t get a girlfriend, it’s because you’re weird and throw yoghurt at girls, it’s nothing to do with your looks,” Matteo clarified.</p><p>Abdi didn’t seem offended, he looked pleased with himself, almost smug even.</p><p>“Am I handsome, Matteo?” Carlos asked.</p><p>“Why are you asking me?” Matteo demanded.</p><p>“You just said to Abdi. Plus, you’re the cute one and you know it. All the girls at school love you. If anyone knows who’s handsome, it’s you,” Carlos explained, causing Matteo to blush.</p><p>“I’m not getting into this, I’m apologising because I’ve realised how mean it was to say shit like that,” Matteo said, exasperated now. He’d really opened a can of worms now, David knew the boys were going to constantly pester him from now on.</p><p>Abdi slung an arm around his shoulder. “I’ll forgive you if you teach me how to talk to girls,” he offered.</p><p>“Done,” Matteo said, far too quickly to mean it, he was smiling mischievously again.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yeah am I forgiven?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” Abdi said eagerly, waiting for Matteo’s words of wisdom. </p><p>David was also pretty keen to hear them, knew whatever it was would be a total burn for Abdi.</p><p>Matteo gestured for Abdi to come closer, dramatic as always. “Ok Abdi, here it is. You go up to a girl and you open your mouth and you say fucking words,” he said, grinning.</p><p>“You little shit! Carlos!” Abdi exclaimed.</p><p>He grabbed Matteo’s shoulders, and Carlos grabbed his legs.</p><p>“Got him!”</p><p>Matteo screamed as he was picked up by the two boys and unceremoniously dragged toward the water.</p><p>“David! David help me!” he screeched.</p><p>“I mean no?” David yelled back, watching as Matteo was flung into the water. </p><p>He could swim, he was fine. David grabbed Jonas’ hand, and they both yelled and ran into the water. Then all four of them swam around a floundering Matteo who had surfaced and was spluttering crossly. David swam up to him and placed a hand under his chin to help him.</p><p>“I’m ok,” Matteo said, treading water and catching his breath.</p><p>David grinned and let him go, he dived back down under the water and swam down deep, tickling Matteo’s ankles as he went. He loved being underwater like this. It was so peaceful and quiet. He stayed under until his lungs were burning then swam up to surface again. When he did, he found Carlos and Abdi wrestling. Matteo and Jonas were laying on their backs floating peacefully.</p><p>He swam over to them and turned so he was floating beside Jonas.</p><p>“Why do you wear a shirt?” Jonas asked curiously.</p><p>Matteo splashed him.</p><p>“Gang tattoos,” he said, joking this time, trying to drop Jonas in on it.</p><p>David rolled his eyes.</p><p>In his excitement, Jonas tried to right himself too quickly and almost drowned all three of them.</p><p>“For real?” he demanded excitedly.</p><p>“No? What the hell? I’m fourteen,” David reminded him.</p><p>“That would be so cool though,” Jonas said.</p><p>“Gang culture isn’t cool, Jonas,” David reminded him.</p><p>“Yeah Jonas,” Matteo said, like he hadn’t been the one to bring it up.</p><p>But David appreciated it, he was just trying to distract Jonas, so that David didn’t have to explain himself.</p><p>“Shit, yeah of course man,” Jonas said apologetically. “So the shirt?”</p><p>David sighed and floated closer to Matteo who grabbed his wrist and held tight, comforting him. “Do you <em>need </em>to know?”</p><p>“I guess not. I was just curious, you know? But it doesn’t matter, if you don’t want to tell.”</p><p>“I have a reason, but I’d rather you just left it alone,” David tried.</p><p>He knew Jonas would drop it; he wasn’t sure about Carlos and Abdi.</p><p>“Course man, no worries. Like, it doesn’t affect me was just wondering,” he said.</p><p>“So nosy,” Matteo chastised.</p><p>David realised that while Matteo probably hadn’t told Jonas anything, Jonas was probably aware that there was stuff Matteo knew that the others didn’t. Matteo had probably had to shut him down a few times now.</p><p>“No, I’m not. I’m sorry, David, I hope I didn’t put you on the spot,” Jonas said.</p><p>Yeah, he was definitely aware of something. But David found he didn’t mind. He trusted Jonas not to push.</p><p>“No, I… I was ready for you to ask, but… I don’t want to lie either. I don’t want to tell you why, but I don’t want to lie,” David said.</p><p>“Lie about what?” Abdi said swimming up to them, followed closely by Carlos.</p><p>“Why he wears a shirt to swim?” Jonas explained.</p><p>David absolutely hated this, the attention, all of it focused on him. He just wanted to dive back down and hide. But he stayed where he was, Matteo’s hand around his wrist stopping him going anywhere.</p><p>“Oh… then don’t lie?” Abdi suggested simply.</p><p>“I don’t want to tell you the truth either,” David clarified.</p><p>They were quiet for a moment while they thought it through.</p><p>“Then don’t tell us anything, if it’s not our business, right?” Carlos said, after a few minutes.</p><p>“Right,” David agreed, sighing with relief.</p><p>“Then it’s chill, no pressure,” Abdi said kindly.</p><p>“Yeah man, as long as you’re ok,” Carlos insisted.</p><p>“I’m ok,” David said, relaxing again.</p><p>He wondered what they thought, but perhaps it didn’t matter to them. Perhaps they were able to put it out of their minds.</p><p>But David was so ok. His friends were so chill, so cool, it was amazing. They never pushed or questioned him, took him at his word always. He loved them so much.</p><p>“Then it’s no worry we’re good,” Carlos assured them.</p><p>“Cool thanks Carlos,” David said.</p><p>“No problem, and if you ever do get confident and wanna take your shirt off, don’t if there are girls around, ok? Let me have a chance, can’t have them all over you and your hot boxer body,” Carlos said, causing David to burst out laughing.</p><p>“Yeah that’ll be the reason you don’t get girls, David taking his shirt off, nothing to do with your personality,” Matteo said dryly.</p><p>Carlos dunked him under the water for that, while the rest of them laughed. David just continued to float there beside Jonas, completely relaxed and at ease. He knew he’d said this every year for the past few years, but he really felt like this was the best summer ever. He told Jonas as much and his friend just grinned and bumped his fist.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next:</p><p>the fun is over, so is the summer and they're growing up, but they're ok, they'll always have each other</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Another summer is ending and David can't help feeling like it's bittersweet, both boys are suffering. But still, David feels hopeful, he knows they'll be ok and good things are coming, for both of them.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The week out in Furstenberg was one of the best weeks of David’s life. He’d never thought he’d ever get to do something like that, just have fun, muck around, no parents, just Emily letting them do whatever they wanted. A trip with his friends, he’d have never thought that possible a couple of years ago. David felt like one of the boys, felt like he belonged with them and it was wonderful. Not one of them questioned him. He was just David to them and it felt so amazing. That was the best part, that feeling of belonging, that feeling of being part of something. </p><p>He’d always thought he was going to go through his teenage years angry and alone. Had dreaded it. Instead, he was so happy, so loved and wanted. School didn’t matter, the other kids, the teachers, his parents didn’t matter. None of it did because he’d found somewhere he belonged.</p><p>Even two weeks later, when all the boys except Matteo had gone on their various family holidays for the rest of summer, he was still on a high from it. Right now it was keeping him going when he should have been absolutely crushed. Instead, he was just in a bit of a funk. He’d had a bad few days, so he was moping in his room again, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as before. He was just a bit moody, a bit sad.</p><p>It started with someone misgendering him on the bus, followed by a bad session at boxing. That part was his own fault for staying up late the night before, with Matteo. </p><p>Matteo had blown off choir most of the summer, if his mum couldn’t go he didn’t want to either, so he didn’t care how late he stayed up. David wanted to stay up with him, keep him company. So he’d turned up for boxing half asleep, then Simon had almost knocked him out and Marco had yelled at him. Told him to pull himself together. That got his back up although really he knew he had no right. Finally, his shitty week was rounded off by Laura leaving to go on holiday with her friends, leaving him alone with his parents. They weren’t awful or anything just a bit much. Plus, his mum kept fussing over him binding, although at least she hadn’t taken them away from him.</p><p>Still his mood dipped and dipped until he crashed and locked himself away. He appreciated his parents being gentle with him for this, but wished Laura was home, she was better at it. But better than Laura was Matteo. And thankfully after a day of ignoring him, when David called and begged him over, he came immediately.</p><p>He just snuck into his room, and after waiting for confirmation climbed into the bed beside David.</p><p>“I’m ok,” David said, turning around and letting Matteo wrap him up in his arms.</p><p>“Ok just not brilliant?”  </p><p>“I dunno what’s wrong. I just wish we were still in Furstenberg, it was amazing there. I loved it, I felt real you know? They all saw me like you do, no questions. And now the boys have gone, and that’s fine, it’s just when they come back it’ll be time for school you know? Plus Laura’s gone too and everything feels a bit shit again,” David said, realising just how down he really was. He’d been holding onto the memory of the trip to keep him going, but now he felt like crying.</p><p>“She’ll be back,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No Matteo, she’s moving out,” David argued.</p><p>“Oh yeah, but… yeah I get that, you’re gonna miss her. I wish I had a sister,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>Sometimes he wished he could give Matteo Laura. If anyone needed an older sibling, it was Matteo. Matteo had no one looking after him in that house. David tried his best, but he didn’t know how much longer it could go on. His mum didn’t even know how bad it was anymore. He knew she wasn’t going to let much more slide before she had to go to the authorities, but he couldn’t do that to Matteo, so he kept quiet.</p><p>“Yeah like Laura, she’s so good,” Matteo said.</p><p>“She’s so great. She’s such a good buffer between me and my parents, but even without that I just love her, she’s the best. I knew she’d get me as soon as I told her, I knew I had her, without her I don’t know where I’d be,” David said.</p><p>“That’s amazing, but she loves you too. She’s not just gonna disappear on you, she’ll miss you so much, and you can go round all the time,” Matteo said.</p><p>That was true, she wasn’t exactly moving far, he just worried sometimes that she wouldn’t want her kid brother hanging around, cramping her style. But he knew Laura wasn’t like that. She always let him hang out with her at school. She’d never turn him away, whether he just went over for a cup of tea, or he needed somewhere to stay for a while. She’d always take him in.</p><p>“True true. And she’ll have her fancy apartment,” David said.</p><p>“Nice, maybe we can go to all her parties,” Matteo suggested.</p><p>David laughed at that, he’d seen the state she was in when she came home from some of these parties, there was no way he would be allowed. Not without his mum murdering him. She was far more protective of him than she was Laura, but David appreciated it. He didn’t think he’d dare go to Laura’s parties, even if she did let him.</p><p>“She will not let us come to her parties, she thinks we’re babies,” he told Matteo.</p><p>Matteo shrugged. “Too loud anyway,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah, we’ll stick to jelly and ice cream for you,” David teased.</p><p>“Fuck you, David,” Matteo said, but there was no heat behind his words and the effect was minimised by the gentle way he was holding him.</p><p>“Thanks for coming over,” David said, snuggling close. He was pretty sure he felt Matteo pressing a kiss to his head, and he smiled. He felt all the misery and bad feelings fading away.  </p><p>He remembered when they first met and he hadn’t wanted Matteo to grow bigger than him, wanted him to always be smaller. Now he couldn’t be more grateful that they were pretty much the same height. No one else could make him feel this safe, could hold him like this, he would never let anyone else do this. </p><p>“Missed you,” Matteo whispered, lips still pressed to David’s hair. </p><p>“Sorry for ignoring you,” David said.</p><p>“You didn’t or… you texted me to warn me, you never used to do that,” Matteo said, not angry, just making an observation.</p><p>“Yeah that was shitty,” David said.</p><p>“It was, but you never meant to hurt me, you’re just not good at dealing with your pain. And I get that, it’s a lot, and it fucks you up, you’re so damn strong really. And you’re getting better, now you warn me it’s good. That’s all I want. I get that you need space,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You never need space,” David said, finally pulling back to look at him properly. </p><p>Matteo almost never sent him away, even when things were terrible at home, even when he couldn’t drag himself out of bed or do anything he still allowed David in. He suggested there were better things for David to be doing, but he hated being alone so much that he never asked him to leave. The only time he tried to make David leave was when he was scared of his dad, when he didn’t want David to see the arguments. David never left him then, would never leave Matteo alone in the middle of all that.</p><p>“Don’t like being on my own,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I think I’m just sad today, the other day a woman on the bus called me a young lady, that really hurt,” David said.</p><p>“Was she fucking blind? And who even says young lady, was she four hundred years old or what?” Matteo said, frowning and pulling away to look down at David properly. He looked at him, that look of concentration and scrutinisation on his face that he always got when he tried his hardest to picture what others were seeing when they looked at David.</p><p>David knew at this point Matteo had known him so long, known him only as David, could never see him any other way. Matteo saw things differently to most people, accepted David at his word. Because David was changing, even if Matteo couldn’t see it. But the boys didn’t seem to see it either. David didn’t know what they saw, but so far they had never even blinked whenever they saw him. Perhaps it was too gradual for them, perhaps they just thought he had soft features, perhaps they just thought he was developing slower than the rest of them. Whatever they thought David was grateful they never questioned who he was. </p><p>It was different for strangers, so often they saw him and did a double take, confused. He hated it. Some days it was tolerable. Other days like today it was unbearable. But at least he had Matteo to talk through it. Even though it led to a lot of bickering and sometimes arguments. Usually due to David being stubborn. But Matteo usually won, and David gave in to let him comfort him. </p><p>“She was older yeah, and she was like ‘excuse me young lady’, she wanted to sit down,” David explained.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“I thought I was good and then I get shit like that, what is it about me they see?” David demanded. He knew what they saw, they saw a girl. Maybe it was Matteo that was wrong all this time. Maybe David was just kidding himself and Matteo was just blind. Now he was spiralling into self-hate. </p><p>“I… David I don’t know I’m sorry. I don’t get why people do that, I-”</p><p>“It’s my face I think, and I’m too small. All this shit I can’t change, Matteo I don’t even know. What did she see?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Matteo said, confused.</p><p>“It’s too soft, my jaw, too delicate. My hands are too small, my feet too,” David said. </p><p>“No? You’re only fourteen, you just look like a fourteen-year-old boy-”</p><p>“No Matteo-”</p><p>“Yes, David-”</p><p>David sat up too and climbed over him to stop him pacifying him, it was no good and he didn’t want to hear it.</p><p>“Matteo,” he warned.</p><p>“David,” Matteo said. </p><p>He wasn’t worried about speaking his mind when it came to this, would always argue with him on this.</p><p>David sighed.</p><p>“I know you see it differently, I don’t think we’ll see it the same but… I’m right not you,” Matteo said.</p><p>David rolled his eyes, the stubborn blind fool. As much as he was fighting Matteo on this, he knew Matteo wouldn’t give in, would always fight back just as hard. And David appreciated it, truly he did, and when he’d calmed down, he’d tell Matteo as much. Right now he just needed to vent and Matteo knew that too.</p><p>“Matteo.”</p><p>“That woman was wrong David,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Fuck sakes everyone is wrong then yeah? Except you?” </p><p>He was being mean but Matteo could take it; he allowed it when David was in pain as long as he didn’t scream at him.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Great, that makes me feel so much better, one teenage boy sees me right every other fucking adult sees me as a fucking girl,” David spat.</p><p>Matteo winced a little, but didn’t drop it.</p><p>“Honestly, it probably has nothing to do with how you look. I know I don’t get it but I look at you and then I look at girls our age and I can’t see what you’re talking about. I’m sorry, but you are nothing alike. But David you always make yourself smaller, you can’t help it but look you’re a teenage boy, and you are not meant to be smaller, you’re such a big person, you need to take up the space you deserve. </p><p>“And remember old ladies think we’re all awful little shits, I bet she was half blind, and I bet you were already halfway to giving up your seat, too polite for what she expects of a teenage boy. You know this is the shit we talk about? The stereotypes that you can’t win against. All that shit that used to make you want to be tougher than you were. She’s just some fucking random old lady. I see you right, I see you exactly as you are. But so does Jonas, Carlos and Abdi the people who matter,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>David appreciated it, it felt good to hear it but it wasn’t enough; it wasn’t the same.</p><p>“But you all like me, it’s different. You know me,” he argued.</p><p>Matteo was quiet for a moment, he just stared up at David while he thought of his next argument. David saw the moment Matteo got it, but it wasn’t triumph, just a sad little look he got.</p><p>“You know who doesn’t like you or know you? My dad. He can’t stand you and I tell you what he sees you fucking correctly. He’s banned you from coming round, he thinks you and Marco are turning me gay and he’s banned me from seeing either of you,” Matteo told him.</p><p>Everything, all his worries were temporarily forgotten at that. Nothing else mattered now. He didn’t even care that Matteo’s dad saw him correctly. The man was an asshole. But for the first time ever he was truly afraid for Matteo, afraid his dad was going to go too far. </p><p>“What?” he whispered.</p><p>He shifted, so that they were laying down together and stroked Matteo’s hair from his face, just trying to offer him some comfort. Matteo should have led with that. If there was anything that was going to take David’s mind off his troubles, it was his best friend’s struggles.</p><p>“You’re not allowed to stay over anymore, he thinks we’ve been… I don’t even… he thinks you’ve seduced me, that we’ve been doing… stuff and you’ve corrupted me,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“What the fuck?” David whispered, “we’re kids?”</p><p>“He thinks we’re all perverts and sinners, the fact that we’re fourteen doesn’t even matter. In fact, I don’t think he even knows we’re the same age, he acted like you were some older boy who’s taken advantage of me, I think because you know Marco, I dunno, most of the boxer boys are older than us,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Matteo, am I not allowed round?” David asked.</p><p>If that was the case, there was no way he was letting Matteo out of his sight ever again.</p><p>Matteo just laughed, a little darkly. “This was like a week ago. He’s in Italy, who gives a shit?”</p><p>Matteo. Matteo gave a shit. Despite the mistreatment, he still desperately wanted his dad to change, to love him.</p><p>“Again?”</p><p>“Yep,” Matteo said, his voice wavering, even on just that one word.</p><p>David pulled him close.</p><p>“Oh,” he whispered, pressing Matteo against him. He didn’t know what else to say, all he wanted to do was comfort him but he didn’t know how to, how to make this better.</p><p>“We fought,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“About me?”</p><p>“About the fact he’s cheating on mama,” Matteo said.</p><p>He was very distressed. Matteo didn’t often think linearly, but the more stressed he became the more disjointed his thoughts were. He jumped around, forgot he hadn’t explained everything, that there was stuff he hadn’t yet told David. He was getting very confused, all this seemed to have happened the other day and Matteo hadn’t told him yet, which meant he had tried to block it out and now it had come back. David had to be gentle here.</p><p>“What Matteo? What? Why didn’t you say?” he asked, trying not to sound too demanding.</p><p>“You were sad,” Matteo said.</p><p>He didn’t mean that he couldn’t tell David because he was sad. He meant that no one had asked him how he was doing for a while because David had been too sad and no one else had.</p><p>“Talk to me, Matteo,” David said gently.</p><p>“He just got all aggressive, demanded to know why I was buying clothes from America,” Matteo said.</p><p>David’s heart sank. “Oh shit, Matteo,” he murmured.</p><p>“Nah it was fine except…”</p><p>“Except?”</p><p>“He was waving the bill in my face. I’d already checked it online, but… but I asked him back... I said, why is he buying lingerie? Because it sure as shit isn’t for mama,” Matteo said.</p><p>Suddenly David was afraid. He sat up and dragged Matteo with him checking him over, terrified. “What did he do then?” he demanded. </p><p>“Punched the wall above my head, he wanted to hurt me, I know he did,” Matteo said, eyes wide in fear and devastation. </p><p>David gripped onto Matteo’s shoulders tight. That was it, he was never letting Matteo near him again, that was too close.</p><p>“Shit, you’re not going back,” he said, wiping his own eyes.</p><p>“He’s already gone, he’ll be gone until school starts,” Matteo reminded him.</p><p>This was all so terrible, David didn’t think he’d felt this powerless in a long time. He had no idea what to do. If things got any worse, David was going to have to tell his mum, she had to know. She probably should know already. This was all so difficult, he’d promised Matteo not to let on yet. But he didn’t know how long they could keep going. He had to keep Matteo, and his mum safe somehow. He needed an adult.</p><p>“Damn Matteo,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“One day we’ll get away from all this shit,” David promised him.</p><p>“Yeah we will,” Matteo agreed, trusting David completely.</p><p>“And everyone we’ll see me right and your dad will never, ever hurt you, not physically, not mentally, one day we’ll be free.”</p><p>“Matteo?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Do you trust me?”</p><p>“Yes, always,” Matteo said, nodding.</p><p>“Do you trust my mum?”</p><p>Matteo looked torn, he already knew what David was asking. “Do we have to tell her?”</p><p>“I think so,” David admitted, he couldn’t see another way out of this.</p><p>“But he’s gone,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“Matteo, he threatened you,” David reminded him.</p><p>“I… I know,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“I have to tell her,” David said.</p><p>“Mama can’t look after me by herself. I’m almost old enough, David, just a year and a bit and I’m sixteen,” Matteo said.</p><p>David knew they didn’t have that long. And that wasn’t fair either, sixteen wasn’t old enough for that, not really. Damn, it was hard. David couldn’t wait to get to sixteen, it would open up an entire world to him. He’d thought he was going to have to run away, do that alone, but he knew that wasn’t the case now. As much as his mum fussed and pulled that worried face, he knew she had his back. He didn’t have to be an adult at sixteen, and Matteo shouldn’t have to either.</p><p>“Matteo, you’re not going to be old enough for this at sixteen, you have school,” David said.</p><p>“She’ll get better David, but if we tell your mum and they lock her away then what?”</p><p>There was a gentle knock at the door, and both boys jumped. Matteo’s face fell, he looked terrified.</p><p>“No! No, David,” he begged.</p><p>“Shit,” David muttered, she had to have heard that.</p><p>“David, can I come in?” his mum asked.</p><p>“Mum no wait,” David said, trying to think of an out.</p><p>“Oh god no David,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“Matteo, David I promise everything is going to be ok,” she said.</p><p>And he believed her. Right now they needed her.</p><p>“Come in mum,” he said.</p><p>Matteo looked at him like he’d completely betrayed him, and David felt awful.</p><p>“Ok boys?” she asked gently.</p><p>David wondered how much she’d heard.</p><p>“No,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>“I thought so, I was just coming to see if you wanted some lunch, I heard what you just said, your dad giving you shit Matteo?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>“Ok I only just got up here, so I only caught the tail end, but what you’re worried about that’s not how it works,” she said.</p><p>“Papa said,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“I thought he might have, Matteo has your dad threatened to send your mum away?” she asked.</p><p>David clenched his fists and tried to stay calm, his mum smiled at him and patted his head, warning him to chill.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh sweetie,” she said.</p><p>“Can he do that?” David asked.</p><p>“I… I don’t think so,” his mum said.</p><p>“But you don’t know?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“I don’t,” she admitted, “but I promise, me and Max will fight him on this, we won’t give up, we will never let you lose her.”</p><p>“Can you… can you talk to my grandma? For just in case, if I need an adult to help her make decisions. I was looking into it, and I can’t be in charge until I’m eighteen, but they can right?”</p><p>“They can,” she said.</p><p>“They hate him,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I’ll look into it for you, sweetheart,” his mum said, pressing a kiss to his forehead, Matteo relaxed. “You doing ok David?” she checked.</p><p>“Having a rough few days,” he admitted, crawling into her arms when she held them open.</p><p>“You boys are having a tough time of it, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“Being a teenager is a tricky time,” she said wisely.</p><p>“It’s such a mess, mum,” David said.</p><p>“It really is Sylvia,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“I’m afraid it doesn’t get all that much easier as adults,” she warned them.</p><p>“Great,” David muttered, but he smiled as she stroked his hair.</p><p>“But some parts get better,” she said, “you’ll have more control over things, you won’t feel as helpless either of you. I know both of you are going to do fantastically, you’ll always have each other, you’ll be fine, but until then, will you let me do the heavy lifting?”</p><p>Matteo just nodded and snuggled closer.</p><p>David knew one day would come sooner than later. The summer was ending, and so were their childhoods. Matteo didn’t get to be a kid anymore, this was exactly what he’d begged for all those weeks ago, a little bit of a reprieve before he had to grow up. David got it now, got the weight of that. </p><p>But they would be ok. They had help. They had his parents. They weren’t alone. And they had each other. They would always have each other. That would always be enough. He would take care of Matteo, and one day when they were grownups for real they would get away from all this shit. Their adult lives would be so easy, he would make sure of it. All this shit they were going through now that was it, they got to have a soft, gentle ending after all this. </p><p>They wouldn’t run away, they would stay right there, the two of them together, and they would be so happy. They would fucking show everyone, the bullies and the teachers and Matteo’s dad. They would be fucking delirious in their happiness and they would show them all. They would win. For now, though they both let his mum hold them close, let them be kids a little while longer.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next:</p><p>sadly more angst for poor Matteo, but David's parents step up and are amazing, and of course David is there for him as always</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Matteo had never ignored David before. If they weren't together then he would message him from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep. It was mostly memes and snarky comments, but also little affectionate messages, checking in whenever David was struggling. So it was very worrying that David hadn't heard from him all day. He'd of course messaged him, and to get no reponse was unheard of. Something was wrong and David was worried.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one is another sad one, but we're pretty much through the sadness after this. There's a bit of angst in the next one, but I think this is probably the saddest, everything is going to get better. David is already doing pretty well, he still struggles, but he's more confident than ever, he's very happy in his life. Now Matteo needs to heal too.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>
  <strong>part iv - don't have a lot left, just anger and something to prove</strong>
</h3><p>For the first time since they had become friends, Matteo was ignoring David. There had been many times when David just couldn’t face Matteo or socialise with anyone and had ignored his best friend. It was never for long, he always missed him too much. Matteo had <em>never</em> done the same to him. He had never gone a day without texting or calling. </p><p>It was the first day of the holidays and instead of spending all day with Matteo, David hadn’t been able to go over because his aunt was visiting them. His mum had forced him to stay home and make an appearance. She had the audacity to say he didn’t need to spend every day with Matteo.</p><p>He’d given her his best withering glare at that, but she’d just ruffled his hair.</p><p>He’d texted Matteo that morning, told him his annoying aunt Libby was coming over, but that Matteo should come round that night. Or David could get his dad to drop him off. But Matteo hadn’t responded. David kept messaging, and Matteo kept ignoring him. He was pretty worried. He should’ve gone over, should’ve blown off the stupid family gathering and gone to check on his best friend.</p><p>Instead, he’d stayed. He’d suffered Libby talking about her failed marriage and her terrible husband. She’d gone on all day about her ungrateful children, staring pointedly at him several times until his mum told her to cut it out. </p><p>His cousins were cool, older and wanted little to do with her because of the way she talked about their father. Which David got, his uncle was cool, he’d left Libby because they’d grown apart and become different people. It was the right thing to do. Libby was his mum’s sister, and she was far more of a nightmare than his mum ever was. He didn’t want to be mean, but he got exactly why his uncle Roy had left her.</p><p>She did not approve of David and his transition, but she didn’t dare say anything; she knew she wouldn’t be allowed in the house if she did. His mum always had his back. It was funny; she was pretty good these days, but even back when she’d been worse she still defended him against his aunt. It was as if only she was allowed to be shitty. If her sister spoke ill of him, she would jump to his defence. He guessed it was some kind of sibling rivalry. Whatever it was, it made her a total hypocrite, but he still felt good when she defended him.</p><p>Now Libby was gone, but she’d stayed for hours and by the time she’d left his dad deemed it too late for him to go over to Matteo’s house. Which was stupid, he was fifteen, he could go out by himself. So he was up and waiting for his parents to fall asleep so he could sneak out. He was practically sitting there with his ear to the door, slowly getting more and more frustrated.</p><p>He was trying to stay awake and listening out. He had no idea why they were staying up so late. They never usually stayed up like this, they were so boring normally. Now when David wanted to sneak out they’d decided to stay up chatting or arguing or whatever it was they were doing. </p><p>His dad had even gone back out for some reason, for nearly two hours. Where the hell did he have to go at this time? He was finally back now, he could hear him in the kitchen with his mum. It really did sound like they were fighting.</p><p>David needed to go soon, he was getting sleepy. He crept out of his room to the stairs to listen better. They weren’t fighting, or not each other at least. It sounded like his dad was arguing though, with someone on the phone. He crept down a little further and tried to peer through the bannisters. He couldn’t see anything though, they were in the kitchen.</p><p>He leant forward but froze when the stair creaked.</p><p>“Look sir, I’m not trying to tell you how to be a parent-” </p><p>He could hear his dad pacing the kitchen and wondered who he was talking to. His dad was a stoic man, not one to get frustrated easily, so this was pretty unusual for him.</p><p>“No hold on, if you would just-”</p><p>David jumped when his quiet father let out a sound of rage, it sounded like he’d slammed his phone down on the counter.</p><p>“He hung up Sylvia, he hung up on me!”</p><p>“Give me the damn phone,” his mum demanded.</p><p>Whoever they were talking to was in for it now. His mum was formidable when she was angry.</p><p>“Hush it’s ok sweetheart, give me the phone Max,” she said more gently. </p><p>What the hell was going on? Who were they calling, and who was in the kitchen with them? His mum was being soft, which meant someone was upset, and it wasn’t his dad. </p><p>“It’s ringing,” his mum said. “Don’t you start on me! How dare you hang up the phone? Your wife is in the hospital, your son is here terrified! You need to come home,” she said furiously.</p><p>David realised who they were talking about. He bolted downstairs to find Matteo in the kitchen standing there in his pyjamas, between his parents, looking like the world was ending.</p><p>The moment David got close, Matteo collapsed against him. David’s mum continued to absentmindedly stroke his hair while she continued to talk on the phone. Both boys were taller than her now, but she was still so strong, still able to comfort them in times like this.</p><p>“Boys, why don’t you go up to bed and-”</p><p>His mum shook her head, cutting his dad off.</p><p>“No, of course we’ll look after him but he is your <em>son</em>, oh you know what fuck off Berto!”</p><p>David squeezed Matteo tight, he was trembling, beyond stressed, but his mum would sort it out. She absolutely despised Matteo’s dad. His whole life he’d rarely heard her curse, she always told him off when he did. Yet five minutes on the phone with Berto seemed to bring it out in her. She was spitting mad now. David just squeezed Matteo who was leaning against him sniffling. She seemed to realise that her anger wasn’t helping. She stepped in front of them and pulled Matteo away from David. </p><p>“Matteo darling, your mum is fine, I promise. She just needs a little help right now but she’s ok. She’ll be in the hospital for a while, but you can stay here until she’s ok. We’ll take care of you,” she said, stroking his damp hair out of his face.</p><p>“Is my dad coming home?” Matteo asked, his voice barely above a whisper. </p><p>Where the hell was he? Summer hadn’t even started yet, had he seriously upped and left the first day of the holidays? No wonder Matteo had dropped out of touch.</p><p>“No sweetheart, he can’t get back for another couple of weeks. But he’ll try,” she said.</p><p>She was lying they all knew that. His dad sighed tiredly.</p><p>“He doesn’t like me very much,” Matteo mumbled, wiping at his eyes.</p><p>“That’s not true-”</p><p>“Yes, it is! You don’t get it… I’m just a disappointment to him. He can’t fucking stand me! He thinks I’m gay! He thinks I’m too soft! He thinks I’m too needy! Too clingy! Too much everything! I’m not the son he wanted, he tells me over and over!”</p><p>He pulled free of her and ran off upstairs.</p><p>David made to go after him but his mum held him back, she grabbed him and held him tightly. </p><p>“I am so sorry… so so sorry. I love you, ok? I love you, exactly as you are… I would never… I was as bad as him wasn’t I? I’m going to do better ok? David I love you. <em>You</em>, exactly as you are. I’m not like him, I’m not. You’re my son and you’re perfect and I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel as bad as that,” she insisted.</p><p>David hugged her back, he’d compared her to Berto a few times over the years. Both of them misunderstood their sons, but the difference was throughout everything he knew his mum loved him. She wasn’t the same, he’d always said that. There was a difference between her and Berto. Berto meant to be cruel, his mum never did, and he’d known that from the start. Their intent was different, but the effect was the same, the pain they caused their children was the same. His mum tried, she still made mistakes, but if she could she would always put him first. She’d learnt over the years that she needed to listen to him on these things, not the scary stories on the internet. And she did, their relationship was stronger than ever. She fussed a lot, was way too overprotective, but David loved her fiercely. She’d made mistakes, but so did everyone. And she was sorry, she was sorry for the mistakes she’d made. He glanced at his dad who nodded. He clearly felt the same. Right now knowing Matteo had no family to support him, he was so grateful for what he had. But he got to share it with Matteo, they would all help and Matteo wouldn’t be alone through this.</p><p>“I love you too mum,” David said.</p><p>He wanted to run up to Matteo, but he enjoyed being held for a moment longer. “Is Sophie ok?” he asked.</p><p>His mum pulled back and hesitated, wary of whether or not to tell him. She shook her head.</p><p>“Sophie is not very well at all. She reacted badly to Berto leaving this morning. She’s in the hospital now. We will take Matteo to go see her in a couple of days, he’s very scared right now-”</p><p>“He was in such a state Sylv,” his dad whispered.</p><p>“I’ll look after him,” David promised.</p><p>“I know you will, son,” his dad said. </p><p>“David?” </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Is Matteo gay?”</p><p>What the hell did that have to do with anything? She didn’t need to know this stuff, not when Matteo was upset like this. Matteo needed him, he didn’t have time to make chitchat with her.</p><p>“Why does it matter?”</p><p>“Because I don’t know how I feel about the two of you sharing,” she explained. </p><p>This again? Was she really doing this now? What the hell did she think was going to happen? </p><p>“For god sakes,” he muttered.</p><p>“David, I see the way you two look at each other ok? I’m not blind. I know you’re young and you don’t want to tell me any of this stuff and that’s fine. But you are young, you are full of hormones, and it would be irresponsible of me to let you share. I’m going to get him set up in the spare room,” she said.</p><p>David wasn’t having that, not right now at least. He did get where she was coming from; he wasn’t stupid he knew she was probably right. But Matteo needed him tonight, his nightmares were going to be awful and David was the only one that could look after him when he got like that.</p><p>“Mum!”</p><p>“She’s right, David,” his dad chipped in.</p><p>“Can’t we just… look what the hell do you think is going to happen? He’s distraught,” David reminded them.</p><p>She looked torn now, fighting between being a good parent and comforting Matteo. He was also pretty offended that she didn’t trust him. Just because they were teenagers didn’t mean they were out of control. Ok yeah they were pretty cuddly and affectionate, but they weren’t even nearly there yet.</p><p>“I know,” she said.</p><p>“Sylvia, why don’t we compromise? David, if you leave the door open you can share,” his dad suggested.</p><p>Ever the pacifist that man, David smiled at him gratefully.</p><p>“Thank you, seriously Matteo needs me, I can’t let him sleep alone, not when he’s like this. And nothing is going on ok?”</p><p>Technically that was true, nothing was going on between them in that way. Not yet, at least. He knew his parents would be so smug when it finally did. Maybe he’d never tell them just because of that.</p><p>At least they didn’t seem upset about it, not that he’d expected them to be. They both loved Matteo, he was pretty sure they were hoping for the same thing as David.</p><p>“David, if Matteo is gay, his mum still loves him, please tell him that. I know she’s a little lost at the moment, but whenever she talks of the sinners she never means him, never.”</p><p>“Does she know?” he asked.</p><p>Matteo had always said he thought she might know, they were so close. He should’ve been able to tell her anything, but it was the fear of losing that closeness that stopped him.</p><p>“She’s mentioned it once or twice, usually when we talk about the two of you-”</p><p>“Right well that’s got to stop right now!”</p><p>His mum just smiled and kissed his cheek. “Yes dear. I’m just saying she wouldn’t be surprised. She loves him more than anything and his dad can just get lost, they’re better without him,” she said.</p><p>“He loves him though,” David said.</p><p>“He does, you’re right, and he deserves to be loved,” his dad said.</p><p>“Can I go?”</p><p>She nodded. David hugged her again then ran upstairs. Matteo was already curled up in his bed. David got in beside him.</p><p>“She hurt herself,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“Matteo-”</p><p>“She hurt herself to make him come back and he still won’t, I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can do this anymore.”</p><p>David wrapped him up in his arms. “She’ll be ok and so will you Matteo. I think she needs to learn to let him go,” he said.</p><p>His dad should let them go really, should stop coming back.</p><p>“It’s hard,” Matteo said.</p><p>“So hard, but you have me, I promise. I’ll be here no matter what happens,” he promised.</p><p>Matteo turned around in his arms and pressed closer.</p><p>“I’d die I think, without you,” he said.</p><p>“No, you wouldn’t,” David insisted. “You have Jonas, Carlos, and Abdi. They all love you a lot ok, we all do. We want to help you, you’ve just got to let us,” he said.</p><p>Matteo nodded slowly at that, as he realised the little family of support he had built for himself. He wasn’t alone; he didn’t have to be. Just like David. David used to think that about Matteo, that without him he would be all alone but he wasn’t, he had so many friends now, so many people in his life that loved him, exactly as he was.</p><p>He was Matteo’s best friend, but Matteo was loved by everyone. He would never be alone. Neither of them would.</p><p>David held him until he fell into a restless sleep. He woke with him every time he did, trying and struggling to calm down from the nightmares that plagued him.</p><p>He managed mostly, but at three in the morning Matteo woke up thrashing so hard he fell out of the bed, pulling David with him.</p><p>The resulting struggle woke up his dad who came to see what was going on. </p><p>“Hey boys ok?”</p><p>“No-”</p><p>David still had hold of Matteo who was struggling, fighting to get free.</p><p>“Let him go, David,” his dad said gently.</p><p>He did, and Matteo immediately bolted.</p><p>His dad barred the door but didn’t reach out or touch him, knowing what sort of reaction that would get.</p><p>“I need to get to my mama!”</p><p>“It’s the middle of the night, Matteo,” he said, holding out his arms.</p><p>“I need her please,” he begged.</p><p>“She’s ok, I promise you she’s ok,” his dad said.</p><p>“No-”</p><p>“I was there, I took her to the hospital, I promise you they are looking after her. In the morning I will take you to see her, they might not let you in yet. But you can ask the doctors all the questions you want. I won’t let them lie to you,” he promised.</p><p>“Do you promise?”</p><p>“I promise,” he said.</p><p>Matteo stepped into his dad’s arms and collapsed against him. His dad held him tight for a long moment just shushing him, soothing away his pain. Then he picked him up and carried him over to the bed, tucking him back in like he was a little child, like he used to do for David when he was small. He wondered if Matteo ever had that. He thought probably not.</p><p>“I can’t sleep anymore, I just have nightmares,” Matteo said.</p><p>David would go over to his tomorrow and get some of his blankets and things, stuff to make him feel more comfortable here.</p><p>“Can we stay up?” he asked his dad.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Can we play Xbox?”</p><p>“Hmm.”</p><p>“Please Mr Schreibner, it’ll be a good distraction,” Matteo said sweetly.</p><p>Sometimes David was very grateful for just how sweet and innocent Matteo came across sometimes. It was bullshit; they both knew he was far worse than David, but it often worked on his parents, they could never say no to him. </p><p>His dad sighed and shook his head, but he was smiling fondly. “Fine but keep quiet,” he said, he didn’t even sound stern</p><p>“Can we shut the door?” David asked.</p><p>“David your mum-”</p><p>“We’re not going to start making out or getting hot and heavy,” David said, rolling his eyes.</p><p>Matteo sat up at that, startled. “What the fuck? We’re not doing that! I’m the saddest I’ve ever been. I don’t want to make out with anyone,” he said, glaring at David and his dad.</p><p>“Ok boys I’ll leave you to it,” his dad said, backing out of the room.</p><p>“Oh, so you trust Matteo, but not me?” David demanded, flopping onto the bed and grabbing the controllers.</p><p>“Matteo is a good boy, you are trouble,” his dad said before closing the door.</p><p>How dare he?</p><p>“Why the hell aren’t we allowed to shut the door?” Matteo asked David as he got settled beside him.</p><p>“Well, why did you tell my mum you were gay? Now she thinks we’re up to all sorts in here,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just laughed at that. “I was just wound up, but yeah… that was what he said, when I asked him to stay. He said he didn’t want to be in the house with his crazy wife and gay son so…”</p><p>David knew that Matteo was giving him the PG version, knew his dad had used a lot harsher terms. He got why Matteo couldn’t bring himself to say them though. “Fuck him, Matteo,” he said, taking his hand and squeezing it tight. “But well that’s why, I managed to convince her to let you stay in here, she was going to make us sleep separately just in case,” he explained.</p><p>“In case what? You tried to ravish me in the night?”</p><p>“Fuck off,” David muttered.</p><p>“She’s trying to protect my virtue. I appreciate that,” Matteo said, grinning up at him.</p><p>David couldn’t even come back at that. Matteo was smiling, that was all he cared about. He still flung his pillow in his face though.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next:</p><p>bullies, violence, and the boys being awesome and supportive friends</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Of course everything had been going to well, of course it was all going to come crashing down around him. David knew he couldn't keep these parts of his life seperate forever, but he hadn't been ready for it all to collide so soon, so violently. But he needn't have worried, he wasn't alone, and he never would be. He had so much support he could get through anything.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is the last angsty one for a while, and it never gets as heavy as these past few chapters. There'll be more drama to come, they are teenagers after all, but it's mostly fun from here.</p><p>Still I have to put a warning here, David is going to confront his bullies in this chapter, they are very shitty towards him, and they misgender him. There is also some violence, but David is absolutely fine, and unhurt. Afterwards he does freak out over what happened and he has a panic attack, but he isn't alone and it's brief. Still, please take care and as always if anyone needs to talk about anything in this chapter, or any of my writing, feel free to come chat.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They had a lot of nights like that, filled with fitful sleep and tears, but eventually Matteo settled in. He would be staying with them for the whole summer and despite the situation that had led to this, David was pretty happy. </p><p>He’d had three arguments with his mum so far over whether or not Matteo was allowed to sleep in his room. So far he was winning, but it wasn’t without his dad’s help. His dad seemed to find the whole thing amusing. He also seemed to understand that both boys were too young and had too much shit going on to be getting up to anything untoward.</p><p>It helped Matteo settle in better when David really did go over and get all his favourite things for him. All his blankets and sweaters. But the thing that made the most difference, the thing that settled some of Matteo’s anxieties was when he was finally allowed to visit his mum. It seemed to help ease some of his worries. </p><p>David had been along with him the first few times, it had been scary seeing her like that. Both boys had cried at how small and afraid she’d seemed, how desperate she’d been to go home. She wasn’t allowed. Still, the next best thing seemed to be when Matteo hugged her tight. She’d hugged David too, and they’d spent several afternoons at the hospital keeping her company. Over the couple of weeks she’d been in there, David had already seen an improvement in her mood. She was becoming calmer and more evenly tempered, less prone to worry and panic. David had to admit he was relieved. Matteo had been worried, but so had he.</p><p>Today Matteo had gone alone though. They were going to go to church, with a nurse and only in the hospital chapel, but that was their thing and David didn’t want to intrude. </p><p>So instead he was hanging out with the boys, trying not to mope too much. </p><p>They were mucking around at the skatepark. Jonas had found out David used to skate and had demanded he teach him. Apparently it was essential to his continuing nonexistent relationship with this Leonie girl.</p><p>Then Abdi and Carlos figured that if they could skate, they could also get girlfriends. None of them had listened when he told them that that was just stupid. </p><p>Plus, it was also hopeless. They’d been at it for three hours now, and none of them could even stand upright on their boards. They were covered in scrapes and bruises, and all three of them seemed pretty defeated.</p><p>It was a good job there weren’t any girls hanging around at the park. There was no way they’d find Abdi wobbling along like a baby deer attractive. All David could do was watch and try not to laugh too hard as Carlos tripped over his board and fell flat on his face. For the fifth time.</p><p>“Are you sure swimming isn’t cool anymore?” he asked Jonas, pulling at his t-shirt.</p><p>It was really hot; the heat was oppressive and sticky. He would love to be at the lake right now, under the cool water. Or laying down under the trees.</p><p>“We’ll go swimming tomorrow David, calm down. I’ve just gotta get good at this,” Jonas insisted, slipping off his board and falling into David’s arms. David grinned and helped him back to his feet.</p><p>“And this is to impress Leonie?” he asked.</p><p>He wasn’t sure how that would work. Not that he’d ever tried much to impress girls. He never really needed to try. He was pretty sure he could think of six girls at his school who were into him. Possibly more. Two of them had asked him out last year and when he turned them down, that seemed to make them even more interested. He’d told Matteo this, and he’d been pretty amused that David got all the attention without having to try. But then out of all of them Matteo was the one who got the most attention, and just laughed at David when he got annoyed. </p><p>He was glad he never had to try and impress anyone, Matteo was a sure thing at this point. Still, he did enjoy flirting with him, making him blush. Maybe he could teach Jonas that. He wasn’t sure how impressed Leonie would be if Jonas told her to fuck off and then tackled her to the floor though.</p><p>“No. Maybe,” Jonas mumbled.</p><p>Jonas had chickened out of asking Leonie out last year. He was supposed to do it the very first day of term, last autumn. That evening Matteo had met him after school, dragging a very sheepish Jonas along with him. Jonas wasn’t often allowed to meet with them in the evenings but Matteo had to regale David with Jonas’ woes and he wanted Jonas there for that. Apparently, Jonas had approached Leonie to ask her out and for some reason he’d just started rapping. Badly. Matteo had had to step in and drag him away. It had all been terribly embarrassing. </p><p>David had patted poor Jonas’ shoulder and tried his best not to laugh. He was pretty hopeless.</p><p>Still, now they were all kind of friends. Leonie and her friends hung out with Jonas and the boys every now and then. David had actually met them at Easter, they’d gotten along great so Jonas had forbidden him from talking to her. Then he’d taken it back when he realised how shitty that sounded. So he was sort of friends with Leonie and her friend Sara. It was pretty amazing how many friends he had now.</p><p>Jonas’ latest scheme to win Leonie over was to become a cool skateboarder.</p><p>He didn’t need to, according to Matteo. He seemed to be caught in between the two of them, both of them confiding in him about how they felt. And Leonie thought Jonas was cool, would go out with him the moment he asked. As long as he didn’t rap.</p><p>David had never thought Jonas was ugly, despite how the other boys had teased him last summer, but he was certainly growing into his face now. He was developing a style too; he had a look. It wasn’t exactly skater boy, but still, he looked good. So David he kind of got it, whatever this Leonie girl saw. He figured Jonas had a good chance of getting a girlfriend this year. Not that he would ever tell Jonas that, it was more fun to make him suffer.</p><p>“Look ok, I told her I could skate, so she invited us to this other skate park by her house. She wants us to meet her there next week,” Jonas told him.</p><p>David raised an eyebrow. “Us?” he asked. He was pretty sure it wasn’t all of them that Leonie wanted to hang out with.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Jonas whined, “those two were there too, but she was only talking to me.”</p><p>“Then it’s just you ok? So stop dancing around it, she likes you,” David said, clapping a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Do you think she was asking me out?”</p><p>“Maybe. Look there’s only one way to find out,” David said, trying to be reassuring.</p><p>Jonas just needed a confidence boost. </p><p>“Impress her with my moves?” Jonas said.</p><p>“Nowhere near enough time dude,” David said, punching him on the shoulder.</p><p>“There might be, look I can do this, just let me practise,” Jonas insisted.</p><p>David rolled his eyes and watched Jonas wobble along on his board.</p><p>It was a lot of fun, none of them were any good but he was having fun. Even David wasn’t that good, he hadn’t skated in a few years and had gotten rusty. Still, he wasn’t falling as much as the rest of them.</p><p>Suddenly it wasn’t fun anymore.</p><p>“Oi! Oi! Schreibner! Oi freak!”</p><p>David’s blood ran cold. He hadn’t thought too much about it, but they were near his school. He’d suggested this park, when Jonas had asked. But it was near to where his classmates lived. Of course they would show up. Of course they would ruin everything. </p><p>Fuck. He needed to get out of there, but he was frozen. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, he felt dizzy and ill. God, they were going to out him; they were going to tell the boys and then they would leave.</p><p>“What the fuck did you say?” Carlos demanded, standing up from where he’d been laying sprawled on the floor. </p><p>Somehow Carlos was now the most intimidating one of them. He’d had a growth spurt recently and towered above all of them. He towered above Caleb and Mikkel too. The two boys approached them now and David tensed, trying to will his legs to move and get him out of there. He knew that everything was about to be ruined, his friendships destroyed, but he didn’t have to be there for that. God, why wasn’t Matteo here? Matteo loved him exactly as he was. He wouldn’t be panicking if Matteo was here with him.</p><p>Carlos was taller, but he wasn’t a fighter and David didn’t want a fight. He wanted out; he wanted to run home and cry. He tried to back away, but it was too late; they were here, and they wanted to hurt him.</p><p>“I called the princess a freak,” Caleb said, leering at him.</p><p>David was going to pass out, he swore he was. He felt the bile rising in his throat, felt the usual heavy weight in his stomach. This was what he had to deal with at school, he’d never had to worry about it in the summer.</p><p>“Again, what the fuck?”</p><p>That was Jonas this time. He stood beside David now, a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t know what their problem was, but he was quick to jump to David’s defence. He appreciated it. He wondered if he would still stick around once he knew.</p><p>“Oooh are you her boyfriend?” Mikkel asked, sniggering and high-fiving Caleb.</p><p>“David’s? No? What are you on dude?”</p><p>Jonas glanced at David, confused. David just stared ahead and wished this was over. Jonas didn’t leave though, he took comfort in that.</p><p>“Aw sweet <em>David. </em>So the little freak is your girlfriend then? Man that’s rough,” Mikkel said.</p><p>Every word felt like a slap. David couldn’t take it. He wanted to disappear, he just wanted out. He was about to lose everything. They wouldn’t stick around after this. What if they just walked off? Just left him here with these boys? He was scared; he was so scared. He felt like he was going to throw up. He was shaking with it. He chanced a glance at Abdi; he was looking at him, so confused. Carlos looked equally puzzled. But Jonas just stood there, head held high, his face calm.</p><p>“I think David is a little out of my league don’t you?” he said.</p><p>David had to smile weakly at that despite the situation. The other two seemed to take direction from Jonas at that. Abdi stepped forward too, Carlos right behind him, all three boys standing close to him. Surrounding him, protecting him. They had his back.</p><p>“Dude it’s not okay to call gay people girls. Not that David is gay or I don’t even know, but homophobia isn’t cool, dude,” Carlos said.</p><p>Carlos had taken what David had said to heart last year. He’d learnt so much, had never made those kinds of jokes again. Carlos was the kind of guy that never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. Now he even corrected others if they said something offensive. It made him kind of annoying, but also so sweet.</p><p>“She <em>is</em> a girl,” Mikkel said.</p><p>The boys didn’t even blink, but David couldn’t take it. It was one thing having to deal with this at school; it was completely different to have it outside of school. These were his friends, these boys were safe and Mikkel and Caleb were trying to ruin that, take them away from him. He had to put a stop to it. He wasn’t going to take this; he was going to fight back.</p><p>“No I’m not!” he screamed. He smashed his fist into Mikkel’s face and then stood there stunned as he crumpled to the floor. He hadn’t punched anyone outside of boxing, hadn’t realised how easily they would go down. He’d been ready for a fight, these two had been his tormentors for years, he hadn’t realised that they were all talk. </p><p>Caleb approached him, but Jonas stepped in between them.</p><p>“Dude he’s a fucking boxer. You wanna keep your face in one piece? I suggest you back the fuck off,” he warned. “There are four of us and one of you, pick your friend up and walk away.” </p><p>David had never heard Jonas sound so cold. He felt very glad he was on his side.</p><p>Caleb took another step forward, but Mikkel grabbed at him, and he finally turned and looked at the state his friend was in. Mikkel’s nose was probably broken, there was blood pouring down his face. He was whining pathetically, crying too. Caleb looked to David’s still clenched fist, then back to his friend’s face. </p><p>David saw the moment it clicked for him, that David was stronger than either of them. He realised Caleb was scared now. It was like it had taken him a moment to reconcile the damage to Mikkel’s face with David’s fist, but when it clicked, that David really was stronger than them, he paled. David stepped closer and he flinched. He supposed getting knocked out by a trans guy wouldn’t look good for either of them. He would though, he’d punch the shit out of them.</p><p>“Call me a girl again and I’ll punch you so hard in the throat, you’ll never speak again,” he spat.</p><p>Jonas stepped up beside him. “David is one of my best friends and <em>he</em> is fucking amazing, I’m sorry that you can’t see that, that you’re blinded by your prejudices,” he said.</p><p>“She’s-”</p><p><em>“He</em> is our brother and you are fucking idiots, I won’t hear it, whatever bullshit you want to say, we’re not listening. Get lost, we don’t need your hate. I pity you dude,” Jonas said.</p><p>Caleb pulled Mikkel up and dragged him away, muttering to himself. David watched them go. The moment they were out of sight he collapsed into Jonas. All his rage faded in seconds, replaced with terror and fear. Jonas just held him tight while he cried. David sobbed against his friend’s shoulder.</p><p>Carlos and Abdi stayed close, so that he was completely surrounded by them. Completely safe. None of them spoke until David had calmed down a little.</p><p>“Fucking assholes,” Abdi muttered, once David pulled away a little. “Those the guys who bully you at school?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David whispered, allowing Jonas to lead him to the edge of the bowl. They all sat down, dangling their legs over the edge.</p><p>“Because you’re gay?” Jonas asked carefully. His tone was so gentle. </p><p>David knew he was safe, he knew then he could tell him anything.</p><p>“No,” he said, bracing himself, but he just knew it would be ok. “It’s… it’s because… because I’m trans,” he whispered.</p><p>David saw the moment it clicked, the horror and anger on their faces. But it wasn’t directed at him, it was on his behalf. All of them looked furious, as they realised just what those assholes had been saying. They were angry as they realised just what they’d witnessed. Carlos jumped up and started to pace the edge of the bowl.</p><p>“Those fuckers!” he spat, “those absolute dicks! How dare they?”</p><p>David had never seen Carlos angry like that, he looked like he was seriously considering chasing them down and starting a real fight. Abdi looked pretty similar, both of them incensed by the injustice of it all. It made him feel safe, loved, cared for, that they got this upset on his behalf. He leant against Jonas.</p><p>Jonas’ anger was different, quieter. He sat there calmly, but he stared straight ahead, jaw clenched, silently fuming. He looked so broken by this revelation, so disappointed with the world right now. He was upset and distressed that this had really happened to one of his friends. Horrified that David had to deal with this.</p><p>His arm was still a comforting weight around David, making him feel safe while the remaining adrenaline faded.</p><p>“You guys aren’t like, grossed out?” David asked after a while.</p><p>Jonas squeezed him tighter, but didn’t speak. Carlos and Abdi shook their heads furiously. Carlos finally calmed down enough to come and sit down again.</p><p>“No, of course not!” Abdi said.</p><p>“I’m still a boy,” he insisted.</p><p>“Well duh,” Carlos said, looking completely confused. </p><p>For a second David wondered if he even knew what trans meant, but he realised he was just used to negative reaction. That wasn’t to say he wouldn’t have to deal with people like Mikkel and Caleb again, but it was like Matteo always said, sometimes, just sometimes, people could be good. </p><p>“No, er… I know what you mean. I’m kind of shocked yes, but of course we’re not grossed out. Of course you’re still a boy. You’re our friend David, our brother. We love you. And we gotta stick together. Also, you are the coolest one of us, we can’t lose you, then we’d have no chance,” Carlos said. </p><p>Abdi nodded enthusiastically. “Seriously, you’re the best David, let’s face it, without you we’re just a bunch of losers.”</p><p>David laughed then, it was choked up because of his tears, but it was pure joy and relief that his friends still loved him. </p><p>“Oh, so you’re only friends with me because I’m cool?” he joked.</p><p>“Obviously,” Carlos said.</p><p>David smiled properly. “Obviously,” he agreed. </p><p>They all looked to Jonas then, to see what he had to say. If David was the cool one, then Jonas was the wise one. Carlos and Abdi often looked to him for guidance, for him to say the right thing and set out how things should be.</p><p>“David, you’ve been our friend for nearly two years now. We love you ok? You were trans the whole time you were our friend, so nothing needs to change. Unless you need it, unless there’s stuff you need from us, to make it easier. And look I don’t know much about this, outside of the concept and these guys know nothing, but we can research if you want, or you can tell us, or we can just go back to how we were,” Jonas offered.</p><p>“I… can we just pretend today never happened?” David asked. He didn’t want anything to change between them.</p><p>“If you want,” Jonas assured him.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You don’t need to keep secrets from us, you don’t need to be uncomfortable with us,” Abdi said.</p><p>David appreciated that, but it wasn’t that simple. Being seen, them all knowing this made him feel so vulnerable. That was why he’d never told them before now. </p><p>“I’m so scared you’ll see me differently,” David said.</p><p>“I promise I won’t,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Yeah, dude, come on,” Abdi agreed.</p><p>“I get it’s harder for you, you probably fixate on these things, you’ve worried about this for a long time. But you know us David, we’re not that observant. Honestly, nothing will change,” Jonas promised.</p><p>“Ok ok,” David said. </p><p>He believed him; he was so genuine; he had no choice. He trusted them too.</p><p>“So? Wanna talk about it?” Jonas offered.</p><p>And he did a little, he talked about it with Matteo and Laura all the time. But he wanted to tell them, wanted them to side with him and reassure him. He wanted more people on his side. </p><p>“Those guys, I’ve known them since primary school, since before. I came out there or… I asked to be seen correctly there and they just… they’ve seen me as a freak ever since,” David muttered.</p><p>“You’re not a freak,” Abdi insisted seriously.</p><p>“Thank you Abdi,” David said.</p><p>It was stuff like that he needed to hear, just comforting reassurances.</p><p>“Will they leave you alone now do you think? You scared them today,” Jonas said.</p><p>“Might make it worse, but I’m not scared of them,” David said. </p><p>It was true too, right now he felt invincible. They couldn’t hurt him, they were scared of him now. They knew what he could do now. And the idea of being knocked out by a trans guy might just be enough to scare them away.</p><p>“Nah you’re stronger than them, but are there more of them?” Abdi asked.</p><p>“About five in total,” David said.</p><p>The other three were equally stupid, completely ignorant. David was used to them. He wasn’t scared of them. The only reason he’d been scared today was that he was scared of being outed, now that he’d taken back control he felt much better.</p><p>“Let us meet you after school yeah? If it starts getting bad, just wait for us,” Jonas said.</p><p>“Thank you, Jonas,” David said, smiling at his friend.</p><p>“Like if it gets physical it’s pretty much down to you, boxer boy. But we’ll just be there for numbers,” Jonas said, always the pacifist. His friend may not be much of a fighter, but if he wanted too, David was sure he could do just as much damage with his words.</p><p>“I’m strong too,” Carlos argued.</p><p>“Nah you’re just big!”</p><p>“Fuck off Abdi!”</p><p>“They’ve never hit me, I don’t know why,” David said. He knew why.</p><p>“Because they think you’re a girl?” Abdi suggested, apparently thinking the same thing.</p><p>“Nice they have such moral codes,” David said darkly.</p><p>“Does Matteo know?” Carlos asked.</p><p>“Of course,” David said.</p><p>“Of course,” Jonas repeated, smirking at him.</p><p>David rolled his eyes. What did they expect? He told Matteo everything.</p><p>“Can <em>I</em> ask a question?” Abdi asked.</p><p>David tensed. He couldn’t help it, he hated questions, but he nodded. He was never good at talking about this stuff, but he understood they had to be curious.</p><p>“Ok you don’t have to answer but… you’re trans?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“But are you also gay?”</p><p>David hadn’t been expecting that one. He’d expected questions about his body, about being trans, all that awkward stuff. He supposed his sexuality could be awkward too, but it felt less so.</p><p>“I do like boys,” David said.</p><p>Abdi frowned at him, nodding slowly. David frowned back. </p><p>“Awesome,” Abdi said finally, smirking slightly. </p><p>David was confused. Why was Abdi so excited about that? And why was Carlos grinning? </p><p>“You like boys or <em>a boy</em>?” Abdi asked.</p><p>“Shut up,” David muttered, blushing now.</p><p>“Have you ever had a boyfriend?” Carlos asked.</p><p>“No,” David said. </p><p>This was going in a weird direction. Yes, he wasn’t really out with them, but they would know about it if he did. Did they really think he’d had a secret boyfriend?</p><p>“Have you ever kissed a boy?” Abdi asked eagerly.</p><p>Oh, they knew, he realised, or they were guessing. The little shits. He almost refused to answer.</p><p>“Yes,” he admitted begrudgingly. </p><p>“Was it Matteo?”</p><p>David hesitated, he didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to out Matteo either. Although they definitely already knew. Maybe they hadn’t been as subtle as he thought.</p><p>“That’s a yes,” Carlos said, when he didn’t answer.</p><p>“No,” David said, trying to backtrack.</p><p>“It’s a yes, right?” Abdi demanded.</p><p>“It’s a yes, he already told me anyway,” Jonas said, taking the heat off David.</p><p>“Fuck sakes,” David muttered. </p><p>He <em>knew</em> Jonas knew. He was always grinning at the two of them, but Carlos and Abdi, they weren’t that perceptive. Him and Matteo had been way too obvious. But then he didn’t really care, he wasn’t going to stop being affectionate with him. They were comfortable around each other and comfortable around their friends. It didn’t have to mean anything yet.</p><p>“Nice, called it. Didn’t I call it?” Carlos demanded.</p><p>“Nothing is going on,” David clarified, grinning at how disappointed they were.</p><p>“No?” Abdi asked.</p><p>“We both have too much shit to deal with right now,” David explained.</p><p>Jonas nodded sagely. “That’s fair, take it easy, no need to rush things,” he said.</p><p>“Guys I love all of you, yeah?” David said.</p><p>Jonas squeezed him and pressed a kiss to his head. “Yeah, we love you too dude. Fuck those guys, you’re more man than any any of us,” he said.</p><p>He meant it too, Jonas was the sincerest guy he knew. Yeah, he knew what David needed to hear, but he meant his words too. </p><p>“You’re the best,” David said.</p><p>He really was, all of them were, the best friends he could hope for. They were his brothers, and he loved them dearly. They had his back and always would, and he had theirs. That kind of bond was unbreakable.</p><p>He felt completely calm by the time he went to the hospital to pick up Matteo. Felt lighter and happier than he’d felt in a long time. Everything had been a bit hard lately. As Matteo approached, it seemed like he was feeling similarly. He smiled, as he stepped up to David.</p><p>“Good day?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah it was good, it was a good day,” Matteo said.</p><p>David bumped their shoulders, and they headed toward the bus stop.</p><p>“How was yours?” </p><p>“Violent,” David said cryptically.</p><p>“In what way?” Matteo asked, frowning.</p><p>“I was skateboarding with the boys, and then Caleb and Mikkel showed up,” David said.</p><p>“Oh shit, did they do anything?” Matteo asked, grabbing him and checking him over. David let him, enjoying Matteo’s concern.</p><p>“Called me girl, called me princess, all that shit, so I broke Mikkel’s nose,” David told him.</p><p>Matteo stopped his fussing and stared at him, eyes wide. “For real?”</p><p>Matteo had told him for months to fight back, he seemed surprised he’d actually done it.</p><p>David showed Matteo his hand. It was already turning purple, and it hurt pretty bad. It hadn’t hurt in the moment, or afterwards when he was upset. But now he was calmer, his whole hand was throbbing. He’d never punched anyone without gloves, it fucking hurt.</p><p>Matteo gently took a hold of his hand and ran his fingers over his knuckles carefully.</p><p>“You need ice,” he murmured, glancing around. When he saw no one was around, he lifted it to his lips and pressed the gentlest of kisses to his bruised knuckles.</p><p>David just tried not to swoon, this damn romantic boy. Instead, he grabbed him and pulled him onto the bus, pushing him into the corner and standing in front of him.</p><p>“Well done,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p>“Yeah, they weren’t going to listen to anything else. Are you ok?”</p><p>“No… but I told Jonas, and the boys,” David said.</p><p>“They were dumb?”</p><p>“So dumb, but so kind. They were all so furious, they called me their brother, they really love me,” David said.</p><p>“Of course they do, come on David, how could they not?”</p><p>David just smiled. “I felt so safe with them, I told them because I felt safe. They didn’t even push, they would’ve let it go if I’d asked, but they were just there, ready to get into a fight for me and I just trusted them.”</p><p>He sighed and shuffled closer. They stayed quiet for a while. David thinking over his day. It should’ve been awful, terrifying and traumatising. And it had been, but the sheer relief he felt right now negated all of that. He knew it wasn’t that simple; he needed to properly process what had happened, but for now he was just going to revel in it.</p><p>“Feel better?”</p><p>“Yeah, not like a huge thing but it’s nice they know. When Carlos realised exactly what Mikkel and Caleb had been saying, what they meant, he went mad. I thought he was actually going to chase them and fight them,” David said.</p><p>“Best he doesn’t,” Matteo said as they stepped off the bus.</p><p>“Oh god yeah, but it’s the fact he was so upset on my behalf,” David explained.</p><p>“Was Jonas mad? Like quietly angry?”</p><p>“Yeah when he was telling them to fuck off, but after he just looked so devastated at the world,” David said.</p><p>“He feels things like that hard,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Hello boys,” his mum said as they stepped into the house. </p><p>David tucked his hand behind his back, but she wasn’t even paying him any attention. </p><p>“Ok Matteo?” she said, checking him over.</p><p>Matteo was completely unused to this kind of treatment, it had been a long while since his mother had fussed over him. He clearly loved it though, enjoyed being taken care of again. David just watched fondly.</p><p>“I’m good thank you, I had a good day with my mum,” Matteo said. </p><p>David smiled and made to sneak upstairs, but his mum grabbed his arm.</p><p>“What are you hiding?”</p><p>“Nothing,” he muttered, trying to pull free.</p><p>“Show me,” she warned, her tone leaving no room for arguments.</p><p>He reluctantly showed her his hand, and she just sighed, tutting. She turned it over and inspected it far more roughly than Matteo had, but he didn’t mind so much.</p><p>“Fighting?”</p><p>“I punched Mikkel, the boy that gives me shit at school,” David said.</p><p>“Wait here,” she said, hurrying off into the kitchen.</p><p>“Uh oh, you’re in trouble now,” Matteo teased.</p><p>“Hush you,” David said.</p><p>She came back with an ice pack and held it to his hand. He winced, but it felt good. </p><p>“Do you need painkillers?”</p><p>“Not yet,” David said.</p><p>“Ok only keep the ice on for ten minutes at a time, there’s more in the freezer, I’m sure Matteo will fetch you some,” she said. Matteo nodded enthusiastically. “I want to check that again in a couple of hours,” she said.</p><p>“Thanks mum,” David said.</p><p>“You ok?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said quietly. </p><p>Then he burst into tears. Fuck, what was wrong with him? His mum just pulled him into her arms and held him tight, soothing him.</p><p>Suddenly it was hitting him, what had just happened to him. They’d cornered him, if the boys hadn’t been there… god. </p><p>He let his mum hold him, let her stroke his hair. He was so scared, suddenly he was so scared. He didn’t feel safe. They’d found him right by his house, and now he didn’t feel safe anymore. What the fuck was he going to do?</p><p>“You’re safe David, you’re safe I promise,” his mum insisted.</p><p>“Mum! Mum! I can’t… fuck I can’t… mum!”</p><p>“David, you’re ok, David come on, I need you to breathe,” his mum said gently.</p><p>“I can’t… I can’t… they attacked me, they found me in the park… mum I was so scared!”</p><p>His mum continued to squeeze him tight, whispering comforting words to soothe him. Then Matteo took a hold of his good hand and David closed his eyes. He took several deep gulping breaths until his heart rate slowed.</p><p>He reminded himself he was safe here. That he’d been safe today. The boys would never let anything happen to him. And he’d been able to defend himself. He was ok. The danger was real, but it was over now.</p><p>And he wasn’t scared at school either. If he thought about it properly, he did have friends there too. Nothing like what he had with Matteo and the boys, those guys were family, but he had people who liked him. People who defended him. Hell, two weeks before the end of term Mikkel had been on his usual bullshit and Daniel, who sat with him in Maths, had told him to shut the fuck up. Told him to learn a little tolerance for other people, that no one wanted to hear his bullshit anymore. And when he’d tried to argue half the class had agreed with Daniel, told Mikkel to shut up, that he wasn’t funny.</p><p>Yeah it wasn’t ideal, but it was progress. They were all growing up David realised. He was pretty well liked by his peers and his teachers now; it was just harder to see because outside of school he had such strong fierce friendships that it wasn’t comparable. But school had become more bearable over the years and he needed to accept he did have friends there, people who had his back.</p><p>“I’m going to call the police,” his mum said.</p><p>“No mum,” David said, trying to calm down quicker before his mum caused a fuss. Now he was safe again, he knew he was ok. This was just delayed processing of what happened to him earlier, the fear hitting him now that all the adrenaline had faded.</p><p>“David, you said they attacked you,” his mum said.</p><p>“I mean yeah… but I fought back… and I broke Mikkel’s nose, I don’t wanna be arrested,” he said.</p><p>He just knew the police would take one look at him, and one look at Mikkel’s bruised and battered face, then cart him straight off to jail. They’d label him the thug, the violent one.</p><p>She nodded, understanding how unfair the world was. </p><p>“I’m ok mum,” he said.</p><p>“I know you are David, it just hit you hard, that’s all,” she said, still stroking his hair. He snuggled against her.</p><p>“I was scared,” he admitted.</p><p>“Of course you were,” she said, pressing a kiss to his temple. </p><p>“But you were ok David,” Matteo said, “you can take all of them,” he insisted.</p><p>Both boys looked to his mum. She smiled at him. </p><p>“It’s sad, but sometimes that’s the only way you can get through to idiots like that. I’m not saying go beat them up, but if they try anything, you fight back ok? And don’t pull your punches, you fight them like you’re in one of your boxing matches, you take them down, you get out of there, and then you come get me and I’ll break their little fucking necks,” his mum said, so fiercely that David stared at her in wonder. He didn’t doubt she’d win, she could be terrifying when she wanted to be.</p><p>Matteo giggled and bit his lip, delighted that she’d cursed.</p><p>“Well done today David, I’m proud of you,” she said gently.</p><p>He just smiled at her, how different things were between them. This was how it was supposed to be. It had taken them some time, but they were getting there. She had his back, and he was pretty sure she always would. Those assholes didn’t matter, because she loved him, Matteo loved him, the boys loved him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next:</p><p>Marco has a proposition for him, Laura is back and David's future is starting to look pretty perfect.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Looking back David knew if he met himself from four years ago, he probably wouldn't recognise the scared little boy he once was. He was growing up, growing into a strong and confident young man. And it was all thanks to Marco and his boxing group. He'd found a safe space where he could be himself, he could be seen exactly as he was supposed to be and for that he would always be grateful. Years later he would look back at the first day he stepped into that community centre as the day that changed his life.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David’s mum had forbidden him from going boxing until his hand had healed properly. </p><p>David had ignored her and snuck out anyway. He’d told her he was going with Matteo to see his mum. Matteo had not been happy about being involved in his lies, had grumbled the whole way to the hospital. David had reasoned that technically it was true, he had gone with him to the hospital he just hadn’t stayed. </p><p>It didn’t matter anyway, Marco caught him before he could even get started. How he did it David had no idea, but he always knew what was going on with all of them. He marched up to David, dragged him to one side and held up his bruised knuckles, silently waiting for an explanation. David got why people were nervous around Marco, he was certainly intense sometimes. </p><p>David wasn’t scared of him though, he trusted Marco completely. He knew he wasn’t mad, just concerned that David had been fighting.</p><p>“I punched a transphobe in the face,” David told him, grinning to himself at the memory of Mikkel’s crumpled face.</p><p>“Good for you,” Marco said, not even blinking at the revelation, “you knock him out?”</p><p>“No, but I feel like I barely touched him and he just collapsed like a sack of potatoes. He was terrified too. I was angry, I lashed out because I was angry, but I didn’t think he would go down like that,” David told him.</p><p>Marco nodded thoughtfully. “All talk then, never been in a fight if he can’t take a punch,” he said.</p><p>David agreed with that, he hadn’t hit Mikkel nearly as hard as he did his sparring partners and they held their ground easily. David had to try a lot harder to knock them down.</p><p>“He tried to out me to my friends,” David told him. “He tried to tell them about me.”</p><p>“Ah shit,” Marco muttered, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah. But it was ok, they stood by my side, shut it down, weren’t having it, they wouldn’t listen. And then… then I told them. I still got to tell them on my own terms. Because after we scared Mikkel and Caleb off, all they wanted to know was that I was ok. They didn’t make me tell them, but I wanted to. And they were so good Marco, they were so angry for me and they still want to be my friends and I love them so much,” David said.</p><p>Marco placed his hand on David’s chin and lifted his face so that he could look at him. He looked at him for a long time then nodded.</p><p>“I am so fucking proud of you David,” he said, “so damn proud, look at you, fifteen and already so damn amazing.” He cuffed him on the chin and David stared down at his feet so he didn’t get too emotional.</p><p>“Thank you,” he whispered.</p><p>“Come on, come here,” Marco said, taking David into the bathroom and running his hand under cool water. </p><p>His mum had kept an eye on it, deemed it just badly bruised not broken, but damn did it hurt. Marco grabbed some boxing tape and wrapped it up tight enough to dull the pain but not tight enough to be painful.</p><p>“Wriggle your fingers,” he said.</p><p>David did.</p><p>“Perfect, you need to rest this, you know? You punched correctly, the hand is fine, just badly bruised, and you’re probably not used to that. But I want you to rest it till next week, these are prized hands, you gotta take care of them,” Marco said.</p><p>“I usually have such self control,” David admitted.</p><p>“I know you do, I’m not judging you, you could’ve done way worse to this kid. Let’s face it, you only punched him. But I just gotta protect my assets, so you’re done for today. How do you feel about competing? Properly, a real match, not just sparring,” Marco said.</p><p>“What? I can’t, can I?”</p><p>He just stared at Marco, disbelieving. How could he compete? But he wanted to, he remembered football and the feeling when he won games. There was nothing like it, and he wished so badly that he could.</p><p>“You can,” Marco said gently. “Yeah it’s not an official competition. It’s for an LGBTQ charity boxing match, and you will fight correctly for your weight, male category I promise. Frankie is on this committee thing, LGBTQ youth in sports. Anyway, he forced me to join, even though he knows all this social shit is not my thing. But I’ve been arranging this charity boxing match. It’s a massive fucking headache I tell you, but I just thought what it the point of all of this if I can’t put my best boxer forward? And you’re one of these youths aren’t you?”</p><p>David just blushed and ducked his head. “I’m your best boxer?”</p><p>“Yes David,” Marco said patiently. </p><p>“But I’m not on T yet,” David said.</p><p>“Kid, I’ve seen the other guys, you’re gonna win,” Marco said.</p><p>“Have you told them about me?”</p><p>“I have but not by name, so if you don’t want to be out, it’s fine we’ll work around it. I was bragging about you, and Frankie was talking about how he wanted more trans rep in these things and I thought of you. The only reason I didn’t put you forward was because you’re a little younger than the others,” Marco explained.</p><p>“I kinda wanna though, fight as me, you know?” David said.</p><p>“I think you should, I think you’d be fucking amazing,” Marco said.</p><p>“And the other boys? They don’t mind fighting with me?” David checked. </p><p>It was all well and good wanting to fight them, but they might not want to fight him. He didn’t know if he could handle that. That would hurt as bad as not being allowed to compete.</p><p>“No, it’s not like that. I’ve told them I’ve got an amazing fifteen-year-old, who I want to put forward to fight for trans youth, only one has refused, too scared, but the rest are excited,” Marco said.</p><p>“For real too scared, or is that an excuse?” David asked.</p><p>“No, I promise he’s scared. He’s a final year high school student, said he can’t be knocked out by a kid, he can’t deal with the shame,” Marco said, laughing to himself.</p><p>“Brilliant I love that,” David said, older kids were so funny. But really when he thought about it he would probably be the same. It would be absolutely mortifying to be beaten by a twelve-year-old.</p><p>“So will you do it?” Marco asked.</p><p>“Yes please, I’d really love to, I’m gonna win Marco,” David said.</p><p>“Good man, I have no doubt you’ll make me proud,” Marco said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll sign you up.”</p><p>“Er… do I need my parents to say it’s ok?” David checked, he thought they might say yes but it would be hard work to convince his mum. She was happy for him to box, proud of him almost, but she wouldn’t be keen on him going up against older boys.</p><p>“Afraid so, you’re only fifteen kiddo,” Marco said.</p><p>“My dad’ll probably sign it,” David said. It was probably best they just didn’t mention it to his mum until afterwards. She’d only worry.</p><p>“That’s fine, you’ll only need one,” Marco said, grinning. He clearly agreed with this plan.</p><p>“Am I not allowed to box today, then?” David asked.</p><p>“Rest this hand David, you’ll only do damage otherwise. Keep it strapped up during the day, take this off at night and keep icing it. You don’t want any swelling ok?”</p><p>“Ok,” David said, trying not to sound ungrateful.</p><p>“It won’t kill you to take a week off, David,” Marco said. </p><p>“Fine,” David said, sighing heavily.</p><p>He knew Marco was right though, if he wanted to fight in this competition he needed to rest his hand.</p><p>“Now I don’t condone violence on civilians-”</p><p>“Civilians?” David scoffed.</p><p>“Fine people outside of this club then, but assholes like that? Transphobes and bullies? They only understand one thing, sometimes no amount of arguing, fighting peacefully is enough, sometimes you’ve just gotta punch them in the face,” Marco said.</p><p>David knew Marco had punched many a bigot in the face. He didn’t brag about it, but Frankie had told him. No one even dared look at him funny in high school because they were all scared of Marco. </p><p>David wasn’t scared of Marco at all, knew he never would be. Marco was one of the kindest, gentlest men he’d ever met. But he also knew that Marco didn’t take shit, he didn’t give his kindness freely; it had to be earned. He wouldn’t stand for any cruelty to others, would always jump in to defend those who couldn’t defend themselves. He used his size and intimidating look to help and protect others. That made him the best person in David’s eyes.</p><p>“Go have fun,” Marco said, giving him a gentle shove toward the door.</p><p>David just grinned to himself as he left. Simon caught him at the door.</p><p>“Where are you off to little man?” he asked.</p><p>David just showed him his hand. “Can’t practice today, it’s too bruised,” he said.</p><p>“You been fighting little man?” Simon asked, looking concerned.</p><p>Simon came to the group because he had anger issues. And his anger issues came from his difficult home life. Simon was one of the most open people he knew, but he never talked about home. But what he did tell David was that boxing stopped him getting into fights, stopped him kicking off at school and getting himself into trouble. </p><p>So he was probably worried as to why David was showing up with bruised knuckles. </p><p>David remembered last year Simon coming into group with a black eye and a busted lip. But he’d also had bruised knuckles. He remembered Simon being full of rage that day and Marco forbidding anyone from going near him, no one was allowed to spar with him.</p><p>Simon went off on Marco for that and he just took it, let Simon lash out and pour his anger into his punches until he broke down in Marco’s arms. All David knew was that Simon’s dad had gone off on him and that led to Simon going and picking a fight with bigger kids. David didn’t understand it, but he didn’t think he was supposed to. Marco understood it, and David knew he was the one who would take care of Simon and keep him safe. </p><p>Still, he didn’t want Simon to worry about him, this was nothing like that.</p><p>“I uh… I wasn’t fighting, but I did punch a transphobe in the face,” David said.</p><p>“Oh yeah? Nice,” Simon said.</p><p>David stared down at his feet resolutely. “They er… they bully me, at school and I just… I was with my friends and they kept calling me a girl and I punched him in the face,” he mumbled.</p><p>Simon was probably half a foot taller than him, so he had to crouch down to force David to look at him. “Did it feel good?”</p><p>“Yeah… I don’t… I don’t want to go around fighting, but I’m just done with it,” David said.</p><p>“It’s different,” Simon said, “you’re right, you’re not acting out or picking fights, you’re far more sensible than me. But you don’t need to hear that shit, David, you deserve to be treated with fucking respect. And if it takes a little violence for these bullies to see you as the young man you are so be it,” he said.</p><p>David stood up tall at that and Simon straightened up, grinning down at him.</p><p>He held out his fist, then switched to his left and David bumped it.</p><p>“I am er… I am trans, that’s why they pick on me,” David said, unsure if that had been clear to Simon.</p><p>“You’re more of a man than they’ll ever be, David,” Simon said gently.</p><p>David beamed at him.</p><p>“Go have fun, laze about, enjoy your afternoon off,” Simon said, shooing him away.</p><p>David practically skipped out of the room. He didn’t want to go home, and Matteo wouldn’t be done with his mum yet so he headed to Laura’s, it was only a quick bus ride away.</p><p>He loved Laura’s apartment. From the outside it looked like a wreck, almost like an abandoned building, the whole street did. David had been shocked his mum was letting her live here, to be honest he was pretty surprised his mum had let her move into the city at all. But then as bossy and overbearing as his mum could be, it never really worked on Laura. And their mum knew that, knew she had to let her do her own thing. </p><p>She’d cried for a week after Laura had left though. In the end, their dad had to call Laura back to come and console their mum. She was ok; it took her awhile, but she got used to it. Laura came over a lot, and they seemed a lot closer now than before.</p><p>So as rundown as the apartment seemed on the outside, inside was the opposite. It was absolutely beautiful. Clean, decorated nicely, cosy and comfortable. David came over as often as possible. </p><p>David skipped up the stairs and rapped on the door.</p><p>Laura opened it a moment later and beamed when she saw him.</p><p>“David, hello!”</p><p>She immediately pulled him into a warm hug. David hugged her back tightly, wrapping her up in his arms. He’d been taller than her for years, but he was quite a bit bigger than her now. They both loved it. It was how it was supposed to be.</p><p>“Hey, I missed you,” he said, squeezing her tight.</p><p>“Missed you too, David, come in, come in,” she said.</p><p>David followed her into the kitchen and sat down at the table, smiling as she pottered around, gratefully accepting the tea she placed in front of him.</p><p>“Been fighting?” she asked, nodding to his hand.</p><p>“Yeah, I punched Mikkel in the face,” he said.</p><p>“What?” she asked, shocked.</p><p>“He tried to out me to the other boys, to Jonas, Carlos and Abdi,” he told her.</p><p>“Oh shit,” she whispered.</p><p>“Yeah, but Laura they were so good,” David said.</p><p>She smiled then. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah Laura, I was so scared, I thought they would leave. Mikkel was there, calling me a girl, and I was so scared they would leave me, but they didn’t. They wouldn’t listen. Jonas shot them down every time, called me his brother, told them to get lost. Then I told them, I told them on my own terms, and they said they loved me as I was,” David said.</p><p>“That’s wonderful, David,” Laura said.</p><p>“It’s so wonderful Laura, I’m so happy. Remember when I had no friends? I was so angry and lonely, but I can barely remember it,” he told her.</p><p>“That’s a good thing, that these good times overshadow the tough ones. I know it’s not all perfect and you’re not going to be magically happy all the time. There will still be tough times but you just hold on to all these good feelings ok?”</p><p>“I will,” he said. “Oh but, I’m going to be in a boxing competition in a few weeks. Marco is putting me up against high schoolers for an LGBTQ charity match,” he told her.</p><p>“Yeah? Wow, that’s so cool, David,” she said.</p><p>“Will you come watch?”</p><p>“Of course,” she said.</p><p>“Laura?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Thank you so much for taking me to group back then. Everything changed that year and it’s all thanks to you taking me to boxing and I’m so damn grateful for you,” he said.</p><p>He’d thought about it a lot over the years, how quickly things changed for him since that day. And a big part of it was that he was no longer lonely thanks to Matteo. But Marco and Simon and all the other boys helped too. It was wonderful to have them; it kept him going when he felt low. It gave him somewhere to let out his frustrations and also taught him how to be confident around other boys instead of scared. It was the first place he’d been able to completely be himself.</p><p>“Everything changed because you started boxing?”</p><p>David shrugged. Yes and no. He knew the real answer. He knew exactly what she was hinting at.</p><p>“Everything changed because I met Matteo, if I hadn’t met him him, I wouldn’t have stayed, he convinced me to take a chance with Marco, trust him you know? But if you hadn’t taken me back then, I would never have met him and I don’t even want to think about that option, I can’t bear to think about it,” he said.</p><p>“How is Matteo?” she asked.</p><p>“Awful, everything is awful for him right now, he’s drowning in it and all I can do is be there for him. He’s so sad Laura, and I just want to take away all his pain, but I can’t,” David said. </p><p>He never knew he could feel so strongly before, it actually hurt him, seeing how much pain Matteo was in. It was devastating. He would give anything to take away his sadness, but he knew he couldn’t. He also knew Matteo didn’t need him to, he was strong enough to heal by himself. David would be there every step of the way.</p><p>“You love him don’t you?” Laura asked.</p><p>“I do,” David said. It wasn’t anything new, he knew how he felt, had known for a while. It wasn’t surprising or scary, it was the truest thing he knew.</p><p>“You have for a long time I think, but it’s different now,” Laura said.</p><p>He knew what she meant there. He’d loved Matteo when they were kids, loved him fiercely as his best friend, the most important person in his life. That feeling was still there just as strong, but there was more to it now. He loved Matteo like Marco loved Frankie, wanted to be with him like that, wanted to hold his hand, kiss him, love him. And what’s more he knew this feeling was going to continue to change, grow even stronger, surer.</p><p>“Yeah, Laura he’s everything to me, he’s it, you know?”</p><p>Maybe he was too young to feel like this, but what did that matter? He wasn’t just thinking about right now; he was thinking about the future too. </p><p>“That’s beautiful, David,” she said. “Love’s not enough though, you know? You can’t take away his pain, that’s not how it works. But just knowing he has you must be such a great relief for him. You are so important to him, I see it in the way he looks at you, you’re everything to him too.”</p><p>David nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered.</p><p>“Just take your time, the two of you, you have all the time in the world. His life is very hard right now, but he will get through it, with you by his side. And you have a lot of stuff coming, and it might get harder before it gets easier, but you’ll be ready, one day, and soon.”</p><p>David smiled at her.</p><p>“So I’ve been thinking, you should move in with me,” she said.</p><p>David almost knocked over his cup. “What?”</p><p>“No rush, but maybe next year? For your abi?”</p><p>David just stared, he couldn’t even process it. That meant...</p><p>“But then… I could go to Barnim?”</p><p>“Exactly. It’d still be a long bus ride, but it’s reasonable. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I’m in London on placement for six months, but when I’m back you should move in. You should ask mum, work on her, she’d probably let you if you promised to visit often. But she’ll see this is the best option, you should get to go to school with your friends, you should have fun in these last few years of high school,” she said.</p><p>David sniffled, he couldn’t quite believe it. He never thought he’d get to enjoy school. He knew he couldn’t go this year, but to go to school with Matteo, with Jonas, that would mean everything. He could even make other friends. No one would know him. And he didn’t know for certain but surely everyone at Barnim loved Matteo, by extension surely they’d like him too.</p><p>“Oh Laura, I’d love that,” David whispered.</p><p>“Yeah? One more year then? You can do it?”</p><p>He nodded. “Yeah and Laura I start T in just a few months. Oh Laura by the time I started there... oh Laura I could be me there,” he said, realising just what she was offering him here.</p><p>“Yeah that’s exactly what I was thinking,” she said, reaching out and rubbing the tears from his face.</p><p>“Thank you so much,” he said, grabbing her hands.</p><p>“I love you, David, so much. You deserve a safe high school experience, but don’t start slacking just because you have friends,” she warned.</p><p>David rolled his eyes. “I won’t Laura, I’m a good student,” he insisted.</p><p>“Mmm, but so easily led,” she teased.</p><p>“Am not,” David muttered.</p><p>“If Matteo ditched would you ditch?” Laura asked him.</p><p>“No,” he said quietly. He knew it didn’t sound believable, but that was completely different, he would ditch school for Matteo regardless of whether or not they were at the same school.</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“Look Laura I don’t expect you to understand, but also Matteo is a total nerd, he’s not ditching, he makes me do homework and stuff. I’ll be a model student,” he said.</p><p>She just ruffled his hair. “Have fun, find a balance,” she said.</p><p>“Oh, I’m so excited, everything is finally starting to go the way I want,” he said.</p><p>“I can remember talking about it all when you first came out to me. Four years seemed like forever and I get that, but you made it. I knew you would, but you were so scared and I never thought you’d make it through like this. I was so worried about how hard it was going to be for you. I was so worried about the effect that was going to have on you. But look at you, you’re still just the kid you’re supposed to be. You’re just a dumb boy with your dumb friends and it’s beautiful.”</p><p>“Fuck off Laura! I’m not dumb!”</p><p>“But also now you’re what, three months off sixteen? Your appointment with the endo is all booked, everything is in place for you to start this next part of your journey and it’s going to be wonderful. My baby brother, all grown up,” she said fondly.</p><p>“I can’t wait. It’s all, it’s been hard, yes, but I’ve been so happy. I never thought I would get to do this and be happy. I know I’ve had a tough time but... I don’t think I would change anything, do you know what I mean?”</p><p>“Aside from your gender and the school bullshit?”</p><p>“Yeah, I mean… yeah obviously if I could’ve been born correctly then that would’ve been easier but… Laura I like who I am, I like my life and my friends and I wouldn’t trade that. And sometimes I wonder… if things had been different, then would I be me? I might’ve been just as shitty as Mikkel or Caleb.”</p><p>“Or you could’ve been just as kind as Jonas or Matteo,” Laura countered. “You’re a good man, you would’ve always been a good man, I wouldn’t have let you grow up any differently.”</p><p>“Yeah, but… I don’t even know what I’m trying to say,” David mumbled.</p><p>“Try anyway?”</p><p>“It’s like this. Because I’m trans, I know the friends I’ve made, who love me exactly as I am, they are true friends you know? Like I shouldn’t have to go through this, it’s true, but it makes me strong you know, and…”</p><p>“Kind, it makes you kind and patient. But that is who you are. You could’ve become angry and cold, with everything you went through, but you’re so strong. You’ve always been so strong, you’re growing into such a wonderful young man, I’m so proud of you David. And you’re right, you have surrounded yourself with the best people, and that can be hard to do, so perhaps it wouldn’t have turned out this way. But you would have always had me,” she said.</p><p>“God, I love you Laura, I wouldn’t have made it without you. I wouldn’t be who I am today, you got me from the start, you loved me exactly as I am, you stood by my side through all the shit with mum and dad, and I’ll love you for that always,” David said.</p><p>She just wrapped an arm around him and kissed his cheek. There were no words needed right now. Everything was as it was supposed to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>next time:</p><p>running away, abandoned buildings and train stations, talking about the future, and a proper kiss (finally!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Matteo said this wasn't a date. It was a date. How could David think it was anything else? He'd brought him to an abandoned underground station for goodness sakes. They'd snuck in past boarded up doors, wandered down long abandoned tunnels and now they were standing on a station concourse, surrounded by relics of the past. There was no one else here. No one knew they were down here. It felt like they were the last two boys on earth. The perfect scenario for a date, so David was taking it as such.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Sorry I’m so miserable all the time,” Matteo said quietly as they walked along.</p><p>David sighed and looked over at him. He was in a sorry state. His head down, dragging his feet, looking pretty much like he’d rather be anywhere else. They were supposed to be heading to the hospital to visit Matteo’s mum. David wasn’t sure Matteo was up to it. He was accompanying him and staying this time. He didn’t always, but Matteo had asked him to. Today seemed a particularly heavy day for him. David just bumped their shoulders.</p><p>“You’re allowed to be miserable, you’re going through a tough time,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just looked up at the sky, as if he had to look anywhere but at David, in case he saw just how bad it really was. But David already knew, he didn’t need to see Matteo’s face to know just how bad it was.</p><p>“I’m so sad, David, so fucking sad,” he said.</p><p>David stopped then, he wrapped his arms around him and held him close.</p><p>“You’ll be ok,” he said.</p><p>“I don’t think so, mama is getting better, so I should too, right?” Matteo asked.</p><p>He had a point, Sophie was doing pretty well. The past few times they’d been to see her she’d been a little withdrawn, but she’d been calm, and so, so happy to see Matteo. He thought this might just be Matteo’s own shit now, related to his mum’s, but so much more.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s how it works, Matteo. You will be ok, but I think it might take more time. I just wish I could make it easier for you,” David said.</p><p>“You do, just being with you helps me so much. I don’t know if you even understand how much you help me. Even when everything is falling apart around me, just knowing you’re there means I know it will be ok. I know that I won’t be alone, that I can make it though and you’ll be there with me throughout,” he said.</p><p>“Always Matteo, you’ll never be alone, never,” David promised.</p><p>Matteo just sighed and leant against him.</p><p>“Do you think… do you think maybe we should skip seeing your mum today?” David suggested.</p><p>Matteo pulled away at that, horrified. “What? No David,” he said.</p><p>“Hear me out… ok I know you love her and I know you want to be there for her. But at the same time, I think seeing her in the hospital is too much for you. It’s taking a lot from you, seeing her like that and… you can take a break you know?”</p><p>“I can’t,” Matteo said, trying to pull away. David didn’t let go of him, just held him tight. </p><p>“You can. Take a day, let’s just… let’s just fuck off somewhere. We won’t forget about her, but let’s just not think about all this for a while,” he said.</p><p>Matteo shook his head sadly. “I can’t David,” he said.</p><p>“Let me try? Let me distract you a while,” David said.</p><p>Matteo looked at him for a long time. David knew this was the right thing, knew Matteo needed this. If Matteo really wanted to go to the hospital David wouldn’t stop him. But he didn’t think he did want to.</p><p>“Ok,” he said, pulling his hands free and rubbing his face harshly.</p><p>David stayed close to him. “Ok?”</p><p>“Yeah, I… I can’t… David, I hate it in there,” Matteo said. “I’m so scared that one day that will be me,” he admitted finally.</p><p>David had suspected as much, knew Matteo feared his struggles were going to become similar to his mother’s. There was probably nothing he could do to prevent that, if it did happen. But no matter how it turned out David would be there for him.</p><p>“If… I don’t know how all this works, mental health stuff. I think we should look into it properly, get you help. But if you were ever in the hospital like that, I’d be by your side. I wouldn’t leave, I’d fight the nurses, they’d all hate me. I’d sneak back in after hours. In the end you’d probably get kicked out because of me,” David said,</p><p>Matteo laughed then, the sad thing was he looked surprised by it, that he was still able to laugh.</p><p>“Let me take you somewhere,” David said.</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>“Dunno yet, let’s just… let’s run away, come on,” David said, taking his hand and pulling Matteo to a random bus stop, just as a bus was pulling up.</p><p>He always wanted to do stuff like this, get on a bus and end up wherever it took them. He wanted to get lost somewhere in the city, where no one knew them, where they could forget about their worries for a while.</p><p>“David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Trust me?” David said.</p><p>Matteo stared at him for a moment then nodded and allowed David to pull him onto the bus. They moved to the middle and stood to one side.</p><p>“Where’s it going?” Matteo asked, craning to see the display. David stopped him, turned his face to look at him instead.</p><p>The whole point of this was not knowing where they were going.</p><p>“No idea, let’s just ride to the end and see where it takes us,” he said.</p><p>“God, we’re gonna end up in fucking Frankfurt or somewhere,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“It’s a city bus dumbass, the furthest it will take us is the airport or something,” David said.</p><p>“Oh, yay! What a wonderful trip thank you so much for taking me to the airport,” Matteo said, rolling his eyes.</p><p>David stepped on his feet. “We aren’t going to the airport, dummy,” he said.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes again and leant against him. David just ran his hand through his hair. “Tired?” he asked gently.</p><p>“No,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>David frowned, that didn’t seem right. “You haven’t been sleeping well,” he reminded him.</p><p>“I know, I’m kinda exhausted and not exhausted at all,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Makes sense, you’ve gone beyond tired I suppose,” David said, he glanced out of the window and watched them head further and further out of the city. He smiled as he figured out where they should go and kept his eye out for a suitable place.</p><p>“Do you think it will ever be ok again?” Matteo asked him.</p><p>“I know it will,” David promised.</p><p>“You can’t know that,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I can,” David insisted.</p><p>Matteo gave him a pointed look, but David just stared him down. He wasn’t going to give in; he was right, and he knew it. </p><p>“How can you know?” Matteo asked him.</p><p>“It has to be,” David said, glancing out of the window again. He noticed that they were approaching a housing estate that hadn’t been completed yet. That was ideal for what he wanted.</p><p>“That’s stupid,” Matteo said.</p><p>David shook his head. “You said it though, you say it to me all the time whenever I’m struggling,” he reminded him.</p><p>“Well, maybe I’m wrong,” Matteo murmured, but he looked doubtful. He wanted to be right for David, wanted David to be ok. Why couldn’t he want it for himself?</p><p>“But you never are. You’re always right, I’m always ok. It always passes and I’m always good again, so you know… just accept it. This will pass. Like you say, your mum is getting better. Now it’s just for you to get better, you need to rest, take time off from worrying about her and have a bit of fun,” David said.</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“And not feel guilty while doing so. You know, just like I do that the most important thing to your mum is for you to be ok. That’s what she cares about. So come on Matteo let’s have fun ok?”</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>David smiled at Matteo, a little madly, until he smiled back. It wasn’t huge, but it was something.</p><p>“Ok come on, bus is stopping,” David said, grabbing his hand and pulling him off the bus.</p><p>When they were on the street Matteo attempted to pull his hand back, but David didn’t let go. There was no one around, this place was long abandoned. Matteo needed the comfort, so David pulled him close. Matteo sighed and leant into him. </p><p>“Great, so where are we then? Are we even in the city anymore?” he asked, smirking. He knew David didn’t have a plan, and he found it very amusing. </p><p>“Er…” David looked around. They’d gotten off the bus before the end of the line, but only just. </p><p>“Just where I wanted to be David, suburbia,” Matteo said dryly.</p><p>David just smiled, sarcasm was a good sign when it came to Matteo’s mood. Grumpiness and sarcasm were normal. Quiet was ok too, but when he stopped talking, when he got too weary to talk or argue then that was when he needed help.</p><p>“Oh hush you c’mon, let’s look in there,” David said, pulling Matteo into the housing development. It was similar to the one near his own house, the one with the overgrown play park. This one looked closer to complete but was still clearly abandoned. His dad explained that these were all over the city. Something to do with mortgages and financial crashes. David didn’t really get it. He was just happy to make them his playground.</p><p>The windows of the houses were boarded up, and each lot had a keep out sign. Half the houses didn’t yet have roofs. David kinda wished he’d brought his spray paints with him. He did at least have markers in his bag. He could still leave his mark here. Even though Matteo would disapprove, called him a hoodlum whenever he went out tagging buildings. Yet he still tagged along.</p><p>David spotted a sturdy looking building, almost complete. That would be perfect. He pried the boards off the door and dragged Matteo inside. They headed straight into what should have been the kitchen and laid down on the dusty tile floor. </p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“What for?” David asked, turning to look at him. They were laying side by side, Matteo was staring up at the ceiling. Sometimes he got overwhelmed and couldn’t look at David when he spoke to him. David didn’t push him, just watched him fondly. He was used to this, he quite liked watching him when he was like this.</p><p>“Just… just being you,” Matteo murmured.</p><p>“Being me and bringing you out to an old abandoned house?” David asked, grinning.</p><p>“Yeah for that, it just helps being somewhere else, somewhere where I don’t have to think about all the stuff that’s happening, somewhere removed from it all you know?” Matteo said.</p><p>David shuffled closer, as much as he didn’t want to push he did wish Matteo would look at him now. He reached out and traced a finger over his face.</p><p>“It’s not bad here,” David said.</p><p>“It stinks of damp,” Matteo said, smiling and finally looking at him.</p><p>David rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah it’s abandoned Matteo, don’t be fussy. Don’t worry when we have our own place it will be clean and well kept,” he said.</p><p>Matteo turned onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow, leaning over him. David couldn’t have that, so he mirrored his position.</p><p>“Why because you’ll make me clean it?” Matteo asked.</p><p>David chuckled.</p><p>“I’ll help you,” he offered.</p><p>“Generous,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Or you can cook and I’ll clean, that’s fair, right?”</p><p>“David, I’ve seen your room,” Matteo said, smirking.</p><p>David pushed him back down and leant over him, placing his hand on his chest.</p><p>“Fuck off Matteo it’s tidy,” he said.</p><p>Matteo just grinned up at him, not complaining at being held down.</p><p>“Because your mum nags you to do it. I keep my room clean because I’m good,” he said smugly.</p><p>“Goody two shoes you,” David said.</p><p>Matteo didn’t seem offended by that, it was just the truth.</p><p>“How about I do the garden then and fix things around the house?”</p><p>“You can’t fix things you get angry too quickly, you’d end up breaking stuff worse,” Matteo said, batting his hand away and sitting up.</p><p>“Enough of you Matteo, or I won’t even let you live in this house,” David warned.</p><p>“This nonexistent house?” </p><p>“Don’t you like it though? Thinking about the future?”</p><p>David loved to, he had so many hopes and dreams, so many plans too. And he knew it was real, knew he could have it. The future was within reach and it was going to be fantastic.</p><p>“I don’t think I have a future, David,” Matteo said quietly, looking away again.</p><p>David reached out and turned his face toward him again. He leant up on his knees and waited for Matteo to look at him. It took a few moments, but he did.</p><p>“You do,” he said gently, not letting go of Matteo’s face. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, I know right now it feels like your drowning in all of this but I’ve got you ok? I know how you feel. I felt like the future was completely out of reach, I felt like I’d never get to be me. I had my parents against me. Kids and teachers who didn’t get me. When I met you I had four years until I was sixteen and it felt like forever. I honestly didn’t think I would make it. And also even if I did, what then? I would finally get to be me, but I would be alone, right? And what cost was that four years of hell going to be? If I did make it to sixteen what fucking state would I be in?”</p><p>Matteo grabbed his hand and held it tight. He leant his forehead against David’s.</p><p>“But you did,” he said softly.</p><p>“I did, but it was hard. It was really hard, and I’m so grateful to Laura and to you for being there for me. But also look how much has changed, look at my relationship with my parents, I could never have dreamed it would be like this now. So things can change and they will. But what I’m saying is, I promise you will make it through this, and you will be whole and unbroken and I’ll be there with you ok? You have me, you have my mum and dad and Laura, you have the boys, and you do have your mum, you do have a future ok? Please talk to me when you feel like you don’t and I’ll remind you ok?” David said.</p><p>“Ok, sorry,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“Don’t be sorry. This is how you feel, it’s scary but it’s real and I don’t want you to feel like this, but you don’t need to be sorry for it,” David said.</p><p>Matteo pulled back and stared at him for a while.</p><p>“Why do you like places like this?” he asked him.</p><p>“Houses?” David asked cheekily.</p><p>“Abandoned houses,” Matteo clarified.</p><p>“Well, if we sneak into the nice houses we’ll be breaking and entering, Matteo,” David said.</p><p>“Pretty sure we’re trespassing right now,” Matteo said.</p><p>He always had to have the last word did Matteo. Still, David was just glad that he had his cheek back.</p><p>“Oh who cares, it’s fun right?” David said.</p><p>“I guess,” Matteo said reluctantly.</p><p>“I like it, I find it beautiful, don’t you? Like just imagining what this place could’ve become, so warm and bright, a little family all cosy, can’t you imagine it?”</p><p>Matteo just stared at him. “I like the way you see the world,” he said fondly.</p><p>“I love the way <em>you</em> see the world, Matteo,” David said.</p><p>Matteo scoffed. “What?”</p><p>“Not right now, right now everything’s a bit dark. But usually all those times I had a go at you for being too upbeat, too positive, too naïve, even. I actually loved it, I really do love that immense hopefulness you usually have,” David said.</p><p>Despite the fact he used to constantly try to give Matteo a reality check, he’d always found Matteo’s attitude amazing. It kept him going through his own dark times.</p><p>Matteo smiled at him. “Can I get it back?”</p><p>“I think so, I’ll help you,” David said.</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said.</p><p>David pulled him back down to the floor, and they laid there together for a while, just quiet. That’s what Matteo needed, time away to regroup, and for that what he needed was quiet. Quiet and company, which David was always willing to provide.</p><p>They stayed there in that abandoned house until it was dark, and they had to go. David was very much willing to stay over, but Matteo wasn’t having it. They’d had fun though. They didn’t stay laying down the whole time. </p><p>After about an hour of peaceful quiet time, David gently convinced Matteo to get up and follow him around the house. He patiently humoured David, while he inspected every room.</p><p>In the living room David took out his markers, ignoring the disapproving look Matteo gave him. He sketched out a quick doodle of him and Matteo snuggled up on the sofa together. On the bathroom tiles it was the two of them brushing their teeth together in the mirror. In the big bedroom it was the two of them cuddled up in bed. And in the kitchen it was a little cartoon David watching cartoon Matteo cook. </p><p>At one point Matteo took a green marker and wandered off with it. When he came back David asked him, but all he would say was it was a wish and David couldn’t see it. David had just smiled at him, Matteo deserved all his wishes to come true.</p><p>Their little adventure into suburbia had clearly had a good effect on Matteo, the very next day he woke David far too early in the morning, insisting they go out. </p><p>David was very confused at being woken up so early. He didn’t even open his eyes, instead he just sent Matteo to go get him some breakfast. He knew it was rude, but he tended to be grumpy in the mornings. Surprisingly enough Matteo complied, he just pottered off and David rolled over and went back to sleep.</p><p>David had no idea how long Matteo was gone, but it felt like seconds before he was being woken again.</p><p>“David,” Matteo said gently, a hand on his shoulder, turning him over.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Wake up please, I want to go out,” Matteo said.</p><p>David groaned and stretched and then sat up, smiling at Matteo. “To see your mum?” he asked. He took the plate of toast Matteo offered him.</p><p>David made sure Matteo took a slice and then started to eat. He was starving; he was always starving, but mornings were the worst.</p><p>“No. I called her last night, I said I’d be there tomorrow, but that we were hanging out today, she said it was ok. She insisted that I do something fun, so we’re good,” Matteo said, smiling. Getting confirmation from his mum was clearly a relief for him.</p><p>“Ok nice. What are we doing?” David asked.</p><p>“It’s a surprise,” Matteo said, eyes lit up with mischief.</p><p>David was delighted to see that look back on his face.</p><p>“A surprise?” David asked slowly.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m taking you out,” Matteo said, stealing more toast from David’s plate.</p><p>“Like on a date?”</p><p>The look of panic on Matteo’s face was both disappointing and delightful.</p><p>“What? No! Not on a date! Don’t go thinking this is a date David, it’s just fun. I’m super romantic ok? So when I take you on a date you’ll know it,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>David just grinned at how red he’d gotten. It was a date. </p><p>“Looking forward to it,” he said.</p><p>“Shut up, David,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“When are we going?”</p><p>“As soon as you’re done.”</p><p>“Ok.” David was excited now, to see what Matteo had planned. He ate his breakfast as quickly as he could, then ran into the bathroom to get washed up and changed. When he came back out Matteo was waiting for him, also dressed and ready to go.</p><p>“Come on, let’s go then,” David said, bouncing on the balls of his feet and pulling Matteo up from the bed.</p><p>“So excited,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I am excited, Matteo. I’m always excited to hang out with you,” David said earnestly.</p><p>Matteo just blushed and ducked his head. “Let’s go then,” he said.</p><p>They headed downstairs.</p><p>“Where are you going?” his mum asked, coming out of the kitchen. She looked at both of them suspiciously. David had no idea why, they were old enough to do their own thing now.</p><p>He looked at Matteo, who shrugged. “Er… out, but it’s a surprise,” he said, handing her the plate.</p><p>She smiled at him sweetly. “Thank you, love. Ok you boys have fun, do you need a ride? Your dad’s heading to work in a bit,” she told them.</p><p>“No, thank you we’ll catch the bus,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Can I just clarify if I tried to get away with saying it was a surprise, you still wouldn’t let me go?” David demanded.</p><p>“That’s because Matteo is a good boy, if he says you’re going out for the day he probably means the park or somewhere fun, somewhere safe. When you say you’re going somewhere for a surprise, you’d probably end up in another country,” she teased, tapping his nose.</p><p>David brushed her away.</p><p>“How dare you? We would not,” David insisted.</p><p>“Yeah, we’d end up in America or somewhere!” Matteo said.</p><p>“Shut up Matteo we would not,” David said, shoving him away and scowling.</p><p>“Behave both of you, and have fun,” his mum said, shooing them out of the house.</p><p>“Thank you Sylvia, see you tonight, come on David,” Matteo said, pulling him along.</p><p>“It’s very annoying that my mum likes you more than me,” David said.</p><p>“Can you blame her?” Matteo asked cheekily.</p><p>It took everything David had not to beam at that cheeky smile; it had been too long since he’d seen it, and he swore it was the best sight he’d ever seen. </p><p>Instead, David kicked him. It didn’t wipe the smile from his face; he continued to grin as they walked along. He seemed so much lighter. David knew it was because his mum was getting better, and she’d told him to focus on himself, to have fun. It was almost like he finally had permission to relax.</p><p>“She doesn’t you know,” Matteo said quietly, slightly worried even though he didn’t need to be. “She loves you a lot, but you are quite badly behaved, you and Laura both,” he added.</p><p>“We are not, we just know how to have fun,” David said.</p><p>“She wouldn’t like where we’re going today by the way, so you can’t tell her, I don’t want her to be mad at me,” Matteo said, laughing at whatever confused expression was on David’s face.</p><p>What the hell was Matteo up to?</p><p>David frowned at him when they got on a bus heading into the city. He frowned even more when Matteo wordlessly transferred them to another bus heading out of the city again, in the opposite direction. </p><p>David knew Matteo was waiting for him to ask where they were going, and he refused to give him the satisfaction.</p><p>Still, when they got off the bus in a desolate part of town David could barely contain his curiosity. Matteo checked his phone and led them to a very derelict, crumbling, abandoned building, and David couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer.</p><p>“Did you bring me to an abandoned building?” he asked, completely amazed. </p><p>He couldn’t believe Matteo had done this, he didn’t get this sort of thing, David’s fascination. He didn’t particularly like climbing around dusty old places, and yet he’d brought David here on the first day he was finally allowing himself to have fun.</p><p>“Not quite, come on,” Matteo said, leading him around the back, down a damp dark alley.</p><p>They got to a door, but it was all boarded up. Matteo frowned and pulled at the boards, he found one that was looser than the others, but he still couldn’t make enough space. “Help me then,” he demanded of David who had just been staring, still shocked.</p><p>David did, he pulled the board up so that Matteo could crawl through, then he squeezed through himself. </p><p>“What’s here then?” he asked as they walked down a dark corridor. </p><p>Matteo led him into a bigger more open room and David looked around, frowning.</p><p>“Are we in a train station?” David asked.</p><p>It was, not a huge one, but he could see the counters where the tickets would be bought, and down some stairs he could see the platforms. It looked like this was the end of the line.</p><p>“Sort of, it never got finished, but I have something even better, come on,” Matteo said.</p><p>David hesitated, this was perfect, there was so much to look at and David wanted to see it all. He wanted to break into the ticket office and see what was inside.</p><p>“But Matteo I want to look around,” David said.</p><p>“Later David, follow me,” Matteo said, pulling them toward a door. He looked around carefully, took a deep breath, and then pushed down on a handle. David realised it was a fire door, and he looked around too, but no alarms had gone off. They snuck through the door into a dark stairwell. Matteo pulled out his phone, clicking on the torch. David did one better and pulled his torch out of his pocket.</p><p>“Why do you have that?” Matteo demanded.</p><p>“Just in case,” David said with a shrug, grinning at his confusion.</p><p>“Weirdo. Ok follow me, we have to go down, but be careful, I don’t know if all the stairs are there,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Wait let me go first, Matteo,” David said, grabbing his sweater and pulling him back.</p><p>Matteo huffed. David swept the torch over the staircase, it didn’t look too far down, but still far enough for Matteo to hurt himself if he fell. </p><p>“I’m not that clumsy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You’re not,” David agreed, taking the lead anyway. </p><p>Matteo still tripped a lot, but his balance was a lot better than it was when they were kids. Probably because he moved a lot slower these days. When they were kids, it was like everything was racing for Matteo and his body moved all out of sorts. Over the years, it had gotten better, but David wasn’t willing to risk it.</p><p>It didn’t take them long to get to the bottom. There was only one step missing from the fire escape, so they both made it down in one piece. Even Matteo didn’t trip.</p><p>“What is this place, Matteo?” David asked, they seemed to be in some kind of maintenance corridor. He couldn’t imagine why Matteo thought this was better than the train station.</p><p>Matteo led them down it, sure it was long and winding and kind of cool, but David didn’t understand why they were down here. He wanted to check out the train station above them. But Matteo was walking with determination, so David followed him. They reached another door.</p><p>“Almost there, hold on, shit.”</p><p>David watched Matteo struggle with a door for a moment, just grinning at him before he stepped in to help. Together they wrenched the door open and stepped straight into an underground station.</p><p>“Holy shit, Matteo,” David whispered.</p><p>“Right?”</p><p>“Matteo, wow!” </p><p>David ran down into the station and then just spun around on the spot, trying to take it all in.</p><p>“Ok but you have to be careful, trains come through to turn round or something, not as often as the mainline but they come through fast,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Ok,” David said, making a mental note to stay away from the edge. “When was it closed?”</p><p>“Years ago, before we were born, eighties maybe?” Matteo said. “Low passenger numbers or something.”</p><p>“This is so cool! Look at these adverts,” David said, pointing out the peeling posters of ridiculous looking boxy cars.</p><p>“Do you reckon that’s cheap or expensive?” Matteo asked, pointing at another poster for sweets, with the price in old currency.</p><p>“Probably cheap, everything’s more expensive these days,” David said.</p><p>“True,” Matteo agreed, “so like it?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David said, still in disbelief.</p><p>“Er… we can snoop around upstairs later I just thought you might like this,” Matteo said, clearly mistaking David’s awe for disinterest.</p><p>“No Matteo, this is way cooler, sorry I doubted you,” David said, making him smile.</p><p>“I saw your eyes light up at the train station, I know you love the whole abandoned thing, but I thought this might be better,” Matteo said, still smiling shyly.</p><p>“It really is, the train station is cool because it never was. This is even better, this is old, this was real. I like imagining what could’ve been, but even cooler is what was, just imagine this place full of passengers. It’s so cool. Come on, let’s look in here,” David said, pulling him over to the kiosk.</p><p>“Do not eat anything you find, David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“I know Matteo,” David said, rolling his eyes. “There won’t be anything left. Oh, here look eighty-two,” he said, picking up a newspaper.</p><p>“Million years ago,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yep,” David said, flicking through the old newspaper. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Matteo climb up onto the counter. “Be careful,” he warned, still focusing on the paper. He grabbed another. He could make something from this. </p><p>“Here we can give this to the boys, Carlos would like this,” Matteo said, showing him a magazine with a half naked lady on the front.</p><p>“Matteo!” David said, bursting out laughing, so glad Matteo had got his cheek back.</p><p>“Imagine if we tried to sneak this into your house and your mum caught us,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Put it back,” David warned. “Carlos can find naked women online,” he added.</p><p>“He does,” Matteo said, tossing the magazine aside.</p><p>“Mm?”</p><p>David folded the newspapers carefully and tucked them into his bag.</p><p>“Yeah Abdi too, don’t go through their internet history, it’s pretty much all boobs,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Opposite of your internet history then?”</p><p>“Well, there are no boobs in there if that’s what you mean,” Matteo said hotly.</p><p>David just laughed. “What is there?” he asked curiously.</p><p>“Video game hacks mostly,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>David grinned and threw an arm around his shoulder, that wasn’t what he’d meant at all.</p><p>“Anyway, I would clear anything incriminating,” Matteo said. </p><p>“I bet you do,” David teased.</p><p>“Go away, David,” Matteo said, but he didn’t push him away.</p><p>David just pulled him to a double bench, he laid down on one side, then Matteo laid down on the other side.</p><p>“Do you really though?”</p><p>Matteo shrugged. “I mean yeah, Jonas found porn on Abdi’s phone and then him and Carlos wouldn’t let him hear the end of it, it was so embarrassing for him,” he told him.</p><p>“What was it? Yoghurt porn?” David asked.</p><p>Matteo snorted and almost fell off the bench.</p><p>“No, just… I dunno I think it was normal but… it scared me,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“How come?”</p><p>“I guess that they found it so easily, I got scared it would happen to me too,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“But… they know about you?” David said, turning to face him, watching Matteo stare at the roof of the station.</p><p>“No?” Matteo said, frowning.</p><p>“They know about us, they’re always teasing,” David said.</p><p>Since David had confessed that he’d kissed Matteo, the boys kept making faces whenever they showed any hint of affection towards each other. It was dumb and harmless, David knew they would stop if it bothered them.</p><p>“Firstly Carlos and Abdi think they know but they don’t know shit, but actually I meant… what if my dad found it? I don’t… I can’t risk it,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“Hey,” David said gently.</p><p>Matteo finally turned to him.</p><p>“I know he won’t, I’d never give him my phone or anything but…”</p><p>“I get it, it’s a reasonable fear,” David assured him. “If he ever even threatened to hurt you I’d kill him,” he promised.</p><p>Matteo turned back to staring at the roof but he was smiling slightly now, cheeks a little pinker. </p><p>They stayed quiet for a little while. But David just couldn’t let it go, he was too curious.</p><p>“So you have to watch your gay porn in secret then? I mean you’re so good with computers I’m sure you can figure out some secure way of watching, you probably have a dedicated server or something,” he said.</p><p>“Go away David, and don’t just throw out computer words,” Matteo said, going bright red now.</p><p>David prodded his cheeks.</p><p>“Just interested in what you get up to,” David said.</p><p>“When exactly? We’re together pretty much twenty four seven, is that what <em>you </em>get up to in those times you need to be alone?” Matteo demanded.</p><p>David laughed at that, those times were nothing but pain and suffering, but still he was able to laugh about them once it was over. Matteo was allowed to make jokes and tease him, even if he was rude.</p><p>“Hey! That’s absolutely not what I’m doing,” David said. “I… you’re not always around,” he added quietly.</p><p>“David!” Matteo pretended to be scandalised.</p><p>“Shut up, Matteo,” David grumbled, blushing a little.</p><p>“I’m learning so much about you today,” Matteo said, grinning at him.</p><p>“You are learning absolutely nothing,” David muttered. “But er… I don’t mind if you did want space or er… privacy, mum did say you could have the spare room.”</p><p>He hadn’t even thought about it until now, but Matteo had been there all summer and apart from when he was visiting his mum they were barely spending anytime apart.</p><p>“Nah I don’t… I’m good, I like things as they are,” Matteo assured him.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“And I guess I could always take longer showers,” he said, winking at him.</p><p>“Matteo!”</p><p>David climbed up on the bench and leant over him, grinning down at him, he was laughing so much, so relaxed and happy. David beamed. </p><p>“But er… like I get privacy, but god the thought of being alone in my house is terrifying, and… I do get why your mum offered the spare room but… nights are really hard for me right now.”</p><p>“I know,” David said gently. “Do you think it’s weird? That we share? We’re kind of old for sleepovers. It is weird… but yet I don’t care. It still surprises me how comfortable I am around you, but I hate the idea of you not staying over, not sharing with you. I think that comfort we have is special, and I’d be foolish to turn it away. But… it should make me uncomfortable I think. Like, you know I talk to other trans kids online, right? And they are always surprised but… I dunno I know you see me right, you see me right so fiercely that it’s ok. To you we’re just two boys on a sleepover or whatever, and that’s ok,” he said.</p><p>“No. It’s more than a sleepover, to me it’s the only way I get a good night’s sleep, the only way I can lie in the dark without spiralling into panic, the only way I can feel safe, but yeah that too,” Matteo said.</p><p>“That too,” David agreed.</p><p>“But also, I think it’s just because we started sleeping over when we were still young. Pretty much before we even started thinking about puberty or sex or anything. I know you were more aware of it because of how it affected you, but still it was something far off. We were the same David, just kids. It meant nothing more than sleep, nothing more than just you being near so that when we woke up you were already there and ready to play. And also you missed out on sleepovers when you were younger, so we had to make up for that. And I mean I know we’ve changed, but we’re still the same, right? I know things are changing between us but… still most of all you’re my best friend and I just like being near you always,” Matteo said.</p><p>David couldn’t do anything but stare at him. That was exactly it. “I…”</p><p>“You ok?” Matteo asked gently.</p><p>David sighed. He hadn’t been intending to tell Matteo what Laura said the other day, but he couldn’t help himself; he was too excited. School was the one thing that ate away at their time together. </p><p>He had wanted to wait until he had it all sorted and confirmed. He’d asked his mum, and she’d been uncertain, not willing to let him go. But she had wanted him to be happy at school, even if that did mean him moving out. She wanted him to be with friends, to have fun in addition to his studies. </p><p>So she’d reluctantly agreed on the condition that he was to spend his weekends and holidays at home. He was only to stay over on school nights. They’d filled out an application for Barnim and were waiting to hear back. They’d also booked an extra appointment with his gender therapist to discuss his move and how to talk to the school about what they needed to do. They had a whole year to sort it out and possibly argue. It was so different from how things were at his other school. He didn’t know how they would be at Barnim, but David was hopeful. It had to be ok.</p><p>“Matteo,” he said quietly.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I kinda have news,” David said.</p><p>“Good news?” Matteo asked worriedly.</p><p>“The best,” David said.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo said, sitting up, so they were facing each other.</p><p>“I’m probably going to move in with Laura next year,” he said.</p><p>Matteo’s face fell.</p><p>“But… what? No David,” he said.</p><p>“Yes Matteo,” David said.</p><p>“But what about me?”</p><p>David realised how it sounded, he hadn’t even worried about that, had assumed that Matteo would be over all the time. He hoped Matteo would be back living at home by that point, for his own sake. “Well, I’m sure Laura won’t mind having you over, but also the thing is… and it’s not certain because I have to get in, but I’m applying to Barnim for my Abitur,” he said.</p><p>“David what the fuck?” Matteo demanded, almost yelling. He stood up and started to pace the platform. David watched him pulling at his hair and muttering to himself. He looked stressed, but David knew he was just struggling to process because he was excited.</p><p>“Yeah like I said it’s not certain,” David warned, getting up and walking over to stand in front of him. He stopped pacing but wouldn’t look at him. “Matteo?” David said gently, placing his hands on Matteo’s shoulders.</p><p>“David I- I-”</p><p>“I know,” David said.</p><p>“David, this means… a fresh start for you?”</p><p>“I can be me,” David said.</p><p>“You will be, and no one will know, right?”</p><p>“Right,” David confirmed, “just you and the boys.”</p><p>“That’s what you wanted, you can just… you get to have school how you want it, as you… but also with me, you’ll be with me,” Matteo said, as it all fell into place for him.</p><p>“Exactly,” David said, grinning.</p><p>“Oh David,” Matteo said, staring at him in amazement.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“David, that’s the best thing ever. I hate you going to that school, I know you’re ok but you deserve to enjoy it, you deserve to have fun, to be with friends, you deserve to be cool and popular,” Matteo said.</p><p>David giggled. “I do, but also Matteo I just want to go to school with you, if we’re together I know it’ll be good,” he said.</p><p>Matteo flung his arms around him and squeezed him tight, David held him back just as tightly.</p><p>“And you’re starting testosterone soon, so you’ll have already started changing and stuff, like you’ll be more you, does that make sense?”</p><p>“It does,” David said.</p><p>“Wow, it’s been four years, David. I know it’s been longer than that for you, but when we met, you had a four year countdown and god I knew it was coming but… David it’s here, you’ve made it. You get to go through all that stuff you wanted. You’ll be able to talk loud and clear and deep, without straining or trying to disguise it, your face will change, you’ll get all hairy and smelly-”</p><p>“Go away,” David muttered, but he kept hold of him. “You’re still not hairy,” he mused.</p><p>“Am too. My legs are hairy,” Matteo argued. </p><p>“And you shave the five hairs you get here,” David said, pulling back and tickling Matteo’s chin.</p><p>Matteo just rolled his eyes and pulled David back against him. David was so comfortable in his arms that he didn’t even jump when a train roared through the station. Neither did Matteo, and he tended to jump at loud noises. It was a testament to how safe he felt around David.</p><p>“It’s going to be good,” Matteo whispered, “you’re so close now, David you’re going to have such a good life.”</p><p>“We are Matteo, we are,” he said.</p><p>“Together?”</p><p>“Yeah together. It’s you and me, Matteo,” David said.</p><p>“It is,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>David pulled back a little to look at Matteo a little. He smiled at him fondly. Together. The two of them.</p><p>He rubbed his thumb over Matteo’s cheek</p><p>“Are you going to kiss me?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Thinking about it,” David admitted.</p><p>“You can,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I can?”</p><p>“Right now you can, while we’re down here,” Matteo said.</p><p>David knew what he meant. Down here in their own little world it was safe. Down here on their date that wasn’t a date. Down here they could kiss and not worry about what it meant, about any pressure, it was just them. </p><p>So David placed a hand on Matteo’s chin and tilted his face up to his. Then he gently pressed their lips together. He wrapped his other hand around Matteo’s back, pulling him close. It was different to the brief kisses they’d shared before. It was more tender, more gentle. Or it started that way at least. David soon felt himself getting lost in it. He felt Matteo’s hand at his waist and he sighed; he tried to get even closer. He felt himself burning with desire like he’d never felt before. He was warm all over, heat flooding his veins. He’d never felt like this, never felt such a need to be closer to Matteo. Matteo was flush against him, but David pressed closer.</p><p>In the distance he heard another train roar by, but right now nothing could distract him from Matteo in his arms. He kissed him and kissed him until he felt dizzy with it, but he couldn’t stop. He’d never felt like this, the kisses had moved from tender to passionate and heated. He had a tight grip on Matteo’s shirt now, and he’d pushed him against a pillar. This was more intense than David could’ve ever imagined. He always knew he was attracted to Matteo, had been for a long while now. He knew that he wanted him, but he’d never known it would feel like this. Those two quick kisses they’d shared last year were wonderful, but nothing like this. They were innocent and childish in comparison. </p><p>This was different, this was all consuming, and David wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to stop. Matteo said down here, but David didn’t think he could walk out of this train station, just friends with Matteo.</p><p>Matteo pulled back and stared at him wide eyed and gasping.</p><p>“David,” he whispered.</p><p>“Fuck, I know,” David said, trying to catch his breath. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to calm down a little.</p><p>“I… I…” </p><p>Matteo looked lost, so David took his hand and gave it a squeeze.</p><p>“I know, Matteo, I know,” David assured him.</p><p>“I want this, I do it’s just…”</p><p>“I’ll wait,” David promised.</p><p>“I’m just… David I’m not ready, I’m scared. But also I want to do this properly, not a secret. But I can’t yet,” Matteo said.</p><p>David wanted this, so badly. But it didn’t matter, because he wanted Matteo to be happy. Matteo wasn’t saying never, Matteo was asking for time. Too much had changed for Matteo this summer, and there were only going to be more changes coming, good and bad. David would wait. Of course he would. He knew they were going to work it out, and soon too.</p><p>“Hey, I know and that’s ok Matteo. That’s ok,” he promised.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“Don’t be sorry… I want this so bad… and I know it would be good, but… I just want to start T first you know? I know you see me right, but I want to see myself right, and maybe it’s dumb, but that’s important to me,” David explained.</p><p>Because right now in Matteo’s arms he wanted nothing more than to make him his. But that was the heat and the passion talking. Truthfully, he wanted to go into this with a clear head. And he’d always thought he’d rather be a bit happier with his body before he started something like this, not for Matteo but for himself. He knew it shouldn’t matter, but it did to him. </p><p>As wonderful as kissing was, as wonderful as it made him feel, he still didn’t feel quite right in himself and he’d like to get a little further along in his transition before he went there. He was thinking about sex and all the other stuff that came with relationships. Yes, nothing had to happen right away, but it was there at the forefront of his mind. His body right now was filled with desire and want from just a kiss. He wasn’t ready, but there were certain things he needed before he was. So he would take the time, not commit to anything just because he was horny.</p><p>“Ok good,” Matteo said, but he was frowning and chewing his lip.</p><p>“But just because I’m starting soon doesn’t mean you have to be ready,” David assured him.</p><p>“You’re so good to me,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“You just get it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Of course I do. I get you, Matteo,” David said, squeezing his hands.</p><p>“I can’t wait for you to start your hormones,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“You’re going to be so happy, I can’t wait to see it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I will be, I can’t wait either,” David said. He was so excited, everything was falling into place.</p><p>“And then you’ll come to school with me, oh god it’s going to be amazing, we’re going to be so cool,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>David stroked his face again and pressed one last kiss to Matteo’s lips then pulled him into a tight hug. This had been the best date ever, and Matteo didn’t even count it. So when he did try, when he was being romantic, David knew he was going to be blown away. Because whatever Matteo did, it would always impress him, he knew him better than anyone. And of course David would come up with dates too, and it would probably get competitive but it would just mean lots of amazing dates and adventures.</p><p>Yes, the future looked good.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next:</p><p>the boxing match, plenty of teasing from Marco and Frankie, and a little more from David's dad we haven't seen much of him yet,</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David wasn't sure if he could do this. He'd been boxing for years now, but never like this. There'd never been high stakes before. This was his chance to prove something, to himself, and to everyone who'd ever doubted him. He wanted to make Marco and Frankie proud. He wanted to win, but he wasn't sure he was good enough. But he was sure as shit going to try.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Before David knew it the day of the boxing match arrived.</p><p>All week he’d been confident. He’d gone on and on about it. How he was probably going to win because he was Marco’s best boxer.</p><p>His Dad drove them there because he didn’t want David catching the bus afterwards. David had spent almost the whole car ride bragging to Matteo, much to his dad’s amusement. </p><p>His dad was excited to see him fight. He’d been keen on the idea ever since he’d first heard David had been boxing.</p><p>His mum wasn’t happy. David hadn’t gotten away with it. She’d found the form immediately. Snatched it right out of his dad’s hand before the ink had even dried. That woman could’ve been a detective. Also, his dad was useless at keeping secrets, had floundered the moment she’d demanded to know what it was.</p><p>So she wasn’t happy about it, in her own worried way. David got it, she was scared for him. She wouldn’t come along because she didn’t like the idea of watching him being hit. But she’d given him a big hug and made him promise to be careful. Then she’d turned to his dad and told him sternly that if David came back hurt, he was in for it.</p><p>His dad had just smiled and kissed her, promising her everything was going to be ok. </p><p>David was glad he was coming though, he had listened so patiently while David informed both him and Matteo how well he’d expected it to go. It had been fun until they’d picked up Laura on the way. She was not nearly as patient with him. She warned him to be careful, that if he kept showing off, he wouldn’t be able to get out of the car because of the size of his head.</p><p>Then Matteo had the audacity to chip in and say that his big head would be a hindrance in the match as it was such a huge target.</p><p>David was ashamed to admit he’d sulked a bit at that. He didn’t like Matteo teaming up with Laura. So he had refused to speak to either of them for the rest of the car ride. Even his dad couldn’t placate him.</p><p>All his confidence was gone now though. He was hiding in the changing rooms, terrified. He was dressed and ready to go, but he was just laying there on the bench, staring at the ceiling, too afraid to go out there. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He didn’t want to lose. He didn’t want to prove them all right, all those people who said boys like him couldn’t compete.</p><p>Thankfully, there was no one else in there, he had his own space to wallow. He had no idea why he’d thought he could do this. He’d been such a fool. There was about five minutes before the first round and he didn’t know how to get out of this. So he was hiding. Maybe if he stayed in here, the fights would just go on without him.</p><p>There was a knock at the door, and his heart started pounding. He wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t do this.</p><p>“Go away,” he yelled.</p><p>“It’s Marco, can I come in?”</p><p>“No,” David said, covering his face with his hands.</p><p>Marco was going to try and convince him to fight. That was so much worse. Marco had put so much faith in him; David was only going to disappoint him.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“Ok fine, come in,” David said, relenting.</p><p>“Ok David?” Marco said, stepping into the room and approaching the bench.</p><p>“I can’t do this,” David said.</p><p>“Why?” Marco asked.</p><p>David appreciated that, that he didn’t just try and assure him it was ok. Because it wasn’t ok. Right now he was terrified, and he didn’t think Marco could talk him back into this.</p><p>“What do you mean why?” he asked.</p><p>Marco crouched down in front of him and smiled like he understood something David didn’t. “Why can’t you do it? Why is it any different from practice?”</p><p>David sat up and stared down at him. Was he mad? It was completely different. For starters, there was a lot more at stake here than at practice. “It just is, it’s… they’re older than me, stronger than me… they’re real-”</p><p>“You are just as real as them. You’re right though, they are older. I can’t tell you whether they are stronger until you fight. But I know you have a real shot of winning. You’ve been boxing for years now, David. So have they, but in a casual sense. I’ve been training you the same way I trained, professionally. But kid if you don’t win you are not letting anyone down, you know that right?” Marco said, coming to sit beside him on the bench.</p><p>David shuffled closer to him and let Marco throw an arm around his shoulder.</p><p>“All my friends are here,” David mumbled.</p><p>He’d seen them out there when they first got there, they’d had signs and everything. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of them. He didn’t want to lose in front of them, even though he knew they’d be proud no matter what.</p><p>“They are,” Marco agreed.</p><p>“And they’ve sponsored me and everything, I’ve told them I’m going to win,” David admitted.</p><p>What an idiot he’d been, so arrogant, so foolish.</p><p>Marco just smiled.</p><p>“Good for you, you should be confident, you deserve to be. But it’s for charity, they’re sponsoring you to raise money because it’s a good thing, and you’ve raised two hundred and fifty euros,” he reminded him.</p><p>“Yeah I guess,” David said.</p><p>“But if you don’t fight at all, you probably can’t have that,” Marco said, bumping their shoulders.</p><p>“Shit Marco, I’m so scared,” David said.</p><p>“Ok but-”</p><p>“David?” Matteo called out.</p><p>David turned around. Marco had left the door open, but he couldn’t see Matteo. Still, even just his voice was a comfort to him.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Are you getting changed?”</p><p>“No, I’m dressed,” David said.</p><p>“Can I come in?” Matteo asked.</p><p>He was so good; he knew this was different to them sharing a room at his place, knew that he had to double check before encroaching on his space. He could clearly sense something was up, that David was hiding.</p><p>“Yeah it’s ok,” David said.</p><p>Matteo approached them and sat down on the floor in front of them. “Are you still mad at me?” he asked.</p><p>“I was never mad at you,” David said. He wasn’t mad, just sulky. He didn’t like Matteo teasing him like that. He was such a baby. “You were right, I was being too full of myself,” he muttered.</p><p>“You’re allowed to be full of yourself, you deserve to be that confident,” Matteo said, reiterating what Marco had just told him.</p><p>“I’m not confident anymore,” David said quietly.</p><p>But now he knew it would be ok. He knew from the way he was looking at him that Matteo would know what to say. He would know how to comfort him and make him feel better. He would know how to make him feel brave again. Matteo always made him feel brave.</p><p>“Why?” Matteo asked gently.</p><p>“Because I’m scared,” David said.</p><p>“Of what?”</p><p>“I don’t know, losing,” David said.</p><p>Matteo knelt up, so he was level with him. He just stared at him for a minute.</p><p>“You won’t lose,” he said, so determined.</p><p>God, Matteo had such faith in him. David thought he might win just because of that. If only it was that easy, if only that was enough.</p><p>“You don’t know that. What I’m not strong enough?” David asked.</p><p>Matteo continued to look at him. Then he looked at Marco. He was clearly thinking exactly what to say. David just waited, wanting to hear what Matteo had to say. He knew whatever it was; it was going to help him, reassure him, and give him back his confidence.</p><p>“There isn’t really a strong enough in this case, David,” he said finally.</p><p>David frowned, still a little unsure.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“You are strong. You’re the strongest boy I know. But I know these other boys are older, and scary, and probably stronger than you. But you’re not just strong, you’re so fast, you’re graceful, and you react quicker than anyone else, right?”</p><p>“Right,” Marco agreed.</p><p>“And you’re so clever too, you’re always like ten moves ahead in any match. So what if you’re not as strong? This is about more than brute force and muscles. This is about skill, too. You may not be the strongest, but I truly believe you are the best,” Matteo said firmly, leaving no room for argument.</p><p>David almost wanted to cry. Stupid Matteo and his stupid, beautiful words.</p><p>“Well said Matteo,” Marco said, clapping him on the shoulder.</p><p>“Can I have a hug?” David asked, knowing that would make him feel better..</p><p>“Of course,” Matteo said, standing up and pulling David into his arms.</p><p>David sighed and relaxed a little. Matteo held him tight. There was nothing better than this. David had worried that he’d pushed it a bit with their kiss last week, that they’d have to reign in their affection and set boundaries because the lines were getting very blurred. But it was the opposite, the two of them had been even more affectionate than before. It was like they no longer had to hold back.</p><p>“You two are adorable,” Marco said.</p><p>“No, we’re not,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Yeah, and I’m tough,” David said.</p><p>“Gonna go out there and show them what you’re made of?” Marco asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said, his confidence returning a little.</p><p>“David, I really think you’ll win, but even if you come last, you’re still the best to me,” Matteo said, giving him one last squeeze.</p><p>Good god, now he was going to lose because he was too overwhelmed by Matteo and his sincere honesty. He’d be too distracted, he’d probably get knocked out immediately.</p><p>“Thank you, Matteo,” David said.</p><p>“You could be a motivational speaker, kid,” Marco said, clapping Matteo on the back.</p><p>“No thanks, I don’t really like talking all that much,” Matteo said, shrugging him off.</p><p>David grinned, Matteo always said that. But when he did speak up, he was always so clever with his words, so convincing too. He could win any argument with his thoughtful words.</p><p>“Good luck, David,” Matteo said, as they walked into the main room.</p><p>“You have to go sit down, Matteo,” Marco warned as they got to the ring.</p><p>“Why?” he demanded.</p><p>“Because you’re a distraction, can’t have you up here making eyes at David, putting him off his game,” Marco said, chuckling to himself.</p><p>He was teasing, but he was right too, David didn’t think he’d be any good with Matteo up there.</p><p>“I do not make eyes,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Go sit down, Matteo,” Marco said.</p><p>“See you after David,” Matteo said. </p><p>“Bye Matteo,” David said.</p><p>David watched him go sit by his dad and the boys. He smiled and waved at them, and they raised their signs and waved back, whooping and cheering. David turned to Marco. He was ready.</p><p>“I’ll be right here,” Marco promised.</p><p>David climbed into the ring and stared at his opponent. The other guy wasn’t a kid at all, had to be eighteen at least, was almost as tall as Simon, but not lanky like him. He was well built and terrifying. He approached him now, and David took a step back. David felt like a little kid in front of him.</p><p>“Hey don’t worry, I’m not scary I promise,” he said, smiling and reminding David that this was supposed to be for fun. These guys weren’t his enemies, they were just in it for charity. It was going to be fun. A charitable competition. David’s problem was that he was too competitive.</p><p>“I’m not scared,” David said and it didn’t sound too much like a lie.</p><p>“I’m Tobi,” the other guy said gently.</p><p>“David,” David said, holding out his hand. </p><p>Tobi bumped gloves with him.</p><p>“How old are you?” Tobi asked.</p><p>“Fifteen,” David said, knowing he looked even younger thanks to his stupid baby face.</p><p>“Incredible, so brave, and you’re trans right? Marco told us,” Tobi told him.</p><p>David sucked in a breath, he knew he’d told Marco it was ok, but he felt put on the spot as always.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said quietly.</p><p>“Nice,” Tobi said. “I’m in an LGBTQ youth sports group and there are a few trans guys, but they’re all super lame. They all think boxing is dumb, can you believe that? Said it was just a way to kill brain cells.”</p><p>David laughed. “How rude,” he said. </p><p>“But I guess you haven’t been allowed to compete? Outside of something like this? My friend Martin is like the fastest guy I know, but he’d have to run with girls, it’s bullshit,” Tobi said.</p><p>“There was an under sixteens regional last year, Marco enquired for me, but they said no,” David told him.</p><p>He’d been crushed, he’d known the answer was no, but it had hurt all the same. All he wanted was a chance to prove himself, show them what he could do.</p><p>“See? Total bullshit, stuffy old men in their little rooms deciding all these rules. So let’s show them all then, yeah? What they’re all missing out on,” Tobi said.</p><p>David already liked him. He got it. How unfair this was. Why even though it was for charity, this was really important for David. He was finally being allowed to compete as himself.</p><p>“Yeah ok,” he said quietly.</p><p>Tobi thumped his shoulder.</p><p>“Let’s do this kid,” he said. </p><p>David followed Tobi to the centre of the ring and took a deep breath. It was going to be ok. He could do this. Matteo was right. He was fast. He was clever. He was a good boxer. He deserved to fight, to show everyone what he could do.</p><p>Thirty seconds in and David knew he was definitely faster than Tobi. Despite what Matteo had said, David was still surprised at himself. Tobi was even more surprised. He hadn’t even landed a punch yet. He was heavier than David and wasn’t nearly as graceful. He definitely wasn’t as fast.</p><p>One minute in and David thought he might actually win this thing. </p><p>It was white collar boxing, three rounds of two minutes, with a one minute rest interval for each round. Then he would get a break before the next match. But this round was almost over, and he really could do this.</p><p>David took another deep breath and darted forward, landing a punch on Tobi’s jaw and startling him. He attacked again and again and then danced away before he could retaliate. David grinned to himself. He really did have this. </p><p>He steeled himself and went on the attack, punching as hard as he could, as fast as he could, Tobi seemed to recover quicker and hit back but he wasn’t as fast and David had him on the ropes when the bell rang.</p><p>“Jesus kid,” Tobi muttered.</p><p>“Yeah!”</p><p>He felt fucking amazing.</p><p>“You’re fucking fast,” Tobi said, leaning against him, panting heavily. </p><p>David shoved him away. He didn’t mind, but the guy was heavy.</p><p>“Yeah I know,” David said.</p><p>Tobi pushed him away then and went to his corner. David went to his own and bumped his fist against Marco’s.</p><p>“See?” Marco said, handing him water.</p><p>“Yeah, I see!” David yelled. He knew he was being loud, but his ears were ringing and he was buzzing with adrenaline.</p><p>“Feeling good?” Marco asked.</p><p>“Feeling fucking amazing!”</p><p>“Good man, hold on to it, take a breath, sit down a minute,” Marco said.</p><p>“Don’t want to,” David said.</p><p>“Sit down, David,” Marco said, pushing him down onto the stool.</p><p>David took a sip from the bottle and tried to calm down a little.</p><p>“You have to save some energy, you could have up to three fights depending on how this goes ok?” Marco warned him.</p><p>“Ok ok,” David said.</p><p>“Don’t burn out early,” Marco said.</p><p>“I won’t, I have so much energy, Marco I feel so good,” David said.</p><p>Marco slapped him on the back and pushed him up. “Use it then go,” he said.</p><p>The next two rounds went pretty much the same way, David using his speed to back Tobi into the corner and keep him there. Tobi was barely able to defend himself against David’s speed. And he definitely wasn’t quick enough to attack. Tobi was practiced, but David could see him thinking. David didn’t have to think or calculate. His body just moved naturally. He fought on instinct, and that was how he won his first match.</p><p>It felt like it had only last seconds. He’d never felt a focus like that, not even in practice.</p><p>“Well done, David,” Tobi said, “you deserved that, you’re fucking amazing.”</p><p>“Thank you, you’re good too,” David said, feeling it now that it was over.</p><p>That had been a real competition for him, he’d never had that before. Tobi hadn’t pulled his punches at all, and he’d still defeated him.</p><p>“Kid, I’m gonna go die in the corner, but hit me up ok? Join my youth group, we’re looking at doing a kind of regional sports competition next year, with other similar groups from other towns,” Tobi said.</p><p>David smiled. He definitely wanted in on that. “Like a gay olympics?”</p><p>Tobi laughed. “Yeah, like a gay olympics, I like that,” he said, thumping David’s shoulder gently, then stumbling off to collapse somewhere.</p><p>David went over to Marco and pretty much collapsed against him.</p><p>“I warned you,” Marco said, helping him out of the ring.</p><p>“I’m ok, just fuck… wow,” he said. He felt both exhausted, and the most energised he’d ever felt. It was a brilliant feeling, he could do this for hours. </p><p>“Drink up,” Marco said, handing him the bottle again.</p><p>“David, well done,” his dad said, coming over to them.</p><p>“Thanks dad,” David said, he was shaking now. He was burning with all this energy and he needed to put it into something so he started to bounce.</p><p>“You’re very good David, but are you ok?” he dad asked.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m good, I’m so good,” David said.</p><p>“Adrenaline,” Marco explained, as his dad frowned at the way he was bouncing. “He’s ok, just high from the fight.”</p><p>“I feel amazing, dad,” David told him.</p><p>“Come here, David,” his dad said, reaching out and pulling him into his arms. God, his dad was so strong, David felt himself relaxing a little in his arms. Sometimes that was just what he needed, a hug from his dad. “I’m really proud of you, you know? Well done for the fight, but also for raising the money, raising awareness. I’m so proud you’re my son, I’ve learnt so much from you,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of David’s head.</p><p>David just grinned and hugged him back. He loved this man so much; he was so glad they’d settled things between them and he got to keep their relationship. He was so grateful to him, for his quiet, unwavering support. David didn’t even notice when it started, but it had been years since his dad had last questioned his needs.</p><p>David glanced over at his friends who were all waving at him excitedly. Except Matteo, who was sitting low in his seat and scowling, upset that he hadn’t been allowed to stay ringside. David waved him over and his face lit up immediately. He ran up to him and David pulled away from his dad to grab him.</p><p>“You were amazing, David, I knew you would be,” Matteo said.</p><p>Now they were both bouncing.</p><p>“It felt so good, Matteo,” David told him.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, I feel so strong,” David said.</p><p>“Powerful?”</p><p>“Yeah powerful Matteo,” David agreed.</p><p>Matteo took his hand, and they both turned to watch the next fight. Then the two losers fought for seventh and eighth place. David stared at Tobi fighting and saw how powerful he was, how powerful all of them were. Did he really look like that?</p><p>“Yeah you do,” Matteo said, “powerful is right.”</p><p>He smiled at him, a new smile that David didn’t recognise, but before he could think about it he was up again.  </p><p>This time he was against a shorter, more powerful boy called Karl. He was quiet and stoic, didn’t say much, but shook his hand before the match started.</p><p>It left David feeling a little unsure. He felt like maybe this guy didn’t want to fight him.</p><p>Karl was a lot stronger than Tobi, a lot faster than him too. But still not as fast as David. That was his strength, his speed and his agility. Still, it took a lot more focus and energy, this time around. It took almost everything he had, but he managed to win two out of three rounds. What David lacked in strength, he certainly made up for in instinct and his natural gracefulness.</p><p>When the referee called it, Karl ripped off his gloves and marched up to him. David took a step back, but held his ground. Karl grabbed his hand and shook it enthusiastically.</p><p>“Good job kid, you’re pretty damn terrifying for a middle schooler,” Karl said.</p><p>He realised then that it was just part of Karl’s strategy, not to give anything away before the fight. David had been bubbling over with excitement whereas Karl was quieter, more professional. David instantly liked him now that he was showing his own excitement.</p><p>“Er thanks,” David said.</p><p>“But seriously, David, well done. Marco told us about you, he’s damn proud of you, as he should be. You should be proud of yourself, I hope you see that, no matter what the stupid rules are on boxing, you’ve proved yourself today. You were fantastic, David,” Karl said.</p><p>David felt strangely emotional. He had never received so much respect from strangers before. Because that was what it was, respect pure and simple. They saw him correctly. They saw him as their equal, these strong men saw him as the same. </p><p>When he climbed out of the ring that time, all the boys were on him in an instant, slapping him on the back and cheering with him. Jonas excitedly informed him that he’d filmed both matches on his phone for him to show the assholes at his school. David thought he really might do that. Or he could show it to some of his school friends and it would spread around. That would scare Mikkel.</p><p>He didn’t feel as buzzed now though. He definitely felt tired. He was in pain too. Karl had landed several heavy blows, which he hadn’t felt in the moment, but he could certainly feel them now.</p><p>David still had one more match, but he couldn’t stop trembling. Suddenly he felt like he couldn’t do it. He didn’t have anything left. Marco checked him over and gave him more water, but he could barely drink it; he was shaking so much. </p><p>Matteo took his hand and led him to the corner.</p><p>“I need to watch,” David said.</p><p>“You need to calm down a little,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No, I-”</p><p>“Yes,” Matteo said, putting his hand on his chest and holding David in place against the wall.</p><p>This was new, Matteo being assertive. He liked it though. It meant he could just let go, let Matteo take over.</p><p>David raised an eyebrow, but didn’t resist him, it felt good; he felt himself calming finally. Matteo held the water up and David drank it carefully, then leant back against the wall.</p><p>“You looked amazing up there,” Matteo whispered, voice lower than usual.</p><p>David stared at him, surprised. Now he felt shivery and strange. Proud he realised, he felt proud that Matteo was impressed by him. Yeah, David wanted to compete as himself and prove himself to everyone. But he didn’t need to prove himself to Matteo. So he just wanted to impress him, show off what he could do.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said, just as quietly.</p><p>“Yeah… I don’t like fighting or violence, but I could watch you fight like that all day,” he said.</p><p>God, David thought he might die at the want so plain in Matteo’s voice. It felt like things were constantly shifting between them nowadays. This shift felt particularly good. Matteo always saw him correctly, always knew he was strong, but his perception had shifted today. Now he saw David as powerful too, David could see it in the way he looked at him. The awe and wonder was written all over his face. He just stared back. He didn’t need to say anything, Matteo already knew.</p><p>So he just reached out and covered Matteo’s hand with his own.</p><p>“Ok?” Matteo checked after a few minutes.</p><p>“Yeah yeah I’m ok,” David said, he was calming down, he felt a lot better.</p><p>“Ready for your boss battle?”</p><p>David chuckled.</p><p>“How long do I have?” he asked, not ready to move yet.</p><p>“You still have time, Karl will have to fight whoever loses this one first and I think they have to do fifth and sixth place before that? Is that right?”</p><p>“Yeah that’s right,” David said.</p><p>“Ok so you have time,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I have time,” David said, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes.</p><p>“Are you ok?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Just tired,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah I went hard,” David said, groaning. His body was certainly not happy, he felt bruised and sore. He was going to hurt tomorrow. He was definitely going to have to boss Matteo around and make him help him.</p><p>“Too hard?”</p><p>“A little,” he admitted.</p><p>“You’ve never really been any good at pacing yourself,” Matteo teased.</p><p>“Fuck off Matteo,” David muttered.</p><p>But he was right, patience was not his strong point.</p><p>“You can recover it, I know you can do this,” Matteo promised.</p><p>“I’m so tired, Matteo,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just smiled and stepped even closer.</p><p>“Whatever happens now, you know you’re either going to win or come second, second is still amazing, you know that right?” he reminded him.</p><p>“I know that, you’re right. God, I just want to go to sleep,” David said.</p><p>“Ok come here,” Matteo said, pulling him against him.</p><p>David just leant against him and closed his eyes for a minute or two. Then Matteo pushed him back up when the bell rang.</p><p>“Ok gotta get you back into fighting mode,” he said.</p><p>“Already?” David said, blinking at him.</p><p>“No not yet, but come on let’s get you ready,” Matteo said, bouncing on his toes.</p><p>David copied him and started to feel re-energized.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“Yeah better, thank you,” David said.</p><p>“Come on, let’s go back,” Matteo said.</p><p>They went back to stand with Marco.</p><p>“Doing ok?” he asked him.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m ok,” David said.</p><p>“Tired?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David said. He was exhausted, there was no point lying about it.</p><p>“You’ll get used to it, these short bursts you do are exhausting but I know you’ve got this,” Marco said, squeezing his shoulder.</p><p>He didn’t have it. David gave it his all, but it wasn’t enough. In the end his opponent Eli beat him two to one, and David felt absolutely wiped out. It was a brutal fight. Eli was both stronger and faster than him, and he landed several punches. He didn’t hold back just because David was smaller and younger. David had given it his best, but it wasn’t good enough. Eli had him beat.</p><p>He needed to lie down. Right now. He was exhausted. He had nothing left. Everything hurt now.</p><p>Eli caught him before he could leave.</p><p>“That was amazing, you did amazing,” he said.</p><p>“I lost,” David said. But surprisingly he wasn’t upset. He’d given it his all. He was proud of himself. Hell, Eli was the best fighter he’d ever seen and David still had him against the ropes several times.</p><p>“No kid, you’re fifteen and you almost had me beat. You lost nothing today, in three years when you’re as old as me, you are going to be fucking formidable. So er… don’t look me up, yeah?” Eli said, grinning at him.</p><p>David laughed and shook his hand. He was right, and it felt good to hear that from the winner. That he could see his potential meant such a lot.</p><p>He climbed out of the ring and Marco placed his hands on David’s shoulders.</p><p>“I am so proud of you,” he said.</p><p>“Thank you,” David said, tearing up. Stupid adrenaline making him all emotional.</p><p>“You were amazing out there, seriously well done,” Marco said.</p><p>All the boys surrounded him, clapping and cheering.</p><p>David felt amazing. He may not have won, but he felt like he’d proved something, both to himself and everyone who was watching.</p><p>“That was so cool,” Abdi said, hugging him close.</p><p>“It was amazing, you’re fucking terrifying David,” Carlos said, staring at him awestruck.</p><p>Laura came up and pulled him into a hug.</p><p>"Well done David, you deserve to be smug after that," she said, smiling at him proudly.</p><p>David just smiled shyly and basked in his success.</p><p>After a few minutes, he ducked away and headed to the changing room. He was exhausted, and he needed to lie down for a minute.</p><p>David had his own separate changing room, but it was different from the school forcing him to use the disabled bathroom. He’d been asked what he felt most comfortable using, and for now that was a separate changing room. Honestly, it was more to do with the age discrepancy over anything else. He didn’t feel a hundred percent comfortable in a room full of naked eighteen-year-olds. Jonas and Carlos said the same thing that he was better off by himself, it was different with kids his own age. Those guys were men and yeah he’d beat them and they were kind but they were still intimidating. Locker rooms were scary places.</p><p>Matteo followed him into the changing room. He hadn’t said anything since the last fight finished. David was a little concerned, but he would check in as soon as his legs stopped shaking.</p><p>“I’m getting changed,” David said, grabbing his gym bag. </p><p>He rarely bothered after practice, but he felt pretty disgusting right now.</p><p>“I’ll close my eyes,” Matteo said, sinking to the floor and burying his face against his knees.</p><p>David frowned. Matteo never usually pushed like that, always took the hint and stepped out. Still, he trusted Matteo when he said he wouldn’t look, so he turned round and changed into his comfy sweats. Then went to sit beside him. </p><p>“What’s up with you?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I was rude just then. I just didn’t want to be apart from you. I dunno, that last fight was scary, I just need to be near you right now, sorry I know you like your privacy,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>David rested his head on Matteo’s shoulder.</p><p>“Not like, need, but… it’s ok. I know you’re good, let’s face it, you share a room with me and everything. You always respect my privacy, even if you’re being weird and clingy, I trust you,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just pressed a little closer. “Are you going to do this again next year? You’ll probably win,” he said.</p><p>David really thought he might. </p><p>“I hope so, I’ll be a lot stronger next year,” he said.</p><p>“You’ll be really scary,” Matteo said, pulling back to look at him.</p><p>“Tobi said he’s organising an LGBTQ youth sports thing, he wants me to join. I’m going to,” David told him.</p><p>Matteo just nodded, smiling.</p><p>“Are you scared of me?” David asked.</p><p>“No never. I could never be scared of you… but I wouldn’t ever want to box you either,” he said.</p><p>David grinned and pulled Matteo back to him.</p><p>“How are you feeling?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Fucking exhausted and sore too, everything hurts,” David told him.</p><p>“You should shower, the heat will relax your muscles, stop you getting all stiff and achy tomorrow,” Matteo said.</p><p>David knew he was right, but he was so comfortable against Matteo. Except he wasn’t, not really, he was in a lot of pain.</p><p>“Can’t be bothered,” David said, leaning heavily against Matteo.</p><p>Matteo turned and gave him a look, so David dragged himself over to the showers. Matteo was right though, the hot water felt good, and he knew it would stop him seizing up, stop him being in more pain in the morning. He let the hot water ease away all his aches and pains. When he came back out, all damp, but feeling fresher he laid down on the bench.</p><p>Matteo crawled over to him and laid his head on his stomach. David tangled his fingers in Matteo’s hair and relaxed. He felt so good in his body right now, in a way he rarely felt. This body of his was strong, fast and graceful. He had a lot of problems with it, but he couldn’t deny that.</p><p>“You were so amazing today,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I felt amazing, I didn’t win but I feel like I did. I feel like I won something. I fought as me and it felt incredible,” David said.</p><p>“I’m so proud of you, David,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>They just stayed there, neither of them particularly keen on moving. David could hear things winding down out in the main hall, but he just tightened his grip on Matteo and closed his eyes. There was nowhere else he wanted to be right now. He just laid there marvelling at what had just happened, what he’d just done.</p><p>After a while, they were rudely interrupted.</p><p>“Oi you two, clear out,” Frankie said, marching in there and standing over them, arms crossed. Neither of them moved, they were too comfortable. Matteo even snuggled closer and sighed.</p><p>“Are they making out?” Marco yelled.</p><p>“No just lazing about,” Frankie called back.</p><p>Marco walked in and grinned at them. “Come on boys, your dad’s waiting to take you home,” he said, always far more patient than Frankie.</p><p>“Can’t. Move,” David said, but he stretched and groaned and then sat up. God everything hurt, his bruises, his muscles, he swore his fucking bones hurt.</p><p>“Well done today, David,” Frankie said, “you did so well.”</p><p>“I had so much fun,” David said, walking over and hugging him, then Marco.</p><p>“Good, I’m so glad, this was exactly the point. I so rarely got to be seen as myself at your age, I’m so glad you got that,” Frankie said.</p><p>David hugged him again, tight. This was the best thing he could’ve given him.</p><p>“Can I do it again next year?” David asked him. “I’ll raise five hundred euros next time,” he said.</p><p>This time he’d only got his parents, his friends and Laura and her friends to sponsor him. But in the car on the way over his dad had asked if he should’ve gotten his colleagues to sponsor him. David had been stunned by that, had asked him, wasn’t he too embarrassed to do something like that? His dad had assured him that wasn’t the case at all. That he just didn’t suggest it, because he was worried about David’s privacy. But that he really wanted to, he really wanted to show him off, because he was so proud of him. He would let him next time, and with all the fancy businessmen his dad knew he could probably raise a thousand euros.</p><p>Marco scoffed. “Next year? This was a one off right?” he asked, bewildered.</p><p>Frankie just laughed at his boyfriend, and wrapped his arm around him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. It was very clear that he always got his way.</p><p>“Oh come on babe, stop pretending you didn’t enjoy all this,” he said.</p><p>“Hated every minute of it,” Marco muttered.</p><p>“He loved it,” Frankie told them, smiling fondly.</p><p>David turned to Matteo who smiled sleepily at him. “Let’s get you home,” David said, waving to Marco and Frankie then steering Matteo to the door. “I dunno why you’re so tired,” he added when Matteo leant against him so heavily David was practically carrying him.</p><p>“Sleepy,” Matteo said.</p><p>David just rolled his eyes, and they made their way to the car. David was exhausted, but at the same time he was still buzzed. Today had been incredible, absolutely amazing. David had never felt so strong, so powerful. He really felt like he could do anything. He could be anything he wanted to be, and no one was going to stand in his way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>up next </p><p>summer is ending with a bang, in the form of drunken teenage antics, more kissing, some jealousy, dancing, and some relationship advice from papa schreibner</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David had never been to a high school party before. The only person he knew who went to these sorts of things was Laura, and there was no way she'd invite him. She may love him, but she also found him pretty annoying.<br/>It was a lot of fun though and David couldn't help think about what was to come, when he transferred this could really be his life. Drunken antics with his friends, mucking about and being reckless and silly. He couldn't wait.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David was pretty sure they were going to get into trouble, possibly even arrested. Well that was unlikely, it wasn’t that bad. </p><p><em>He</em> was definitely going to be in trouble though. He’d lied to his mum, told her it was just a small picnic by the lakes. It was a lot more than a small picnic. It was a party, hosted by Jonas’ friend-slash-girlfriend’s brother and it was massive. She would know the moment he walked in the door he’d been up to something. </p><p>David had never been at a party like this, none of them had, video games and junk food were more their speed. He looked around a little concerned, there were loads of older kids drunk out of their minds. Pretty close to the water, too.</p><p>David himself was a little tipsy, or a lot tipsy. He and Matteo had been splitting a bottle of vodka they’d nicked from Laura’s room. Now he was watching Matteo and Jonas trying to smoke a cigarette without coughing up their lungs. They were terrible at it; it was pretty funny.</p><p>“Is this another tactic to impress Leonie?” he asked.</p><p>“No,” Jonas muttered, face red from coughing.</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“I dunno, trying to be cool,” Jonas explained.</p><p>“Cool kids smoke,” Matteo clarified.</p><p>David rolled his eyes. “Yeah because I’m sure she’ll want to kiss you tasting like cigarettes,” he pointed out.</p><p>That stopped Jonas in his tracks. He handed the cigarette back to Matteo and started sniffing himself.</p><p>“I… shit… do I smell bad?”</p><p>Matteo shrugged and wandered over to David, offering him the cigarette.</p><p>David shook his head. “Take it easy, Matteo,” he warned as Matteo swigged down more vodka straight from the bottle. He’d gotten some wine at some point too, his lips were red from it. He was well on his way to being wasted, going far beyond what was fun.</p><p>“I’m having fun,” Matteo said.</p><p>David wasn’t convinced, Matteo looked miserable. The drink wasn’t helping; it was making it worse.</p><p>“That’s fine as long as you’re not trying to drown yourself in it,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just shrugged. “Whatever David, I’m gonna go dance,” he muttered.</p><p>Apparently alcohol made for a belligerent Matteo. David had never heard him be rude like that, to him or anyone.</p><p>Even Jonas was stunned. “You two fighting?” he asked.</p><p>“Nah he’s just… he’s sad, and he’s trying to ignore it, which I get, it must be exhausting feeling like this, but drinking won’t help him,” David said.</p><p>Jonas nodded. “Sorry… probably shouldn’t have brought him here, but I was too scared to come alone,” he explained.</p><p>“Have you actually spoken to Leonie yet?”</p><p>“I think she’s annoyed that I came with all of you,” Jonas said.</p><p>Jonas was useless, David knew he was going to have to intervene, or this was going to go on for another year. He sighed and placed his hands on Jonas’ shoulders, then he pushed him toward the crowd.</p><p>“David, stop,” Jonas protested.</p><p>But David knew his friend needed his help.</p><p>“Jump in Jonas, just fucking say hi,” he said, giving him one final shove towards Leonie and the group of girls surrounding her. </p><p>He didn’t envy Jonas one bit. He also didn’t want to stick around and hear Jonas stuttering and stumbling through trying to flirt. </p><p>Instead, he went over and collapsed against Carlos. The alcohol was hitting him hard now. </p><p>“Ok David?” Carlos asked, offering him a beer.</p><p>David took it, but sipped it slowly. “Yeah, I’m good, this is fun,” he said.</p><p>“How much longer before the police are called you reckon?”</p><p>“Dunno, there’s no one here to call them,” David pointed out.</p><p>“There are a few family houses on the other side of the lake, if we get much louder there’ll be trouble,” Carlos said.</p><p>It showed how drunk he was that the idea didn’t really scare him. He could run pretty fast. Although being drunk <em>and</em> trying to drag Matteo along would slow him down.</p><p>“True, true,” he said.</p><p>“It’s a bit intimidating this,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Yeah, I feel like we’re just little kids again,” David said.</p><p>Everyone here was at least three years older than them. It hadn’t felt like they were intruding; everyone had been welcoming, but he could tell they thought they were kids. Well, in fairness they were kids and they definitely shouldn’t be drinking.</p><p>“A really pretty girl offered me her vodka, like to share?”</p><p>David grinned. “Yeah?”</p><p>“But I’m pretty sure she was like nineteen so I ran away,” Carlos admitted.</p><p>“Probably best,” David said, bumping their shoulders.</p><p>Carlos looked older than all of them because he was taller, but he wasn’t, he was still just as immature as the rest of them.</p><p>“I… don’t think I’m ready for that sort of stuff yet,” Carlos said quietly.</p><p>“What stuff?”</p><p>“She was like… grabbing at me and stuff… you know?”</p><p>“Sex stuff?”</p><p>“Yeah. I want a girlfriend, but…?”</p><p>“I won’t laugh,” David promised.</p><p>“I just want all the good stuff, like going on dates, buying each other presents, that sort of thing, I just want to take it slow, with the right person,” he said.</p><p>“I get you Carlos, you’ll find her,” David said, smiling at him.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“It’s a bit different for me, there’s stuff I need like medically? It’s a personal thing for me, but I want to be on hormones before I can even think about sex. But regardless I think we’re still kinda young, I know I am. Like…”</p><p>David sighed and looked over at Matteo dancing and swaying surrounded by girls, he grinned and rolled his eyes. At least they were his own age. Girls loved Matteo, it drove the other boys mad.</p><p>“Ok I’m telling you this and no one else ok?”</p><p>“Ok,” Carlos said, nodding seriously.</p><p>“Matteo is it for me yeah?”</p><p>“Oh yeah I know,” Carlos agreed.</p><p>“And… I know one day we’re probably going to have sex and it’ll be fucking amazing. But that’s in the future, right now all I want is to hold his hand. And kiss him. God, I want to kiss him all the time. We kissed again the other day, and it was the most beautiful thing, I never wanted to stop. That’s what I want for now, kisses in abandoned train stations,” David said, thinking back on the other day dreamily.</p><p>“Abandoned train stations?” Carlos asked, completely confused.</p><p>“It was amazing Carlos,” David told him.</p><p>“Wow, see that’s what I want,” Carlos said.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Love,” Carlos said.</p><p>David looked up at Matteo again and smiled, that was what it was, what they had. Love. He sighed and Carlos draped an arm over his shoulder. </p><p>“Yeah, love,” David agreed. “Sex, all the other stuff that’ll come when you’re ready. Like there’s nothing wrong with having sex with whoever you want, with or without love, but… I still feel a bit like a kid. I think it’s probably partly because technically I haven’t even been through puberty yet, not the right one, so I still feel younger than I should, I still feel like a boy,” he explained.</p><p>Carlos perked up then. “I’ve been reading actually,” he said.</p><p>“About what?” David asked.</p><p>“Trans stuff? Was that ok?”</p><p>David smiled, touched at his thoughtfulness. He didn’t mind at all; he appreciated the effort they went to to learn and understand him.</p><p>“Yeah it’s fine,” he assured him.</p><p>“So I was reading about testosterone, because I know you’ll be starting it soon-”</p><p>“Two months Carlos,” David said, immediately excited just thinking about it.</p><p>“God, you must be excited,” Carlos said.</p><p>“I am. So excited, I can’t wait, I can’t wait at all.”</p><p>“But also I read that… you’re going to be crazy horny all the time,” Carlos said.</p><p>David snorted and almost spat out his beer. He wasn’t wrong though; he had read the same thing.</p><p>“Yeah my endo has warned me,” David said, still laughing.</p><p>“It’s like we all were at like twelve or thirteen I suppose,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Yeah your bodies were like suddenly flooded with testosterone, it’ll be the same for me, just a bit later is all,” David said.</p><p>“Ah but we’re not thirteen anymore, you’ll be sixteen. When we were thirteen, we had all this horny energy with no idea what to do with it. You’ll be sixteen, you’ll know exactly what to do with it. You better behave, and you’d better warn Matteo you’ll be all over him, or more than usual,” Carlos teased.</p><p>David knew full well how the hormones were going to change things, possibly change his attraction to Matteo. It would never fade, it was going to get stronger, but also more intense, more mature. He was pretty sure he was going to be pouncing on Matteo at any chance he got.</p><p>“I… already have,” David admitted.</p><p>“For real?”</p><p>“Yeah, we talk about this stuff. I just said I might be a bit more touchy, a bit more clingy, but if I make him uncomfortable, he should just shove me away because I know what he’s like he puts up with a lot. But he has touch issues and boundaries and I don’t get a free pass to push that,” David said. “I’ll keep it under control.”</p><p>“It’ll be so much fun, watching you grow and be comfortable, more comfortable in yourself. I think you’re so fucking brave David,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Thanks Carlos,” David said.</p><p>Carlos squeezed him tight, and David leant against him. </p><p>“I can’t wait. I’m gonna get all these things I’ve wanted for ages. My face should change, my voice too. And I’m gonna grow a beard… I hope,” David said.</p><p>“You will,” Abdi said, collapsing on his other side.</p><p>“Will I?” </p><p>“Yeah it’s easy, I’ve had a beard since I was like twelve,” Abdi told them.</p><p>That was true, it only took a day of not shaving and Abdi’s chin was darkly shadowed, even when they were younger.</p><p>“He has, he had a like a little goatee by the time he was thirteen, took us ages to convince him to shave,” Carlos told him.</p><p>“Yeah because it was sexy,” Abdi insisted.</p><p>“Was not,” Carlos argued.</p><p>“But what I’m trying to say David is we’re darker, right? So we’re hairy,” Abdi explained. </p><p>“It might not work like that for me,” David said.</p><p>“I mean my auntie has a pretty good beard, so you never know,” Abdi said, lifting David’s arm and comparing them.</p><p>His hair was dark, more so on his legs although there wasn’t as much there. But he was hairy all over, and it was visible. Maybe he would manage it. He hoped so; he was certainly positive about it. It would probably take a while, years even, but he was sure one day he’d be just as hairy as he wanted to be. Matteo had teased him about this, said he was going to look like a caveman, David always countered that he liked it, he was clearly into cavemen.</p><p>“I can’t wait,” David said.</p><p>“Hairy caveman, David,” Carlos teased.</p><p>“Fuck off,” David muttered.</p><p>“Maybe you should go caveman though, looks like Sara’s about to steal you man,” Abdi informed him.</p><p>David looked up sharply at that. Matteo was dancing with a blonde girl who was all over him, arms draped around his neck. David frowned; he didn’t like that at all. He wasn’t going to go caveman though. He just took a sip of his beer and glared, hoping Matteo would sense it and come back to him.</p><p>“Oh wow you’re jealous!” Carlos exclaimed.</p><p>He was too, he’d never felt like this before. And he knew this girl wasn’t a threat, Matteo didn’t even like girls. But David didn’t like her touching what was his.</p><p>“Who the fuck is this girl?” he demanded.</p><p>“Sara, Leonie’s best friend,” Carlos explained.</p><p>“Yeah well I hate her,” David muttered, glaring at her. How dare she? How dare she put her hands on Matteo? She had no idea who she was messing with. She clearly didn’t know Matteo was his. </p><p>David had never felt so possessive. He knew part of it was because he was a little drunk, but he’d never felt threatened like this.</p><p>Abdi just laughed at him.</p><p>They continued to watch Matteo and Sara drunkenly swaying together; David getting more and more annoyed. When Sara put her hands on Matteo’s face David knew what was about to happen. He stood up and so did Abdi and Carlos beside him.</p><p>It seemed Matteo hadn’t quite figured out what was happening because when Sara kissed him he pushed her away. He shoved her hard in his shock. She stumbled and immediately fell on her ass.</p><p>What a disaster. David couldn’t help but laugh now. Beside him Abdi was on the ground laughing so hard. The jealousy completely faded as he watched Matteo struggle to help poor Sara up off the floor. Both of them were wasted, so it wasn’t easy. Once she was up, he led her to an amused Leonie and Jonas and then ran away.</p><p>“Matteo over here!” David called out.</p><p>Matteo looked so relieved when he spotted them. He stumbled towards them, almost crashing into David who grabbed him and steadied him.</p><p>“She kissed me!” Matteo exclaimed.</p><p>“We saw,” David said, amused now.</p><p>“Why did she do that?” Matteo demanded.</p><p>“Because you’re so fucking cute, come here,” David said.</p><p>Matteo collapsed into his arms. “Sorry,” he mumbled.</p><p>“What for?”</p><p>“Kissing Sara,” Matteo said.</p><p>“She kissed you,” David said.</p><p>“No, she attacked me!”</p><p>“Yeah well now you know how it feels,” David teased.</p><p>“That’s different,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Oh yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah because you wanted to kiss me too, and you weren’t drunk,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know, she shouldn’t have kissed you like that, but she’s pretty drunk too. But it’s ok, I’m not upset, are you ok?” David said, concerned about the state Matteo was in now.</p><p>He was very drunk, too drunk, and David was worried.</p><p>“I didn’t want her to kiss me,” Matteo whined.</p><p>“I know Matteo, it’s ok,” David said gently, holding him close.</p><p>“This is such bullshit, how come you get all the girls Matteo?” Abdi demanded.</p><p>“I don’t want them,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“That probably helps, right?” Carlos guessed.</p><p>“Yeah! Maybe we should pretend to be gay!” Abdi suggested.</p><p>“Don’t you dare do that,” David warned.</p><p>“Why not?” Abdi asked, disappointed now.</p><p>“Because it’s gross, don’t do that,” David said, his tone making it clear he was not happy with the suggestion.</p><p>Abdi looked nervous, but Carlos nodded.</p><p>“Yeah, we won’t, that’s like deception too, as well as being shitty, calm down Abdi don’t be so desperate,” Carlos said.</p><p>“How drunk are you Teo?” David asked.</p><p>“Too drunk,” Matteo murmured, stumbling and swaying.</p><p>“Silly boy,” David said, stepping closer again.</p><p>“Oh look!” Carlos said.</p><p>They all looked over and saw Jonas and Leonie kissing.</p><p>“Finally!” Abdi said.</p><p>“What finally?” Matteo mumbled, “you really think he’s going to stop going on about her now?”</p><p>Carlos groaned. “He’s going to be worse isn’t he?”</p><p>“Way worse,” Matteo said.</p><p>David just chuckled and pulled Matteo into his arms properly, slowly swaying to the music. Dancing with him, just like Sara had, except this was better, Matteo wanted this. Matteo was way closer to him, pressed up against him. It was wonderful, but Matteo needed his bed.</p><p>“I’ll text my dad to come get us,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m tired David,” Matteo said, but he continued to dance with David.</p><p>It was completely different from how he’d been with Sara. With her he’d just been humouring her, not into it at all. He was just being polite. He was far too polite sometimes, was Matteo. He never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. So he’d danced with Sara because he hadn’t known how to get out of it. </p><p>David’s jealousy had been a complete overreaction.</p><p>Now Matteo was completely relaxed, enjoying himself even though he was drunk. David loved it. He loved holding him like this, swaying with him, dancing. He even loved the way Carlos was looking at them so fondly, like they had everything he wanted.</p><p>“You two want a lift?” he asked.</p><p>“Nah we’ll stay and go back with Jonas,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Ok, come on, see you later,” David said, taking Matteo’s hand and leading him back to the road.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Matteo said after a few minutes.</p><p>“For kissing Sara?” David teased.</p><p>“No. For snapping at you earlier, I know you’re just looking out for me, I got too drunk and now I feel like shit,” he groaned.</p><p>“You’re gonna feel worse in the morning,” David warned.</p><p>“Great,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>David just pressed a kiss to his temple, there was nothing else he could do, the damage was done.</p><p>“I just wanted to forget but… it didn’t help, I… as soon as I stopped drinking I just remembered everything that was shit, so I had to keep drinking and… I feel horrible now, I feel so horrible David I feel…”</p><p>“It’s ok you’re still drunk,” David said gently, sitting him down on a bench.</p><p>“I’m so drunk and I’m so sad,” Matteo said tearily.</p><p>David’s heart ached for him.</p><p>“I know, I know, look we’ll get you home, you can take some painkillers and then tomorrow you can sleep all day,” he said.</p><p>“I’ll be sad tomorrow too. I’m sad all the time and it’s not going away. This isn’t even about my mum anymore, this is me now, this is my own sadness. David, it’s not enough anymore, being with you is the only thing that makes me happy, but that’s not ok is it? I need to be ok on my own,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No, you don’t you never need to be on your own. You are allowed to rely on me, ok? I want to be there for you, so do the boys, all of us love you and all of us want to be there for you. You’re right it’s not enough, all we can do is help you keep going but we will. We are not going anywhere. We are here for you and we always will be ok. You have to help yourself but it’s hard and you don’t have to do it on your own,” David promised.</p><p>“What do I do? How do I get better?”</p><p>David knew there was only one answer to that. He knew Matteo knew it too.</p><p>“See a doctor,” he suggested gently.</p><p>David knew at this point he wasn’t enough to pull Matteo from these moods, knew he needed professional help. He also knew what Matteo was going to say. </p><p>“I can’t, not yet,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“Ok… talk to… talk to Marco maybe? He’s family, he’s an adult, let him help you? He wants to. What about Tommy? Your uncle…”</p><p>David knew Tommy had stuck by Marco through everything, loved his son fiercely. His nephew too. He didn’t know if the man knew how his brother was behaving, but he knew they didn’t talk at all.</p><p>“Why Tommy?”</p><p>“I think you should talk to him about what your dad’s doing, I think you should tell him what he said to you before he left,” David said.</p><p>“That’ll just make it worse between them, I don’t want to cause any hassle,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Maybe but… I think you need to know that you do have family that love you, that your dad is the one who’s wrong, like I can tell you a thousand times, but I think until you can tell your mum, he’s the next person you should tell, because you know he’ll be ok with it, him and Marco.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo murmured, smiling a little, just a little relieved.</p><p>“Your dad is the asshole here, he’s part of the reason you’re so sad, I think. There’s more to it than that, but your dad is making it worse and I think you need to deal with that. It doesn’t have to be directly. And your mum is getting better I promise, and she loves you, mum says she loves you no matter what, she never thinks that you’re a sinner ok?”</p><p>“I can’t…”</p><p>“You don’t have to tell her yet ok? But she loves you, so fiercely,” David assured him.</p><p>“I love her so much David, this hurts so much that I can’t tell her, but I just can’t,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know, I know,” David said.</p><p>“It’ll be ok?”</p><p>“It will.”</p><p>Matteo nodded, and David knew from his face that he believed him.</p><p>“One day it’ll be ok,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You deserve for it to be ok soon ok? So let’s figure out what to do, let’s figure out how to help you,” David said.</p><p>They didn’t have to wait for it to be ok, surely they could do something now, if they got help. David hoped they could, he’d thought he was going to have to wait until he was sixteen or even eighteen to be happy. And now here he was living his happiest and best life, he wanted to help Matteo get the same. He shouldn’t have to wait until they were adults to get that. He realised that meant he was going to have to keep pushing for Matteo to go see a doctor, a therapist, someone. He knew it wouldn’t work until Matteo wanted to, he just had to help Matteo realise that he did.</p><p>“I just… I want mama to come home. I like staying with you, but I want to go home,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know I get it,” David said.</p><p>“I just wish I was a kid again, everything was so easy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know. Sometimes I wish the same, not so much anymore but when I first came out, I just wished I didn’t understand what it was, that I could go back to being unaware of what it all meant, that I could just be a tomboy playing football. But that’s not how it works. But I tell you what, you won’t be a kid again, but you will be the strongest fucking adult when you get there, I know this. Matteo, you <em>will</em> be ok,” David promised.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. And it won’t be hard, because it’ll be the two of us, and I promise I’m going to give you a good life,” David said.</p><p>“If I get sad?”</p><p>“I’ll just sit with you, just be with you until it passes. This will pass, I know it’s taking longer but it will pass. I promise I will be there with you, I will take care of you, ok?”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because you’d do the same for me, without question. You do the same for me, I get sad too you know this, and you always do whatever you can to take care of me, ok? We will take care of each other, always,” David promised.</p><p>He shifted closer, then reached out and cupped Matteo’s face with his hand, holding him gently. When Matteo didn’t pull back, David leant in and gave him a proper kiss, far more gentle than Sara’s attack. Matteo kissed him back, but he was smiling too, finally happy again. That stopped the minute David pulled back, turning into a pout.</p><p>“Kiss me again,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No, you’re drunk,” David teased, knowing full well that wasn’t going to stop him.</p><p>Matteo just huffed and pulled him closer. “Kiss me again,” he demanded.</p><p>So David did, he kissed him and kissed him, eventually climbing into his lap to get closer. They kissed until they were breathless and then kissed some more. They didn’t stop until a car horn sounded and they sprung apart.</p><p>It was his dad watching them, clearly amused. David groaned and collapsed against Matteo. He knew his dad was never going to let them hear the end of it. He would delight in embarrassing him. Still, they couldn’t sit out there all night. David climbed off Matteo and pulled him up and over to the car.</p><p>“Hey dad,” he said, clambering into the back.</p><p>“Hello boys, drunk?”</p><p>“Yes,” Matteo said, surprisingly cheery now. All it took was a bit of kissing to improve his mood apparently.</p><p>David knew it wasn’t really that, it was what they’d talked about. But still Matteo was cheerily trying to get them into trouble.</p><p>“No,” David said, shoving Matteo.</p><p>His dad just chuckled. “Get in, I won’t tell your mum. She’s asleep on the sofa, if you’re sneaky you’ll get past her,” he told them.</p><p>“Thanks dad,” David said, grinning. He loved this, the way his dad helped him be sneaky, helped him deal with his mum. He would help him plead his case, remind her that he was growing up, and that he was sensible. He loved his mum too, she was a little overbearing, but she loved him and that was just how she was.</p><p>“No problem,” his dad said, pulling off from the side of the road. “You have fun?”</p><p>“Yeah it was great,” David said.</p><p>Matteo was asleep in minutes, as soon as he was his dad smirked at him in the rearview mirror. David rolled his eyes.</p><p>“So er… you two were kissing?”</p><p>David sighed. “Yeah, I know just… it’s not… we’re not dating or anything,” he mumbled.</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“Not yet,” David clarified.</p><p>“Not yet,” his dad repeated. “But you want to be?” he guessed.</p><p>“Yeah I do,” David said.</p><p>“Then why aren’t you dating?”</p><p>David covered his face and groaned loudly. He uncovered his face when he noticed they were slowing down. His dad pulled over and patted the front passenger seat.</p><p>David settled Matteo down and covered him with the blanket his dad always kept in the back. Then he climbed in the front with his dad. </p><p>“I don’t really know anymore,” he admitted.</p><p>He did know, neither of them were ready. Except he felt like he was. He’d always wanted to wait until he got to change, but that wasn’t really the case anymore. Every time they kissed it wasn’t enough, David wanted to kiss Matteo all the time. But did that mean he was ready?</p><p>“Want to talk it through?” his dad said. </p><p>“Ok?” David said dubiously.</p><p>“I’m just as good as your mum at this stuff, I promise,” his dad said.</p><p>“Ok dad,” he said, smiling at him. He wasn’t sure how true that was, but he wanted to sound him out. “Ok, so last year Matteo kissed me at the lake,” he began.</p><p>“And that’s when it started?”</p><p>“More like… ok when I met Matteo we were just kids, we were friends, best friends. And then last year, toward the end of the school year I dunno… I started feeling more, I liked him, I already knew I liked boys, but it was more like…”</p><p>“You started to realise you liked one particular boy?”</p><p>“Yeah, and he felt the same, so he kissed me,” David said.</p><p>“Brave boy,” his dad mused.</p><p>“Oh yeah big time, because I yelled at him for that,” David told him.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I got confused. I thought he might think I was a girl, and that’s why he was kissing me, even though I knew… I knew he didn’t, I just freaked. But we talked it through and…”</p><p>“He’s gay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David admitted, Matteo had already told them after all.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“But we talked and talked and… I knew I liked him but I wasn’t ready for anything, I wanted to wait, until I transition physically you know? I just can’t be comfortable until I do and Matteo gets it and he’s so depressed he doesn’t feel able to date right now so that’s where we are,” David explained.</p><p>“Except?”</p><p>“Except we keep kissing,” David said.</p><p>“I can see,” his dad said, laughing quietly.</p><p>“And… I think maybe I’m already comfortable enough,” David said.</p><p>He wasn’t sure though; he didn’t feel comfortable. Or he did, and he didn’t. It was so confusing.</p><p>“Yeah?” his dad asked gently.</p><p>“Like… no I’m not, but I just want him,” David said. It made no sense.</p><p>“I think… I think you’ll always be comfortable around Matteo, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be comfortable in yourself. David, you don’t have to do anything to be enough for him, you know? You do it for yourself, to feel comfortable in yourself. I think if you need to feel comfortable in yourself before you’re ready to start a relationship that’s ok. If you want to go into it when you still feel uncomfortable, that’s also ok… but it’s kind of irrelevant because he’s not ready is he?”</p><p>“God no,” David agreed.</p><p>“You can wait?”</p><p>“I can wait,” David said.</p><p>“You’ll figure it out,” his dad said.</p><p>“Thanks dad for the great advice,” David said, settling back in the chair.</p><p>“Oh shut up you,” his dad said.</p><p>“Do you think we’re too young?” David asked him.</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“To date and stuff. No to… dad I want to be with him forever. He’s everything to me, I want a future with him, is it dumb?” he asked.</p><p>He felt like he was too young, but he’d never been more sure of anything. Matteo was it for him.</p><p>“No, David it’s not. I don’t think you’re too young to feel these things, and… he’s very special is Matteo, he gets you in a way that’s pretty unique. I believe you can know these things now, it also doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it yet. And even if it does change, even if you did grow away from each other, you weren’t wrong now. But I don’t think it will change. I met your mum when I was eight you know, she was twelve though, it was a bit different,” his dad said.</p><p>“How old were you when you started dating?”</p><p>“Twenty-two, but the day I met her I went home and told my mum I was going to marry her,” he said.</p><p>“And you did,” David said, smiling. </p><p>He couldn’t say his parents were particularly romantic, but they did love each other. And they were so strong together, he knew their relationship was going to last. And while he wanted things to be different with him and Matteo, he wanted to have the same patience they shared.</p><p>“Yeah it only took twenty years to get there,” his dad said, chuckling. “But look when I was eight I didn’t understand what it was, but that didn’t make it any less real. I knew she was special. I believe you, when you say you love him, it’s real, and he loves you too, yeah? I think you’re too young to be ready for this, too young to be dealing with all the stuff you’re both dealing with, but it will all settle down and then I think you have a beautiful future ahead of you, yeah? So I know you think you’re ready, and maybe you are, but there’s no harm in waiting a little, until you’re both on the same page, let Matteo catch up.” </p><p>“Yeah, I think I would be pushing myself anyway I just… I just want so badly sometimes,” he said.</p><p>His dad just laughed. “And David dating, being boyfriends won’t take away the pain he’s in,” he reminded him.</p><p>“I… dad he’s hurting so badly,” David said quietly.</p><p>“I know, but David people aren’t cures. This is bigger than you, has been going on longer than you’ve known him. It’s going to take time but he will get there, he will heal and you’ll be there with him throughout ok?”</p><p>“Dad?” David whispered.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Thanks, thanks for being so great,” David said.</p><p>He must’ve been drunker than he thought because he suddenly felt teary eyed. He felt like crying. He just wanted a hug from his dad. </p><p>“No problem, love you, David,” he said, reaching out and ruffling his hair. “I’m proud of you, of who you’re growing into,” he said, so fondly David felt warmed by his words.</p><p>“Love you too, dad,” David said quietly.</p><p>“Sleepy?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David said. It was hitting him all of a sudden. All he wanted was to go to bed, sleep for a long time.</p><p>His dad just laughed and squeezed his shoulder. “That’ll be the booze, let’s get you home,” he said.</p><p>David just nodded sleepily and settled down in his seat. He listened to his dad humming softly as he drove them home, and he smiled to himself. He felt so safe and happy. Summer was ending, but everything was going to be ok. No, everything was ok. His dad was right, they had time. Everything was going to fall into place.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So another summer is over. Things will be very different for David and Matteo next summer and now that David is swithcing up schools the last two parts of the fic are set through their last two years of school, not just the summer. That being said, this story is going on hiatus for a little while, while I get back on track with my writing, shouldn't be long and you can always come find me on tumblr to see where it's at. <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo</a></p><p>Still up next we have the boys talking about their relationship, but it's different this time around, David feeling more comfortable in himself, and Matteo loving it, and things slowly improving in Matteo's homelife, with mama Florenzi doing so much better, and being brave</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the first time in ages, I don't have a schedule set out for posting this. I mean I do really, it will definitely be at least once a week on a Sunday. But I'm thinking I want to post twice a week because for me these are short chapters and I like to post a lot. I've already got a ton of chapters ready to go. So maybe Wednesdays too?</p><p>So love it? Hate it? Random comments? Let me know what you think.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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